Tuesday, September 26, 2006

El-Hadji Diouf for Liverpool (v Sheffield United), 21 January 2003

After watching the Portsmouth v Bolton game last night I was glad I have never had to either play on an opposing side or be a fan near the pitchside when El-Hadji Diouf was involved. He epitomises so much I hate in football - his attitude, histrionics, temper and general demeanour make you want to punch his lights out.

Musing on this, I wondered if we could arrive at a Football Cocks Eleven. Not dirty players, not cheating players. In fact, no real criteria at all other than the fact that a given player seems like a complete tool.

Shall I start with an XI and we'll tweak it as necessary?

The Football Cocks Eleven

Jens Lehmann
Kieron Dyer Graeme Le Saux
Rio Ferdinand
Danny Mills
Ashley Cole
Lee Bowyer
Robbie Savage
El-Hadji Diouf
Jermaine Pennant Paul Ince (c)
Craig Bellamy
Nicolas Anelka Didier Drogba

sub: Cristiano Ronaldo (I can't quite find him as big a cock as those other four midfielders)

manager: Graeme Souness (I'd have Mick McCarthy, personally)

chairman: Sam Hammam

any advance?

*update*

The specific criteria here is not that players are cheating and dirty, necessarily (hence the absence of the Portuguese), just that they seem like a cock. I appreciate that it's not the most tangible criteria ever, but you know what I mean. Alan Shearer might be a dirty so and so that elbowed his way through an entire career, but I am not sure he is a cock in the way that, say, Bowyer is, is he?

17 comments:

Footblogger said...

Surely Paul Ince deserves the captain's armband for any such team?

El Tel said...

Didier Drogba is pushing for a place. Ditto that ridiculous Beckham bloke. Before looking at your list, I thought 'Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Lee Bowyer'. You had them all.

Got to admit a soft spot for Robbie Savage after I saw him (as an away player) joking with a group of very young Middlesbrough fans a couple of seasons ago. That said, he remains a liability in the TV studio - inarticulate, and with daft hair.

adem said...

I really hate Diouf for his constant spitting. What a cock

I'd definitely opt for Drogba, and as manager of the Football Cocks Eleven it would have to be Mourinho.

weenie said...

Cristiano Ronaldo

Paul said...

I agree with everything that you say about El-Hadji Diouf and I can't fault the team selection. How about Graeme Souness as manager, with Peter Ridsdale as the Chairman.

United113 said...

Goal - Cristiano Ronaldo

Defenders - Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo

Midfield - Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Luis Figo

Attack - Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo

Subs: Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Robin Van Persie

and thats from a united fan....

United113 said...

Seriously:

Ricardo
Miguel
Meira
Ricardo Carvalho
Nuno Valente
Luis Figo
Maniche
Petit
Tiago
Ronaldo
Pauleta

Subs:

Postiga
Hugo Viana
Simao

Ref: Horacia Marcelo Elizonda

United113 said...

Speaking of refs, Jeff Winter anyone????

Andy said...

I'm not sure if he's a cock but Graeme Le Saux is definitely a knob.

Actually, maybe he's just a tit.

Enough of the semantics. Barry Fry for chairman!

Jonny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jonny said...

Or howzabout Sam Hamann (Hammam, don’t know the spelling but you will all know who I mean) for Chairman? What was all the patting the head about? He sure knew how to wind up the opposition.

United113 said...

Deco

and i think you've missed the most important, most obvious and WORST!!!

i give you...

Mr Alan Shearer....

SwissToni said...

Ian Walker
Kieron Dyer
Ashley Cole (increasingly)
David Beckham (for off-field reasons, rather than because his useless poncing about on the field has particularly annoyed me)
Sinisa Mihajlovic
Fabrizzio Ravenelli
Paul Dickov

Graeme Souness as manager, I agree (and you can leave Merlin the Magician alone, thank you very much).

and I think Fat Freddie Shepherd has chances as chairman, surely? Perhaps alongside Ridsdale in some kind of dream team?

Kenyon as chief exec - no contest.

and Barry Davies can commentate.

ST

Jonny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jonny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jonny said...

Surely Jody Morris is worthy of a place.....

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