Clarke Carlisle for Burnley (v Bristol City), 22 September 2007

In a week where all we have heard about footballers is how much they enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves to glamour models and how they think nothing of having it away with a teammates girlfriend (thanks, by the way, JT - now we don't have an experienced, fit left back for the World Cup), here's proof that not all Premier League stars are complete fuckwits.

Clarke Carlisle, the Burnley defender, has become the first top flight player to win an edition of Countdown. We at CUAS salute you, Clarke, for reminding everyone that there are one or two footballers out there who do have a brain....

Martin Peters for England (v West Germany), 30 July 1066

England are 11/2 to win the World Cup in 2010.

However, they are 6/1 to be runners-up.

I don't understand why the bookies have it so that it's more likely that England will win the World Cup than be runners-up. Why would that be? It's more likely that we win the Final than lose it? Eh?

John Terry for Chelsea (v Burnley), 30 January 2010

I don't much care what he's done in his private life, if I am honest.

However, if you are going to use this sort of personal branding - "British sporting hero", "England's football captain" and "Dad of the Year 2008" in an attempt to obtain lucrative commercial endorsement contracts, then I'm pretty sure that means we're entitled to read all about your sordid exploits in the tabloid papers.

Anyway we should replace Terry as captain with someone with more moral fibre. Rio Ferdinand (drugs), Glen Johnson (stealing a bog seat from B&Q), Steven Gerrard (alleged assault), Rooney (shagging grannies), Ashley Cole (alleged allsorts), Frank Lampard (oh, he shagged someone and left his wife, didn't he?), David Beckham (oops), Ashley Young (chatroom nakedness).....

ahem.