Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ashley Cole for Chelsea (v Tottenham Hotspur), 20 September 2009

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

4. All The Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

John Motson is 64, you know. If you'd ask me, mind, I'd have said that due to his increasingly inconsistent commentary he was nearer 75. We love a bit of Motty, but he's been gradually losing the plot as he has aged, and his increasingly hyperbolic commentary has led me to race into my living room at many a time only for someone to have won a boring corner.

Still, the man is a living football legend and my favourite piece of commentary from the overcoat-wearing loon happened a mere couple of weeks ago in the Chelsea v Spurs Premier League clash.

You have to fast forward this clip to 1 min 22 seconds in, and apologies for the Match of the Day 2 chortling in the background. Chiles may have it right, though - I do think Motty got his tackle caught in his Y-fronts as Aaron Lennon is bearing down on the Chelsea goal, here.

This has not yet failed to make me laugh out loud, this clip. God love you, Motty.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Chris Brass for Darlington (v Bury), 22 April 2006

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

6. Broken Nose

The football video industry has been a rich source of income over the years as "celebrities" from Nick Hancock to Gary Lineker host their stocking-filleresque "Football Gaffe" DVDs. These variations on a theme generally feature utterly hilarious moments of people standing on the ball and scoring own goals. And the odd fight from a South American league match.

Hilarious. £15.99 to you, guv.

However, we at CUAS had to include this clip in our top Ten list as it never, ever fails to make me smile whenever I see it. Chris Brass, Bury FC's assistant manager, don't you know, attempts an overhead clearance against Darlington and breaks his own nose as he spectacularly fails to clear his defences. The fact the ball ends up in the back of his own net is a priceless bonus to what is already a brilliant clip.

Chris, we salute you. We're not laughing at you - as hapless amateur footballers ourselves, we're laughing with you.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Jeremie Aliadiere for Middlesbrough (v Sheffield Wednesday), 15 September 2009

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

6. "They've Never Heard Chris Rea."

I can almost see the pitch at Sky Sports HQ now.

"Yes, I know we haven't got any live football that we can show on Saturday afternoon. But, what we can do is ask four ex-professional footballers to watch the games for us, and explain to us what's happening. Yes, someone like Charlie Nicholas. Well, I appreciate that it's a bit like you reading a classic work of literature and giving me one sentence per chapter about what's going on, but I think it can work. Jeff Stelling. Yeah, you know who I mean. Off of the darts. And a videprinter with all the latest scores...."

Oddly, it works. And it has made Soccer Saturday a sporting institution in this country, and a star of its charismatic host, Jeff Stelling. There are numerous Stelling clips we could have chosen, but this particular homage to the fine Teeside city of Middlesbrough is possibly his finest hour, if just for the part of his defence of the city that "Journey South come from there...."

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Lee Sharpe for England (v Germany), 3 May 2006

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Footballing Moments

7. "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."

Rewind to May 2006 and a balmy night at the Madjeski Stadium. Two teams of ex-footballers, celebrities and other stars had turned out for a light-hearted charity match to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund bowel cancer charity and the Red Cross. Celebrities including Richard Ashcroft, Alec Stewart, Nigel Benn and Sean Bean all represented England in an entertaining 4-2 win for Germany.

The highlight of the evening for everyone (bar ex-German star Maurizio Gardino) was a ten minute cameo for London mayor Boris Johnson who took his position on the left side of midfield. His one and only contribution to the game was one of the most hilariously crude challenges the footballing world has ever seen. In a move that makes Harald Schumacher look 'a bit milky' England's number 10 utterly cleans out the German midfielder leading to some calming words from Ray Wilkins (who never tackled anyone, of course) and some reaction from the German bench.

Defending his, er, 'tackle', Bozza said, "I'm a rugby player really and I knew I was going to get to him and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice in my actions. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."


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Monday, September 14, 2009

Shane Cansdell-Sheriff for Macclesfield Town (v Shrewsbury Town), 1 March 2009

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

8. "A Match Already Being Described As 'On This Sunday'"

It would be fair to say that Sky Sports are prone to a little bit of over-enthusiasm about their range of live football. Their 'Grand Slam Sunday' was my particular favourite, considering football doesn't have a 'grand slam' and that whoever triumphed in such an event would have to presumably win four matches in different parts of the world at different times of the year.

