Cheer Up Alan Shearer

Benoit Assou-Ekotto for Tottenham Hotspur (v Everton), 11 January 2012

2012-01-14T11:31:00.002Z

We're delighted to welcome lovely fella, stand-up comedian and Spurs fan Carl Jones to Cheer Up Alan Shearer. With Spurs second in the table, here's Carl's first guest post about whether his side can actually win the league...

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It’s mid-January. Tottenham Hotspur sit three points adrift of leaders Manchester City and level on points with Manchester United. The media is abuzz with title talk and Ladbrokes have cut the odds to as short as 6/1. It’s a situation that seemed entirely unthinkable following heavy defeats to United and City in our opening two games.

The fixture list didn’t look too kind when it was released last summer. An opening home game against Everton certainly looked like the best opportunity to get off the mark in August. The riots in London deemed the game unsafe to go ahead and Tottenham finished the month bottom of the Premier League. It looked like it could be a long season.

Harry Redknapp added dynamism to the midfield in Scott Parker and talismanic presence up front with Emmanuel Adebayor and since then, Tottenham have barely stuttered.

With the exception of a tepid display against Stoke, Tottenham have brushed aside Norwich, West Brom, Fulham, Blackburn, Wigan and Wolves away from home and beat Liverpool and Arsenal at home. December’s draw with Chelsea extends an unbeaten home record against their London rivals to six seasons at a ground their fans used to call ‘Three Points Lane’.

On Wednesday night we beat Everton to claim three points that have long been won in the minds of every Tottenham fan. We’ve looked at the table for months thinking “If we can beat Everton…”, adding the three points to our tally in our heads. Now that we have, we actually look like we’re in with a shot at the title. Just don’t tell anyone I said that. I’d hate to be the one that jinxed it.

As a Tottenham fan since the mid-Nineties, I’ve seen some truly horrendous lows. A 7-1 defeat at St James’ Park, two points from eight games a few seasons ago, a wretched decade and a half of results against the artists formerly known as ‘the big four’ and signing Grzegorz Rasiak on transfer deadline day. I even took my fiancée for a romantic evening in Grimsby for her first ever Tottenham match in 2005. We lost 1-0.

There have been a few highs, of course. I’ve been lucky enough to witness Gareth Bale’s stunning hat-trick in the San Siro, Peter Crouch’s Champions League qualifying goal at the City of Eastlands Etihad Stadium and I nearly broke my foot celebrating Allan Nielsen’s header in the 1999 Worthington Cup Final in a pub I wasn’t old enough to be in.

Massive credit must go to Harry Redknapp for bringing the good times back to White Hart Lane. Aside from rebuilding relegation fodder and turning them into Champions League quarter finalists, he’s now taken them one step further. Tough decisions were made in the summer, trimming a bulging squad by shipping out Woodgate, Crouch, Palacios, Bentley, Hutton and Jenas. The decision to replace Gomes with Friedel would have been a difficult one but has proved to be masterstroke.

Emerging talent such as Kyle Walker and Jake Livermore have revitalised the side, improving players like Younes Kaboul have added depth and exciting youngsters gaining valuable playing time elsewhere such as Townsend, Caulker and Naughton plus several others breaking through in the Europa League suggest the future is bright. The team spirit is better than ever with the reaction to Assou-Ekotto’s screamer last night testament to that.

The steely resolve to keep Luka Modric should also be admired. There might have been a better pay packet waiting for him in West London but the benefit of hindsight would suggest he’s just as likely to win major honours wearing white as he would have been in blue this season.

Redknapp has been adamant that he won’t spend big during the transfer window and will only bring in players who can add quality. With the likes of Pienaar, Kranjcar, Dos Santos and Pavlyuchenko kicking their heels on the bench, Huddlestone to come back from injury and Dawson returning to captain the side last night in the absence of Ledley King and William Gallas, it’s hard to identify positions that require strengthening.

Chris Samba, Loic Remy, Junior Hoilett and even Rio Ferdinand have all been touted as possible signings but Redknapp continues to play his cards close to his chest. It’s hard to imagine a transfer deadline day passing without him giving an interview out of the window of a stationary BMW though.

Whether we strengthen or not, psychologically, these three points against Everton are our most important of the season, and not just because they’ve moved us within touching distance of the top of the league. The gap we now hold over our faltering rivals for automatic qualification to the Champions League could prove crucial.

Liverpool are bereft of their best player for weeks. Chelsea are in a transitional period with an ageing backbone and might well settle for continued progress in the Champions League and qualification for next season as priorities now. Arsenal are awaiting positive news in the loan market with Gilles Grimandi and Christopher Wreh hoping to join Thierry Henry on 6-week loan deals.

Above us, Manchester City’s wobble has shown a chink in the armour and United have continued to grind results out in between spectacular defeats like the ones against Blackburn and City themselves. Games against both Manchester sides in the coming weeks will truly test our ability to win the title.

There’s unlikely to be a better chance to truly establish ourselves as a Champions League team and attract the world’s best players to the Lane. Once the Premier League’s joke club, we now play some of the most attractive football in the country and have a squad of players who genuinely look ready to push for the title.

With the England job available soon, Adebayor only on loan until the end of the season, some of the world’s top clubs coveting our very best players and Friedel defying the natural ageing process, now is the time to fulfil our potential or risk the break-up of our most talented side for decades.

Can Tottenham actually win the title? Yes. Just don’t tell anyone I told you so.

Zinedine Zindane for France (vs Brazil), 12 July 1998

2012-01-11T18:20:00.000Z

I spent much of the Christmas period in France, and I was delighted to see that there is plenty of TV coverage of the English Premier League. Not only was I able to watch more a less the full round of fixtures on Boxing Day, but also the rescheduled Arsenal v Wolves game the following day. Coverage was pretty good too. Canal+ has this thing they call a “multiplex”, where they show you live coverage from a game, and then if something starts to happen elsewhere, they flick their coverage to one of the other games. On Boxing Day, with a pretty full fixture list all kicking off at the same time, this worked pretty well.

I suppose it’s a little annoying when they flick games just as you’re getting your bearings or if you are interested in one game in particular, but given that we spend our time in England on days like this watching a TV programme that consists entirely of Jeff Stelling flicking between coverage of a bunch of blokes watching the games, whilst we get no live footage of matches at all, it’s a relatively good way to absorb the afternoon’s drama.

Canal+’s studio coverage is actually fronted by an Englishman; he speaks impeccable French, of course, but his accent is clearly English and he also – unusually for French TV – pronounces all of the English club names correctly and could actually tell you what Wigan or Norwich are like. Darren Tulett has apparently been working in the media in France since 1998 (when he asked Bloomburg, his employers at the time, to transfer him to Paris so he could catch some of the World Cup) and has ended up anchoring TV coverage of the football almost by accident… and he’s clearly a bit of a character. For the Boxing Day coverage, he was dressed up in black tie (the concept of Boxing Day is alien to your average Frenchman and in 2011 was a normal working day), but for the Arsenal v Wolves game he was wearing what looked like a velvet smoking jacket in burgundy. Apparently he’s always a snappy dresser, my father-in-law tells me, and has been called “the Austin Powers of French television". His studio guests for the afternoon’s coverage were the distinctly unpromising Gerrard Houllier and Jean Alain Boumsong. Actually, from what I could gather, Boumsong is an excellent pundit and Tulett is a good enough presenter to know not to let Gerrard Houllier speak too often....

He was funny too: often, at the end of a game, we would get a pitchside interview with one of the French-speaking players – Florent Malouda at the Chelsea game, for instance – but Canal+ also took the live feeds of interviews with some of the managers. When Alex Ferguson came on, Tullet informed the viewers that he would do his best to do an off-the-cuff translation as Ferguson spoke, but did warn us that he was Scottish so….. Sure enough, although the translation initially went well, before long, as Sir Alex became more and more impenetrable, so Tullet’s translation became a bit slower until he eventually started laughing (well, chuckling... he is a pro, after all).

I thought he was great fun. He’s got a really light touch and he knew how to bring the best out of his pundits and the coverage that was flicking around games. Apparently he’s known as Darren d’Angleterre and presents other football programmes on French tv that are inspired by the likes of Fantasy Football – one is even called “Match of ze Day”. He once (so I read) persuaded David Ginola to re-live the error that cost France World Cup qualification in 1993. In the sketch, Ginola ends up trying to hitch a ride out of the stadium with his France shirt over his shoulder to the "Lonely Man" theme tune from the Incredible Hulk. Brilliant.

Until I saw him on Boxing Day, I'd never even heard of him and he could probably walk unrecognised through the Sky Sports studios. When you think of some of the idiots we have presenting football coverage in this country, that seems remarkable.

Darren Tulett might not have scored 48 goals for England or anything like that, but he is possessed of charm, wit, a lightness of touch and the ability to competently present coverage of the English Premier League.... all of which is more than can be said for some people we might mention.

Can we send Gary Lineker to France on an exchange deal in the January transfer window? Please?

Although, to be fair, why would Tulett want to come back?

He's a legend, and you can follow him on Twitter too - @DarrenCanalPlus

Our loss is French television's gain.

France 1 - 0 England.

Demba Ba for Newcastle (vs Manchester Utd), 4th January 2012

2012-01-05T19:51:00.001Z

On Tuesday night, a Liverpool side minus Luis Suarez and with Andy Carroll playing up front got spanked 3-0 by Manchester City.

On Wednesday night, a sparkling Newcastle side spanked Manchester Utd 3-0, with Demba Ba, their Senegalese striker, scoring an absolutely splendid goal.

With every game that goes by, Andy Carroll (£35m, 4 goals in 23 appearances) looks more and more like a white elephant and his replacement in the Newcastle number 19 shirt (£0, 15 goals in 19 appearances) looks increasingly like the steal of this or many another season.

Before we get too carried away though, let’s just wait and see if Mike Ashley lets Alan Pardew build on Newcastle’s season so far by resisting any offers he might receive for Ba or Tiote during the transfer window, eh?

It's been a funny old season, eh? As a Wolves fan, I felt like I couldn't wholeheartedly celebrate Blackburn's win at Old Trafford as I need at least three other teams in the division to remain below us, thank you very much.

This one I'm a little more comfortable with.

Luis Suarez for Liverpool (v Queens Park Rangers), 10 December 2011

2011-12-22T10:29:00.002Z

It's been a good week for racism in football. Luis Suarez has been banned by eight matches and fined £40,000 for racially abusing Patrice Evra whilst Chelsea and England captain John Terry faces a racially aggravated public order charge for allegedly abusing QPR defender Anton Ferdinand in a match in October.

Both men could be guilty or both could be innocent. I suspect there are lots of people who would like to see Terry found guilty of his charge - not least because he epitomises almost everything that is wrong with paying chavs millions of pounds a year for kicking a ball about -although he is innocent until proven guilty and the courts will decide his fate.

What is extremely unpalatable is the way in which both clubs - particularly Liverpool - have reacted to these claims. Let's not forget that Suarez has already been found guilty by an independent tribunal which means (appeal pending, of course) that he has been found guilty of using racist/abusive language during a match.

Imagine you'd been found guilty of racist/abusive behaviour towards one of your colleagues at work. Do you imagine that your boss and all your colleagues would turn up for work the following day wearing t-shirts with your name on as a show of support? Do you expect your company would have made a statement condoning the decision and questioning the integrity of the person who made the allegations?

Of course they wouldn't. Let's face it - you would be lucky to keep your job at all. There are lots of companies that would march you to the front door with your belongings and sack you immediately for gross misconduct. They would also release a statement saying that racist behaviour cannot be tolerated and that these sorts of harsh measures have to be taken in order to eliminate this problem.

And that is why it's been a good week for racism in football. It's all very well for the FA and other bodies to hand down serious punishments for racist behaviour - and potentially the courts in Terry's case - but if the employers such as Liverpool continue to defend the actions of their players it shows that the clubs really don't care about taking racism seriously.

The Guardian hits the nail on the head when talking about the decision by the Liverpool team and management to wear t-shirts supporting their striker before Wednesday's match at Wigan: "This was a high-profile international found guilty of racist abuse 24 hours earlier and, raging with a sense of injustice or not, as Liverpool clearly are, they were inappropriate gestures at this stage of an already damaging saga".

In many ways Terry's case is similar in that it shows how different a footballer is treated in his situation than the rest of us. Again, say you had been charged with a racially aggravated public order offence having allegedly shouted racist abuse at someone in your office or in the streets. You'd subsequently been charged and have to appear in court next year.

Do you think your employers would jump to your defence? Do you think they'd continue to let you be the spokesperson for your organisation (or indeed your country) as Terry is as club as national captain?

Of course they wouldn't. What would happen is that you would be suspended from your job immediately the allegations were made. If found innocent you'd be reinstated immediately and if found guilty you'd be lucky to last the day before receiving your P45.

Again, Chelsea have failed to take the issue seriously and just one sentence from Andre Villas-Boas shows why: "We know exactly his human values and personality, so we will support him whatever happens."

Chelsea will support John Terry whatever happens. That means that if he is found guilty of this offence and is proved to be a horrible racist then his employers will support him. Is that taking a stance in kicking racism out of football? Of course it isn't. And this is why the FA and FIFA are wasting their time trying to kick racism out of football. If the clubs are prepared to support and defend racist behaviour, then it won't ever stop.

Karl Henry for Wolves (vs Charlton), 28th March 2008

2011-12-15T19:13:00.000Z

I've received an early Christmas present.

Much to my wife's delight, our kitchen calendar next year will be the Official Wolverhampton Wanderers FC Calendar for 2012.

I don't know what it's like in your house, but in ours, the kitchen calendar is the source of all knowledge: if it's not in the calendar, then it's not happening. For the next twelve months, we will be planning and mapping out our lives next to photos of some real Old Gold heroes. As a sort-of closet Gooner, this will no doubt pain my wife. Also, our strip no doubt clashes with the daffodil yellow we've apparently painted our kitchen with.....

Of course, the big risk with a calendar like this is that you could get to October and spend all month reliving your bitterness about the fact that you're going to be looking at a picture of a Kevin Doyle who actually left the club in the January transfer window.... but I suppose that's a risk you're just going to have to take.

Things already aren't looking all that great for January's poster boy: Roger Johnson was our big summer signing, but he's just been dropped from the side in favour of a 36 year old Jody Craddock (who hasn't been given a page this year at all, but as a club legend should probably get one every year, right? Steve Bull should probably always be in there somewhere too. Maybe John de Wolf too. Andy Mutch, perhaps? Robbie Dennison? Mick Stowell? Bugger the current lot, let's stick to the classics).

Do you think that the players at clubs across the country reach nervously for their copies of the official club calendar as soon as it's printed to see if they've been included? If you've been left out, then what does that say about your future at the club? Or if you're desperate to leave, what if you've been put on December? Is that the equivalent of issuing a "hands off!" statement to other clubs in Football Manager?

Do manager's insist on copy approval? Maybe they should. ("Karl Henry for November? If he's still playing for us then, then we really will be fucked!")

Sócrates for Brazil (vs USSR), 14th June 1982

2011-12-05T22:30:00.001Z

Farewell then to Sócrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira. Better known throughout the world simply as Sócrates, captain of perhaps the best side not to win the World Cup. 60 caps and 20 goals for Brazil; drinker; smoker; political activist; humanitarian; surely one of the greatest, coolest players to grace the game.

Check out this goal from the 1982 World Cup match against the USSR.

When asked which of Pele or Maradona was the greater player, Sócrates simply replied, "who cares?"... which is of course the correct answer.

A very, very cool guy, and also the owner of what must surely be the greatest beard football has ever seen.

1954 - 2011.

RIP.

His namesake had a pretty handy beard too, it must be said. It wasn't the only thing they had in common: both died from complication arising from food poisoning.

Darren Ambrose for Crystal Palace (v Manchester United), 30 November 2011

2011-12-01T23:28:00.001Z

101 Great Goals #58 - Darren Ambrose

Gary Neville called it the best goal he had ever seen an opposition player score at Old Trafford. It's a bold claim, but Darren Ambrose's strike that helped knock Manchester United out of the Carling Cup was an absolute belter.

And here at Cheer Up Alan Shearer we're delighted to bring you this superb goal with some rare Alan Partridge commentary. Truly a beautiful moment...

Gary Speed for Wales (against Moldova), 12th October 1994

2011-11-28T20:02:00.001Z

Before I say anything else, let me just make it clear that I think that Gary Speed’s death yesterday, at the age of 42, is unquestionably tragic; an awful, shocking piece of news. It’s difficult for me to imagine a circumstance so terrible that hanging myself seemed the best option, and I hope I never experience anything remotely approaching it. At the moment it seems pointless to speculate on the circumstances surrounding Speed’s death. For me, it’s enough to know that another human being reached the point where he took his own life. Horrible.

Gary Speed was an excellent footballer: you don’t make 840 domestic appearances (including a once-record 535 Premier League games) or win 85 caps for your country without having some talent. Listening to the hysterical coverage over the media yesterday in the wake of the news of his death, however, and you’d imagine that he was one of the most remarkable people ever to live. Mark Pougatch was anchoring BBC Radio Five Live’s coverage, and his reaction was typically overblown: he remarked that he had never, in the whole of his broadcasting career, which includes presenting current affairs programmes, covered a story so remarkable. I can understand why friends and colleagues of Speed – people like Robbie Savage and Shay Given – would be stunned by the news of the sudden death of someone close to them. But everyone else? Was it really a stop all the clocks moment?

If – and it’s apparently by no means certain – Speed was suffering from depression, then we can hope that this news serves to help spread understanding and awareness of an awful condition that can strike anyone, no matter how famous, wealthy or happy they may superficially appear to be. There have already been a number of high profile footballers who have suffered from depression in recent years: coincidentally, Stan Collymore wrote movingly about his own experiences of the illness on Saturday, at more or less the same time as Speed was appearing on the BBCs Football Focus programme, talking brightly of his plans for a future. Less then 24 hours later, Gary Speed was dead and that future - his future - died with him.

It’s only a couple of years too since the German International goalkeeper, Robert Enke killed himself in 2009 at the age of 32 after battling with depression for six years. It’s an awful, often invisible condition, that strikes without warning and without discrimination and that we understand so poorly.

Speed’s death was sad; the tragedy of a life snuffed out too soon. A tragedy for sure, but also the kind of tragedy that happens every day. Every death is a tragedy in its own way: every soldier or civilian blown up in Afghanistan, even those who don’t receive a funeral procession through Royal Wooton Bassett, every child in the third world who dies of a treatable illness, every cancer victim, every road traffic accident, those Russian sailors not rescued by Prince William… but not every passing will be marked by minutes of silence or of applause, or by tearful fans tying scarves to the gates of football clubs or by special phone-in programmes on the radio. Gary Speed was clearly a much loved and respected man, but it should not lessen the tragedy of his death on Sunday to acknowledge that he was just another human being in a long list whose lives ended too soon. In the UK alone, the statistics tell us that 15 other people took their own lives on the very same day that Speed took his (more than 6,000 each year in the UK and rising). The fact that those other suicides may be less marked does not make them less significant. Crying more loudly doesn’t make the tragedy any greater or the loss any more deeply felt by the bereaved.

Football is a strange sport: it is resolutely hard-nosed and yet also incorrigibly sentimental. The death of such a well-respected football man, especially at such an age and in such circumstances, was always likely to provoke an outpouring of emotion around the country, especially at those clubs where Speed played or in the country he represented with such distinction, both as player and latterly as manager. What has surprised me, however, is the apparent depth of our emotional incontinence, the sudden outpouring of feeling and an apparently nationwide desire to wallow - and judging by the radio this evening, we're still wallowing - in what seems like a disproportionate level of grief. A tragedy, yes….but a cause of nationwide mourning and gnashing of teeth? According to the media - and we are led by the coverage of events like this in the media to set the tone - then yes, it is.

I can’t help but wonder, if that other famous recent football suicide, Justin Fashanu, had been found dead in that Shoreditch lockup in 2011 and not in 1998, would he have got the same sort of reaction?

Gary Speed, human being. 1969-2011. R.I.P.

Lukas Podolski for Germany (vs England), 27th June 2010

2011-11-24T19:41:00.001Z

Well, I never thought I'd see the day when I saw a major sporting organising body displaying levels of incompetence to match the likes of FIFA or the FA. It looks as though the RFU, the body governing English rugby union may just about take the biscuit.

Let's take a moment to remember that rugby fans - myself included - like to assume the high ground in any conversation with football fans: the players and the fans are better behaved, the referee is treated with respect and his decisions are final... blah blah blah. Oh, how those chickens have come home to roost now. Amidst the debris of a failed World Cup campaign, recriminations and resignations are flying around, confidential reports are being leaked left, right and centre. The players, as well as being awful on the pitch, apparently behaved atrociously off it as well, harassing hotel employees, drinking and dwarf tossing, abusing major sponsors, jumping off public ferries.... you name it, the England rugby team appear to have done it, all whilst keeping the main eye on their sponsorship opportunities.

Lest we get too carried away with our schadenfreude, however there are a couple of things that I think we can learn from this:

1) English rugby can surely sink no lower than this. Those confidential reports should never have been leaked (called "Twickileaks", obviously) and are a catastrophic breach of trust with the players. That said, now that the truth is out there, there is absolutely no hiding away from the fact that changes need to be made; changes to coaches, playing staff and to the bureaucracy behind the scenes. How much would you give for something similar to happen to English football? Would you like to read the candid, anonymous views of the players and coaching staff on the 2010 World Cup debacle? Wouldn't you really like to know what the players think of John Terry as a captain or of Fabio Cappello as a coach? I know I would. We've lived with decades of disappointment -- remember that England won the Rugby World Cup in 2003 - maybe something like this would make that fundamental change that could make us winners again.

2) I'm not sure that England's football players would be as eloquent in a written report on a World Cup campaign as some of their rugby playing counterparts. The rugby players use words like "philosophy", "lacklustre" and "blueprint". I wonder if Wayne Rooney knows what a blueprint is; a poster from Picasso's Periodo Azul, perhaps? Even if they could string a written sentence together, would your average England international footballer be able to step away from the bland even in an anonymous report?

I can remember English cricket hitting rock bottom when we struggled in a test series against Zimbabwe. We're now the number one Test playing side in the world, and that hasn't happened by accident, but by rigorous player selection and coaching and through meticulous planning. Martin Johnson ultimately failed in his role as coach of England rugby at least partly because of his loyalty to old hands like Jonny Wilkinson and Lewis Moody; great servants of England rugby who had simply reached the end of the line. Hmmm. As Euro 2012 approaches, it's hard not to draw similar conclusions about players like John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard. Let's hope the football team doesn't make the same mistakes as the rugby team, and that we're not reading the usual sob stories in the players' latest round of autobiographies next Autumn.

John Terry for England (vs Hungary), 30th May 2006

2011-11-14T19:42:00.001Z

I listened to a bit of John Terry's press conference today on the news.

It made me wonder why they bothered with them. Seriously, when was the last time that you heard something interesting at a football press conference from a player (or, indeed, from anyone)?

To be fair to Terry, the questions that most people wanted to ask him were related to the racism row that is the subject to a police investigation, so he can hardly be blamed for not wanting to comment on that, and I suppose he was pretty brave to front up at all when he didn't have to..... but even so, what he did say was a long stream of fairly meaningless platitudes. I'm so proud to play for my country...blah blah... game's changed since I was a kid... blah blah... jumpers for goalposts... the boys are playing so well... blah blah... no one is undroppable...

What's the point? If the players aren't going to say anything at all insightful or interesting, then why bother?

