Wayne Rooney on England's recent friendly defeat to Brazil in this month's FourFourTwo magazine:
"We're in exactly the same place we were before Doha. We've qualified well and people should remember that in the friendlies we've played Spain, Germany, Holland, Brazil, four of the top five in the world. France as well."
Hmmm. Let me recall those results.
France 1-0 England
Spain 2-0 England
Holland 2-2 England
Germany 1-2 England
Brazil 1-0 England
Not a *stunning* record, is it, Wayne?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ronaldo for Brazil (v Germany), 30 June 2002
There are lots of betting markets and discussions flying about already as to who will play who in the latter stages of the 2010 World Cup.
For example, I was involved in a discussion the other day with someone who was convinced England would lose to Portugal in the quarter finals in South Africa. I was pretty sure I was right, and I checked my schedule to make sure. England can't actually meet Portugal in the quarter finals, irrespective of where the two finish in Group C and Group G respectively.
Similarly, assuming Germany and Spain win their respective groups (they should do) then they can't meet in the World Cup Final. And yet, it's a 22/1 chance that they will be the two finalists when it is 25/1 that Germany will meet Brazil in the Final, which is perfectly plausible based on the draw.
Anyway, the moral is this: do your research.
(my tip, for what it's worth, is Brazil v Italy at 22/1. And, if Brazil or Spain don't win their group, they'll meet as early as the last sixteen. Eeeek.)
For example, I was involved in a discussion the other day with someone who was convinced England would lose to Portugal in the quarter finals in South Africa. I was pretty sure I was right, and I checked my schedule to make sure. England can't actually meet Portugal in the quarter finals, irrespective of where the two finish in Group C and Group G respectively.
Similarly, assuming Germany and Spain win their respective groups (they should do) then they can't meet in the World Cup Final. And yet, it's a 22/1 chance that they will be the two finalists when it is 25/1 that Germany will meet Brazil in the Final, which is perfectly plausible based on the draw.
Anyway, the moral is this: do your research.
(my tip, for what it's worth, is Brazil v Italy at 22/1. And, if Brazil or Spain don't win their group, they'll meet as early as the last sixteen. Eeeek.)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Elvis Kafoteka for Malawi (v Algeria), 11 January 2010
Malawi v Algeria, African Cup of Nations in numbers
Algeria goals: 0
Malawi wins at the African Cup of Nations before this game: 0
Number of people in the crowd at Angola's National Stadium: approx 30
Number of Algerians who represent Portsmouth: 2
Chances of Algeria beating England at World Cup 2010 on this performance: 0
Amount of money I lost from Algeria failing to turn up and being soundly beaten by a hopeless Malawi team who have never won a match in this competition before and despite having one of those comedy African goalkeepers who doesn't look like he has ever played football before: £5
Algeria goals: 0
Malawi wins at the African Cup of Nations before this game: 0
Number of people in the crowd at Angola's National Stadium: approx 30
Number of Algerians who represent Portsmouth: 2
Chances of Algeria beating England at World Cup 2010 on this performance: 0
Amount of money I lost from Algeria failing to turn up and being soundly beaten by a hopeless Malawi team who have never won a match in this competition before and despite having one of those comedy African goalkeepers who doesn't look like he has ever played football before: £5
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Marco Materazzi for Italy (v France), 9 July 2006
Help!
As part of my actual job these days, I have to come up with literally dozens of ideas of articles I can write about the 2010 World Cup.
Not for June, but to write them now.
Examples:
Why Spain Won't Win The World Cup
Will There Be A South American Winner?
Top England Goalscorer
England Stage of Elimination
and so on, and so on. The more ideas I come up with, the more articles I can write and the more I will be paid.
I'd really appreciate any ideas that anyone has - editorial or otherwise - on as limited or wide a topic as possible. Bear in mind that the list on my desk now includes things like 'Australia's Top World Cup Goalscorer' and you can see how desperate I am.
Thanks, my lovely CUAS reader(s).
As part of my actual job these days, I have to come up with literally dozens of ideas of articles I can write about the 2010 World Cup.
