Gelson Fernandes for Switzerland (v Spain), 16 June 2010

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 5

I knew the World Cup would be great for these....

"Did he just say his name was Chavvy? How unfortunate..."

Inca for Sol de America (v Olimpia), 16 May 2010

There are ways to save your club from relegation...and there are ways to save your club from relegation.

With 10 minutes to go and the scores 1-1, Sol de America badly needed three points to stave off the threat of relegation against title chasing Olimpia. So, up stepped Inca and blasted this astonishing free-kick into the roof of the net...from the centre circle.

Madness.

Bryan Ruiz for FC Twente (v NAC Breda), 2 May 2010

The Dutch Eredivisie Review on ESPN has become one of the 'must watch' TV programmes in my household on a weekly basis. I don't know quite what it is that endears me to Dutch football ahead of watching, say, the Bundesliga or La Liga, but watching promising players on the way up (and some geniuses on the way down) is somehow more interesting that watching household names at the peak of their powers.

This season has been terrific, and it culminated yesterday in a deserved first ever league triumph for little FC Twente, under the stewardship of Steve McLaren. It's difficult to oversell the job that McLaren has done at Twente, guiding one of the league's smallest sides (their Grolsch Veste stadium holds just 24,000) to the title. Twente were broke as recently as a decade ago, and even last season after their record second place finish they still had to sell their best stars to keep afloat.

Twente's 2-0 win at NAC Breda is their first ever league title and guarantees the club a spot in the Champions League group stage. I suppose a comparison would be St Johnstone winning the SPL title, or perhaps Fulham winning the Premier League.

A word of praise also for Martin Jol's Ajax who ended up just a point behind Twente with an astonishing goal difference of +86. I fully expected PSV to be Dutch champions this season, and so for both sides to eclipse Fred Rutten's side is a great achievement.

Alan Shearer for England (v Switzerland), 8 June 1996

Never has the phrase 'cheer up Alan Shearer' been more appropriate.

Small Talk Interview

Clarke Carlisle for Burnley (v Bristol City), 22 September 2007

In a week where all we have heard about footballers is how much they enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves to glamour models and how they think nothing of having it away with a teammates girlfriend (thanks, by the way, JT - now we don't have an experienced, fit left back for the World Cup), here's proof that not all Premier League stars are complete fuckwits.

Clarke Carlisle, the Burnley defender, has become the first top flight player to win an edition of Countdown. We at CUAS salute you, Clarke, for reminding everyone that there are one or two footballers out there who do have a brain....

Martin Peters for England (v West Germany), 30 July 1066

England are 11/2 to win the World Cup in 2010.

However, they are 6/1 to be runners-up.

I don't understand why the bookies have it so that it's more likely that England will win the World Cup than be runners-up. Why would that be? It's more likely that we win the Final than lose it? Eh?

John Terry for Chelsea (v Burnley), 30 January 2010

I don't much care what he's done in his private life, if I am honest.

However, if you are going to use this sort of personal branding - "British sporting hero", "England's football captain" and "Dad of the Year 2008" in an attempt to obtain lucrative commercial endorsement contracts, then I'm pretty sure that means we're entitled to read all about your sordid exploits in the tabloid papers.

Anyway we should replace Terry as captain with someone with more moral fibre. Rio Ferdinand (drugs), Glen Johnson (stealing a bog seat from B&Q), Steven Gerrard (alleged assault), Rooney (shagging grannies), Ashley Cole (alleged allsorts), Frank Lampard (oh, he shagged someone and left his wife, didn't he?), David Beckham (oops), Ashley Young (chatroom nakedness).....

ahem.

Wayne Rooney for Manchester Utd (v Manchester City), 27 January 2009

Wayne Rooney on England's recent friendly defeat to Brazil in this month's FourFourTwo magazine:

"We're in exactly the same place we were before Doha. We've qualified well and people should remember that in the friendlies we've played Spain, Germany, Holland, Brazil, four of the top five in the world. France as well."

Hmmm. Let me recall those results.

France 1-0 England
Spain 2-0 England
Holland 2-2 England
Germany 1-2 England
Brazil 1-0 England

Not a *stunning* record, is it, Wayne?

Sol Campbell for Arsenal (v Barcelona), 17 May 2006

Look, it writes itself. Nowt to do with me.

Ronaldo for Brazil (v Germany), 30 June 2002

There are lots of betting markets and discussions flying about already as to who will play who in the latter stages of the 2010 World Cup.

For example, I was involved in a discussion the other day with someone who was convinced England would lose to Portugal in the quarter finals in South Africa. I was pretty sure I was right, and I checked my schedule to make sure. England can't actually meet Portugal in the quarter finals, irrespective of where the two finish in Group C and Group G respectively.