When actors are interviewed, they're almost always plugging something, and there's a mandatory bit in every interview where they tell us about how this is such a great movie and how happy they were to work with their co-stars and the director. Fine. That's part of the package and is why they agree to be interviewed anyway. Even so, am I wrong in thinking that actors still manage to be more interesting than footballers in a similar situation? Now that I think of it, did John Terry even talk much about the Sweden game that he is promoting?

Musicians are even better value, many not being afraid to fire their mouths off as they promote their latest album... although, to be fair, manufactured boy bands apart, they're expected to misbehave and stirring up a controversy is hardly likely to harm their record sales.

So what is it about footballers? Why are they so anodyne?

Well, the press itself is obviously in large part responsible: the moment a footballer steps out of line, then the media is more than happy to climb onto their moral high-horses and lambast them with the full-force of their righteousness. These players earn hundreds of thousands of pounds each week, and apparently that fact makes them fair game. John Terry himself knows this better than almost any other current footballer, so is it any surprise that he's cautious never to step out of line when there is a microphone or a journalist anywhere near his face.

That's not the only reason though. I think there's a much simpler explanation: footballers are simply not clever enough or interesting enough to keep an insatiable media satisfied. That's not necessarily a reflection of the stupidity of the average footballer.... although you do have to ask why John Terry keeps on getting caught out by the media, time after time, when he knows they're watching him and will crucify him at every possible opportunity, and I do wonder about whether he has the wit to answer a simple question in an interesting way.... It's not even particularly an observation about how one-dimensional most footballer's lives seem to be, although they do some awfully dull people: they play football, they display a spectacular lack of judgement and taste in how they spend their riches and they don't read books.

No, I think it might just be a reflection of how voracious our football media is. There is no one, no matter how smart or interesting, who could be smart enough or interesting enough to be able to feed these wolves for long if they came under their spotlight. John Terry said absolutely nothing interesting in his press conference today, and it was still dissected in minute detail by the press: it will be the lead story on the back pages tomorrow, and Radio 5 Live has just spent the last hour debating his non-comments in almost forensic detail.

Can you imagine how they'd react if he said something even mildly interesting?

Poor lamb. It's almost enough to make me feel a bit sorry for him.

Almost.

...and then I remembered what a charmless, unpleasant individual he is and how much he gets paid for how little, and realised that a mildly uncomfortable half hour spouting practiced platitudes at the press really is money for old rope. He doesn't get paid extra for selling papers, does he? Why should he bother being interesting?

As captain of our national football team, he represents this country, you know....although looking around, maybe that's about right.

Ugo Ehiogu for England (vs Spain), 28th February 2001

2011-11-10T20:11:00.000Z

I originally published this post here back in November 2009, talking about the crusade to try to shame all Premier League clubs into attaching a poppy to their playing shirts, but the current furore around FIFA's refusal to make an exception and allow the English football team to display the same emblem on their shirts in this week's international match against Spain is essentially the same argument being repeated again. The reaction to this "refusal" (actually a refusal to break a rule that applies to ALL emblems - a more commercially motivated version of what we might call the Jon Snow defence) has been widespread, including the Prime Minister and Prince William as well as the luminaries and reknowned patriots of the English Defence League.

It is an entirely predictable outrage, and we have the same tired old reaction around the poppy every year with tedious regularity... and in fact, the outrage itself really proves FIFA's point that the poppy clearly IS a political symbol.

The FA might have now reached a compromise with FIFA that enables the team to wear poppies on black armbands, but the whole incident does nobody any credit and certainly does not indicate to me any greater respect for Our Brave Troops.

Anyway, here's my rant again. Still sadly apt. I fully expect more tiresome and predictable criticism of Jon Snow for his refusal to bow to "poppy fascism" and wear one as he reads the news. You can set your watch by it.

Anyway. Here's the 2009 post.

---

There's a bit in Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" where Captain Black runs something he calls the "Glorious Loyalty Oath Campaign", where everyone in the squadron finds themselves forced to sign oaths pledging their loyalty in order to get absolutely anything or everything:

"Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that "The Star-Spangled Banner," one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again"

Of course, anyone refusing to sign one of these oaths is immediately branded as somehow being disloyal to their country, to their flag and to their cause:

"Without realizing how it had come about, the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other. When they voiced objection, Captain Black replied that people who were loyal would not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they had to. To anyone who questioned the effectiveness of the loyalty oaths, he replied that people who really did owe allegiance to their country would be proud to pledge it as often as he forced them to."

Captain Black's rival, Major Major, is actively prevented from signing any of these oaths, even if he wanted to:

"What makes you so sure Major Major is a Communist?"

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you? And you don't see him signing any of our loyalty oaths."

"You aren't letting him sign any."

As a result of their bullying, there are now only three of the twenty clubs holding out: Liverpool, Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers [Bolton ended up wearing poppies in 2009, and as you'll notice from the picture of Super Kev above, taken last weekend, they didn't bother putting up a fight at all this year]. As a spokesman for Manchester Utd not unreasonably said:

"We don’t think it’s particularly necessary. We sell poppies around the ground and all our officials wear them and we work with Armed Forces charities in a lot of other ways throughout the year."

Not good enough, apparently, and the Mail is continuing to try to bully them into changing their minds. Obviously, their readers are full of considered opinions on the subject. Here's lazzruss:

"Yes Yes Yes!!! It is beyond my capacity to put into words how this 'government' has ruined our once Great Britain by sytematically [sic] attacking our spiritual and historical heritage and culture and we have had enough! Banning poppies is the final insult to our nation as this shows a complete disregard and contempt for our Glorious Dead who gave everything including their very lives for the sake of the future of our Nation and every football team owes them their success and privileges - to display a simple poppy proudly on their shirts should be a moral imperative for anyone who loves our Country and what we (not the inept and shameful Labour Government) stand for."

Let's leave aside the fact that the majority of the players in the Premier League aren't even English, eh? Why let that get in the way of a good rant about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?

Um, perhaps it's a statement of the obvious, but if you try to force people to wear a poppy, aren't you restricting our freedom to choose not to wear one? Isn't that the same freedom that "Our Glorious Dead' (note the capitalisation) fought for? Like it or not, that's the same freedom that allows a student to get so paralytically drunk that he urinated on a war memorial in Sheffield. Not very nice, for sure, but surely more a story about binge drinking than it is about any calculated disrespect for the dead, whatever the Daily Mail try to make of the story (flogging too good for him, naturally).

This "Poppy fascism" seems to be everywhere at the moment. Apparently the BBC are under pressure because the dancers on "Strictly..." weren't wearing poppies last week. All of the judges were, but none of the dancers. Not good enough, apparently, as everyone on the X-Factor was wearing one.... The BBC initially (and not very bravely) hid behind "Health & Safety issues" as the reason why the dancers weren't wearing poppies, but have now apparently changed their minds in the face of all this public outrage.

Where does this oneupmanship and assumed moral authority stop? Why are we only displaying our poppies for a couple of weeks of November? Does that mean we're being disrespectful and unpatriotic for the other 50 weeks of the year? Should we all be dyeing our hair red and tattooing poppies onto our cheeks so we can be displaying our gratitude and support for the sacrifices made on our behalf every single day of the year?

Of course, you can trust the good old Guardian for an alternative view, and Marina Hyde today has a good rant about this "phony poppy apoplexy":

"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle. Then accept the fact that media campaigns to foreground the poppies that are not being worn, as opposed to the ones that are, serve not as a memorial to the sacrifices made on our behalf, but as a reminder of our hard-wired one‑upmanship and infinite capacity to find ways to divide ourselves."

The commentators are even more strident:

"Forced wearing of the poppy to commemorate a fight against tyranny? Britain seems to get sillier and sillier, and more and more irrelevant every week."

It seems that the spirit of Captain Black is alive and well and still busily hunting out people who won't sign his loyalty oaths.

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you?"

Think on that if you leave your house without a poppy this November.

----

Two years on, and the same tired old arguments and outrage are very much in evidence again. Depressing, don't you think? Perhaps we should be spending our weekends on a pilgrimage to the Cenotaph via Royal Wooton Bassett instead of watching a game of football?

Enjoy those armbands on the England side on Saturday, and let's think again on Marina Hyde's words from her 2009 article:

"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle".

Paul Hayward writes something similar in this year's Guardian:

"You either buy a poppy or you don't, you either wear it or you don't. You can buy one in October if you like, though you shouldn't have to, and if you are occasionally seen without one it doesn't make you a bad person. Because surely the whole strength behind the poppy's symbolism is that it is the most understated of statements. It is a quiet, gentle reminder, not a shouted command. Above all, as a gesture it is personal and private, and ought not to be forced to go public".

If we follow the logic of the poppy fascists further, if it's disrespectful to our brave troops not to wear a poppy, is it not also disrespectful if we don't play a full-strength side and if John Terry doesn't start? An insult to the memory of their sacrifices? As LB said last night in the pub, what would our reaction be if the game on Saturday was against Argentina and they insisted on wearing a memorial to their Falklands dead?

Quite how this annual farce shows any respect for the people who have sacrificed their lives fighting for their countries is beyond me.

---

As a reminder of how quickly football can change, the first game of Sven Goran Eriksson's reign as England manager was against Spain in February 2001. A Spanish side including Iker Casillas, Raul and Pep Guardiola lost 3-0 to goals by Nick Barmby, Emile Heskey and Ugo Ehiogu. The start of the side hailed as a "Golden Generation".

England's line-up that night?

James, Phil Neville, Powell, Butt, Ferdinand, Campbell, Beckham, Scholes, Andy Cole, Owen, Barmby.
Subs: Gary Neville, Martyn, Brown, Ehiogu, Phillips, Sheringham, Fowler, Heskey, Lampard, Carragher, Wright, Ball, McCann.

Spain are, of course, now World and European champions. England, meanwhile, have won chuff all.

Edison Arantes do Nascimento for Brazil (vs Sweden), 28th June 1958

2011-11-08T21:22:00.003Z

I think this might very well be the greatest advert in the whole, wide world.

Looking good, Luis. Looking good. Still got it, for sure. But only -- ONLY -- because you have no visible grey hairs. Learn from him: to the shops! No time to spare! Just For Men is the answer!

Like I say, the best advert in the world.

Oh no, wait a minute... I'd almost forgotten about this one.

[sorry for the terrible quality, but it's all I could find....]

Pele, many people's vote for the greatest player the world has ever seen, dubbed by Peter Serafinowicz (of all people), bravely fronting up to a potentially very embarrassing issue for men of a certain age.

Well, I say bravely....

"Talk to your doctor. I would. But I don't need to. Because I am Pele! The greatest footballer who ever lived. Clearly I haven't actually experienced any kind of erectile dysfunction myself. Me! Edison Arantes do Nascimento. The greatest player to kick a ball. The very thought! But in the unlikely event that I somehow did have problems down there, I'd be down the doctor like a shot to get me some little blue pills.... but like I said, I'm fine. Nothing to see here. No... EVERYTHING to see here. I've got it going on in my pants, for sure. Yes sir. But if you have problems, you should go. Now. In no way am I just saying these things for the money. No way."

Legend.

Ryujiro Ueda for Fagiano Okayama (v Yokohama FC), 30 October 2011

2011-11-04T11:24:00.002Z

You may recall that a month or so ago we shared a video of what was generally believed to be the longest headed goal in the history of football. Jonas Samuelson had scored this header from his own half in a Norwegian league match, leading to a well-deserved fifteen minutes of fame.

Well, he must be livid. Barely a month after his world record breaking exploits someone has only gone and bettered it. You'd be livid, wouldn't you? Doing something that no-one in nearly 150 years of football has done before only for some upstart J-League player to come along four weeks later and do the same.

Anyway, here's Ryujido Ueda's effort for Fagiano Okayama in the J-League last weekend. Arguably it's a better goal as he has to actually beat the keeper (who doesn't cover himself in glory) rather than Samuelson who nodded his into an empty net....

Gareth Bale for Tottenham Hotspur (vs QPR), 30th October 2011

2011-10-31T19:31:00.000Z

I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, but I like Neil Warnock. After yesterday's 3-1 defeat at the hands of Tottenham Hotspur, Warnock had this to say in his post-match press interview:

"I found myself clapping when the third goal went in it was such a fantastic goal by Bale. It’s a pity he’s not English."

Neil Warnock is hardly immune from the usual post-match criticisms of referees and opposition players, but in a world of bland, nothing statements and unseen controversies, it's nice to see someone in football tell it how it is, even if that means saying something nice about one of your opponents.

Well played Gareth Bale and well done Neil Warnock.

It's a shame Lionel Messi isn't English too, by the way.....

Jordan Rhodes for Huddersfield Town (v Scunthorpe Utd), 25 October 2011

2011-10-26T16:44:00.003+01:00

As Swisslet correctly pointed out here, blanket and hysterical coverage of the Premier League pretty much dominates the media these days, and so the achievements of lesser known clubs often go unheralded.

Last night, Huddersfield Town drew 2-2 with Scunthorpe. It's a result that would have barely registered with anyone outside Yorkshire and Lincolnshire, but it marked Huddersfield's 40th unbeaten league match. That's right. The Terriers, under the management of Lee Clark, haven't lost in the league since they were beaten 4-1 by Southampton on 28th December last year. Unsurprisingly, it's smashed the previous club record.

Clark's side sit second in League One and look good for promotion to the Championship under the 38 year old rookie manager. So, perhaps we could have less coverage about Carlos Tevez suing his manager and Mario Balotelli buying a trampoline and more on the superb achievements of less fashionable clubs?

Rafael Van der Vaart for Tottenham Hotspur (vs Blackburn Rovers), 23rd October 2011

2011-10-24T20:17:00.002+01:00

I spent a couple of hours in the car on Sunday afternoon driving home after a weekend away. I was feeling a little bit jaded, so to keep myself entertained, I had the radio tuned into BBC Radio Five Live to while away the time and to keep my brain engaged.

I like Five Live. There's a good mix of news and sport, and I vastly prefer their more informal style of broadcasting to that to be found on Radio 4. Sure, there are bits of it that annoy me (Steve Claridge), but on the whole it's a good listen (shifting seamlessly to outstanding whenever Danny Baker is on).

Just recently though, I've noticed a distinct change in the tenor of the sports programming. Football has always formed a bedrock of the station's coverage: until recently, this was the one national radio station where you could hear coverage of almost every big Premier League game.... but you also got pretty good coverage from the other leagues around England and Scotland. The theme tune to sports report on a Saturday afternoon, with James Alexander Gordon reading out the classified results.... it's all a cherished part of our shared national heritage, and it's one of the great things about the BBC that all of this is still intact.

That's not the problem.

What's starting to annoy me is that there seems to have been a shift into a more hysterical style of reporting, particularly about football. The top division of the English league has always been covered in depth, of course, but it seems that now that coverage is not so much focused on reporting what happened at the games as feeding the myth of the English Premier League as being BIGGER and BETTER and MORE IMPORTANT than anything else. The BBC now seem to play a full part in pumping up these players as the new Gods of our society, and when they inevitably fall short of the holy status that we've given them, the BBC now hosts seemingly endless discussions with experts to pick apart quite how badly we've been let down as a nation by these players. Before the last England game I listened to long panel conversations about why Wayne Rooney's personal life wouldn't affect the way he played... and then after the game, more panel discussions about why he in fact he should never have played in the first place and should now be omitted from Capello's squad for the Summer, when clearly he won't be. Frank Lampard was past it, and then he wasn't.... the source of these circular, self-fuelling discussions is seemingly bottomless. Have your say; text us what you think; message us on twitter.... even the most brainless, one-eyed idiot is now qualified to get involved.

By the time I got into my car on Sunday, the Manchester derby was over, but the full, in-depth analysis of events and what they meant was yet to come. The game between QPR and Chelsea was broken up by a half-time interview with Sir Alex Ferguson, and the game between Blackburn and Spurs seemed to be barely reported at all except to fuel the fire of the sub-plot as to whether 100 or so fans demonsrating after the game could get Steve Kean sacked. Mark Pougatch, anchoring the programme, seemed dazed; he was simply unable to comprehend the magnitude of that result at Old Trafford and said so, repeatedly. No matter how many City players and officials queued up to be interviewed saying that it was just a game and was only worth 3 points and didn't win them anything, Pougatch only seemed interested in speculating whether this was the end of a dynasty and a passing of the baton across Manchester.

Lots of other things happened on Sunday in the sporting world: a rider was killed in the Moto GP, New Zealand won the Rugby World Cup.... in the two hours I was listening, neither of these two things were mentioned at all. According to Five Live, it was football or bust. Not just any football either, but only a selective reading of the day's games. We had lots from Old Trafford, of course, together with the commentary from QPR. We heard about Rangers and Celtic... but without a single mention of Motherwell, who are currently 2nd in the SPL, and inconveniently still above Celtic in the league. Not a bloody word. They are simply not on the agenda as it's all about the Big Two.

Seriously, I like football, but there's enough hysterical coverage on Sky to last any sane person a lifetime.... please not the BBC too. In the end, I was saved from my mounting annoyance by my arrival home. I wasn't at all sorry to be leaving Mark Pougatch and his disbelief at the Manchester Utd result in the car.

Imagine my delight when I switched the radio on this morning to discover that Pougatch was presenting Five Live Breakfast, and that he apparently still couldn't believe the result at Old Trafford.....

David Silva for Spain (vs Scotland), 11th October 2011

2011-10-18T21:08:00.002+01:00

"Who is the coach of the World and European Champions?"

If you are asked that question in a pub quiz, then you're going to be reasonably confident of getting the answer right. No?

Vincente Del Bosque.

Right?

Wrong.

....That's what he used to be called, anyway, when he was a humble commoner. As of February this year, thanks to the King of Spain (a football fan and very much the man who puts the "Real" into Real Madrid), he's now apparently officially known as the Ilustrísimo Señor Don Vicente del Bosque y González, Marqués de Del Bosque.

Wow. That's quite a title.... (and, to be honest, much though I'm sure he's an outstanding manager, don't you reckon you might have been able to win at least a couple of those titles with the players that he had at Madrid and has with Spain?)

The only other man I can think of in football with an actual, honest-to-goodness title (beyond a knighthood, anyway) is the Lord of the Manor at Frodsham, Jibberish Seaside. As the Queen is apparently an Arsenal fan (as if she didn't have enough problems), perhaps we should expect a dukedom for Tony Adams in the New Year's Honours list? A baronetcy for Ray Parlour, perhaps? Viscount Perry Groves of Bow?

Gary Lineker for England (vs Republic of Ireland), 26th March 1985

2011-10-13T20:06:00.000+01:00

Forgive me, but I haven't watched Match of the Day for a few weeks. Imagine my surprise when I turned on the BBC's coverage of the Spain vs Scotland game during the week to find that Gary Lineker looked somehow different.

At first, I wasn't really sure what it was, and then - when I looked a bit more closely - I realised that there appeared to be something on his face. I wasn't quite sure what it was at first, but on reflection, I believe that it may have been a beard.... something I believe that the 50 year-old has been trying to grow since his Leicester City debut in the 1978/79 season.

I can't think of any other explanation for the sudden appearance of this growth.... unless perhaps it's professional envy of the new pundit on the block....

Surely it's not a mid-life crisis?

Whatever the reason for it, I imagine that it probably looks a whole lot more impressive in high definition and AMAZING in 3-D.

Kyle Walker (for Tottenham Hotspur) v Arsenal, 2 October 2011

2011-10-06T12:16:00.002+01:00

Look, I told you we were going to persist with this 'hatred of Barry Davies' nonsense. Don't say you weren't warned...

You may want to see here first.

Mr & Mrs Davies – Part 2: At the Beach

Maureen: “What a lovely day.”

Barry: “yes, you join us on this lovely Sunday afternoon with the sun blazing high in the bright blue sky. The temperature is noticeably hotter than it has been over recent days, I was walking past here yesterday and it certainly wasn’t this warm.”

Maureen: “Can you put me some sun tan lotion on my back?”

Barry: “Oh no. Oh no. I can’t believe that decision. Factor 8 when it should clearly be Factor 4. I remember in 1972 when the lotion was chosen with much more care than in is in the modern world. Terrible. Terrible.”

Maureen: “Ah, look at that little lad over there.”

[Barry looks at the boy playing with his bucket and spade for eight minutes]

Barry: “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooof! Marvellous! Marvellous!”

Chris Burke for Birmingham City (v Nottingham Forest), 2 October 2011

2011-10-03T10:52:00.002+01:00

Steve McLaren, 30 August, 2011: "What happens over the next few days will decide whether we can win promotion or not. Absolutely it will, without a shadow of a doubt. What we do now, over the next few days, will determine whether we are good enough to challenge or whether we are scrapping to get into the play-offs. I don't want that. So, I will be making it quite clear what we need. Deliver it or it is going to be a long season.

"We have been saying it for long enough. You [the press] say that Billy Davies was saying it for two years previously, I don't know about that. But I can see it. Over the next few days, we will see the ambition of this club. That is the key thing we will see. We need to go the extra step now."

Just five weeks later, the former England manager has resigned from his position at the City Ground, with chairman Nigel Doughty also set to step down at the end of the season after a decade at the helm.

Davies and McLaren may be very different types of manager but their complains about Forest are eerily similar. Both have voiced their concerns about the lack of investment in the team and both believe that the ambition of the club falls some way short of their own. Davies took Forest to the play-offs twice and was then sacked - presumably the board were fed up with his constant griping - whereas McLaren has now walked just 111 days into his tenure citing the very same problems.

I rate McLaren and I do not blame him one bit from walking away from a club who clearly promised him the earth before delivering next to nothing. To lose one manager may be regarded as misfortune, to lose two looks like carelessness. Ex-Forest legends Garry Birtles and Kenny Burns also agree that McLaren was perfectly within his rights to walk.

It looks to me that the Forest board has fundamentally no idea what they are doing and I'm not even a supporter. For lifelong fans seeing the same grumbles and same issues continue to rear their heads must be unbelievably frustrating.

Forest are clearly never going to emulate the success of the Clough era. But, they could be a solid mid-table Premier League side if anyone at board level actually believed that was possible. Until they do, perhaps they should employ a boss for whom Championship survival and a balanced budget would constitute success and then everyone's ambitions would be aligned?

Mario Gomez for Bayern Munich (v Manchester City), 27 September 2011

2011-09-27T23:19:00.003+01:00

From the Daily Star, Tuesday 26 September, 2011:

"Roberto Mancini has told his sulking striker Carlos Tevez that he can still have a big future at Manchester City.

"Mancini insists Tevez will be involved against the German giants and believes last season’s top scorer still has a role to play this season. The City boss said: “Carlos is a fantastic player... There is no problem with Carlos. He is an important player for this club and he will be involved against Bayern Munich.”

Well, Tevez was supposed to be involved against Bayern Munich, before deciding he didn't feel like it and refusing to come on as a sub for the club.

Mancini after the match, around 14 hours later: "If one player earns a lot of money, play for Manchester City in the Champions League and has this behaviour, for me he can't play. Never.

"Afterwards I wanted to put Carlos Tevez on the pitch, he refused to go on the pitch. For me it is a bad situation."

Just as they looked as they might have the skill and spirit necessary to challenge for the Premier League and Champions League, the wheels come off at Manchester City. Dzeko storms off the pitch when substituted and Tevez refuses to come on as a sub. Being named as a substitute and then refusing to come onto the pitch is absolutely unforgivable behaviour for a footballer, surely?

