Thursday, June 15, 2006

Steven Gerrard for England (vs Trinidad & Tobago), 15th June 2006

England --> The CUAS player-by-player analysis:

-> Paul 'don't it make you feel good' Robinson
Little occupied except when caught out of position for the T&T chance that was cleared off the line. Has the largest gloves in the world.

-> Jamie Carragher
Little noticed at right-back for the first hour of the game. Not much threatened and had at least one decent gallop into the opposition penalty area. Fairly anonymous and David Beckham later played the same position to more effect. Quite ugly.

-> Ashley Cole
Largely anonymous and lacking attacking threat for much of the game. Was caught out several times as the last line of defence when all the centre backs were up for corners. Tiny feet.

-> Rio Ferdinand
Solid enough in the main but I would have liked to have seen him step up into midfield more to help push Steven Gerrard further up the pitch. Probably had enough time to plot some 'hilarious' practical jokes. Maybe this game was one of them.

-> John Terry
England's best player - which is a little worrying in itself against a team like T&T. Timely goal line clearance just before half-time (which Gareth Southgate helpfully informed us would be a terrible time to concede a goal). Has the haircut of an 8 year old and a look of perpetual bewilderment.

-> Steven Gerrard
Spent far too much of the game playing in our half. Scored a Stevie G special when he finally managed to get forwards. Largely wasted as a holding player. Weird hairline but now developing worry lines on his (tiny) forehead.

-> Frank Lampard
Looks out of touch and missed three or four gilt edged chances to score. Nice tan but looks to have just the faintest hint of man-breasts.

-> Joe Cole
Did little except play ill-judged one-twos with Ashley Cole and generally give the ball away. Nice tan.

-> David Beckham
Delivers the ball superbly when given the chance and worth his place for exactly the sort of cross he put in for Crouch's goal. Played OK at right back and linked well with Aaron Lennon. Looks fit and determined but as captain is clearly unable to lift his team when their heads start to drop. The George Cross on his boots looks as though it was painted by a child.

-> Peter Crouch
England legend in the making. Slow to react and too slow to run onto most through balls. Still offers some threat but surely better used off the bench. Too many teeth.

-> Michael Owen
Patently lacking match fitness and playing far too deep: so far away from Crouch that he was frequently playing behind Frank Lampard. Must play 90 minutes against Sweden even if he has to finish the game on his hands and knees - or he should be dropped. England's Ronaldo: sluggish and a shadow of his former self. Mind you, Paolo Rossi was pretty hopeless in the Group Stages of the 1982 World Cup.....


-> Wayne Rooney
Looked fit and determined. Was demanding the ball the moment he stepped onto the pitch and really tried to take command. Looked to finish the game with his foot intact, which can only be good news. Looking more like a boxer with every passing day. Is it me though, or is his hair looking a touch thin for a 20 year old?

-> Aaron Lennon
Made a real impact running at defenders with the ball. Dovetailed nicely with Beckham at full-back (although probably not against better opposition). If he could cross the ball he'd be brilliant.

-> Stewart Downing
Also played.... apparently.


Not a great performance, and I can't see many sides quaking in their boots at the prospect of playing us..... but in the end it's the result that's important. Worth noting too that Sven's substitutions made a positive impact on a game for the first time ever AND England actually won a game in the second half for the first time in years.

Must do better and perhaps time to try something different against Sweden?


weenie said...

Inspired substitutions from Sven for once - he must have gotten out the wrong side of the bed.

adem said...

Very brave of the Swede to bring off two guys at the same time *chortle*

Mike said...

Very amusing and completely accurate.