Similarly, assuming Germany and Spain win their respective groups (they should do) then they can't meet in the World Cup Final. And yet, it's a 22/1 chance that they will be the two finalists when it is 25/1 that Germany will meet Brazil in the Final, which is perfectly plausible based on the draw.

Anyway, the moral is this: do your research.

(my tip, for what it's worth, is Brazil v Italy at 22/1. And, if Brazil or Spain don't win their group, they'll meet as early as the last sixteen. Eeeek.)

Elvis Kafoteka for Malawi (v Algeria), 11 January 2010

Malawi v Algeria, African Cup of Nations in numbers

Algeria goals: 0

Malawi wins at the African Cup of Nations before this game: 0

Number of people in the crowd at Angola's National Stadium: approx 30

Number of Algerians who represent Portsmouth: 2

Chances of Algeria beating England at World Cup 2010 on this performance: 0

Amount of money I lost from Algeria failing to turn up and being soundly beaten by a hopeless Malawi team who have never won a match in this competition before and despite having one of those comedy African goalkeepers who doesn't look like he has ever played football before: £5

Marco Materazzi for Italy (v France), 9 July 2006

Help!

As part of my actual job these days, I have to come up with literally dozens of ideas of articles I can write about the 2010 World Cup.

Not for June, but to write them now.

Examples:

Why Spain Won't Win The World Cup
Will There Be A South American Winner?
Top England Goalscorer
England Stage of Elimination

and so on, and so on. The more ideas I come up with, the more articles I can write and the more I will be paid.

I'd really appreciate any ideas that anyone has - editorial or otherwise - on as limited or wide a topic as possible. Bear in mind that the list on my desk now includes things like 'Australia's Top World Cup Goalscorer' and you can see how desperate I am.

Thanks, my lovely CUAS reader(s).

Dalibor Stevanovič for Vitesse (v AZ Alkmaar), 6 December 2009

Those of you who have read CUAS for a long while will know of my amusement at the continued managerial failures of ex-Holland international Ronald Koeman.

Today, entirely unsurprisingly, Koeman has been sacked by Dutch champions AZ Alkmaar after just sixteen matches of the 2009/10 season. Their 2-1 home defeat to Vitesse was the final straw and Koeman leaves the champions sixteen points behind league leaders FC Twente (eleven straight league wins for Steve McLaren's side, by the way).

After his disastrous spell at Valencia and a less than brilliant previous career surely no-one will employ him now. Will they?

(this is my third "Koeman is s**t" post, by the way. I fear there will be more....)

David Beckham for Los Angeles Galaxy (v Toronto FC), 20 September 2009

During the run-up to the World Cup draw yesterday, Mark Lawrenson was talking about what David Beckham brings to the England team. He was babbling on about his confidence and coolness in TV interviews.

"These days", said the pundit, "what happens off-field at the World Cup is important as what happens on it."

That's not *strictly* true, is it, Lawro?

Robbie Keane for Republic of Ireland (v France), 18 November 2009

True story.

At the rehearsal for the World Cup draw yesterday, Charlize Theron pulled out the ball for "France" and said "Ireland".

Heh heh heh.

William Gallas for France (v Republic of Ireland), 18 November 2009

Hmmm. Having looked at it a few times, it really was quite horribly blatant, wasn't it?

Bixente Lizarazu for France (v Saudi Arabia), 19 June 1998

Bixente Lizarazu. 97 Caps for France, one World Cup winners medal, one European Championships medal, one Champions League winners medal and six Bundesliga titles.

Did you know that he is also the current European jiu-jitsu champion in the under 76kg category for blue belts aged 35-40?

Dimitar Berbatov for Manchester Utd (vs Blackburn Rovers), 31st October 2009

[this is a cross-post from here, but it's making me really angry and it seems relevant to include it here too....apologies]

---
There's a bit in Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" where Captain Black runs something he calls the "Glorious Loyalty Oath Campaign", where everyone in the squadron finds themselves forced to sign oaths pledging their loyalty in order to get absolutely anything or everything:

"Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that "The Star-Spangled Banner," one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again"

Of course, anyone refusing to sign one of these oaths is immediately branded as somehow being disloyal to their country, to their flag and to their cause:

"Without realizing how it had come about, the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other. When they voiced objection, Captain Black replied that people who were loyal would not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they had to. To anyone who questioned the effectiveness of the loyalty oaths, he replied that people who really did owe allegiance to their country would be proud to pledge it as often as he forced them to."

Captain Black's rival, Major Major, is actively prevented from signing any of these oaths, even if he wanted to:

"What makes you so sure Major Major is a Communist?"

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you? And you don't see him signing any of our loyalty oaths."

"You aren't letting him sign any."

"Of course not," Captain Black explained. "That would defeat the whole purpose of our crusade".

Thus does Joseph Heller neatly skewer empty patriotism.