In spite of his obvious desire to leave the club, Tevez continues to be paid handsomely and is under contract to his employers. And people wonder why football may be losing touch with the common man, who wouldn't last five minutes if they refused to do their job when asked.

It's happened before, of course (Pierre van Hooijdonk went on strike at Nottingham Forest) and no doubt it will happen again. What next for Tevez, though? A season in City's reserves? An apology and reinstatement to the squad? Or should everyone club together, buy out his contract and hold his registration so he can't play for anyone?

Footballers are idiots. Who knew?

Jone Samuelsen for Odd Grenland (v Tromso), 25 September 2011

2011-09-26T12:08:00.003+01:00

101 Great Goals #71 - Jone Samuelsen

It's injury time and Tromso have pushed all their players forward in search of an equaliser in their Norwegian league match against Odd Grenland. Then, Grenland's Jone Samuelsen seals the win with what is believed to be the longest-range header in football history....

Bonkers.

Nani (for Manchester United) v Chelsea, 18 September 2011

2011-09-23T12:06:00.003+01:00

We promise we won't mention it again after day. Well, not much, anyway.

(thank to Matty for the picture)

Fernando Torres for Chelsea (v Manchester United), 18 September 2011

2011-09-19T22:56:00.002+01:00

I was going to write a carefully crafted piece about whether it is possible for footballers to lose their mojo. I was going to make reference to people like Gaizka Mendieta and Michael Ricketts to determine whether mediocre players just have one great season (Ricketts) or whether once great players (Mendieta, Torres) simply lose their mojo and never get it back.

All sorts of psychological analysis was planned, and I was going to invite comments on the difficult man management task facing Andre Villas-Boas after his £50 million striker's nightmare at Old Trafford.

And then, I found a link to Sky's FanZone commentary of the miss. Much more suited to the tone of our website, I think (and it appears Peter Kay is doing the United commentary...)

It's 6 minutes 45 seconds in.

"Is this a Carry On movie....?!!!!"

Sylvain Ebanks-Blake for Wolves (vs Northampton), 23rd August 2011

2011-09-16T22:22:00.001+01:00

As a Wolves fan, how could I not be drawn to the story of how the club badge mysteriously appeared in the sky above the Black Country.

As Metro reported:

'It was amazing,' an onlooker said of the wolf-shaped gap in the cumulus. It was one of those days where it was partly overcast and partly sunny. Someone just looked up and there it was - hovering about the houses. We all saw it and just stood there in amazement'.One supporter suggested the appearance of the Wolves club badge has a deeper meaning than just a single moment of good fortune. 'It clearly shows someone up there loves Wolves,' he said. 'As if last year's miraculous last-day escape from relegation wasn't enough, this surely shows it's not just mere mortals who love the black and gold.'He added, with a hint of relish: 'I've never seen a throstle or a Baggie Bird depicted up above.'

Yes, that's right. Conclusive proof that God is a Wolves fan because you never see the emblems of West Bromwich Albion displayed in cloud formations.

Brilliant. Although it must be said that God's probably not setting His sights very high if "narrowly avoiding relegation" is His plan for His chosen club.

He truly does move in mysterious ways.

[thanks to GJ for pointing the story out to me]

Javier Hernandez for Manchester United (v Bolton Wanderers), 10 September 2011

2011-09-12T17:11:00.003+01:00

Emma Davies on Twitter: "For all the ill-informed haters ... Kevin spoke to Tom Cleverly [sic] on the phone earlier. He would never intentionally hurt anyone."

Name football's dirty players. Paul Scholes, perhaps. Midfield hardmen like Lee Bowyer and Joey Barton. Football's hard-tackling cheats are idiots, aren't they? They aren't loveable 34 year olds praised for their attitude and commitment who, after 15 years in footie, finally got the reward of an England cap late in their career...

Kevin Davies' tackle on Manchester United's Tom Cleverley this weekend was no worse than hundreds of other tackles seen in English football, even if the midfielder will be out of action for a month or so. And, Mrs Kevin Davies is probably right that the Bolton striker would 'never intentionally hurt anyone'.

It is worth remembering the facts, though. Loveable, committed, 'role model for young players' Kevin Davies has committed more fouls in the Premier League than any other player for seven out of the last eight seasons. He'd have a full eight year record also had he not been pipped to the post by another lumbering striker (John Carew) a couple of years ago.

The Cleverley tackle is not an isolated incident. Davies is the dirtiest player in the twenty year history of the Premier League. Bar none.

Now, I don't mind the Bolton captain; an opinion that I suspect is shared by a lot of football fans. I do wonder, though, whether if someone else held that unenviable record - perhaps a Barton, a Gerrard, a Fletcher or a Savage - that there wouldn't be a day go by without a reminder of that statistic. Davies, meanwhile, wouldn't probably get on a list of the top ten footballers in England in a pub debate.

He must have good PR - but we know the truth.

Scott Parker for West Ham (vs Chelsea), 11th September 2010

2011-09-09T19:16:00.000+01:00

Did you see that remarkable stat this week that, before the game against Wales, Scott Parker had won seven caps for England under three different managers over the course of 8 years whilst playing for five different clubs?

Nothing like consistency of selection, eh?

Since his debut against Denmark in 2003, the following players have been capped in (broadly) midfield:

Alan Thompson (1 cap)
Shaun Wright-Phillips (36 caps)
Stewart Downing (29 caps)
Kieran Richardson (8 caps)
Theo Walcott (18 caps)
Aaron Lennon (19 caps)
Joey Barton (1 cap)
David Bentley (7 caps)
Ashley Young (17 caps)
Gabby Agbonglahor (3 caps)
James Milner (19 caps)
Tom Huddlestone (3 caps)
Adam Johnson (8 caps)
Jack Wilshere (5 caps)

Now, of those, the most capped are basically wingers: Wright-Phillips, Downing, Walcott, Lennon, Young, Milner. As are Thompson, Richardson, Bentley, Agbonglahor and Johnson. Competing for the same central midfield slot in the team as Parker were players like Barton (1 cap), Huddlestone (3 caps) and Wilshere (5 caps).

So why wasn't Scott Parker making the team more often?

Oh yes:

Steven Gerrard (89 caps)
Frank Lampard (88 caps)
Gareth Barry (48 caps)

With that much stability in midfield, we must have been amazing over the last 8 years, eh?

Oh.

To be fair, Parker probably hasn't helped himself with his choice of clubs, particularly when he left Charlton for the Chelsea bench.... but after a brilliant season last year in a struggling West Ham team (he was voted the Football Writers' player of the year and was on the shortlist of 6 for the PFA award), it looked like the now nearly 31 year old Parker's moment had come again when he was picked in the team to play Bulgaria at the start of September. Result: a good 3-0 win and talk of how England were rebuilding and it was the dawn of a new era.

Our midfield for this week's game against Wales? Barry and Lampard. And that was only probably only because Steven Gerrard is injured. Or, charitably, Parker is now suddenly such a key player for the national team that he was being rested for the Montenegro game because he on a yellow card and risked suspension. Hmm. If that's true, then you wouldn't blame Parker for marvelling at the sudden change in his international fortunes.

What's the saying? If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Hmm. Actually, with that in mind, maybe we should just ditch Parker too.

Tom Cleverley anyone?

Walid Soliman for Al-Ahly (v Kima Aswan), 7 September 2011

2011-09-07T17:05:00.002+01:00

I don't suppose the last 32 stage of the Egyptian Cup generally generates all that much international interest. Other than the fact that this season's tournament had been significantly delayed (due to the popular uprising in the country), this season's competition looked to be nothing particularly special.

Then, along came Amir Sayoud. Al-Ahly were cruising at 4-0 up and heading for the last 16 when Sayoud stepped up to take this spot-kick. What resulted was, well, see for yourself....

Mikel Arteta for Everton (v Blackburn Rovers), 27 August 2011

2011-09-03T10:01:00.000+01:00

Players Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 9

Transfer Deadline Day Special

Overheard whilst listening to Radio 5 Live as the transfer window shut. The panel were discussing Jermain Jenas' loan move to Aston Villa and Arsenal's late capture of Mikel Arteta from Everton.

"The Venga bus has signed someone called Arsehatter?"

and

"Did he just say that Jesus had been confirmed?"

(Incidentally, we were wondering whether Jesus was the only person in history that wouldn't actually need to be confirmed, being the Son of God and all. I'd like to see Jesus turn up in the midfield at a Midlands club, though. Oh,sorry, he already has:)

Junior Lewis for Hendon (v Leyton Orient), 25 November 1997

2011-09-02T10:12:00.000+01:00

The relationship between ex-England boss Peter Taylor and journeyman midfielder Junior Lewis has long been a source of great hilarity on this site.

Here, for example, we reflected on Lewis joining Taylor at Bradford back in 2008 (the 8th (videprinter: EIGHTH) time the pair have worked together.

Here, Ian analyses Lewis' close relationship with Taylor, perhaps even alleging that there may be more to their relationship than meets the eye...

And, even The Times picked up on our story and the bizarre relationship between the two men.

Well, this week I notice that Peter Taylor has a new job: as manager of the Bahrain national side. It can surely only be a matter of time before Junior (currently coaching at Hendon) gets the call to head out to Manama...?

Scott Parker for West Ham (vs Liverpool), 27th January 2011

2011-09-01T09:00:00.000+01:00

How transfer deadline day came to pass.....

Premier League Executive#1: This is DISASTROUS: we’re three weeks into the season and we’ve already hit the deathly hallows. There’s no European games this week, no Premier League games for two weeks and - WORST OF ALL – England are playing a qualifier.

Premier League Executive#2: Shit. England are playing? We’re haemorrhaging fans! We’re THE GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD. We can’t afford to have coverage in the media drop below absolute saturation level. 5Live are actually going to be talking about world conflict if we’re not careful. THIS WILL NOT STAND. What can we do?

Premier League Executive#1: Hmm. We need something that will keep people’s attention in this arid time for football; something that will make them sit up and talk FOOTBALL; something that will flood the newspapers and airwaves with pointless chatter, opinion and ill-informed speculation from overweight ex-pros and failed managers….

Premier League Executive#2: Like in the summer when the endless, empty, football-less hours are filled with made-up transfer rumours?

Premier League Executive#1: YES. Only crammed into a smaller period to make all of the inane babble come together into a focused crescendo of climactic excitement brought about by an artificial deadline. BIGGER AND BETTER.

Premier League Executive#2: You mean….?

Premier League Executive#1: YES. TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY. We could artificially and pointlessly force teams into panic purchases. Imagine the excitement!

Premier League Executive#2: [gasps] We could interview Harry Redknapp LIVE from the window of his car at the Tottenham training ground!

Premier League Executive#1: Think of the product sponsorship opportunities. How many fax machines could we sell off the back of this?

Premier League Executive#2: We’d have rolling coverage on all media outlets for DAYS. WE NEED THIS COVERAGE MORE THAN WE NEED OXYGEN. WITHOUT IT WE WILL SURELY WITHER AND DIE. Fuck La Liga. We need a BIGGER and BETTER transfer deadline day.

Premier League Executive#1: It’s what Sky Sports News was created for. GET ME JIM WHITE ON THE PHONE. NOW!

Jim White: …. LOUD NOISES! We’ve just heard from Andy in Barnet who has a friend who works in Heathrow who has texted him to say that he’s just seen Andres Iniesta in a Brighton shirt on his way towards the South Coast wearing a kiss me quick hat……

Ashley Young for Manchester United (v Arsenal), 28 August 2011

2011-08-30T22:52:00.004+01:00

OK, so he's six foot six tall, has won 75 caps for one of the world's leading sides and is a (relative) bargain at £7.6 million. But is Per Mertesacker really the answer to Arsenal's woes?

Sunday saw their defence totally outclassed by Manchester United and so I'm not sure a slow, lumbering centre half would have been all that much help. Clearly Wenger needs reinforcements and the Gunners aren't going to win a title with Johan Djorou and Laurent Koscielny at the back. Mertesacker, though? Surely he'd have been better off with Gary Cahill, Christopher Samba or Phil Jagielka? (although all three are lumping great old fashioned defenders, to be fair).

I can see the financial advantages of spending £1.8 on the South Korean captain - Arsenal should recoup that on shirt sales in Seoul within a fortnight or so - but I'm less convinced that Mertesacker is the missing piece of the Arsenal jigsaw.

(And, while we're on the subject of Arsenal, why hasn't Wenger got shot of Arshavin, yet? I haven't seen a player so disinterested since, well, Tomas Rosicky....)

By the close of the transfer window we should have a better idea of whether Arsenal are genuine title contenders or whether they're about to be usurped by the likes of Stoke City, Newcastle United and Sunderland. It could go either way.

Kevin Doyle for Wolverhampton Wanderers (vs Fulham), 21st August 2011

2011-08-25T21:06:00.000+01:00

If you'll forgive the indulgence, I would just like to take a moment to salute the genius of the manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers, Mr. Michael Joseph McCarthy. In the wake of his team's 2-0 victory over Fulham on Sunday, Wolves were briefly sat at the top of the Premier League table. Not that Big Mick was allowing anyone to get carried away with that. When asked his reaction to the club's league position, McCarthy wasn't messing about:

"My reaction: bothered. I'll tell you what I don't like: we start bottom every year, don't we? By alphabetical order. It's nice to be top after two games"

Way to go Mick: rage against the injustice of ordering the table alphabetically before the season starts!

There was some speculation that Fulham's performance was affected by their early-season (June!) involvement in the Europa League. True to form, Mick made it pretty clear that it wasn't really on his 'to do' list for Wolves to qualify for Europe:

"If we ever get anywhere near the Europa League, I'll be horrified. If it's through fair play, I'll even go out and kick a few opponents to make sure we don't qualify..."

Love him or hate him, Big Mick is an antidote to some of the anodyne crap that gets spouted in post-match interviews, isn't he? Here are a few corkers:

"I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey."

"Anyone who uses the word 'quintessentially' in a half time talk is talking crap."

"We've got the drug testers here today. They shouldn't be going to see the players. They should go to see the officials instead."

"I'd rather be favourites for Premiership relegation than favourites to win the play-offs"

...and my two favourites:

"'Matt Jarvis for England'? Yes, I heard those chants. It’s when they sing ‘Mick McCarthy is a big-nose wanker’ that I don’t hear the crowd.”

[on being asked what he thought of the own-goal Wolves conceded in the 60th second of their game against Reading in 2009] "Fucking abysmal, that was what I fucking thought of it. C'mon, let's get to it, I'm trying my best here. What did I make of it? I thought it was the best bit of fucking football I've seen in a long time. Do me a favour. It was a crap start to a game. There you have it, can you print all that? Fucking rubbish, absolute tosh. Drivel. Shite. Bullshit. That's what I thought of it. Did that help? I'm quite pleased, apart from the fact that's given them the poxy result, I'm fucking livid about it – of course I am. So, there you have it." Listen to this one in all of its glory here.

He's a legend.

With the news that Sir Alex Ferguson has dropped his astonishingly childish campaign of silence against the BBC, I'm devastated that Mike Phelan will no longer be dazzling me with his wit and insight after United games. I suppose I'll have to make do with Mick.

Riccardo Montolivo for Italy (v Spain), 10 August 2011

2011-08-24T13:15:00.002+01:00

Now then. You don't need us to tell you that the FIFA World Rankings are a load of old toilet. Indeed, we were saying the same thing six years ago (this excellent piece by Swisslet explains how the ranking system works - it is the same today except only four years of results are taken into account, not eight).

Whilst there may be complicated mathematical rationale for arriving at the rankings, you only have to look at them and have a vague knowledge of international football to know that they're clearly cobblers.

For example, the reigning World and European champions, Spain, are no longer considered the best side in the world, mainly because they lost a pointless friendly in Italy earlier this month. Instead, we're supposed to believe that an (admittedly good) Holland side are the best team, despite losing to Spain in the last World Cup Final.

And, even more hilariously, England are, apparently, the fourth best side in the world. Fourth! We couldn't beat Switzerland, need some good results to even qualify for Euro 2012 and yet we're considered a better side than Brazil, Italy, Portugal, Argentina, France....

Uruguay - World Cup semi finalists and Copa America champions are behind England. How does that work?

And, Haiti are now above Wales. Now, I'm not the world's leading expert on the Haitian football team, but I reckon Wales could have them, you know....

What an utter waste of time.

Anderson for Manchester Utd (v Tottenham Hotspur), 22 August 2011

2011-08-23T13:57:00.001+01:00

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 8

Snorts of laughter come from the adjacent room.

"Really? They call him 'The Gayer'?"

Luis Suarez for Liverpool (vs Arsenal), 20th August 2011

2011-08-21T11:50:00.000+01:00

It usually doesn't do to scrutinise my pre-season predictions too closely.... and barely two weeks into the season, I'm already wondering whether Yossi Benayoun really is going to be the fulcrum at Chelsea..... but I did say this about Arsenal:

"I can't see him being sacked, but what are the odds on Wenger walking out at some point this year?"

Now, we all know that the media like a good crisis, and they've certainly been doing their best to put the pressure Wenger on after a poor start that has seen Arsenal gather a single point and no goals from two games.

Every bar room expert knows that Wenger needed to sign a strong goalkeeper, a dominant centrehalf, a midfield ballwinner in the mould of Patrick Viera and a goalscorer to play up front with the ever-injury-prone Robin van Persie. What do they get? A 19 year old defender, a 17 year old winger and an apparently very volatile Ivorian striker. How typically Wenger those signings are. Worse yet is the loss of skipper and heartbeat of the side, Cesc Fabregas, to Barcelona and the likely departure of Samir Nasri to a rival Premier League team.

You hardly need to be an expert to sense the upheaval going on at the Emirates, and it hasn't taken the press long to gleefully get their classic "club in crisis" headlines out.

It's early days though, isn't it? Even though the Fabregas and Nasri have been expected to leave for some time, most of those same critics reporting on the turmoil in North London were still predicting that Arsenal would finish in the top 4 in the Premier League. Yes, they do probably need to make some signings in the next couple of weeks before the transfer window closes, but there is still time and, although it's not really Wenger's style to splash the cash around near deadline day, who's to say that a couple of well-judged signings might make all the difference to Arsenal's season?

Arsenal's next few games are critical: the second-leg of the Champions League qualifier with Udinese, then a trip to Old Trafford in the league for a Super Sunday fixture on 28th August....then a home game against Swansea before bogey side Bolton at the Emirates and then Spurs away on 2nd October.

Is it too soon to say that Arsenal's season could effectively be over by October?

It's a cliche AND a statement of the obvious, but these really are a make or break few weeks for Arsenal. I doubt they'll ever sack him, but maybe, just maybe, Wenger will decide that enough is enough before the leaves have come off the trees.

Interesting times.

Robbie Keane for the Republic of Ireland (vs Scotland), 29th May 2011

2011-08-19T08:10:00.000+01:00

The transfer of Cesc Fabregas from Arsenal to Barcelona may have dragged on, but surely not even the most ardent Arsenal fan begrudges him his move back to his hometown club; the team he has supported all of his life.

Even though he was clearly delighted to be joining his new club, Fabregas was classy enough to pay tribute to the club he was leaving behind:

"I was just a servant and spent eight years there when I gave absolutely everything. It didn't show in the cabinet, I only won one FA Cup really, and this is the biggest regret I will have in my career, probably, not to be able to lift a trophy as Arsenal captain. I will always be an Arsenal fan because what they have done for me is unbelievable and I will never forget it."

Compare and contrast with the transfers of Robert David "Ballbag" Keane, who joined the LA Galaxy for £3.5m this week:

This week: "I have always wanted to come and play in MLS so it's the perfect combination for me and a dream come true"

20 August 1999: "It has always been my dream to play in the Premiership and I'm over the moon to be joining Coventry."

31 July 2000: "It's every kid's dream come true. I am absolutely delighted at the prospect of joining a world-famous club like Inter."

14 May 2007: "They say five clubs and all that, but I am very settled here [at Spurs] and am really enjoying it."

28 July 2008: "I've been a Liverpool fan all my life, going back to when I was a kid growing up in Dublin, and I always had a Liverpool shirt on my back. To be sitting here today in a Liverpool tracksuit is a dream come true."

6 February 2009: "I'm delighted to be back [at Spurs]. This is a club that's dear to my heart."

1 February 2010: "I am a Celtic fan and did not have to ask much about it. I always wanted to play for Celtic and it works for all parties."

31 January 2011: "I'm ready to help West Ham stay up. I feel I have plenty left to offer at the highest level for at least the next four or five years."

Twonk.

Peter Osgood for Chelsea (v Milan), 16 February 1966

2011-08-16T20:12:00.004+01:00

We, at Cheer Up Alan Shearer, hate Barry Davies.

Now, you may wonder how we can say such a thing. He's 73 years old, for heaven's sake. It's like saying you hate someone's grandad. (Well, he probably is someone's grandad so it's, er, exactly the same as saying that.)

Thankfully, he has retired from football commentary. Although the same cannot be said for all the other sports which suffer from Barry’s patronising musings. We have heard him commentate on gymnastics, on ice-dancing, on obscure Olympic events. For Lord's sake, we thought we'd finally got rid of him until he turned up at Wimbledon this year.

The BBC applaud his wide ranging skill and general sporting knowledge. We say “jack of all trades, master of none”.

When was the last time you heard Motty commentating on pursuit cycling? Or badminton? Quite right. Never. Motty is a proper 'one sport' commentator.

The problem with Barry Davies is that he applies his (and we use the word very loosely) “style” to everything he does. As we see it, this style involves:

1. Setting the scene by using language that makes it sound like you’re watching a 1950s police drama.

2. Patronising every mistake, foul or infringement by using words like “quite unnecessary”.

3. Spending five minutes saying nothing because you think the viewer respects you for doing that (when actually what they want is commentary which is what you are being paid for).

4. After the five minutes of silence, making a noise that sounds like you’ve just been walloped in the gonads.

It’s the noise that angers us the most. Yelling “oooooooooooooooooooooof” when something of importance happens. Making a career out of the noises Paul Whitehouse makes as the “suits you” character is frankly preposterous.

Anyway, this somewhat irrational hatred of the doddery old duffer did, six years ago, lead to a brand new football related comedy feature called “Mr And Mrs Barry Davies” telling the ordinary day to day tales of an ordinary sports commentator. It wasn't any good in 2005, and it's certainly not any good now. Is that going to stop us bringing it back? Oh no.

Mr And Mrs Davies – Part 1

At the restaurant.

[Barry and Maureen Davies walk into the Chinese restaurant. They are seated by the waiter.]

Maureen: “It’s nice in here isn’t it?”

Barry: “Welcome to the Woo Sang. It’s a balmy night in Romford as you join me for this Chinese meal. It’s the sixteenth time we’ve met in this restaurant and so far it’s nine-six to me in terms of who has paid the bill. The restaurant has been decked out for the occasion in the colours of the Dong-Hang-Ming dynasty dating back to several thousand years ago.”

Maureen: “What are you having for a starter, love? I’m having the Sesame Prawn Toast.”

Barry: “Oh, that’s dreadful. A dreadful mistake, and I wouldnt be surprised if that costs you the whole meal. Terrible. What were you thinking? I can’t believe you didn’t even consult the assistant for a second opinion before making that decision. Frankly that could alter the whole outcome.”

Maureen: “And them I’m having the Sweet and Sour Chicken”.

[Barry looks at the menu in silence for six and a half minutes]

Barry: “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof. Lovely rice. Love-ly rice.”

(Admittedly, this feature may not run to a whole series. That won’t stop us trying, though.)

Sergio Aguero for Manchester City (vs Swansea), 16th August 2011

2011-08-16T07:43:00.000+01:00

30 minutes on the pitch.

