Tuncay Sanli for Stoke City (v Manchester United), 24 October 2010

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 6

"Tun-shy-y, hush hush, eye to eye?"

Emmanuel Adebayor for Manchester City (v Birmingham City), 11 April 2010

From The Daily Telegraph:

"Manchester City have given a trial to the son of one of the former stars of The A-Team, the hit 1980's television show.

Roland Benedict, whose father, Dirk, played Templeton 'Faceman' Peck in the programme, has been training with City's development squad over the past week. Benedict Jr has played for Gillingham's reserve team , and had trials at Southend United, although the prospects of the 20-year-old striker working his way into City's 'A-Team' are remote."

Andres Iniesta for Spain (v Netherlands), 11 July 2010

From Bill Chilton in today's Fiver.

"I was on a date last night and my companion asked me if I wanted to 'go Dutch' on a restaurant bill. So I raked my studs down her chest, harangued the maître d' and then left in tears...."

Gelson Fernandes for Switzerland (v Spain), 16 June 2010

Footballers Names Mrs LB Has Misheard During Commentary: Part 5

I knew the World Cup would be great for these....

"Did he just say his name was Chavvy? How unfortunate..."

Inca for Sol de America (v Olimpia), 16 May 2010

There are ways to save your club from relegation...and there are ways to save your club from relegation.

With 10 minutes to go and the scores 1-1, Sol de America badly needed three points to stave off the threat of relegation against title chasing Olimpia. So, up stepped Inca and blasted this astonishing free-kick into the roof of the net...from the centre circle.

Madness.

Bryan Ruiz for FC Twente (v NAC Breda), 2 May 2010

The Dutch Eredivisie Review on ESPN has become one of the 'must watch' TV programmes in my household on a weekly basis. I don't know quite what it is that endears me to Dutch football ahead of watching, say, the Bundesliga or La Liga, but watching promising players on the way up (and some geniuses on the way down) is somehow more interesting that watching household names at the peak of their powers.

This season has been terrific, and it culminated yesterday in a deserved first ever league triumph for little FC Twente, under the stewardship of Steve McLaren. It's difficult to oversell the job that McLaren has done at Twente, guiding one of the league's smallest sides (their Grolsch Veste stadium holds just 24,000) to the title. Twente were broke as recently as a decade ago, and even last season after their record second place finish they still had to sell their best stars to keep afloat.

Twente's 2-0 win at NAC Breda is their first ever league title and guarantees the club a spot in the Champions League group stage. I suppose a comparison would be St Johnstone winning the SPL title, or perhaps Fulham winning the Premier League.

A word of praise also for Martin Jol's Ajax who ended up just a point behind Twente with an astonishing goal difference of +86. I fully expected PSV to be Dutch champions this season, and so for both sides to eclipse Fred Rutten's side is a great achievement.

Alan Shearer for England (v Switzerland), 8 June 1996

Never has the phrase 'cheer up Alan Shearer' been more appropriate.

Small Talk Interview

Clarke Carlisle for Burnley (v Bristol City), 22 September 2007

In a week where all we have heard about footballers is how much they enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves to glamour models and how they think nothing of having it away with a teammates girlfriend (thanks, by the way, JT - now we don't have an experienced, fit left back for the World Cup), here's proof that not all Premier League stars are complete fuckwits.

Clarke Carlisle, the Burnley defender, has become the first top flight player to win an edition of Countdown. We at CUAS salute you, Clarke, for reminding everyone that there are one or two footballers out there who do have a brain....

Martin Peters for England (v West Germany), 30 July 1066

England are 11/2 to win the World Cup in 2010.

However, they are 6/1 to be runners-up.

I don't understand why the bookies have it so that it's more likely that England will win the World Cup than be runners-up. Why would that be? It's more likely that we win the Final than lose it? Eh?

John Terry for Chelsea (v Burnley), 30 January 2010

I don't much care what he's done in his private life, if I am honest.

However, if you are going to use this sort of personal branding - "British sporting hero", "England's football captain" and "Dad of the Year 2008" in an attempt to obtain lucrative commercial endorsement contracts, then I'm pretty sure that means we're entitled to read all about your sordid exploits in the tabloid papers.

Anyway we should replace Terry as captain with someone with more moral fibre. Rio Ferdinand (drugs), Glen Johnson (stealing a bog seat from B&Q), Steven Gerrard (alleged assault), Rooney (shagging grannies), Ashley Cole (alleged allsorts), Frank Lampard (oh, he shagged someone and left his wife, didn't he?), David Beckham (oops), Ashley Young (chatroom nakedness).....

ahem.

Wayne Rooney for Manchester Utd (v Manchester City), 27 January 2009

Wayne Rooney on England's recent friendly defeat to Brazil in this month's FourFourTwo magazine:

"We're in exactly the same place we were before Doha. We've qualified well and people should remember that in the friendlies we've played Spain, Germany, Holland, Brazil, four of the top five in the world. France as well."

Hmmm. Let me recall those results.

France 1-0 England
Spain 2-0 England
Holland 2-2 England
Germany 1-2 England
Brazil 1-0 England

Not a *stunning* record, is it, Wayne?

Sol Campbell for Arsenal (v Barcelona), 17 May 2006

Look, it writes itself. Nowt to do with me.

Ronaldo for Brazil (v Germany), 30 June 2002

There are lots of betting markets and discussions flying about already as to who will play who in the latter stages of the 2010 World Cup.

For example, I was involved in a discussion the other day with someone who was convinced England would lose to Portugal in the quarter finals in South Africa. I was pretty sure I was right, and I checked my schedule to make sure. England can't actually meet Portugal in the quarter finals, irrespective of where the two finish in Group C and Group G respectively.

Similarly, assuming Germany and Spain win their respective groups (they should do) then they can't meet in the World Cup Final. And yet, it's a 22/1 chance that they will be the two finalists when it is 25/1 that Germany will meet Brazil in the Final, which is perfectly plausible based on the draw.

Anyway, the moral is this: do your research.

(my tip, for what it's worth, is Brazil v Italy at 22/1. And, if Brazil or Spain don't win their group, they'll meet as early as the last sixteen. Eeeek.)

Elvis Kafoteka for Malawi (v Algeria), 11 January 2010

Malawi v Algeria, African Cup of Nations in numbers

Algeria goals: 0

Malawi wins at the African Cup of Nations before this game: 0

Number of people in the crowd at Angola's National Stadium: approx 30

Number of Algerians who represent Portsmouth: 2

Chances of Algeria beating England at World Cup 2010 on this performance: 0

Amount of money I lost from Algeria failing to turn up and being soundly beaten by a hopeless Malawi team who have never won a match in this competition before and despite having one of those comedy African goalkeepers who doesn't look like he has ever played football before: £5

Marco Materazzi for Italy (v France), 9 July 2006

Help!

As part of my actual job these days, I have to come up with literally dozens of ideas of articles I can write about the 2010 World Cup.

Not for June, but to write them now.

Examples:

Why Spain Won't Win The World Cup
Will There Be A South American Winner?
Top England Goalscorer
England Stage of Elimination

and so on, and so on. The more ideas I come up with, the more articles I can write and the more I will be paid.

I'd really appreciate any ideas that anyone has - editorial or otherwise - on as limited or wide a topic as possible. Bear in mind that the list on my desk now includes things like 'Australia's Top World Cup Goalscorer' and you can see how desperate I am.

Thanks, my lovely CUAS reader(s).