I was reminded of this when reading about the Daily Mail's latest campaign to try and get every Premier League football club to display a poppy on their matchday shirts during November.



As a result of their bullying, there are now only three of the twenty clubs holding out: Liverpool, Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers. As a spokesman for Manchester Utd not unreasonably said:

"We don’t think it’s particularly necessary. We sell poppies around the ground and all our officials wear them and we work with Armed Forces charities in a lot of other ways throughout the year."

Not good enough, apparently, and the Mail is continuing to try to bully them into changing their minds. Obviously, their readers are full of considered opinions on the subject. Here's lazzruss:

"Yes Yes Yes!!! It is beyond my capacity to put into words how this 'government' has ruined our once Great Britain by sytematically [sic] attacking our spiritual and historical heritage and culture and we have had enough! Banning poppies is the final insult to our nation as this shows a complete disregard and contempt for our Glorious Dead who gave everything including their very lives for the sake of the future of our Nation and every football team owes them their success and privileges - to display a simple poppy proudly on their shirts should be a moral imperative for anyone who loves our Country and what we (not the inept and shameful Labour Government) stand for."

Let's leave aside the fact that the majority of the players in the Premier League aren't even English, eh? Why let that get in the way of a good rant about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?

Um, perhaps it's a statement of the obvious, but if you try to force people to wear a poppy, aren't you restricting our freedom to choose not to wear one? Isn't that the same freedom that "our Glorious Dead' fought for? Like it or not, that's the same freedom that allows a student to get so paralytically drunk that he urinated on a war memorial in Sheffield. Not very nice, for sure, but surely more a story about binge drinking than it is about any calculated disrespect for the dead, whatever the Daily Mail try to make of the story (flogging too good for him, naturally).

This "Poppy fascism" seems to be everywhere at the moment. Apparently the BBC are under pressure because the dancers on "Strictly..." weren't wearing poppies last week. All of the judges were, but none of the dancers. Not good enough, apparently, as everyone on the X-Factor was wearing one.... The BBC initially (and not very bravely) hid behind "Health & Safety issues" as the reason why the dancers weren't wearing poppies, but have now apparently changed their minds in the face of all this public outrage.

Where does this oneupmanship and assumed moral authority stop? Why are we only displaying our poppies for a couple of weeks of November? Does that mean we're being disrespectful and unpatriotic for the other 50 weeks of the year? Should we all be dyeing our hair red and tattooing poppies onto our cheeks so we can be displaying our gratitude and support for the sacrifices made on our behalf every single day of the year?

Of course, you can trust the good old Guardian for an alternative view, and Marina Hyde today has a good rant about this "phony poppy apoplexy":

"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle. Then accept the fact that media campaigns to foreground the poppies that are not being worn, as opposed to the ones that are, serve not as a memorial to the sacrifices made on our behalf, but as a reminder of our hard-wired one‑upmanship and infinite capacity to find ways to divide ourselves."

The commentators are even more strident:

"Forced wearing of the poppy to commemorate a fight against tyranny? Britain seems to get sillier and sillier, and more and more irrelevant every week."

One takes the trouble to remind everyone of the Daily Mail's support of the Nazis in the 1930s, when they praised Oswald Mosley ("Hurrah for the Blackshirts") for his "sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine", and the proprietor of the paper, the Viscount Rothermere, visited and corresponded with Hitler, culminating, on 1 October 1938, when Rothermere sent Hitler a telegram in support of Germany's invasion of the Sudetenland, and expressing the hope that 'Adolf the Great' would become a popular figure in Britain.

They don't talk about that so much, do they? Why am I now uncomfortably reminded of people being forced to wear pink triangles and yellow stars?

It seems that the spirit of Captain Black is alive and well and still busily hunting out people who won't sign his loyalty oaths.

"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you?"

Is that the Daily Mail's motto?

John Goossens for NEC Nijmegen (v ADO Den Haag), 17 October 2009

101 Great Goals #34 - John Goossens

It's not very often that my adopted Dutch club, NEC Nijmegen, appear above the radar. They are the very definition of 'mid table mediocrity' - sitting in the middle of the Eredivisie every single year, doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.

To include a goal that earned them a 1-1 home draw against ADO Den Haag also sounds like the dullest thing in the world, but this particular piece of brilliance from ex-Ajax kid John Goossens deserves to shine a light on the club...if only very briefly.

Cesar Delgado for Lyon (v Liverpool), 20 October 2009

I can't believe the reaction to Rubin Kazan beating Barcelona in the Champions League. Rubin are the strongest side in a very tough and high quality Russian league and, as Zenit have shown in recent seasons, Russian club sides should be a force to be reckoned with in European football.

It's not as if the team that finished third in the weak French league went to a multiple European champions and won, is it?

Eh?

Oh.