A goal with his first touch and an assist with his third.

Two goals and one assist on debut.

A 4-0 victory.

Very average.

Mancini better pray that he can keep Carlos Tevez and Mario Ballotelli happy in Manchester if City are going to achieve anything this season. He'll be kicking himself for not going in for Joel Campbell now.

Shane Long for West Bromwich Albion (v Manchester United), 14 August 2011

2011-08-15T11:58:00.003+01:00

So, the Best League In The World is back with a bang for a brand new season of, well, exactly the same as we're used to.

1. Opposition manager has a go at Stoke City

If there's one thing likely to get our hackles up, it's the assertion that teams who do not play Barcelona-esque fancy football are somehow less worthy than other sides. The whole idea of football is that there are an infinite number of ways a match can turn out, and countless different styles of play, player and tactics.

This time it was new Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas having a pop at Stoke for their 'over physical style' (conveniently ignoring the presence in his side of John Terry and Didier Drogba, neither of whom would back out of a fight if one were offered).

Arsenal under George Graham and Arsene Wenger are two very different types of side but both ended up winning the league. Teams play in different ways, and we wish Stoke all the luck in the world.

2. Joey Barton makes headlines

Joey Barton is to the back page of the Daily Express what Princess Diana and Madeleine McCann are to the front page. This time it was his scuffle with Gervinho and his 'being stamped on' by Alex Song that thrust the wantaway Newcastle midfielder into the spotlight.

Barton had a point regarding Song (who will no doubt receive some retrospective punishment) but dragging the Ivory Coast striker up by his shirt and roughing him up a bit before throwing himself to the deck after the faintest caress on his cheek didn't do Barton any favours. To be fair to Barton, he has acknowledged that he 'went down a bit easily' but, yet again, trouble follows the controversial midfielder.

3. Arsene needs to sign a centre half and holding midfielder

How many seasons have we been saying this now? And what will he do? Sign a diminutive trickster to add to the twelve he already has on his books.

4. Kieron Dyer gets injured

You really couldn't make this up, could you? 35 appearances in four seasons. He's only 32, you know.

5. Sir Alex proves once again that signing goalkeepers is his Achilles heel whilst Sky's analysis is ****

Mark Bosnich. Massimo Taibi. Andy Goram. Tim Howard. Jim Leighton. Les Sealey. Ben Foster. Fabien Barthez (to some degree). Roy Carroll. Ricardo.

And now we can add David de Gea to that list. Looking like a beanpole student who can't find his way to the lecture theatre, de Gea flapped and fumbled his way through his league debut looking a pale shadow of the impressive character who helped Spain to the European under 21 title.

Clearly he will adapt to life in England (Peter Schmeichel famously had a nightmare in his first away match at Wimbledon) but a 20 year old playing behind novice centre halves for the next few weeks could cause Sir Alex some sleepless nights.

Whilst we're on the subject, Jamie Redknapp and Gary Neville's inane analysis on Sunday was something to behold. The pair blamed de Gea's nervous performance on 'having to come to England and cope with an intimidating atmosphere.' This is the same goalie who has played 100 La Liga games including matches at the Bernebeu as an Atletico player, yes? I gather that's much less intimidating than a Sunday afternoon in West Bromwich....

Sigh. Not much changes, does it?

Sebastian Larsson for Sunderland (v Liverpool), 13 August 2011

2011-08-14T12:20:00.003+01:00

Just a reminder that if you like Cheer Up Alan Shearer you can follow us using other modern social media type thingummies.

We're on Twitter @cheerupno9 and we're also on Facebook as, would you believe, Cheer Up Alan Shearer.

We don't have a LinkedIn account as, frankly, we don't know what that is...

Luis Suarez for Liverpool (v Sunderland), 13 August 2011

2011-08-13T16:04:00.002+01:00

Listening to the Liverpool v Sunderland match on Saturday afternoon, I was struck by the back four selected by Bernard Cribbins at Anfield.

Bardsley
Brown
Ferdinand
Richardson

Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds like a Manchester United Carling Cup defence from about 2007. Does Cribbins really think that he can challenge for a European place with a bunch of hapless Manchester United cast-offs?

Dear oh dear. He'll be signing John O'Shea and Frazier Campbell next...

Eh? Oh.

Nani for Manchester Utd (vs Manchester City), 7th August 2011

2011-08-10T22:50:00.001+01:00

ST's annual(-ish) Premier League Predictions

Look, let's be honest about this: predicting the results of the Premier League is a fool's errand. Not that this stops everybody from doing it, of course. In case you hadn't noticed, top flight football is back in England this weekend, and you will already have read in-depth analysis of each of the twenty teams in the league in every single newspaper, most magazines and heard previews all over the radio. The fundamental problem with every single one of these previews is the basic predictability of the league: most people are agreed on the entire top 7, many with Manchester Utd as champions and arguing over the odd place here or there for the rest. Below Everton, who seem to have a consensus of opinion that backs them as being better than most, but not THAT good, the rest is a bun fight where the remaining 13 sides in the league appear to be much of a muchness. A good or bad start could mean that the rest of the season is determined in the first five games: pushing for the top 10 or a battle against relegation.

The Premier League likes to market itself as being the BEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, but the overall quality seems to have dropped, and if Manchester Utd win it again, and we're left picking the bones out of the race to finish 4th and to avoid the drop, where does that really leave the league? Don't get me wrong: I'm a Wolves fan and I relish the fact that, in spite of escaping the drop by the skin of our teeth last time, we could harbour serious hopes of making a step up and finishing much more comfortably in the league...without ever really troubling the top 6. Although, it should be remembered that even lowly Wolves managed to get wins last season against Manchester Utd, Manchester City, Liverpool, Chelsea and Spurs. Were we really so surprised that Barcelona outclassed the team that outclassed the rest of the league?

I was reminded of another problem with the Premier League when listening to the radio the other night. Steve Claridge was positively frothing at the mouth in incredulity at Arsene Wenger's failure to sign a dominant centre half or a big centre forward. Apart from the absurd situation that sees someone like him -- a journeyman ex-pro with precisely no managerial experience -- commenting on a much garlanded managerial legend like Wenger, the sheer lack of context is breathtaking. Arsenal do have challenges this season, but most people see them pushing for a top 4 finish again this year. How many other teams in the league would kill to have problems like the ones they have? If you think the coverage of the riots has been overwhelmingly London-centric, then the coverage of the Premier League is overwhelmingly focused on three or four clubs: both Manchester clubs, Liverpool and Arsenal in particular.

Perhaps you can't really blame the media, maybe this is what the fans really want to see. Look at the number of comments on the Guardian's pre-season previews: the preview of Swansea currently has 74 comments, the preview of Manchester Utd has 1,194.... with most fans regurgitating things in their comments that they have seen in the media with a bit of added bile and partisanship thrown in for good measure. Real, insightful comment is rare.... just as it is in the articles above the line.

Come on then, let's get this (mostly) annual shambles on the road. Bear in mind that I tipped Liverpool under Benitez to win the league in this once. They didn't. They finished 7th and their manager left the club. Hmmm. I'll try not to labour this too much: the main thing is our predictions for the league table. As with everybody else's previews, the rest is basically nonsense.

Here we go then. Enjoy.

1 Manchester Utd
LB’s prediction: 1st
Last season 1st

There's a pretty good argument that says that, although they've had a busy summer in the transfer market and may yet add a certain Dutch maestro from Inter, Manchester Utd have strengthened their squad without strengthening their strongest XI. As their victory in the Community Shield would seem to indicate, they can probably expect to run away with the league again this year. Bragging rights over Liverpool aside, isn't the club's real target to overhaul Barcelona to become the champion club of Europe? Given how comfortably beaten they were in the final last year, and given the signings that Barcelona have (or are about to) make, is that realistic? They'll win the league again. What more needs to be said? More importantly, he's a great manager, but how much longer do we have to put up with Alex Ferguson either refusing to speak to the media at all (the BBC, anyway. Mike Phelan? Seriously?) or listen to his inanely childish "mind games". Are we so in thrall to everything about this club that we will play out anything they say as news, regardless of how banal it is? Wait, don't answer that.

One to Watch: Tom Cleverley – the new Paul Scholes?
Fantasy Pick: Hernandez – goal sniffer supreme.
The gaffer is: Older than Ryan Giggs.

2 Manchester City
LB’s prediction 2nd
Last season 3rd

Mario Ballotelli. I'm not a City fan, but if I was I would surely be close to the point of deciding that no matter how talented he might be, he can't be worth the effort. I reckon I'd be pretty close to coming to the same conclusion about Carlos Tevez too. By all accounts Sergio Aguero is a genius though, and Mancini seems to have a steely core about him that belies his rather dapper image. I'm increasingly getting the impression that he's the kind of guy who doesn't take all that much shit. Ignore all that fluff about their own club jet and how the owner personally controls 10% if the world's oil reserves... even forget if you can quite how much money they've spent on the squad. The bottom line is that Mancini is slowly putting together a side that may be able to mount a bid for the title. Laugh at them as nouveau-riche vulgarions sitting in a stadium that they initially designed without a trophy cabinet. It's surely only a matter of time, isn't it? If there's steel in Mancini, then there's steel in his side too. This season is too early, but they're beginning to look ominous.

One to Watch: It’s got to be Sergio Aguero, hasn’t it?
Fantasy Pick: Joe Hart’s clean sheet record is worth a look
The gaffer is: big scarfed and well coiffed.

3 Chelsea
LB’s prediction 3rd
Last season 2nd

They're ageing and have a lot of their players seemingly prepared to sit out the end of their contracts, but Chelsea may just be a force again this season after a period of relative calm. The reason: André Villas-Boas. Perhaps it's all hype and wishful thinking, but there just might be a touch of the Mourinho's about this guy. Hell, if he can get this lot playing exciting, attacking football, then winning the league should be a cinch. Frank Lampard has been off the boil a bit recently, but he's actually grown on me in recent seasons, and I find myself hoping that he's one of those players who has a long, Indian summer at the end of his career. John Terry you can keep, though... and don't even get me started on the full back. There's something unlikeable about this particular generation of Chelsea players, and therefore about the club itself. It probably doesn't help that Roman Abramovich always looks to me like he's sneering down from the executive box. If he gives André Villas-Boas a chance (i.e. longer than a single season) and let's him make his own signings and pick his own teams, then perhaps they'll be able to make a challenge for the title. You'll notice we've predicted a third place finish though, eh?

One to Watch: Josh McEachran is making waves
Fantasy Pick: Yossi Benayoun could be the fulcrum
The gaffer is: Mini Mourinho?

4 Arsenal
LB’s prediction 4th
Last season 4th

As Steve Claridge droned on about on Five Live the other day, everybody knows that Wenger needs to sign a defender, a striker and probably a goalkeeper. Well, he's sort of right, isn't he? It was unthinkable not that long ago, but the storm clouds seem to be gathering around Arsene Wenger. He has money, we're told, and yet he seems to stubbornly refuse to spend it on anything other than lightweight teenage midfielders. Worse: the club look likely to lose two massively influential figures in Samir Nasri and Cesc Fabregas. These are interesting times to be an Arsenal fan, and no mistake. Perhaps he'll stun us all with both the quality of their football and their ability to guts out tough games against the likes of Bolton and Blackburn. It's not totally out of the question, and maybe Wenger will surprise us all by signing Joey Barton and Kevin Davies, but there seems to be an air of decline about this Arsenal side. Shame really. When they're a their best, they play sumptuous football. I can't see him being sacked, but what are the odds on Wenger walking out at some point this year?

One to Watch: Arsene Wenger. May blow up this year.
Fantasy Pick: Gervinho
The gaffer is: apparently unable to sign a dominating centre half

5 Liverpool
LB’s prediction 5th
Last season 6th

Ugh. I'm not even going to give them the satisfaction of a preview. They seem to have a media profile vastly in excess of any of their recent success on the field, and I haven't got the energy to make any predictions for them.

One to Watch: Luis Suarez. Electric
Fantasy Pick: Is Charlie Adam really the new Xabi Alonso? Really?
The gaffer is: Mostly incomprehensible

6 Tottenham Hotspur
LB’s prediction 6th
Last season 5th

Harry Redknapp probably couldn't believe his luck when he got this job, and he's used his wheeler-dealing to build a pretty handy side that got some amazing results last year, especially in Europe. If he can keep Gareth Bale fit, then who knows what's possible, but I can't help but feel that they've peaked. How can you build a side when your best players are turning their gaze elsewhere in order to further their career. Modric took a while to fill his potential at White Hart Lane, and the club put a lot of faith in him.... but he seems to want to leave. If he does, especially if he ends up at another Premier League club, then that's not a very good sign is it? They'll probably defend appallingly and thrill us with their passing and attacking intent, but I doubt they'll be consistent enough to seriously push for a top 4 finish again. Shame really... it's good to mix it up at the top a bit, and it was definitely fun while it lasted.

One to Watch: Heurelho Gomes. Clangers a go-go.
Fantasy Pick: Bale or van de Vaart are obvious. Friedel maybe?
The gaffer is: over performing?

7 Everton
LB’s prediction 7th
Last season 7th

Solid. I'm not sure what else to say, really. I have to take my hat off to Phil Neville though: I assumed that when he left Manchester Utd, he would be revealed as being not all that good and that he had won 50 caps for England simply by playing in an outstanding side. I was wrong - he's a gutsy, hard-working player with a lot of skill and he's a great captain. He's surprisingly eloquent and he scored an amazing goal against Wolves at Molineux last season. A credit to his profession. I wonder how long David Moyes will stay though, making the most from limited resources and consistently over-performing on a shoe-string. Until Sir Alex retires, maybe?

One to Watch: Ross Barkley – another talented young English midfielder
Fantasy Pick: Phil Jagielka – well, might still sign for Arsenal.
The gaffer is: in need of a move?

8 Sunderland
LB’s prediction 8th
Last season 10th

In the end, not a bad season last year, although with ten games to go, they looked as though they might be in some serious trouble. Since then, Steve Bruce has brought in almost an entire team of new players. Once they've introduced themselves to each other, they might be able to string together a run of results on the pitch that seem them chasing up the table. Bearing in mind what I've just said about Phil Neville, it will also be interesting to see how Wes Brown and John O'Shea react to their new environment since their moves from Old Trafford. On paper, they're great additions to the squad and will add priceless experience... but can that translate onto the pitch. Is it just me, or is Steve Bruce looking increasingly like a tubby Bernard Cribbens?

Ones to Watch: John O’Shea & Wes Brown. Were they actually any good or just in a really good team for all those years? Time to find out.
Fantasy Pick: Asamoah Gyan – world player of the year nominee last season. Sebastian Larsson might be cheaper though and he scored goals at Birmingham, of all places
The gaffer is: ugly.

9 Stoke City
LB’s prediction 9th
Last season 13th

I've seen them described as 'a poor man's Sunderland', but the truth is that Tony Pulis has done an amazing job here. They might have been crushed in the cup final last season, but they are more than just holding their own in the Premier League... they seem to be getting better and better. They've always been big and strong and difficult to play, but Pulis seems to be slowly adding some real quality. They still seem to be dependent upon Rory Delap's monster throws, and they might well be distracted by a run in Europe, but this is a side on the up. How childish was it of Pulis to recall all his Peterborough loan players after they sacked Darren Ferguson though? Who was he trying to impress, exactly? Not a team many people enjoy playing, but good luck to 'em, I say. I still slightly amazed that the fans still don't really like the manager. Seriously?

One to Watch: Jonathan Woodgate. If he’s fit, then that’s a brilliant signing. If…
Fantasy Pick: Rory Delap, innit?
The gaffer is: hidden behind a baseball cap

10 Fulham
LB’s prediction 10th
Last season 8th

Mark Hughes is a plum, isn't he? Not an especially glamorous job, but I'd have Martin Jol over Hughes all day long. Jol was treated pretty badly by Spurs, in spite of doing a pretty reasonable job and Fulham have courted him patiently, kept in touch with him, and then finally landed their man. The squad has probably been overperforming, thanks more to Roy Hodgson than Hughes, but Jol might just be able to maintain that level of performance I can't see them really threatening much beyond 10th, but they're one of those clubs that seem to be well run and deserving of the success that they get. Mohammed Al Fayed gets a mixed press, but by all accounts he is a pretty good chairman prepared to back his manger to the hilt. That Michael Jackson statue is amazing though.

One to Watch: Andy Johnson. England international, apparently
Fantasy Pick: John Arne Riise… if he’s anything like he was at Liverpool, anyway. Maybe he's here mainly to babysit his brother though?
The gaffer is: underrated and back in London

11 Aston Villa
LB’s prediction 18th
Last season 9th

LB is convinced they are going to struggle this year, and given the kerfuffle over the appointment of Alex McCleish and the loss of their best performers from last season, it's really not hard to see where that opinion comes from. I'm not convinced though: they had a tough season last year and flirted with the drop-zone for quite long periods of the season. Young and Downing may have gone, but Charles N'Zogbia is a shrewd, Premier League proven performer and Shay Given is surely a more than adequate replacement from Brad Friedel. McCleish may be hated on both sides of Birmingham -- and I saw a "Love Villa, Hate McCleish" at Glastonbury this year -- but I can't help but think that he might do a job. He's no Martin O'Neill and I'm sure it won't be pretty, but I can't see them going down.

One to Watch: Shay Given. He’s good. Look out for him.
Fantasy Pick: Charles N’Zogbia. Great replacement for Ashley Young, surely?
The gaffer is: disliked by the locals. All the locals.

12 Bolton Wanderers
LB’s prediction 15th
Last season 14th

When Bolton reached the FA Cup semi-final last year, all of the coverage in the broadsheets was about Owen Coyle and what an amazing, talented, up-and-coming manager he was, and how his team was really going places. No one seemed to want to talk about Stoke at all. The result, a 4-0 tonking, rather put Coyle back into his box and may have encouraged some of the talent-spotters apparently sniffing around him to look elsewhere. Perhaps in the long-run that will be a blessing for Bolton and maybe the extra time Coyle has spent at the club will help them to take the next step. Then again, with Kevin Davies still playing up front and throwing his elbows around, the spectre of the side that Big Sam built will always be there.

One to Watch: Tom Eaves. The new Kevin Davies.
Fantasy Pick: ummm.
The gaffer is: Progressive. Although probably less so since that semi-final tonking by Stoke last season. And can you be with Davies up front? Really?

13 West Bromwich Albion
LB’s prediction 11th
Last season 11th

Roy Hodgson was treated appallingly by Liverpool fans last year: before he'd even really started, they were all parping on about how the manager of the year wasn't big enough for a club of their stature. Things didn't work out and he was quickly moved on, but he went to a club with real problems and very quickly turned their season right around. They flew up the table and out of trouble. Fans will be hoping they can get a better start this year and push on, but a season of stability would probably be no bad thing either. Was their a better striker in the league than Peter Odemwingie last year, by the way? 15 goals playing for this side? Amazing performance.

One to Watch: Ben Foster – his career seems to have stalled
Fantasy Pick: Peter Odemwingie – 15 goals last year got Juve interested (although personally, I have a soft spot for Zoltan Gera)
The gaffer is: better than Liverpool fans deserved

14 Newcastle Utd
LB’s prediction 14th
Last season 12th

Another one of those clubs where many fans seem to have very firm ideas about the kind of club they are supporting and the kind of football they should be playing. Better to lose every game 4-3 than win every game 1-0, they told Sam Allardyce. WTF? Do they know how league tables work? The club has been run by morons for almost as long as I can remember, from Freddie Shepherd's lot to the current Mike Ashley regime. They've made a hatful of money out of the sale of Andy Carroll to Liverpool, but how much of that has been used to strengthen the team? Joey Barton, for one, is clearly not impressed. In fact, Barton's Nietzsche and Morrissey quoting Twitter feed may be the most entertaining thing about the club in the coming season. Poor old Alan Pardew. He's not very exciting, and I get the feeling that he generally talks a better game than anything else, but he's on a hiding to nothing here, isn't he? (unless you take the view that, with his career record, he was damn lucky to get this job in the first place...) I seem to be predicting a lot of clubs to decline this season. Well, here's another one.

One to Watch: Joey Barton – whether he plays or not.
Fantasy Pick: Fabricio Colocinni. Great hair.
The gaffer is: on a fool’s errand

15 Wolverhampton Wanderers
LB’s prediction 13th
Last season 17th

I'm biased, of course... there seems to be a prevailing view that Wolves were unlucky last year, and that staying up was no less than we deserved after our gutsy performances against many of the top 6 sides. The alternative view, and one held by Mick McCarthy, I'm sure, is that the league table doesn't lie. We were bottom at Christmas and damn lucky to escape the drop on the last day of the season. It's no good beating Liverpool away if you lose to Wigan at home the very next game. Sure, we've played some decent football at times, but we've also conceded far too many goals. The signing of Roger Johnson, immediately installed as the club captain, was a good one and he should go a long way towards staunching the flow of goals, but I'm not convinced that he's going to be enough on his own. I love big George Elokobi to bits, but is he really a premier league quality defender (although his winner against Utd counts in his favour, obviously). Jamie O'Hara adds a touch of guile to the middle of the park, but have we got the goals? Sylvain Ebanks-Blake has never quite lived up to his promise in the top division, but have we got a 20 goal striker in the side? Doyle and Fletcher have been good for us, but neither is exactly prolific (the snobbery of Arsenal fans when confronted with the rumour that Wenger might be looking to sign Doyle was astonishing and insulting, by the way. I'd have him over Bendtner any day of the week). I expect us to improve this season, but we're like many of the other sides down here: we could finish 10th or we could get relegated. Interesting times. McCarthy is a stone cold legend, though. His press conferences must be worth the trip on their own.

One to Watch: Michael Kightley. Much injured, but at his best he’s a better player than Matt Jarvis. Looked a bit tubby in pre-season, mind (if not as tubby as Sylvain Ebanks-Blake)
Fantasy Pick: Jamie O’Hara will be the lynchpin and will score goals
The gaffer is: loud, honest and funny

16 QPR
LB’s prediction 19th
Last season promoted

Well, this one could really go either way, couldn't it? Warnock has been here before, and he's a decent, experienced manager... but the club environment isn't exactly what you'd call stable, is it? Promoted clubs have done okay over the last few years, in spite of the immediate tendency to put them amongst the favourites for the drop. They were 1st in the Championship last season, at a canter, and you'd expect them to have the financial backing to make a go of it. Really, it's pretty hard to tell though, isn't it? As always, it may depend on how they start. Bolton, Everton, Wigan, Newcastle, Wolves. They could get off to a flyer.... or they could be about to learn just how big the step up in class really is. I remember our first fixture in the Premiership when we got promoted via the playoffs: Charlton at home. It's the kind of game you fancy you might be able to do something, and they put 4 past us. It was the start of a very long season indeed. Much depends upon QPR's first month of the season.

One to Watch: Neil Warnock. He won’t be able to help himself.
Fantasy Pick: Hmm. Adel Taarabt should get goals, assists and bookings
The gaffer is: the new Ian Holloway, who was – of course – the new Neil Warnock

17 Wigan Athletic
LB’s prediction 16th
Last season 16th

Well, Roberto Martinez officially seems to be a hot property as a manager and is likely also entirely secure in his job. Wigan escaped relegation on the last day of the season, but Dave Whelan is so in love with Roberto that he wouldn't have sacked him even if they had gone down. He allowed Aston Villa to approach his manager in the close season, confident the approach would be rebuffed... and it was. The love affair, it seems, is mutual. It's widely expected that Whelan will allow Martinez to leave to go to a bigger club at some point in the near future, but I'm sure the plan will be to do that in an orderly fashion during the close season. The problem is that football doesn't always work like that. Wigan have done brilliantly since coming into the division, in spite of the fact that they are one of those clubs who discover players who they then can't stop from moving on to bigger clubs in the division. Charles N'Zogbia will be a big loss for them, and it remains to be seen if they can keep on unearthing the players who keep them in the division. I predict a struggle, but maybe they're one of those clubs who can all pull together to beat the odds. I can't help but root for them.

