Thursday, September 01, 2011

Scott Parker for West Ham (vs Liverpool), 27th January 2011

How transfer deadline day came to pass.....

Premier League Executive#1: This is DISASTROUS: we’re three weeks into the season and we’ve already hit the deathly hallows. There’s no European games this week, no Premier League games for two weeks and - WORST OF ALL – England are playing a qualifier.

Premier League Executive#2: Shit. England are playing? We’re haemorrhaging fans! We’re THE GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD. We can’t afford to have coverage in the media drop below absolute saturation level. 5Live are actually going to be talking about world conflict if we’re not careful. THIS WILL NOT STAND. What can we do?

Premier League Executive#1: Hmm. We need something that will keep people’s attention in this arid time for football; something that will make them sit up and talk FOOTBALL; something that will flood the newspapers and airwaves with pointless chatter, opinion and ill-informed speculation from overweight ex-pros and failed managers….

Premier League Executive#2: Like in the summer when the endless, empty, football-less hours are filled with made-up transfer rumours?

Premier League Executive#1: YES. Only crammed into a smaller period to make all of the inane babble come together into a focused crescendo of climactic excitement brought about by an artificial deadline. BIGGER AND BETTER.

Premier League Executive#2: You mean….?

Premier League Executive#1: YES. TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY. We could artificially and pointlessly force teams into panic purchases. Imagine the excitement!

Premier League Executive#2: [gasps] We could interview Harry Redknapp LIVE from the window of his car at the Tottenham training ground!

Premier League Executive#1: Think of the product sponsorship opportunities. How many fax machines could we sell off the back of this?

Premier League Executive#2: We’d have rolling coverage on all media outlets for DAYS. WE NEED THIS COVERAGE MORE THAN WE NEED OXYGEN. WITHOUT IT WE WILL SURELY WITHER AND DIE. Fuck La Liga. We need a BIGGER and BETTER transfer deadline day.

Premier League Executive#1: It’s what Sky Sports News was created for. GET ME JIM WHITE ON THE PHONE. NOW!

Jim White: …. LOUD NOISES! We’ve just heard from Andy in Barnet who has a friend who works in Heathrow who has texted him to say that he’s just seen Andres Iniesta in a Brighton shirt on his way towards the South Coast wearing a kiss me quick hat……

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