Anyway, this hyperbole didn't escape the comic genius of Robert Webb and David Mitchell whose Sky Sports parody is not only funny but also alarmingly closely echoes the satellite broadcaster's output.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Blaise N'Kufo for FC Twente (v RKC Waalwijk), 23 August 2009

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 Football Moments

9. Schteeeeeeve McLaren talks jibberish

No-one really blamed Steve McLaren for moving abroad after the wally-brolly failure of England to qualify for Euro 2008. In a path trodden by his one of his predecessors, Bobby Robson, the ex-England boss ran to the relative safety of the Eredivisie after his international experiences to take charge of little known FC Twente.

He didn't half pick up the lingo quickly, mind. Or, some would say, "not at all". My dad, when he lived in Spain, believed that all he had to do to get himself understood was to add an 'a' to the end of every English word. Schteeeeeve's language coach when he moved to the Netherlands appears to have been the Swedish Chef as this amazingly odd lilting Dutch pisstake shows.

"We're not what you call "underdogs", he says. Now then. No, Schteeve, you're what we call 'underdogs', surely. The Dutch presumably call it something else. In Dutch, perhaps.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Robbie Fowler for Manchester City (v Norwich City), 28 February 2005

Right, it's time to start making this place fun and interesting again *cough*. So, without further ado, a brand new CUAS series....

Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments

10. Delia Has Too Many Gins

Ah, Delia Smith. She's the UK's best selling cookery author, you know, having shifted a whopping eighteen million units. Talking of eighteen million units, that was also her vodka intake before the half-time break in a home match against Manchester City in 2005.

Somewhat the worse for a few shandies, the Canaries chairman decided to rouse the home support in a rather un-Delia-esque way. She grabbed the microphone from the club announcer and began pleading with the Carrow Road faithful to show a bit of support for their team....

The resulting footage is absolutely brilliant, and also gave rise to one of the best away chants I have heard in recent years. When the Chelsea faithful arrived later that same season they compared their respective chairmen thus:

"We've got Abramovich, you've got a drunken bitch...."


It hasn't stopped the posh cook getting an OBE and a CBE though. Heigh-ho. Anyway, enjoy. I particularly like the bit when her drunken stupor makes her pronounce football in a rather Germanic way....

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Robert Earnshaw for Nottingham Forest (vs Southampton), 3rd May 2009

Robert Earnshaw: in need of a trim, if not a new car

When it comes to haircuts, nature has long since ensured that I need opt for nothing more expensive than a trip to the local barber for a simple buzz job. A trip to Tony & Guy would be not only a needless extravagance, but also a complete waste of time. No, for my "number 1 all over", I merely have to pop round the corner to a barber on the Melton Road for a no-nonsense clipper job that costs me the princely sum of £4.

I'm not usually one for gossiping with my hairdresser - I'm hardly in there long enough - but this Friday, in the course of a conversation about Brian Clough, "The Damned Utd" and Nottingham Forest in general, my "stylist" told me the following anecdote:

Apparently, earlier that day, a young lad had come into the shop for a haircut. Upon being asked what he did, this young lad said that he was student at Nottingham Trent University. Oh yes, when do you start back for the new term then? Not until the middle of October, he replied. The barber said he thought that this was a bit late for term to be starting, but he didn't think anything more of it, finished the haircut and charged the young man £3.60 for a standard haircut minus the 10% student discount. The young man paid up, walked out of the shop and climbed straight into a brand spanking new, top-of-the-line Range Rover and drove off.

"You do know who that was, don't you?" Asked the barber's colleague.
"Robert Earnshaw"

Now, my immediate reaction upon hearing this story was to marvel at the fact that an international footballer was down to earth enough to have a £4 haircut. This was pretty quickly overtaken by a feeling of astonishment that a footballer, the subject of several multi-million pound transfer deals and the likely recipient of a salary in excess of £10,000 per week had saved himself 40p on a haircut by pretending to be a student. If he's on £10k a week, that's about 15 seconds work.

"And what's more, he didn't leave a tip either" marvelled my barber, ruefully. "Next time he comes in, I'm charging him £70 and telling him there's been a price rise".

What's the world coming to, eh?

I can take a hint though, so I paid for my haircut with a fiver and told him to keep the change.