One to Watch: Victor Moses – promising young stiker, if he gets his chance
Fantasy Pick: David Jones. Always liked him at wolves.
The gaffer is: unsackable?

18 Blackburn Rovers
LB’s prediction 20th
Last season 15th

With apologies to GJ, who sits next to me at work and is a Blackburn fan, but it looks like it's going to be a long, hard season at Ewood Park this year. A change in ownership, the appointment of Steve Keen as manager and an air of general uncertainty all seemed to contribute to a season that only saw them safe from relegation on the final day of the season (when, to be fair, they raced to an early 3-0 lead against Wolves at Molineux). Venky's, the new owners, have spoken of their belief that Blackburn can finish in the top 4, and have apparently made approaches for the likes of Ronaldinho, Marco Vucinic, van Nistelrooy, Kaka and Robinho, but the likelihood is that Keen will start the season with a cloud over his head and unrealistic expectations in the boardroom. Their start to the season doesn't look too bad (Wolves again, followed by Villa, Everton and Fulham), but I've got a bad feeling about them. With no disrespect to Keen, it feels like a mid-season change of manager waiting to happen, and I can't believe that's going to help them. Phil Jones has gone (to Man Utd) and his partner in the defence, Chris Samba, may well be on his way out of the club too. It doesn't exactly shout consistency, does it? A long season ahead, I'm afraid. I'm not sure Ronaldinho would be all that much help, to be honest. Michel Salgado is a legend though.

One to Watch: David Goodwillie. Can he score goals south of the border? He wasn’t all that good up there, was he?
Fantasy Pick: Hmm. Experienced keeper and good defence, but would you risk it?
The gaffer is: 1st to be sacked

19 Norwich City
LB’s prediction 12th
Last season promoted

I can't see it, can you? I know the Premier League is a goldmine, but this is a club that had to refinance their debt only last season, so spraying the money around in an attempt to stay up simply isn't on the cards for them. Maybe they're looking at the Watford model of management: budget to be in the championship and then take the odd season in the top division as a financial bonus. It's a bit depressing for the fans, but it's perhaps the most sensible approach a small club like this can take. They played good football last year, but where are the goals coming from? Delia will no doubt be loving it, but Norwich may win the award for best away fans and lots of friends this year, but little else. Still 2 promotions in 2 seasons isn't bad going, eh? Paul Lambert looks to be a good manager with a ruthless streak (he's told several of last season's promotion winning squad that they won't be required) and you never know. A good start against Wigan and who knows where they might go. LB clearly rates them... 15th, eh?

One to Watch: Grant Holt. Legend. Unit. Not necessarily in that order.
Fantasy Pick: Russell Martin, if only because he’s called “The Norfolk Cafu”
The gaffer is: doing a great job

20 Swansea City
LB’s prediction 17th
Last season promoted

This season's Blackpool: promoted via the playoffs with a brand of attractive football and virtually everyone's tip for the drop. Still, 9 years ago the club needed to win their last game of the season (at Hull) to avoid dropping out of the football league entirely, so the fact that they're here at all is a pretty amazing story. Manager Brendan Rodgers has some interesting players at his disposal: Leroy Lita, Luke Moore, Craig Beattie, Danny Graham, Joe Allen.... who knows, if they take Blackpool's example and stick to their principles against the big boys, then who knows what they could achieve? Like Blackpool, I have them going down, but LB gives them a chance. Opening game of the season? Man City. Ouch.

One to Watch: Angel Rangel. A rapper’s name if ever I heard one. More realistically, Scott Sinclair scored 23 goals last season and will need to score plenty again this year to give his side a chance.
Fantasy Pick: Wayne Routledge. England U21 and on the fringes of the senior squad, once upon a time. Now 26 he has a lot to prove.
The gaffer is: a club legend already, presumably. Nicknamed "Buck", obviously.

In summary then….

#	My Predictions:	LB's Predictions:
1	Man Utd	Man Utd
2	Man City	Man City
3	Chelsea	Chelsea
4	Arsenal	Arsenal
5	Liverpool	Liverpool
6	Spurs	Spurs
7	Everton	Everton
8	Sunderland	Sunderland
9	Stoke	Stoke
10	Fulham	Fulham
11	Aston Villa	West Brom
12	Bolton Wanderers	Norwich
13	West Brom	Wolves
14	Newcastle	Newcastle
15	Wolves	Bolton
16	QPR	Wigan
17	Wigan	Swansea
18	Blackburn	Aston Villa
19	Norwich	QPR
20	Swansea	Blackburn

Enjoy the season everyone.

What do you reckon will happen?

Glenn Mulcaire for AFC Wimbledon (vs Bromley), 17th July 2002

2011-08-08T20:34:00.000+01:00

Here's a bizarre one: before 'investigative reporter' Glenn Mulcaire decided to find out what was going on in the celebrity world by listening to their voicemail messages, he was a tidy non-league footballer.

The man they call 'Trigger' retains a special place in the hearts of all AFC Wimbledon fans as, astonishingly, he scored the club's first ever goal, against Bromley, back in 2002.

It was an absolute belter too.....

Will Buckley, writing in the Guardian back in 2002, penned these strangely prophetic words: "Trigger - less than a decade from becoming a household name."

Aye, for all the wrong reasons.

[by LB, but posted on his behalf whilst he's on holiday]

Luke Moore for AFC Wimbledon (v Crawley Town), 29 July 2011

2011-08-04T10:15:00.004+01:00

After his nine years with Robbie Jackson and subsequent five years with Sonia, Bianca, Mickey, Vinnie and Gus, I'm sure that many of you, like me, were wondering what became of Eastenders' most famous dog (other than Ethel's little Willie, obviously).

Rumours abound that Bianca killed Wellard by feeding him chocolate, before scattering his ashes on the allotment. However, when I was reading the match report of AFC Wimbledon's Carling Cup match with Crawley Town this week, I was delighted to note that the loveable mutt has found a new home at Kingsmeadow.

He put in quite a shift as Wimbledon's number 8, apparently, before being substituted with 13 minutes to go...

Craig Westcarr for Notts County (v Brighton and Hove Albion), 7 May 2011

2011-08-02T09:57:00.004+01:00

So, as promised, here we are. Your lovely Guardian Guide recommended, occasionally hilarious football blog returns after a period in the wilderness.

You'll be pleased/dismayed that many of our old features will be returning. Our award winning* comedy series At Home With Barry Davies will run from the beginning, there'll be plenty of Players Names That Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary, the continuation of our 101 Great Goals feature and an smattering of wildly inaccurate predictions.

Oh, there may well also be the odd focus on the lesser known European leagues (blame LB, he's the one that thinks the Eredivisie is the best league in the world).

But first, to mark our triumphant return, it's time to tackle the close season's most important piece of news. I don't mean the Women's World Cup, Cesc Fibreglass, the Copa America, Mario Balotelli, Luka Modric or the World Cup draw.

No, we'll start as we mean to go on: with the first piece of silverware of the 2011/12 season. Yes, Notts County's Mr Magpie has won the 2011 Football League Sunflower Sprint.

The County mascot's dreams were realised at Uttoxeter Racecourse after he sprinted past all his fellow Football League mascots to claim victory in the showpiece charity event.

According to the Notts County website, 'his training started last year and saw him lose half of his body weight in an intense training regime consisting of mental exercises and yoga.'

Mr Magpie, said: "I got lucky. But I would have done anything to win."

In second place was Burton Albion's Billy Brewer whilst, in a great race for the East Midlands, Nottingham Forest's Robin Hood was third.

Billy said he felt some competitors had been given an edge because they were allowed to start further down the track on account of their big feet. But he added: "Apart from that, it went well. I ran fast."

(* not actually award winning)

Michael Palma for Termeno (v Dro), 9 June 2011

2011-06-12T11:54:00.004+01:00

The drama of a penalty shootout. Nerves, tension, responsibility as you step up to take the decisive spot kick. Especially when the possibility of promotion to Italy's sixth tier depends on you holding your nerve.

In this clip, the Italian player sinks to his knees as his casually taken penalty hits the crossbar and costs his team the chance of a win. Or does it....?

Dejan Stankovic for Inter Milan (v Schalke 04), 5 April 2011

2011-06-06T16:58:00.004+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer will return in August 2011, in time for the new football season.

In the meantime, here's our choice for the Guardian's European Goal of the Season award. Great technique....

Tuncay Sanli for Stoke City (v Manchester United), 24 October 2010

2010-11-27T23:34:00.003Z

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 6

"Tun-shy-y, hush hush, eye to eye?"

Emmanuel Adebayor for Manchester City (v Birmingham City), 11 April 2010

2010-07-15T13:25:00.002+01:00

From The Daily Telegraph:

"Manchester City have given a trial to the son of one of the former stars of The A-Team, the hit 1980's television show.

Roland Benedict, whose father, Dirk, played Templeton 'Faceman' Peck in the programme, has been training with City's development squad over the past week. Benedict Jr has played for Gillingham's reserve team , and had trials at Southend United, although the prospects of the 20-year-old striker working his way into City's 'A-Team' are remote."

Andres Iniesta for Spain (v Netherlands), 11 July 2010

2010-07-12T18:07:00.001+01:00

From Bill Chilton in today's Fiver.

"I was on a date last night and my companion asked me if I wanted to 'go Dutch' on a restaurant bill. So I raked my studs down her chest, harangued the maître d' and then left in tears...."

Gelson Fernandes for Switzerland (v Spain), 16 June 2010

2010-06-16T16:22:00.002+01:00

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 5

I knew the World Cup would be great for these....

"Did he just say his name was Chavvy? How unfortunate..."

Inca for Sol de America (v Olimpia), 16 May 2010

2010-05-20T11:50:00.001+01:00

There are ways to save your club from relegation...and there are ways to save your club from relegation.

With 10 minutes to go and the scores 1-1, Sol de America badly needed three points to stave off the threat of relegation against title chasing Olimpia. So, up stepped Inca and blasted this astonishing free-kick into the roof of the net...from the centre circle.

Madness.

Bryan Ruiz for FC Twente (v NAC Breda), 2 May 2010

2010-05-03T11:13:00.003+01:00

The Dutch Eredivisie Review on ESPN has become one of the 'must watch' TV programmes in my household on a weekly basis. I don't know quite what it is that endears me to Dutch football ahead of watching, say, the Bundesliga or La Liga, but watching promising players on the way up (and some geniuses on the way down) is somehow more interesting that watching household names at the peak of their powers.

This season has been terrific, and it culminated yesterday in a deserved first ever league triumph for little FC Twente, under the stewardship of Steve McLaren. It's difficult to oversell the job that McLaren has done at Twente, guiding one of the league's smallest sides (their Grolsch Veste stadium holds just 24,000) to the title. Twente were broke as recently as a decade ago, and even last season after their record second place finish they still had to sell their best stars to keep afloat.

Twente's 2-0 win at NAC Breda is their first ever league title and guarantees the club a spot in the Champions League group stage. I suppose a comparison would be St Johnstone winning the SPL title, or perhaps Fulham winning the Premier League.

A word of praise also for Martin Jol's Ajax who ended up just a point behind Twente with an astonishing goal difference of +86. I fully expected PSV to be Dutch champions this season, and so for both sides to eclipse Fred Rutten's side is a great achievement.

Alan Shearer for England (v Switzerland), 8 June 1996

2010-03-12T12:06:00.006Z

Never has the phrase 'cheer up Alan Shearer' been more appropriate.

Small Talk Interview

Clarke Carlisle for Burnley (v Bristol City), 22 September 2007

2010-02-25T16:30:00.003Z

In a week where all we have heard about footballers is how much they enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves to glamour models and how they think nothing of having it away with a teammates girlfriend (thanks, by the way, JT - now we don't have an experienced, fit left back for the World Cup), here's proof that not all Premier League stars are complete fuckwits.

Clarke Carlisle, the Burnley defender, has become the first top flight player to win an edition of Countdown. We at CUAS salute you, Clarke, for reminding everyone that there are one or two footballers out there who do have a brain....

Martin Peters for England (v West Germany), 30 July 1066

2010-02-23T21:59:00.001Z

England are 11/2 to win the World Cup in 2010.

However, they are 6/1 to be runners-up.

I don't understand why the bookies have it so that it's more likely that England will win the World Cup than be runners-up. Why would that be? It's more likely that we win the Final than lose it? Eh?

John Terry for Chelsea (v Burnley), 30 January 2010

2010-02-04T12:23:00.004Z

I don't much care what he's done in his private life, if I am honest.

However, if you are going to use this sort of personal branding - "British sporting hero", "England's football captain" and "Dad of the Year 2008" in an attempt to obtain lucrative commercial endorsement contracts, then I'm pretty sure that means we're entitled to read all about your sordid exploits in the tabloid papers.

Anyway we should replace Terry as captain with someone with more moral fibre. Rio Ferdinand (drugs), Glen Johnson (stealing a bog seat from B&Q), Steven Gerrard (alleged assault), Rooney (shagging grannies), Ashley Cole (alleged allsorts), Frank Lampard (oh, he shagged someone and left his wife, didn't he?), David Beckham (oops), Ashley Young (chatroom nakedness).....

ahem.

Wayne Rooney for Manchester Utd (v Manchester City), 27 January 2009

2010-01-30T15:56:00.004Z

Wayne Rooney on England's recent friendly defeat to Brazil in this month's FourFourTwo magazine:

"We're in exactly the same place we were before Doha. We've qualified well and people should remember that in the friendlies we've played Spain, Germany, Holland, Brazil, four of the top five in the world. France as well."

Hmmm. Let me recall those results.

France 1-0 England
Spain 2-0 England
Holland 2-2 England
Germany 1-2 England
Brazil 1-0 England

Not a *stunning* record, is it, Wayne?

Sol Campbell for Arsenal (v Barcelona), 17 May 2006

2010-01-14T15:49:00.001Z

Look, it writes itself. Nowt to do with me.

Ronaldo for Brazil (v Germany), 30 June 2002

2010-01-12T12:32:00.003Z

There are lots of betting markets and discussions flying about already as to who will play who in the latter stages of the 2010 World Cup.

For example, I was involved in a discussion the other day with someone who was convinced England would lose to Portugal in the quarter finals in South Africa. I was pretty sure I was right, and I checked my schedule to make sure. England can't actually meet Portugal in the quarter finals, irrespective of where the two finish in Group C and Group G respectively.

Similarly, assuming Germany and Spain win their respective groups (they should do) then they can't meet in the World Cup Final. And yet, it's a 22/1 chance that they will be the two finalists when it is 25/1 that Germany will meet Brazil in the Final, which is perfectly plausible based on the draw.

Anyway, the moral is this: do your research.

(my tip, for what it's worth, is Brazil v Italy at 22/1. And, if Brazil or Spain don't win their group, they'll meet as early as the last sixteen. Eeeek.)

Elvis Kafoteka for Malawi (v Algeria), 11 January 2010

2010-01-11T15:36:00.002Z

Malawi v Algeria, African Cup of Nations in numbers

Algeria goals: 0

Malawi wins at the African Cup of Nations before this game: 0

Number of people in the crowd at Angola's National Stadium: approx 30

Number of Algerians who represent Portsmouth: 2

Chances of Algeria beating England at World Cup 2010 on this performance: 0

Amount of money I lost from Algeria failing to turn up and being soundly beaten by a hopeless Malawi team who have never won a match in this competition before and despite having one of those comedy African goalkeepers who doesn't look like he has ever played football before: £5

Marco Materazzi for Italy (v France), 9 July 2006

2010-01-06T16:32:00.003Z

Help!

As part of my actual job these days, I have to come up with literally dozens of ideas of articles I can write about the 2010 World Cup.

Not for June, but to write them now.

Examples:

Why Spain Won't Win The World Cup
Will There Be A South American Winner?
Top England Goalscorer
England Stage of Elimination

and so on, and so on. The more ideas I come up with, the more articles I can write and the more I will be paid.

I'd really appreciate any ideas that anyone has - editorial or otherwise - on as limited or wide a topic as possible. Bear in mind that the list on my desk now includes things like 'Australia's Top World Cup Goalscorer' and you can see how desperate I am.

Thanks, my lovely CUAS reader(s).

Dalibor Stevanovič for Vitesse (v AZ Alkmaar), 6 December 2009

2009-12-06T21:06:00.002Z

Those of you who have read CUAS for a long while will know of my amusement at the continued managerial failures of ex-Holland international Ronald Koeman.

Today, entirely unsurprisingly, Koeman has been sacked by Dutch champions AZ Alkmaar after just sixteen matches of the 2009/10 season. Their 2-1 home defeat to Vitesse was the final straw and Koeman leaves the champions sixteen points behind league leaders FC Twente (eleven straight league wins for Steve McLaren's side, by the way).

After his disastrous spell at Valencia and a less than brilliant previous career surely no-one will employ him now. Will they?

(this is my third "Koeman is s**t" post, by the way. I fear there will be more....)

David Beckham for Los Angeles Galaxy (v Toronto FC), 20 September 2009

2009-12-05T18:59:00.002Z

During the run-up to the World Cup draw yesterday, Mark Lawrenson was talking about what David Beckham brings to the England team. He was babbling on about his confidence and coolness in TV interviews.

"These days", said the pundit, "what happens off-field at the World Cup is important as what happens on it."

That's not *strictly* true, is it, Lawro?

Robbie Keane for Republic of Ireland (v France), 18 November 2009

2009-12-03T12:07:00.001Z

True story.

At the rehearsal for the World Cup draw yesterday, Charlize Theron pulled out the ball for "France" and said "Ireland".

Heh heh heh.

William Gallas for France (v Republic of Ireland), 18 November 2009

2009-11-19T15:38:00.002Z

Hmmm. Having looked at it a few times, it really was quite horribly blatant, wasn't it?

Bixente Lizarazu for France (v Saudi Arabia), 19 June 1998

2009-11-13T11:10:00.005Z

Bixente Lizarazu. 97 Caps for France, one World Cup winners medal, one European Championships medal, one Champions League winners medal and six Bundesliga titles.

Did you know that he is also the current European jiu-jitsu champion in the under 76kg category for blue belts aged 35-40?

Dimitar Berbatov for Manchester Utd (vs Blackburn Rovers), 31st October 2009

2009-11-05T21:47:00.004Z

[this is a cross-post from here, but it's making me really angry and it seems relevant to include it here too....apologies]

---
There's a bit in Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" where Captain Black runs something he calls the "Glorious Loyalty Oath Campaign", where everyone in the squadron finds themselves forced to sign oaths pledging their loyalty in order to get absolutely anything or everything:

"Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that "The Star-Spangled Banner," one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again"

Of course, anyone refusing to sign one of these oaths is immediately branded as somehow being disloyal to their country, to their flag and to their cause:

"Without realizing how it had come about, the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other. When they voiced objection, Captain Black replied that people who were loyal would not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they had to. To anyone who questioned the effectiveness of the loyalty oaths, he replied that people who really did owe allegiance to their country would be proud to pledge it as often as he forced them to."

Captain Black's rival, Major Major, is actively prevented from signing any of these oaths, even if he wanted to:

"What makes you so sure Major Major is a Communist?"

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you? And you don't see him signing any of our loyalty oaths."

"You aren't letting him sign any."

"Of course not," Captain Black explained. "That would defeat the whole purpose of our crusade".

Thus does Joseph Heller neatly skewer empty patriotism.

I was reminded of this when reading about the Daily Mail's latest campaign to try and get every Premier League football club to display a poppy on their matchday shirts during November.

As a result of their bullying, there are now only three of the twenty clubs holding out: Liverpool, Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers. As a spokesman for Manchester Utd not unreasonably said:

"We don’t think it’s particularly necessary. We sell poppies around the ground and all our officials wear them and we work with Armed Forces charities in a lot of other ways throughout the year."

Not good enough, apparently, and the Mail is continuing to try to bully them into changing their minds. Obviously, their readers are full of considered opinions on the subject. Here's lazzruss:

"Yes Yes Yes!!! It is beyond my capacity to put into words how this 'government' has ruined our once Great Britain by sytematically [sic] attacking our spiritual and historical heritage and culture and we have had enough! Banning poppies is the final insult to our nation as this shows a complete disregard and contempt for our Glorious Dead who gave everything including their very lives for the sake of the future of our Nation and every football team owes them their success and privileges - to display a simple poppy proudly on their shirts should be a moral imperative for anyone who loves our Country and what we (not the inept and shameful Labour Government) stand for."

Let's leave aside the fact that the majority of the players in the Premier League aren't even English, eh? Why let that get in the way of a good rant about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?

Um, perhaps it's a statement of the obvious, but if you try to force people to wear a poppy, aren't you restricting our freedom to choose not to wear one? Isn't that the same freedom that "our Glorious Dead' fought for? Like it or not, that's the same freedom that allows a student to get so paralytically drunk that he urinated on a war memorial in Sheffield. Not very nice, for sure, but surely more a story about binge drinking than it is about any calculated disrespect for the dead, whatever the Daily Mail try to make of the story (flogging too good for him, naturally).

This "Poppy fascism" seems to be everywhere at the moment. Apparently the BBC are under pressure because the dancers on "Strictly..." weren't wearing poppies last week. All of the judges were, but none of the dancers. Not good enough, apparently, as everyone on the X-Factor was wearing one.... The BBC initially (and not very bravely) hid behind "Health & Safety issues" as the reason why the dancers weren't wearing poppies, but have now apparently changed their minds in the face of all this public outrage.

Where does this oneupmanship and assumed moral authority stop? Why are we only displaying our poppies for a couple of weeks of November? Does that mean we're being disrespectful and unpatriotic for the other 50 weeks of the year? Should we all be dyeing our hair red and tattooing poppies onto our cheeks so we can be displaying our gratitude and support for the sacrifices made on our behalf every single day of the year?

Of course, you can trust the good old Guardian for an alternative view, and Marina Hyde today has a good rant about this "phony poppy apoplexy":

"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle. Then accept the fact that media campaigns to foreground the poppies that are not being worn, as opposed to the ones that are, serve not as a memorial to the sacrifices made on our behalf, but as a reminder of our hard-wired one‑upmanship and infinite capacity to find ways to divide ourselves."

The commentators are even more strident:

"Forced wearing of the poppy to commemorate a fight against tyranny? Britain seems to get sillier and sillier, and more and more irrelevant every week."

One takes the trouble to remind everyone of the Daily Mail's support of the Nazis in the 1930s, when they praised Oswald Mosley ("Hurrah for the Blackshirts") for his "sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine", and the proprietor of the paper, the Viscount Rothermere, visited and corresponded with Hitler, culminating, on 1 October 1938, when Rothermere sent Hitler a telegram in support of Germany's invasion of the Sudetenland, and expressing the hope that 'Adolf the Great' would become a popular figure in Britain.

They don't talk about that so much, do they? Why am I now uncomfortably reminded of people being forced to wear pink triangles and yellow stars?

It seems that the spirit of Captain Black is alive and well and still busily hunting out people who won't sign his loyalty oaths.

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you?"

Is that the Daily Mail's motto?

John Goossens for NEC Nijmegen (v ADO Den Haag), 17 October 2009

2009-10-26T15:35:00.002Z

101 Great Goals #34 - John Goossens

It's not very often that my adopted Dutch club, NEC Nijmegen, appear above the radar. They are the very definition of 'mid table mediocrity' - sitting in the middle of the Eredivisie every single year, doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.

To include a goal that earned them a 1-1 home draw against ADO Den Haag also sounds like the dullest thing in the world, but this particular piece of brilliance from ex-Ajax kid John Goossens deserves to shine a light on the club...if only very briefly.

Cesar Delgado for Lyon (v Liverpool), 20 October 2009

2009-10-21T18:55:00.002+01:00

I can't believe the reaction to Rubin Kazan beating Barcelona in the Champions League. Rubin are the strongest side in a very tough and high quality Russian league and, as Zenit have shown in recent seasons, Russian club sides should be a force to be reckoned with in European football.

It's not as if the team that finished third in the weak French league went to a multiple European champions and won, is it?

Eh?

Oh.

Darren Bent for Sunderland (v Liverpool), 17 October 2009

2009-10-20T14:47:00.004+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

1. Goooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllll

It would be fair to say that Kelvin Koogan's 'love it!' rant on Sky was our nailed on Number One clip when we sat down to formulate this list. That was, however, until I was sent this cfootage.

It's impossible for me to add any insightful commentary or analysis to this clip. It is just one of those glorious, perfectly bizarre things that happens on a football pitch sometimes.

We hope you've enjoyed our countdown as much as we enjoyed compiling it, and we'll leave you with a goal of the most sparkling quality....from the most unlikely of sources.

Keith Gillespie for Newcastle United (v Leeds United), 29 April 1996

2009-10-12T21:30:00.003+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

2. "You Can Tell Him Now - He'll Be Watching It....."

I doubt there's anyone outside the Newcastle United community who would deny that this now infamous television interview deserves its place in the annals of TV footballing folklore. It's football at its rawest - the very public display of a man fraying at the seams under the most intense pressure.

Lest we forget, the story goes back to the title run-in in 1996 when Sir Alex Ferguson accused Leeds United of 'helping' Newcastle to the title by not trying during their league game. Ferguson believed that teams tried harder against his United side than they did against Keegan's Geordies.

When interviewed for Monday Night Football directly after a 1-0 victory at Elland Road, Keegan seemed desperate to control his emotions before instead melting down in one of the most celebrated moments of the Premiership age. When Richard Keys asked if Ferguson's comments were 'part and parcel of the psychological battle' his response was, well - you know what his response was, right?

Oh, and Newcastle drew their next two matches and Manchester United won the title. If you needed reminding....

Jairzinho for Brazil (v Zaire), 22 June 1974

2009-10-07T16:43:00.004+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

3. Ilunga Mwepu

No disrespect to the intelligent, knowledgeable CUAS readership here, but I bet there's hardly any of you who know who Ilunga Mwepu is.

In the 1970s he played his club football for TP Mazembe and he now lives in Malta, where he is an assistant coach in the Adelaide Cini Championship with Girgenti Athletic.

Still no idea?

Right. Well, the clip we've chosen was selected at #17 in a Channel Four poll of the "All Time Best World Cup Moments" (quite how it was so lowly when it's our favourite World Cup moment, I am not sure).

If I were to say that he played right-back for Zaire in the 1974 World Cup, would that make things clearer?

Yes, he's that fella.

Brazil were awarded a free-kick about thirty yards from goal in their 1974 World Cup group match. Having ordered the defensive wall, the referee blew the whistle so the Brazilians could take the kick, but on hearing the whistle Ilunga came steaming out of the wall and lashed the ball down the other end of the field. To say it was a rather basic ignorance of the law would be an understatement, and his bemusement at receiving a yellow card only underlined how little he must have known about the rules.

Brazil went on to win the match 3-0, but Ilunga's genius will live forever.

I *love* this clip.

Ashley Cole for Chelsea (v Tottenham Hotspur), 20 September 2009

2009-09-29T17:05:00.002+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

4. All The Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

John Motson is 64, you know. If you'd ask me, mind, I'd have said that due to his increasingly inconsistent commentary he was nearer 75. We love a bit of Motty, but he's been gradually losing the plot as he has aged, and his increasingly hyperbolic commentary has led me to race into my living room at many a time only for someone to have won a boring corner.

Still, the man is a living football legend and my favourite piece of commentary from the overcoat-wearing loon happened a mere couple of weeks ago in the Chelsea v Spurs Premier League clash.

You have to fast forward this clip to 1 min 22 seconds in, and apologies for the Match of the Day 2 chortling in the background. Chiles may have it right, though - I do think Motty got his tackle caught in his Y-fronts as Aaron Lennon is bearing down on the Chelsea goal, here.

This has not yet failed to make me laugh out loud, this clip. God love you, Motty.

Chris Brass for Darlington (v Bury), 22 April 2006

2009-09-24T20:28:00.002+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

6. Broken Nose

The football video industry has been a rich source of income over the years as "celebrities" from Nick Hancock to Gary Lineker host their stocking-filleresque "Football Gaffe" DVDs. These variations on a theme generally feature utterly hilarious moments of people standing on the ball and scoring own goals. And the odd fight from a South American league match.

Hilarious. £15.99 to you, guv.

However, we at CUAS had to include this clip in our top Ten list as it never, ever fails to make me smile whenever I see it. Chris Brass, Bury FC's assistant manager, don't you know, attempts an overhead clearance against Darlington and breaks his own nose as he spectacularly fails to clear his defences. The fact the ball ends up in the back of his own net is a priceless bonus to what is already a brilliant clip.

Chris, we salute you. We're not laughing at you - as hapless amateur footballers ourselves, we're laughing with you.

Jeremie Aliadiere for Middlesbrough (v Sheffield Wednesday), 15 September 2009

2009-09-20T20:52:00.000+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

6. "They've Never Heard Chris Rea."

I can almost see the pitch at Sky Sports HQ now.

"Yes, I know we haven't got any live football that we can show on Saturday afternoon. But, what we can do is ask four ex-professional footballers to watch the games for us, and explain to us what's happening. Yes, someone like Charlie Nicholas. Well, I appreciate that it's a bit like you reading a classic work of literature and giving me one sentence per chapter about what's going on, but I think it can work. Jeff Stelling. Yeah, you know who I mean. Off of the darts. And a videprinter with all the latest scores...."

Oddly, it works. And it has made Soccer Saturday a sporting institution in this country, and a star of its charismatic host, Jeff Stelling. There are numerous Stelling clips we could have chosen, but this particular homage to the fine Teeside city of Middlesbrough is possibly his finest hour, if just for the part of his defence of the city that "Journey South come from there...."

Lee Sharpe for England (v Germany), 3 May 2006

2009-09-17T12:13:00.000+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Footballing Moments

7. "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."

Rewind to May 2006 and a balmy night at the Madjeski Stadium. Two teams of ex-footballers, celebrities and other stars had turned out for a light-hearted charity match to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund bowel cancer charity and the Red Cross. Celebrities including Richard Ashcroft, Alec Stewart, Nigel Benn and Sean Bean all represented England in an entertaining 4-2 win for Germany.

The highlight of the evening for everyone (bar ex-German star Maurizio Gardino) was a ten minute cameo for London mayor Boris Johnson who took his position on the left side of midfield. His one and only contribution to the game was one of the most hilariously crude challenges the footballing world has ever seen. In a move that makes Harald Schumacher look 'a bit milky' England's number 10 utterly cleans out the German midfielder leading to some calming words from Ray Wilkins (who never tackled anyone, of course) and some reaction from the German bench.

Defending his, er, 'tackle', Bozza said, "I'm a rugby player really and I knew I was going to get to him and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice in my actions. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."

Brilliant.

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Shane Cansdell-Sheriff for Macclesfield Town (v Shrewsbury Town), 1 March 2009

2009-09-14T10:23:00.002+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

8. "A Match Already Being Described As 'On This Sunday'"

It would be fair to say that Sky Sports are prone to a little bit of over-enthusiasm about their range of live football. Their 'Grand Slam Sunday' was my particular favourite, considering football doesn't have a 'grand slam' and that whoever triumphed in such an event would have to presumably win four matches in different parts of the world at different times of the year.

Anyway, this hyperbole didn't escape the comic genius of Robert Webb and David Mitchell whose Sky Sports parody is not only funny but also alarmingly closely echoes the satellite broadcaster's output.

Blaise N'Kufo for FC Twente (v RKC Waalwijk), 23 August 2009

2009-09-12T12:37:00.000+01:00

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 Football Moments

9. Schteeeeeeve McLaren talks jibberish

No-one really blamed Steve McLaren for moving abroad after the wally-brolly failure of England to qualify for Euro 2008. In a path trodden by his one of his predecessors, Bobby Robson, the ex-England boss ran to the relative safety of the Eredivisie after his international experiences to take charge of little known FC Twente.

He didn't half pick up the lingo quickly, mind. Or, some would say, "not at all". My dad, when he lived in Spain, believed that all he had to do to get himself understood was to add an 'a' to the end of every English word. Schteeeeeve's language coach when he moved to the Netherlands appears to have been the Swedish Chef as this amazingly odd lilting Dutch pisstake shows.

"We're not what you call "underdogs", he says. Now then. No, Schteeve, you're what we call 'underdogs', surely. The Dutch presumably call it something else. In Dutch, perhaps.

Robbie Fowler for Manchester City (v Norwich City), 28 February 2005

2009-09-09T17:27:00.004+01:00

Right, it's time to start making this place fun and interesting again *cough*. So, without further ado, a brand new CUAS series....

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

10. Delia Has Too Many Gins

Ah, Delia Smith. She's the UK's best selling cookery author, you know, having shifted a whopping eighteen million units. Talking of eighteen million units, that was also her vodka intake before the half-time break in a home match against Manchester City in 2005.

Somewhat the worse for a few shandies, the Canaries chairman decided to rouse the home support in a rather un-Delia-esque way. She grabbed the microphone from the club announcer and began pleading with the Carrow Road faithful to show a bit of support for their team....

The resulting footage is absolutely brilliant, and also gave rise to one of the best away chants I have heard in recent years. When the Chelsea faithful arrived later that same season they compared their respective chairmen thus:

"We've got Abramovich, you've got a drunken bitch...."

Genius.

It hasn't stopped the posh cook getting an OBE and a CBE though. Heigh-ho. Anyway, enjoy. I particularly like the bit when her drunken stupor makes her pronounce football in a rather Germanic way....

Robert Earnshaw for Nottingham Forest (vs Southampton), 3rd May 2009

2009-09-01T07:47:00.001+01:00

Robert Earnshaw: in need of a trim, if not a new car

When it comes to haircuts, nature has long since ensured that I need opt for nothing more expensive than a trip to the local barber for a simple buzz job. A trip to Tony & Guy would be not only a needless extravagance, but also a complete waste of time. No, for my "number 1 all over", I merely have to pop round the corner to a barber on the Melton Road for a no-nonsense clipper job that costs me the princely sum of £4.

I'm not usually one for gossiping with my hairdresser - I'm hardly in there long enough - but this Friday, in the course of a conversation about Brian Clough, "The Damned Utd" and Nottingham Forest in general, my "stylist" told me the following anecdote:

Apparently, earlier that day, a young lad had come into the shop for a haircut. Upon being asked what he did, this young lad said that he was student at Nottingham Trent University. Oh yes, when do you start back for the new term then? Not until the middle of October, he replied. The barber said he thought that this was a bit late for term to be starting, but he didn't think anything more of it, finished the haircut and charged the young man £3.60 for a standard haircut minus the 10% student discount. The young man paid up, walked out of the shop and climbed straight into a brand spanking new, top-of-the-line Range Rover and drove off.

"You do know who that was, don't you?" Asked the barber's colleague.
"No?"
"Robert Earnshaw"

Now, my immediate reaction upon hearing this story was to marvel at the fact that an international footballer was down to earth enough to have a £4 haircut. This was pretty quickly overtaken by a feeling of astonishment that a footballer, the subject of several multi-million pound transfer deals and the likely recipient of a salary in excess of £10,000 per week had saved himself 40p on a haircut by pretending to be a student. If he's on £10k a week, that's about 15 seconds work.

"And what's more, he didn't leave a tip either" marvelled my barber, ruefully. "Next time he comes in, I'm charging him £70 and telling him there's been a price rise".

What's the world coming to, eh?

I can take a hint though, so I paid for my haircut with a fiver and told him to keep the change.

Michael Owen for Manchester Utd (v Wigan Athletic), 22 August 2009

2009-08-27T13:50:00.003+01:00

The 2009/20 Cheer Up Alan Shearer Predictions League

Hello all.... it is back. Stick a finger in the air and generate random numbers until summer 2010!

This year's CUAS predictions will generally be run on a monthly basis (so as to be as inclusive as possible) with the top three each month scoring one, two or three points towards the running season-long total.

Each week's predictions score the same as ever - three points for the correct score and one for the correct outcome. We'll use a 6/5/4/3/2/1 scoring system every week for the top six best scores.

Clear? Good. Here we go, then.

Blackburn 2-1 West Ham
Bolton 0-2 Liverpool
Chelsea 2-0 Burnley
Man Utd 1-2 Arsenal
Stoke 1-0 Sunderland
Tottenham 3-1 Birmingham
Wolverhampton 1-0 Hull
Aston Villa 2-0 Fulham
Everton 2-0 Wigan
Portsmouth 1-1 Man City

and wildcards from the opening week in La Liga:

Real Madrid 2-1 Deportivo La Coruna
Valencia 2-1 Sevilla
Barcelona 3-0 Sporting Gijon

Joleon Lescott for Everton (vs Liverpool), 25 January 2009

2009-08-24T17:44:00.007+01:00

After one of the more acrimonious transfer sagas of the year, it finally looks as though Everton centre-half, Joleon Lescott is going to be allowed to move to Manchester City for something like £22m.

I'm not an oil-rich billionaire, it's true, but £24m for a 27 year old defender seems like an awful lot of money to me.

Yes, Ronaldo might have gone for €94m and Kaka for €68m, but they're not exactly your archetypal, common or garden clogger, are they? This is a market where Arsenal signed Thomas Vermaelen for £10m, Birmingham signed Roger Johnson from Cardiff for £5m, Chelsea signed Yuri Zhirkov for £18m, and even Liverpool only paid a mere £18m when they signed Glenn Johnson from Portsmouth. Manchester City themselves signed Kolo Toure for a bargain £16m. In the context of those transfers, £24m is surely an exorbitant price for any defender bar one of the very highest quality. Is he worth £8m more than the 28-year old Toure? I don't think so.

Which brings us to Joleon Lescott. I'm a Wolves fan, so I'm well aware of what a decent player he is. Lescott made his debut for Wolves in August 2000 at the age of 17 years old, and he played a total of 212 games for us before his move up to the Premier League. Sadly, he was injured throughout our last sojourn in the Premier League, but he was one of those players who gave the club such excellent service that you don't begrudge them their move when the time comes. Besides, with an immediate payment of £2 million, followed by a further £2 million paid in installments and a final £1 million contingent on appearances, it's hard to say that we didn't get a good deal.

So has Lescott gone from being a £5m player to a £24m player in the space of barely three years? Alright, he's accumulated 7 England caps, but he remains well back in the queue for his position behind the likes of John Terry, Rio Ferdinand , Matthew Upson and even his Everton Clubmate, Phil Jagielka. There are other, younger, English defenders around too: Gary Cahill, the Bolton Wanderers centre-half is only 23 years old and has already been called up by Fabio Capello into the England squad this year as cover for Ferdinand. Looking back at the Wolves squad, what of Michael Mancienne, a 21 year old who has also caught Capello's eye in the same position? Chelsea are unlikely to want to sell, but it shows that there is other, younger talent around.... none of it much further than Lescott from the England side.

Yup, when you add it all together, £24m sounds like an awful lot of money to pay for a player like Joleon Lescott. It's an awful lot to pay for a defender full-stop, isn't it? Yes, it's true that Rio Ferdinand cost £30m back in 2002, but he was 24 years old then and had already been an England International for 5 years; I don't think anyone is seriously suggesting that Lescott - who was only capped by England after his move to Everton - has that kind of potential. Are they?

I know Manchester City have got a lot of money, but does this transfer make sense on any level?

Still, as a Wolves fan, what should I care? Learning from the mistakes we made with Robbie Keane, Lescott had a 15% sell on clause as part of the deal that saw him move from Wolves to Everton. This is a nice piece of business that could see Wolves net something like £3.5m from his move to Manchester City. Not to be sniffed at.

We might be able to buy a new centre-half with that.

Not bad.

Robbie Blake for Burnley (v Manchester United), 19 August 2009

2009-08-21T09:30:00.001+01:00

The Predictions League will be up and running NEXT weekend.

We're just trying to come up with a format by which you aren't penalised for the whole season if you miss a week or two. Something to do with running the points on a monthly basis and resetting them every month, or something. Allows newbies and others to drop in and out, innit.

Ahem.

Man United for the title, anyone? *eek*

Cody McDonald for Norwich (vs Colchester), 8 August 2009

2009-08-14T23:51:00.001+01:00

...um. Shall we start this year's predictions league next week then?

Yeah. Let's do that.

*ahem*

Wade Elliot for Burnley (vs Sheffield United), 25 May 2009

2009-08-12T18:01:00.002+01:00

Let's get this annual shambles out of the way then.

ST's CUAS Predictions for the 2009/10 Premier League Season

1. Liverpool

I can't believe I've done this. Do I really think that Liverpool are going to finally win the title this year? Maybe I do. Before last year, it looked as though Rafa's priorities lay elsewhere, but they came desperately close last season and Fernando Torres proved what a wonderful player he is. If Gerrard and Benitez spend more time on the pitch this year than they did last year, then perhaps this isn't such a ridiculous prediction. Their first XI is arguably the strongest in the league already - they just need to back up their excellent results against the best teams in the division by making sure that they don't continue to drop points against the weakest. It's those unglamorously ground out wins at places like the Britannia Stadium that won the title for United last season, and Liverpool are going to need to knuckle down and do the same if they're to have a chance this year.

One to Watch: Glenn Johnson. I'm not convinced he's that good a defender or that he's worth £18m, but he's gormless and has a propensity to sport some ludicrous haircuts

Fantasy League Pick: The defence will be solid, no doubt, but if they stay fit, then Torres and Gerrard will take some beating.

If they were a drink, they'd be......A cellared red wine. If kept under the right conditions, then there's no finer drink. All too often prone to sediment, corking and sourness. At it's best, pretty much untouchable.

2. Chelsea

Last year was a transitional time for Chelsea, as has every season since Mourinho last won them the title in 2006. Guus Hiddink brought some much needed stability, but he's gone now, and it remains to be seen if Carlo Ancelotti has got what it takes to make it in England. He's got track record though, both as a player and as a manager at AC Milan, and Chelsea could prosper under a regime that introduces some of the Italian side's muscular football into the Premier League. It shouldn't be too much of a stretch for Chelsea, and players like Terry, Essien, Ballack, Lampard and Drogba should take to that like ducks to water. Expect a tighter defence this year too. I expect them to finish above Manchester United this year, and if the new manager settles down quickly, then they could have a good shout at the title. The owner, I think, would prefer to see his team prosper in Europe....

One to Watch: Ancelotti. Has the pedigree to do a great job, but the Special One has proven a tough act to follow.

Fantasy League Pick: Another solid defence - especially with an Italian manager - but Anelka could be in for a great season if he's played alongside Drogba instead of hidden on a wing.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Kalashnikov vodka (the one that comes in a bottle shaped like an AK-47 machine gun). Showy, expensive, graspingly aspirational and not actually very nice at all.

3. Manchester Utd

This could go either way: on the one hand, the departure of Christino Ronaldo to Spain could leave an unfillable hole at the heart of Utd team. On the other hand, the gap left by the preening portuguese could just set free other attacking players like Rooney and Berbatov. Wayne Rooney in particular could benefit from not being someone else's water-carrier and spending more of his time facing goal than covering his left-back. The defence should be sound again, but they start the season without Van de Saar, Vidic and Gary Neville and with Rio Ferdinand carrying a persistent back injury. I wouldn't be surprised if they ship more goals this year, and that may lead to more dropped points. The fire is still burning brightly for Sir Alex Ferguson, but notables like Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs are reaching the end of the line, and it still remains to be seen if the likes of Anderson, Nani and Park Ji-Sung are any more than adequate replacements. Interesting times at Old Trafford, although it will be interesting to see how Michael Owen shapes up. On the one hand it was a shock signing, but on the other hand no one seems to be much surprised that he's lining up with Rooney and not with the likes of Kevin Davies at Bolton or Jason Scotland at Wigan. Are there still goals in his boots? Time will tell.

One to Watch: Antonio Valencia. It will be interesting to see how an orthodox winger gets on at United this year. If it works, then Rooney, Berbatov and Owen should prosper.

Fantasy League Pick: Still has to be a defender. My picks would be Vidic (when fit) or Evra. Owen will be interesting to watch, if he gets enough game time.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Lagavulin. A very fine scotch malt whisky. Salty, peaty and almost medicinal. Classy and Very, very effective but not to everyone's taste. Very popular in Asia. Liable to give you a beetroot red face, if you drink enough of it.

4. Arsenal

I don't know: Arsenal keep selling their best players and Wenger seems to keep on refusing to splash out the cash on replacements. Adebayor and Toure have both left for Manchester City and does Wenger really think that Robin van Persie and William Gallas are going to be able to cover for their absence? I'm not sure, but of all the managers in the Premier League bar none, Wenger is the one that I would be most likely to put my faith in. He's stubbornly welded to his belief in trusting to youth and to playing with style, and I'm not ready to write Arsenal out of the top 4 just yet. Theo Walcott is still one of the most exciting young talents in England, with Jack Wilshere coming up hard on his heels. Watch out too for Andre Arshavin to make a real impression on the league this season. Top 4 again. Just.

One to Watch: Wenger. I can't shake the feeling that he's going to do a Keegan at some point and walk out of the club that has been his life for the last ten years. Jack Wilshere should also play this year, and he's touted as the most exciting young talent in English football since Wayne Rooney....

Fantasy League Pick: Arshavin. If he's fit, he can be devastating.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Krug champagne. Classy, French and expensive: a drink to be admired and to fit to be savoured by the real connoisseur. Sadly most often purchased by the vulgar and sprayed around wastefully.

5. Manchester City

Can money really buy you happiness? Jack Walker has long since proved that you can buy your way to the Premier League title, but is it simply too soon for Manchester City? Is Mark Hughes really the man to take his team to the very top? Their motives for signing for a club that isn't in the Champions League seem questionable, but you can't argue with the quality of the likes of Gareth Barry, Kolo Toure, Emmanuel Adebayor, Shay Given, Roque Santa Cruz, Carlos Tevez and Robinho. My gut feeling is that it's too soon for them to make the big breakthrough this season, especially given City's genetic predisposition for disaster. You never know though. With those players, they should challenge the very best. What they really need is stability though. If the owners have decided that Mark Hughes is the man, then they need to stick with him all season. Changing now (or after a handful of games) is unlikely to achieve anything but introduce uncertainty. Whatever else it is, it should be interesting. Let's see if Carlos Tevez can score the winner at Old Trafford. That should put the cat amongst the pigeons....

One to Watch: Sheikh Mansour. How long has Mark Hughes really got, do you think?

Fantasy League Pick: Hmm. Tough one this. Surely not any defenders and which of the strikers is going to play on a regular basis? Adebayor will get goals, but I'd be tempted to plump for someone like Gareth Barry or Stephen Ireland.

If they were a drink, they'd be......a colourful cocktail with an umbrella in it. Flash, expensive with the whole somehow tasting less impressive than its constituent ingredients. Entirely naff.

6. Aston Villa

It must be a little frustrating for Martin O'Neill. On the one hand, his project at Aston Villa has been coming along nicely, and he's been improving the team steadily now for a few years. On the other hand though, that final step into the top 4 has proved elusive, and now they have started leaking key players (Barry) to clubs that are looking to come past them (City). They were fantastic for much of last season, but they stalled in the last few months and finished 6th for the second season running. It feels to me that it is more likely that they will be overtaken by clubs behind them than they will catch the clubs ahead of them. Still, if they get it right, they should be a handful for almost anyone

One to Watch: Stewart Downing. He's been angling for a move to a "Big Club" for a couple of years now, and he's ended up here. Is he going to be competing with Ashley Young for a position on the wing, or has Martin O'Neill got a Gareth Barry-like role in mind for him. Either way, we should get a chance to see if he's actually any good this year.

Fantasy League Pick: Ashley Young. He dried up after Christmas last season, but before that he was an absolute steal.

If they were a drink, they'd be......A Vodka Red Bull. Chippy, pushy and hyperactive - very much like Martin O'Neill and most of his younger players. Not likely to be drunk in high society.

7. Everton

David Moyes has been quietly demonstrating that he's one of the best manager's in the league for some time now. Everton don't have the kind of money to compete with some of their rivals, but they seem to consistently punch above their weight, albeit without really threatening the top four. It looks as though Jolean Lescott will (reluctantly) be staying, and they should be solid at the back again this season with the likes of Yakubu, Jo, Cahill and Saha providing a not inconsiderable goal threat. Another club threatened by a likely surge from Manchester City. Everton should remain comfortably about the mediocrity of the bottom half of the table, but they aren't likely to push much further upwards.

One to Watch: Lescott. Will he keep his cool now that his transfer request has been rejected

Fantasy League Pick: After a shaky start, it was the defence that proved the stars last year with clean sheets galore. Jagielka looked especially good and will be hoping for more international chances. Cahill is always good (when fit, which is increasingly rare these days), but I'll probably be going for the muscular, goalscoring genius of Fellaini. Great hair too.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Sherry. Tipple favoured by old ladies but all too often in the shadow of other, more fashionable aperitifs.

8. Fulham

After Tony Pulis, was Roy Hodgson the best manager in the Premier League last season? In 2007/8, Fulham barely escaped relegation after the mess Laurie Sancez had made, but less than 12 months later and they were basking in a Euro Vase finish. Hodgson will be doing well if he can manage to achieve as much again this season, and he may need to fight hard to hang onto key players like Hangeland, who Arsenal are reportedly sniffing around... but he seems to be doing well in moulding a group of individually unspectacular players into a cohesive and effective team. More power to him, I say.

One to Watch: Roy Hodgson. He's so undemonstrative it can be hard to tell, but Roy Hodgson must be doing something very right at Craven Cottage. A quality manager.

Fantasy League Pick: Danny Murphy. He's a quality player having a renewed lease of life at the tail end of his career. Likely to be at the hub of everything. Andy Johnson is likely to be good for goals again too.

If they were a drink, they'd be...... Pear Cider. An old favourite on the rise again after some years in the doldrums. Could turn out to be Babycham.

9. Tottenham Hotspur

Well, that was a real curate's egg of a season, wasn't it? Good in parts. It's never dull with Harry Redknapp, is it? There are always players coming and going (or coming and going and then coming back, in the case of Jermaine Defoe) and he's not exactly one to keep his own counsel. The defence might be a little suspect, with Dawson still inconsistent and Ledley King on his last legs, but they've got a mighty array of attacking talent in front of them, with the likes of Defoe, Keane, Modric, Crouch, Pavlyuchenko, Lennon, Bentley, Jenas. Dangerous, I would say, but likely to be inconsistent. Has Harry Redknapp ever produced a team with the consistency to really challenge in the league? Is he a sophisticated enough manager? Is he really the man to take this Spurs team forwards? I'm not sure. They should be safe, but I don't expect any kind of a serious challenge on the top 6.

One to Watch: Tom Huddlestone. Is he really a future international midfielder, or is he just a fat lump?

Fantasy League Pick: Robbie Keane. He didn't have the best of times at Liverpool, to say the least, but playing for Spurs really seems to bring the best out of him.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Sol. Expensive and once bafflingly fashionable and aspirational. Still hanging around, but does anyone really drink it anymore? Bottle tops can optionally be kept to be worn on your shoelaces....

10. West Ham

Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clark did a fantastic job last year in the most unpromising of circumstances. Money is scarce at Upton Park, but the pair of them managed to mould a team that played attacking, passing football and who clambered almost unnoticed up the Premier League table. Can they do the same again? Well, it will be difficult, with teams like Fulham, Spurs and Everton all looking to do the same thing, but they should be clear of the mediocrity below them. Can they improve on last term's finish? Hmmm. Doubtful. I think we're about to get a chance to see how good a manager Zola really is. Lovely fella, for sure, but does he have that ruthless edge? Will he have the funds to compete?

One to Watch: Gianfranco Zola. Hands up who thought he'd be too nice to be a football manager?

Fantasy League Pick: Mark Noble. Is he going to break into International football this year?

If they were a drink, they'd be......Gin. Often tarted up and served in posh cocktail bars, but when it comes down to it it's punchy, alcoholic and prone to making you feel depressed. Mother's ruin.

11. Sunderland

Steve Bruce is a brilliant signing for Sunderland, isn't he? He had a shaky start to his management career, but he did a stellar job at Wigan and getting his teeth into a big job like this in his native North-East must be something he's relishing. The side flirted with relegation last year, but Roy Keane is now taking Trigs for long walks in East Anglia and they should have a steadier hand at the rudder now. In the likes of Reid, Richardson and Malbranque, Sunderland should have the players to provide the bullets for Darren Bent, Kenwyne Jones and Frazier Campbell. If his work with Titus Bramble is anything to go by, Bruce should also be just the man to sort out the somewhat shaky defence. I expect a season of consolidation, but I imagine that most Sunderland fans would settle for that at the moment.

One to Watch: Frazier Campbell. He's very, very highly thought of by many people. He should get first team football under Steve Bruce, so it's time to see what he's made of.

Fantasy League Pick: Darren Bent. Someone has to score their goals, right? Bent had an oddly hard time at Spurs, and to my mind never really did anything much wrong and scored goals when he played. He's a proven premier league goalscorer, so....

If they were a drink, they'd be...... a pint of mild. Deceptively punchy and strong and in spite of being written off for years, simply will not go away.

12. Bolton

Even more so than the likes of Roy Hodgson and Tony Pulis, Gary Megson has been given scant recognition for the sterling work that he has done at Bolton. This was a team in deep trouble when he took them on, and now they are back to being pillars of the lower part of the middle-echelon of the Premier League table. They're not likely to challenge for honours, but they are bruisingly effective and will cause good teams lots of problems. 'Twas ever thus. 12th seems a little high up the table, but this is a very average looking Premier League and they may just prosper. Clubs like Wolves, Stoke and Burnley can only look upon their relative success in this division with envy. They all aspire to be this good.

One to Watch: Gary Cahill. Called up into the England squad to cover Rio Ferdinand last season, and not likely to stay here all that much longer.

Fantasy League Pick: Kevin Davies. He just won't go away. No one likes playing against him, and he doesn't seem to score many goals... but he's undeniably effective and is at the heart of most of Bolton's attacking play.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Aftershock. Puts hairs on your chest.

13. Blackburn Rovers

Sam Allardyce is probably the right man to be managing this lot. They may have lost Santa Cruz, but under Mark Hughes, this was a side reknowned and much criticised by the bigger clubs for their rather robust approach to the game. This is hardly likely to change under Allardyce. He may disagree, but surely this - rather than Newcastle - is the kind of club that he can really get his teeth into. Just like Sunderland and Bolton, they're not likely to trouble the top-end of the division, but should be too good for the bottom end and could finish anywhere in the 10-16th region. It's much of a muchness in mid-table this year, isn't it?

One to Watch: Paul Robinson. Do you think he wonders what happened to his career?

Fantasy League Pick: Benni McCarthy. Rather a lot depends upon Big Benni since Roque
Santa Cruz buggered off to Manchester City. If he's fit, then surely he'll score the bulk of any goals that Rovers get?

If they were a drink, they'd be......Meths. No nonsense head smasher.

14. Wigan

Steve Bruce is history and Roberto Martinez has a very, very big challenge to step up to the Premier League and to keep the upward curve of this side intact. It's a big ask, and I think he'll be doing well if he keeps the side clear of the relegation dogfight. Wigan are the kind of club who aspire to play proper football, but need to be careful that they don't lose that element of bloody-mindedness that will see them get results against "better" sides. If they lose that, then they're done for as they don't have the talent to play their way out of trouble.

One to Watch: Roberto Martinez. Another manager in the list of people to watch, but how can you not be interested to see how the Spaniard fares? It's not so much because he's spanish as the fact that the managers of Premier League Clubs are not often picked from the lower leagues, and simply because of that I wish him well. Steve Bruce has big boots to fill.

Fantasy League Pick: Jason Scotland. One of Martinez's favourite players and a real success in the lower leagues. How will he fare in the top division? Will Titus Bramble continue his remarkable good form from last year now that his mentor has gone?

If they were a drink, they'd be......Shandy. Watered down and not likely to get the job done.

15. Stoke City

Surely it's impossible for Stoke to have a season as good as last year? Probably, but Pulis is a wily old dog, and although this side may find it harder to prosper this year, they've come on a long way since their Championsip days and they're likely to be too good for many of the sides below them in the table and the promoted teams. Not pretty, but you simply have to take your hat off to their achievement. It's all relative in this division, and no one gave them a prayer last year. Let's see if they can confound us all again this time around.

One to Watch: Dean Whitehead. Always quietly influential at Sunderland, it will be interesting to see how he manages in his new(-ish) surroundings.

Fantasy League Pick: It has to be James Beattie, doesn't it? Either that or Rory Delap for his jet-propelled assists from the touchline.

If they were a drink, they'd be......White Lightning. Direct and to the point. Not very tasty, but astonishingly effective.

16. Wolverhampton Wanderers

I'm trying not to be too one-eyed in my assessment of my own team, and to be honest I'll be happy if we manage to stay clear of the bottom three... but I've just got a sniff that Wolves are far better prepared for the top division than we were when we last came up. We wobbled a bit last year, but ultimately ended up comfortable winners of the Championsip title. The average age of the first team was 23 years old, and players like Ebanks-Blake, Kightly and Jarvis, all signed by McCarthy from teams in the football league (or non-league, in the case of Kightly) are young, hungry and might just be good enough to make the step up. New signings have been solid, if unspectacular, and Wolves look like a well-run, well-managed club (McCarthy has done a fantastic job and feels he has unfinished business in this division after his experiences with Sunderland). The mediocrity of this half of the division is likely to help, but I really think we've got a chance to stay up this time around. Please.

One to Watch: It will be very interesting to see if Sylvain Ebanks-Blake and Michael Kightley can take the step up to the next level.

Fantasy League Pick: Nenad Miljas scored 22 times from the midfield for Red Star Belgrade last season. Then again, when Wolves were last in the top division, I picked Silas, so what do I know?

If they were a drink, they'd be......Sunny Delight. Luminous, hyperactive and not containing much goodness.

17. Birmingham

I thought Reading were probably the best team in the Championship last year, and they went to their last home game against Birmingham with their hopes of automatic promotion firmly within their own grasp. Birmingham took three points and the second automatic promotion slot into the Premier League. It was a result that symbolised how effective Alex McCleish's team had become. They don't score many goals and they aren't pretty, but they are certainly effective... very much in the mould of their manager. I have a feeling that they might struggle this year, but they will play with a spirit that may just win them crucial points in tight games, even if they are fundamentally lacking in quality and may be destabilised by the continuing talk of a change of ownership. Write them off at your peril.

One to Watch: Lee Bowyer. He's remembered more for other things, but don't forget that he was a fantastically talented player. Or maybe he'll just punch one of his own team mates. It'll also be interesting to see how Roger Johnson settles in after his move from Cardiff.

Fantasy League Pick: James McFadden. I'm not sure if he scores enough goals, but he certainly scores some crucial ones.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Buckfast Wine. Cheap and much enjoyed by Scottish tramps. Either that or Irn Bru.

18. Hull City

A great start to last season was followed by a dismal run of form that only saw Hull stay in the division because of results elsewhere. Which Hull will we see this year? Easy: I think they're going to struggle this year. No ill-adivsed karaoke for Phil Brown this year and a return to the Football League.

One to Watch: Geovanni. On his day, he's a great player, but he's rather prone to blowing up and I can't imagine he'll last the season without throwing his toys out of the pram at least once....

Fantasy League Pick: If he's fit... Jimmy Bullard.

If they were a drink, they'd be...... A Cement Mixer. An unpalatable cocktail of Baileys and Lime juice mixed. A terrible idea, hard to swallow, and sinks like a stone.

19. Portsmouth

Portsmouth have done brilliantly in the Premier League over the last few years, becoming a rather unlikely fixture in the division and even winning some silverware. They're in a terrible state though, with uncertain ownership, unstable finances and an inexorable stripping of their playing assets. Paul Hart is a capable manager, I think, but it will take a massive effort to stay out of trouble this year, and I don't think they've got the players or the fight to do it.

One to Watch: Another manager - Paul Hart. He's never really been given a fair crack of the whip in management, and Pompey is hardly the most stable club, but Hart has a real eye for young players and it will be interesting to see how he shapes Pompey's ageing team that is slowly being asset stripped. If you're a young player at Fratton Park this year, you may well get some unexpected first team action.

Fantasy League Pick: Bit of a struggle this..... Kranjcar scores some handy goals, I suppose.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Dark Rum. Cheap, nasty and often to be found in shacks near the sea.

20. Burnley

Burnley's promotion was an amazing story, but surely they haven't got the quality to compete? Their fans are likely to be loved by everyone as they sing their hearts out in the biggest stadiums in the country, but everyone loves a plucky loser, don't they? Let's just hope we don't see too much of professional Burnley fan Alastair Campbell on Match of the Day, eh?

One to Watch: Owen Coyle. It will be one hell of a story if he can keep this lot up.

Fantasy League Pick: Robbie Blake. Championship player of the year last season, in my opinion. If anyone is going to score points for Burnely, he will.

If they were a drink, they'd be......Advocaat. Unfashionable, rarely seen in polite society and probably finished at Christmas.

---

It's a very average looking division this year, and even though the top 4 is looking a little harder to pick than usual, the places from 7th down could be filled by almost anyone. It's very much a three tier division, I think. But we'll see. Here's to an exciting, action-packed season with Wolves staying up!

Cheers!

#	My Predictions:	LB's Predictions:
1	Liverpool	Chelsea
2	Chelsea	Manchester Utd
3	Manchester Utd	Liverpool
4	Arsenal	Arsenal
5	Manchester City	Manchester City
6	Aston Villa	Spurs
7	Everton	Everton
8	Fulham	Fulham
9	Spurs	Aston Villa
10	West Ham	Sunderland
11	Sunderland	West Ham
12	Bolton Wanderers	Stoke
13	Blackburn	Blackburn
14	Wigan	Birmingham
15	Stoke	Portsmouth
16	Wolves	Wolves
17	Birmingham	Wigan
18	Hull	Bolton Wanderers
19	Portsmouth	Hull
20	Burnley	Burnley

...Liverpool. As if!

Frank Lampard for Chelsea (vs Manchester Utd), 9th August 2009

2009-08-10T21:36:00.003+01:00

I'm not sure if I love this part of the season or loathe it. Not a ball has been kicked in anger in the Premier League season and there's literally everything to play for. My team is even in the top division, for heaven's sake. And yet... there's something exhausting about seeing Sky trailing the new season before the old season has even really finished. The transfer pages in the papers remind me - if I ever really needed reminding - that most footballers are grasping idiots who really seem to believe they have a right to that extra £20,000 a week and a renegotiation on last year's five year contract. Football is a good game, but it's horribly bloated and flashy and so sure of its own importance. But at it's best, and for all of its many flaws, football remains a brilliant game.

So how about we look over last year's predictions, eh?

As always - something of a mixed bag.

The Review of ST's Reliably Appalling CUAS Predictions for the 2008/9 Premier League Season

1. Manchester Utd

They actually finished: 1st

Yay me.

I said: "It's a tough call this. I think Chelsea are likely to improve under Big Phil and they were close enough to Utd last year as it was.... but in the end I think that SAF is well set for another crack this year....it seems unlikely that Ronaldo can possibly be as good (or perhaps as committed) as he was last time out, but if Ferguson manages to sign the striker he's been looking for, then I can't see past them for the title....I expect Utd to take their number of titles level with Liverpool's record this year."

Hm. Wrong, wrong, wrong about Big Phil, but basically right about the rest. Knowing what's still to come, I'm taking this one as a win

One to Watch: Ben Foster.

Hmm. He never did manage to displace 134 year old Edwin Van de Sar. (although I was right about picking from their defence for your fantasy team... just call me nostradamus on that one)

2. Chelsea

They actually finished 3rd.

An easy mistake to make. Who knew that Big Phil would be such a disaster or that Liverpool would actually improve in the league? The Dutchman nearly saved their season, but in the end they had to make do with the FA Cup.

I said: "You can't help but feel sorry for poor old Uncle Avram Grant, but the plain fact is that Phil Scolari looks better equipped to take Chelsea forward from the mire they seem to find themselves in with vastly overpriced, overpaid and underperforming superstars wallowing about as the owner and the chief executive work to undermine their own management."

Nice thought. Big Phil couldn't and Hiddinck nearly did.

One to Watch: Big Phil

No. and of the players, I picked Deco.....

Fantasy signing: You could take a punt on Anelka scoring a hatful if he's used properly, or fork out for Fat Frank filling his boots from midfield, but you probably won't go far wrong with one of the defenders. Bosingwa is practically a winger, so should be bonus assist points there. I've not picked any of the miserable, sulky gits.

Just about right there, I suppose.

3. Liverpool

They actually finished: 2nd

I said: "Great manager though he is in Europe, if I was a Liverpool fan, I'd be wondering how much Rafa Benitez really wants to win the league. It's not as though they've been showing any kind of improvement and finish miles off the pace. It's all well and good resting the likes of Torres at the start of the season, but when it costs you points you should be winning. .....Gerrard and Torres aside though, they may ultimately be lacking quality at the very highest level."

I'm happy with that, actually. Suddenly the league looks like everything to Rafa, and if he can keep Torres and Gerrard on the pitch, they might just have chances this year too.

One to Watch: Robbie Keane. Is he really £20m good? Crouchinho's got big boots to fill...

hahahahahahaha.

4. Arsenal

They actually finished: 4th

I said: "Arsene Wenger could really do with winning something this year. Anything. He apparently has about £70m to spend on new players, but seems oddly / admirably / stubbornly resistant to spending it, preferring instead to scour Europe for gems in need of a bit of polishing. As a result, this Arsenal side looks a bit callow and lacking in a certain je ne sais quoi....." Pretty good so far..... "They'll probably over-perform, but I think they need some players of stature or they may even be overtaken by Spurs and drop out of the top 4 entirely."

Spurs? Oh, that ruins it. Right idea, wrong team.

One to Watch: Theo Walcott.

Yes, when he was fit, and Denilson was marvellous as a bargain signing for my Fantasy Team too.

5. Spurs

They actually finished: 8th.

I said: "I'm wary of predicting a top 4 finish for Spurs this year. I did the same thing last year, and they had an appalling season. Still, one good thing to come out of that was the arrival of the Special Juan: Juande Ramos looks like he is on the way to shaping a half-decent side.....If they don't break in to the top 4, they should at least be capable of beating the sides above them."

Hmm. Sort of, although Junade Ramos was replaced by the archetypal English wheeler-dealer in Harry Redknapp who rescued their season. They actually finished further up the league than I remembered.

One to Watch: Luca Modric.
Fantasy signing: David Bentley

Um. No and No?

6. Aston Villa

They actually finished: 6th

I said: ''Martin O'Neill is a good manager and Villa have been making real progress since he arrived. For me, this was confirmed with his stance to Liverpool over Gareth Barry - a player Villa must surely want to keep if they seriously want to break into the top 4. He didn't make a huge fuss, he just highlighted to Liverpool that if they wanted the player, they would have to pay what he thought that player was worth. ....The whole saga highlights Villa's problem though: they are improving but are ultimately struggling to hold onto their best player. I think this could be a season of consilidation rather than real development, but for now, I expect that's enough."

Quite so. Barry has now gone, and for all their post-Christmas disappointments and their ambitions to crack the top 4, I imagine Villa will ultimately be happy with the same again this year.

One to Watch: Gareth Barry.
Fantasy signing: Ashley Young.

A qualified success. Barry was a bit disappointing for me, and Young's season was much like Villa's - good for the first half and then very disappointing.

7. Everton

They actually finished: 5th

I said: "David Moyes is clearly doing a great job at Everton. Compared to some, he doesn't have a great deal of money and is forced to pick up admirable players like Phil Jagielka and Joelan Lescott as well as the odd overlooked gem like Arteta rather than being able to compete at the top end of the market. ....it's a bit hard to get excited about them though, isn't it?"

Like lots of people, it seems I underestimated David Moyes and Everton. Again. They did a very effective job, even making do when Cahill was (predicatably) injured for long periods of the season. They'll do well to match this performance this season, but I wouldn't count against it.

One to Watch: David Moyes.
Fantasy signing: Yakubu will be good for goals and for local pie shops. Jolean Lescott should also be a good source of points, even if he surely can't score as many goals as he managed last time out.

Yes, No, Yes, No.

8. Portsmouth

They actually finished: 14th (and they were quite lucky to finish that high up_

I said: "Last season's FA cup winners will do well if they can have half as productive a season as they managed last year. It's rare indeed that one of the major trophies goes to a side like this, and although they only faced Cardiff in the final, they did have to beat some decent sides on the way through. Their success was largely founded on a tough defence and some incredibly strong and muscular players throughout the side. Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch are both quite a long way from being muscular, but they should be capable of scoring more goals this time around. They're going to need to though: that defence isn't getting any younger."

I was right about the defence, but wrong about the goals. Portsmouth are in big trouble this year.

One to Watch: Glenn Johnson's hair. Absurd and getting absurder.
Fantasy signing: Defoe or Crouch.

Well, they certainly missed Defoe, anyway.

9. Manchester City

They actually finished: 10th

I said: "Mark Hughes looks like a good manager, but this looks increasingly like a thankless task....They started well last time out, but faded badly. A little bit of consistency this year will go a long way."

But the game at City totally changed with the arrival of Sheikh Mansour, didn't it? Suddenly they were signing players like Robinho and Shay Given and daring to dream about breaking into the top 4... leaving the previous owner as a distant memory.....

One to Watch: Thaksin Shinawatra. In what world is Trashcan Sinatra considered a fit and proper person to run a football club? Ah yes, the crazy world of the Premier League. He's rich and that's all that matters, right?

...although not as rich as some. I think Hughes did well to get this high, to be honest.

10. West Ham

They actually finished: 9th

I said: "I used to quite like West Ham, but for some reason I have lost a lot of the affection that I once had for them. Having players like Dyer, Bellamy, Neill, Carlton Cole and Lee Bowyer probably doesn't help, but they also seem to have stopped being those plucky underdogs with the nice style of play and became a bunch of big-time charlies with nothing much to talk about in the way of achievements.....Mid-table. Any worse than that and I fear for the manager."

Well, I was right to fear for the manager, but the arrival of Gianfranco Zola and the departure of many of those players has recovered West Ham's reputation in a single stroke. People said that Zola was too nice a guy to be a manager, but the feelgood factor saw the Hammers soaring up the table.

One to Watch: Curbishley.
Fantasy signing: Valon Behrami. The swiss David Beckham, you know.

So that's two nos then?

11. Blackburn

They actually finished: 15th

I said: "What does it say about Blackburn that they have lost the likes of Friedel, David Bentley and Mark Hughes? They probably over-achieved under Hughes, and I think that they may revert to the norm"

Yes, but they actually struggled far more than I had imagined.

One to Watch: Ince. He's genuinely the "guvnor" now and has built up a track-record of success in the lower leagues.... but all eyes will be on him now.

....I know the stakes in the Premier League are higher than ever, but surely Ince wasn't given a fair crack of the whip?

Fantasy signing: Roque Santa Cruz is the only real choice here really, isn't he? Even then, it's partly because he might have caught the eye of a bigger club....

Well, if you call City bigger. A disappointing second season for a somewhat distracted RSC.

12. Newcastle

They actually finished: 18th

I said: "Surely to goodness this season can't be as eventful as last year, can it? No offence to any fans reading this, but this is a real car crash of a club. For some reason, I find myself wishing Newcastle nothing but good things, but time and time again I see them ripping themselves apart and generally being their own worst enemies. "

As Shane said last year, everyone always thinks Newcastle are going to finish higher than they actually do. Perhaps we've all been taken in by the mass delusion of the Geordies and their hopelessly romantic view of their club and its chances. They were a car crash last season, and frankly they deserved nothing more than to go down. I don't fancy their chances in the Championship either, to be honest.

One to Watch: Keegan. He must be due an explosion soon if Mike Ashley keeps angling for a sale and if things don't go well on the pitch.

Yup. Not entirely unpredictable (although Dennis Wise, really?), but true nonetheless.

13. Sunderland

They actually finished: 16th

I said: "Always the pick of the promoted clubs last season, but it will be a real test of Roy Keane's management skills how they cope this season. Signing big name players seems to have been something of a struggle this year, but Keane has picked up one or two reasonable looking players (mostly from Tottenham) and will be hopeful that they can build on last year's performances."

Well, Keane didn't last too long, and the club were actually relieved to avoid relegation. A step backwards from a promising beginning under Keane. They'll be oping Steve Bruce can bring some stability and a surer hand on the wheel.

14. Bolton Wanderers

They actually finished: 13th

I said: "Say what you like about Megson, and plenty of people in Nottingham would be more than happy to do so, but he did an undeniably good job in keeping Bolton in the division last year. Sure, devaluing the UEFA cup in the way that he did was hardly edifying, but even the most romantic Bolton fan would surely understand where he was coming from. He also managed to cope well with the loss of his top scorer in January and still survive. No mean feat. If his track record is anything to go by, Megson will hit a brick wall before long and alienate both fans and board alike, but given the lack of quality in the division this year, I think they could do an awful lot better than some people are predicting. It won't be pretty, that's for sure."

Not a bad guess, though I say so myself. Not pretty, as ever, but certainly effective.

15. Middlesbrough

They actually finished: 19th

I said: "Gareth Southgate may well be the most promising young manager in the league... but he's dull, dull, dull and the team has been built in his image. They've got a few decent players, and they may well be able to cope with the loss of players like Boateng, Schwartzer and Cattermole, but.... well, they're a bit nothing much really, aren't they? I expect them to stay up, but that's about all I've got to say about them."

All true. Apart from the staying up bit, obviously.

16. Fulham

They actually finished: 7th

I said: "Roy Hodgson did an amazing job last season cleaning up the mess that Lawrie Sancez left behind him in his doomed attempt to recreate the Crazy Gang / Norn Iron down by the River Thames. A lot of the crap from last season has been flushed away, and with a proper manager at the helm, I think they should be a bit better this season. ....Nothing fancy this year, but progress would be good enough for now"

Roy Hodgson has clearly done a brilliant job at Fulham. He saved them in 2007/8, and this year he made a real step forward into the Euro Sherpa Van Trophy (or whatever it's called). If they make a similar improvement this year, then they'll be looking at finishing.... 7th. Seriously, that's how good a finish this was for the Cottagers.

Fantasy signing: Jimmy Bullard.

Nope. Injured and then injured at Wigan.

17. Wigan

They actually finished: 11th

I said: "Steve Bruce is another manager who came to a club late in the day and quietly went about his business saving them from the drop. In his case, he was also clearly delighted to have escaped the boardroom nonsense at Birmingham and go to a club that actually seemed to want him as a manager. In footballing terms, they're yet another one of those clubs in the division who probably aren't going to set the world alight and who would be happy finishing 17th."

Not bad - except that the mediocrity of the division saw Wigan finishing 11th in the end.

One to Watch: Emile Heskey. Coco the clown is always great value. He managed to break a bone tripping over his own feet last year.

Nevermind breaking a foot: the clown broke back into the England team. The real miss here was quite how good Titus Bramble was at the back. If you want an example of how good a manager Bruce is becoming, look at Brambles improvement from the accident-waiting-to-happen at Newcastle.

18. West Brom

They actually finished: 20th

I said: "Hailed as the "Manchester Utd" of the Championship, West Brom come back into the top division having (in the end) dominated last year on their way to promotion. It's not a great comparison though: they scored a lot of goals last year and played some free flowing football, but their defence was often appallingly slack and I imagine that unless that has been substantially improved this year, they are going to get some heavy beatings. "

In spite of being a Wolves fan, I actually would have been happy to see West Brom stay up as standard bearers for the Championship. It wasn't to be. They played some nice football, but they were always the division's whipping boys. Still, I imagine they'll do better in the Championship this year than Newcastle....

19. Hull

They actually finished: 17th

I said: "It's a fairy story, but although they undoubtedly deserved promotion in the end, I still can't quite believe how they got out of the Championship last year. I can't bring myself to believe that they're going to be able to step up another level, and it's hard to see how they're going to do anything but go straight back down again. I think their fans probably know this, so I expect they will be looking to make the absolute most of their season in the sun. Good luck to them. Shame they ditched that tiger skin away stip though - that was brilliant!"

Well, you have to take your hat off to them. In the end they only escaped relegation by the barest whisper, but their early season form was electric and in the end, on the strength of that, they probably deserved to stay up. It was a worrying post-Christmas slump though, and something will have to change if they're going to stay up this year. Mind you, not seeing an Orange Phil Brown doing karaoke in front of some rather bemused fans would probably be the best thing for all of us, eh?

One to Watch: Dean Windass.

Well, he's increasingly hard to miss, isn't he?

20. Stoke

They actually finished: 12th !

I said: "To be fair to them, the absolutely deserved automatic promotion last season.... but I think the best they can hope for is to beat Derby's points tally from last year. Enjoy your season in the sun boys, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong. In fact, if Hull, West Brom and Stoke were to finish above Boro, Sunderland and Bolton, I'd be one of the first to celebrate... but it seems unlikely. Sorry."

Well, what a season that was. Even in the most fevered dreams of the most fervent Stoke fan, they can't possibly have imagined that they were going to finish this high up the table. I'm pleased on two fronts: one because they are a case study for how a smaller club from the Championship can prosper in the top division, and two because their presence in the league, together with Hull, Birmingham and Burnley, gives me hope as a Wolves fan that we might just be able to surivive in a mediocre division.......

One to Watch: Tony Pulis. He took the team to the unbelievable heights of the Premier League and yet the fans still don't like him.... what more do they want?

Pulis should have been manager of the season, no questions asked. In fact, he was robbed.

----

So, to sum it all up then:

#	ST's Predictions:	LB's predictions:	Actual League Table
1	Manchester Utd	Chelsea	Manchester Utd
2	Chelsea	Manchester Utd	Liverpool
3	Liverpool	Liverpool	Chelsea
4	Arsenal	Arsenal	Arsenal
5	Tottenham	Aston Villa	Everton
6	Aston Villa	Tottenham	Aston Villa
7	Everton	Manchester City	Fulham
8	Portsmouth	Everton	Tottenham
9	Manchester City	Newcastle	West Ham
10	West Ham	West Ham	Man City
11	Blackburn	Portsmouth	Wigan
12	Newcastle	Blackburn	Stoke
13	Sunderland	Sunderland	Bolton
14	Bolton	Fulham	Portsmouth
15	Middlesbrough	Wigan	Blackburn
16	Fulham	West Brom	Sunderland
17	Wigan	Hull	Hull
18	West Brom	Middlesbrough	Newcastle
19	Hull	Stoke	Middlesbrough
20	Stoke	Bolton	West Brom

Man, we're rubbish at this game.

Same again for this season?

Bobby Robson for England (v France), 27 November 1957

2009-07-31T10:49:00.002+01:00

One of the most upsetting things about growing older is that people who you have spent your whole life admiring, respecting or loving start to die. When you're a kid, the deaths of people don't effect you quite so much as your little brain can't cope with the emotion and you haven't had long enough to get to know the person involved. In my mid-thirties, I find now that the deaths of both people I know and celebrities who provide the backdrop to my childhood and adult life hit me much harder.

Never has this been truer than when I heard the devastating news this morning that England legend Sir Bobby Robson had lost his battle with cancer. He was 76. Robson never managed a club I supported (with the exception of Barcelona for whom I have a soft spot for family reasons), and I never had the pleasure of meeting the man. What he did do however was provide the wallpaper for my entire life as a football fan from my early teenage years.

For many people my age the World Cup in Italy in 1990 is one of their defining football memories. In the days before football was on our televisions twenty four hours a day we all crowded around our sets at World Cup time to watch the magic of the world's best footballers - these exotic players who we only ever got to see once every four years or so. Italia 90 was no exception. The hairs on the back of your neck standing up when Nessun Dorma started playing on the television, Des Lynam's consummate professionalism and the hope, as ever, that it might *just* be England's time.

Bobby Robson was holding onto the England job by the skin of his teeth in 1990, lest we forget. A terrible Euro 88 nearly cost the Geordie his job as England boss but as the squad arrived in Italy with such talent as Barnes, Lineker, Beardsley, Waddle and, of course, Gascoigne there was hope (if not expectation) that England would perform.

Italia 90 provides to this day some of the most iconic images of my football life. Rijkaard and Voller's spat, Schillaci's eyes bulging from his head and the tears of England's number 19. That tournament also endeared Bobby Robson to the English public, an affection which he would never, ever wane. His fist pumping encouragement to his England side is seared into my memory, as is his "one man conga" down the touchline as David Platt's volley hit the back of the Belgian net.

For the thickness of a goalpost and a couple of miscued penalties Robson could be spoken of in the same breath as Sir Alf Ramsey. Still, England came as close to winning the World Cup in 1990 as we ever will in my lifetime and Robson was a national hero.

Lest we forget his achievements as a manager, they are considerable. The FA Cup and UEFA Cup with Ipswich Town. Two Eredivisie Championships with PSV Eindhoven in 1991 and 1992. The Portuguese Cup and Championship between 1994 and 1996. The Copa del Rey and European Cup Winners Cup with a Ronaldo inspired Barcelona in 1997. He also guided Newcastle United to a third place finish in the Premier League, famously winning his first home game in charge 8-0.

As well as the iconic images from the World Cup in 1990, my abiding memory of Robson will be his humility and tears on the presentation of the BBC Sports Personality "Lifetime Achievement" award in 2007. He was clearly and visibly moved by the presentation by Sir Alex Ferguson, the appearance of many of his players and peers and also the presence of his wife Elsie who survives him.

Sir Bobby Robson was, quite simply, one of the finest English managers of all time and one of the nicest men in football. He will be sorely missed.

John Thompson for Notts County (vs Wycombe Wanderers), 2nd May 2009

2009-07-23T15:00:00.002+01:00

In something of a reversal of the plot of "Mike Bassett: England Manager", where the manager of a lower league club is made the manager of the national team, Sven Goran Eriksson, the former manager of the English national team, has just taken up the reigns at Notts County, a team in the fourth tier of English football.

You couldn't make it up. Truth really is sometimes even stranger than fiction.

Sven is apparently keen to move up to the Nottingham area, and just in case people aren't familiar with Nottingham, the Sun was quickly on hand with the key information:

"SVEN will find it hard NOT to score in Nottingham - rated by a dating website as one of Britain's best places to find eligible totty. But he faces tough competition as its reputation has also turned it into the country's top destination for stag parties. If he's on form, Sven could maybe bag a beauty like actress Samantha Morton, who hails from the city.

Nottingham girls are famously pretty - with many descended from those drawn from far and wide to work in its historic lace industry. For post-match fun, Sven will find the nightclubs very raunchy but a far cry from many of London's celeb-infested haunts. A good place to start is the city centre venue Rock City, which has two-for-one drinks every Thursday. Then there's Tantra, which supplies romantic revellers with vast beds to lounge on. Back of the net! For an added bonus, Nottingham is groaning under the weight of student totty - mainly because its universities offer some of the country's best nursing courses. As for the boozers, the nearest to Notts County's 20,000-capacity Meadow Lane is The Globe. It serves a cracking pie and pint, but isn't famed for its lady folk. Not to worry, Sven. A ten-minute walk from the ground takes you to Hooters, a bar and grill staffed by scantily-clad girls. Sven, who's partial to a cocktail and sushi, is more likely to be offered a pint of Rock Bitter or Rock Mild made at the famous Nottingham Brewery.

Locals often down it with a large bread roll called a cob.

The ever-sartorial Swede will be pleased to know top designer Paul Smith is from Nottingham, and has his flagship store there."

Pretty girls, Hooters, Paul Smith and cobs. It's all you really need to know, isn't it?

Sheesh. "....a large bread roll called a cob"??? Where exactly do they think Nottingham is? Abroad?

The Mirror, meanwhile, focuses the full forensic power of their expert analysis on telling their readers "Why Sven Goran Erikkson would be awful at Championship Manager and why Notts Country are doomed". Apparently Ferguson, Wenger, Pulis and Hughes would be pretty good, Redknapp and Allardyce would be brilliant but they have their doubts about the likes of Ancelotti and Benitez. Sven, they reckon, would stink at the game. Quite what that has to do with anything remains unclear. Perhaps he's really good at Sonic the Hedgehog? That's probably got just as much in common with actually running a real life football club as Championship Manager.....

As you might expect, the Guardian manages to assume a vastly more sophisticated tone in their coverage, and inform and entertain their readers with a list of all the things Sven needs to know about his new club. A list that includes such vital information as this:

"The definitive supporters' song is called I Had a Wheelbarrow. It goes: "I had a wheelbarrow, the wheel fell off/I had a wheelbarrow, the wheel fell off", to the tune of On Top of Old Smokey. Nobody really knows why."

Perhaps they reckon that a more educated, liberal, middle-class readership will already be well aware of what a cob is?

Oh, and Hooters is not a ten minute walk away from the ground. It's much nearer than that. And all you can eat chicken wings is only £6.99 per person all day on a Monday, so it's great value. Half price ribs on a Wednesday too, and kids eat free on a Sunday....

[I originally published this elsewhere, but then remembered that I also contribute to a football blog, so please excuse the repost....]

Lee Croft for Norwich City (v Ipswich Town), 7 December 2008

2009-06-25T13:19:00.005+01:00

The BBC today report that ex-Norwich winger Lee Croft is to join Derby County. A pretty run-of-the-mill football story, as they go.

What concerns me though is the picture of Croft that the BBC have used on their site.

Is it me, or is the poor fella about to be attacked by the biggest flying insect Norwich has ever seen?

Darren Gibson for Manchester United (v Hull City), 24 May 2009

2009-06-21T21:57:00.003+01:00

The Cheer Up Alan Shearer Predictions League

S, another season over and the fourth season of CUAS Predictions is complete. After wins for me in season 1, the title has finally been wrestled from Shane (winner in seasons 2 and 3). An excellent performance by Swiss Toni sees him take the title this season with 253 points. I was 15 points back in second, with Skif an excellent third, Andy a creditable fourth and the previous undisputed champion way back in 5th place.....

Weenie was 6th (a bonus 15 points for correctly predictiong the bottom three helped, there!).

Thanks again to everyone for playing, and we'll start the whole silly endeavour again in August.

Lasith Malinga for Sri Lanka (v West Indies), 10 June 2009

2009-06-12T12:08:00.002+01:00

Due to my impending redundancy I spent a very relaxed and "bugger the work!" afternoon at Trent Bridge on Wednesday thanks to the generosity of a friend of mine who gave me a ticket.

I know this isn't even slightly football related, but can someone please explain to me how Lasith Malinga gets away with it?

Lionel Messi for Barcelona (v Manchester Utd), 27 May 2009

2009-06-02T20:43:00.003+01:00

End of Season Loose Ends Rambling, Innit

1. Champions League

Were Manchester United beaten by a much better team on the night? Undoubtedly. Are Barcelona the best club side in the world, ever? No. The reality is somewhere in between - United could have defended better but Barcelona fully deserved their win, and are, I think, a popular winner of the tournament. I was also particularly encouraged by the magnanimity shown by Sir Alex after the match - not always apparent in the past.

2. Carlo Ancelotti

And Chelsea were oaning about their pragmatic, organised football under Mourinho. Chelsea fans - be prepared for your team to be extremely effective but you be bored shitless for his tenure.

3. Liverpool

That their chance to win the league gone. do you think?

4. Newcastle Utd

Dear oh dear. What a mess, there. At least 45 minutes against Aston Villa where they didn't seem to give a flying toss whether they were relagted or not rather sums it up for me. Bixzarrely, they were probably a better side than Hull but the Tigers victory at St James' ultimately decisive, I suppose.

Owen? sigh. What's going to happen there? Celtic? A decent job for a mid-table Premiership side? Abroad to salvage his career? Who knows?

Clearout, sign good Championship players and they'll make the play-offs next season. No demise of Leeds-esque proportions for the Magpies, methinks.

5. Transfers

It's started already, hasn't it? I used to love the good old days when you got home and realised your team had signed a great player and it came like a bolt out of the blue. Now, Sky Skorts News and the Sun fill their content with endless transfer speculation until you're so desperate to make it all stop that by the time Frank Ribery signs for your club you'll be so pissed off with the whole endeavour that you won't care two hoots.

Predictions results imminent, and I am thinking of posting a weekly quiz of some sort. Woot. Hold the front page....

Grafite for Wolfsburg (v Werder Bremen), 23 May 2009

2009-05-26T12:57:00.005+01:00

In a season of unusual league winners (Finland, Norway, Sweden, Russia getting "first" league winners, AZ winning in Holland) we can add another to the list as unfancied Wolfsburg took their first ever Bundesliga title on Saturday after a 5-1 demolition of Werder Bremen. Winning an unprecedented 14 out of their 17 games after the winter break, Felix Magath's side (although it is no longer Felix Magath's side as he's off to Schalke) take the title for the first time in their 64 year history.

Bayern Munich were second and take a Champions League spot and Stuttgart finished third (they go into the Champions League quaklifying round). Hertha were a very creditable fourth and Hamburg finished fifth.

Armenia Bielefeld and Karksruhe are relegated, whilst Cottbus play Nurnberg to decide the final promotion/relegation place.

Michael Owen for England (v Argentina), 30 June 1998

2009-05-22T10:22:00.001+01:00

Predictions are here.

"....it is certainly true that in recent years he has never been quite able to keep a note of polite peevishness out of his voice. So that most of the time he sounds like a junior executive complaining to the receptionist at his conference hotel that the provision of UHT milk cartons with the in-room tea and coffee making facilities is wholly inadequate."

Harry Pearson bemoans the declining career of ex-BBC Sports Personality of the Year Michael Owen.

Craig Fagan for Hull City (v Bolton Wanderers), 16 May 2009

2009-05-21T15:34:00.002+01:00

So, here we go. The final predictions for the 2008/9 season...

I just have a sneaking suspicion that Newcastle are going to fluke their way out of the bottom three. A draw whilst Hull lose, perhaps...?

Arsenal 2-0 Stoke
Aston Villa 1-1 Newcastle
Blackburn 2-1 West Brom
Fulham 1-1 Everton
Hull 0-1 Man Utd
Liverpool 2-0 Tottenham
Man City 2-0 Bolton
Sunderland 0-2 Chelsea
West Ham 1-1 Middlesbrough
Wigan 1-1 Portsmouth

and wildcards from the European Cup Final

Barcelona 2-1 Manchester United
First goalscorer: Eto'o (Barcelona)
First booking: Evra (Manchester Utd)

Diomansy Kamara for Fulham (v Newcastle United), 16 May 2009

2009-05-18T10:39:00.002+01:00

Newcastle's defeat to Fulham on Saturday pushes them back into the bottom three and therefore requires the result of the Hull City v Manchester United game to go their way next weekend.

I can't help thinking that this leaves Sir Alex in a bit of a predicament. Having sewn up the title with a listless display against Arsenal on Saturday lunchtime, and with a Champions League final four days after the Hull game you could hardly blame Ferguson for leaving out his "star" names and sending a reserve team out against the Tigers.

The problem here is that the age old issue about "the integrity of the league" rears its head. Can you imagine the storm that would develop if Ferguson sent out a team made up of fringe and reserve players who were duly dispatched by Hull therefore sending Newcastle to the Championship? (admittedly, this scenario involves Hull beating any team Ferguson chooses to send out which, in their form, is pretty unlikely).

The other factor of course is that Shearer famously turned down Sir Alex on a couple of occasions, and so there is not much love lost between either Ferguson and Shearer or, let's be fair, the United faithful and the Toon manager.

Early reports suggest Ferguson is likely to leave out some of the bigger names players for the game (Rooney and Ronaldo have been mentioned) and I very much doubt he'd send out his under 15 team simply to send Newcastle down. If the Geordies lose to Aston Villa, it will of course all be irrelevant. If they don't, though, Ferguson's team selection will come under the most intense scrutiny and any sense that he sent out a considerably weakened side will incur the ire of every Newcastle fan for years to come.

Michael Carrick for Manchester United (v Wigan Athletic), 13 May 2009

2009-05-14T09:34:00.002+01:00

OK, in the home straight....

Bolton 1-0 Hull
Everton 2-1 West Ham
Man Utd 1-1 Arsenal
Middlesbrough 1-0 Aston Villa
Newcastle 1-2 Fulham
Stoke 0-0 Wigan
Tottenham 2-1 Man City
West Brom 2-4 Liverpool
Chelsea 2-0 Blackburn
Portsmouth 2-1 Sunderland

and wildcards from the Bundesliga again (my, it is close....)

Hannover 1-1 Wolfsburg
TSG Hoffenheim 0-2 Bayern Munich
Hertha Berlin 2-1 Schalke

Carlos Tevez for Manchester Utd (v Manchester City), 10 May 2009

2009-05-12T08:44:00.000+01:00

"....Meanwhile the club's Argentine star Carlos Tevez has signalled his desire to leave at the end of the season. Ferguson has restricted Tevez's appearances in recent months, claiming that whenever he sees him charging down the wing, "it's like one of those dirty great Orcs from Lord of the Rings coming at you in 3D"....."

The Daily Mash gets to grips with the Carlos Tevez transfer story in the way only they can.