Not for June, but to write them now.
Examples:
Why Spain Won't Win The World Cup
Will There Be A South American Winner?
Top England Goalscorer
England Stage of Elimination
and so on, and so on. The more ideas I come up with, the more articles I can write and the more I will be paid.
I'd really appreciate any ideas that anyone has - editorial or otherwise - on as limited or wide a topic as possible. Bear in mind that the list on my desk now includes things like 'Australia's Top World Cup Goalscorer' and you can see how desperate I am.
Thanks, my lovely CUAS reader(s).
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Dalibor Stevanovič for Vitesse (v AZ Alkmaar), 6 December 2009
Those of you who have read CUAS for a long while will know of my amusement at the continued managerial failures of ex-Holland international Ronald Koeman.
Today, entirely unsurprisingly, Koeman has been sacked by Dutch champions AZ Alkmaar after just sixteen matches of the 2009/10 season. Their 2-1 home defeat to Vitesse was the final straw and Koeman leaves the champions sixteen points behind league leaders FC Twente (eleven straight league wins for Steve McLaren's side, by the way).
After his disastrous spell at Valencia and a less than brilliant previous career surely no-one will employ him now. Will they?
(this is my third "Koeman is s**t" post, by the way. I fear there will be more....)
Today, entirely unsurprisingly, Koeman has been sacked by Dutch champions AZ Alkmaar after just sixteen matches of the 2009/10 season. Their 2-1 home defeat to Vitesse was the final straw and Koeman leaves the champions sixteen points behind league leaders FC Twente (eleven straight league wins for Steve McLaren's side, by the way).
After his disastrous spell at Valencia and a less than brilliant previous career surely no-one will employ him now. Will they?
(this is my third "Koeman is s**t" post, by the way. I fear there will be more....)
Saturday, December 05, 2009
David Beckham for Los Angeles Galaxy (v Toronto FC), 20 September 2009
During the run-up to the World Cup draw yesterday, Mark Lawrenson was talking about what David Beckham brings to the England team. He was babbling on about his confidence and coolness in TV interviews.
"These days", said the pundit, "what happens off-field at the World Cup is important as what happens on it."
That's not *strictly* true, is it, Lawro?
"These days", said the pundit, "what happens off-field at the World Cup is important as what happens on it."
That's not *strictly* true, is it, Lawro?
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Robbie Keane for Republic of Ireland (v France), 18 November 2009
True story.At the rehearsal for the World Cup draw yesterday, Charlize Theron pulled out the ball for "France" and said "Ireland".
Heh heh heh.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
William Gallas for France (v Republic of Ireland), 18 November 2009
Hmmm. Having looked at it a few times, it really was quite horribly blatant, wasn't it?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Bixente Lizarazu for France (v Saudi Arabia), 19 June 1998
Bixente Lizarazu. 97 Caps for France, one World Cup winners medal, one European Championships medal, one Champions League winners medal and six Bundesliga titles.
Did you know that he is also the current European jiu-jitsu champion in the under 76kg category for blue belts aged 35-40?
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Dimitar Berbatov for Manchester Utd (vs Blackburn Rovers), 31st October 2009
[this is a cross-post from here, but it's making me really angry and it seems relevant to include it here too....apologies]
---
There's a bit in Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" where Captain Black runs something he calls the "Glorious Loyalty Oath Campaign", where everyone in the squadron finds themselves forced to sign oaths pledging their loyalty in order to get absolutely anything or everything:
"Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that "The Star-Spangled Banner," one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again"
Of course, anyone refusing to sign one of these oaths is immediately branded as somehow being disloyal to their country, to their flag and to their cause:
"Without realizing how it had come about, the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other. When they voiced objection, Captain Black replied that people who were loyal would not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they had to. To anyone who questioned the effectiveness of the loyalty oaths, he replied that people who really did owe allegiance to their country would be proud to pledge it as often as he forced them to."
Captain Black's rival, Major Major, is actively prevented from signing any of these oaths, even if he wanted to:
Thus does Joseph Heller neatly skewer empty patriotism.
I was reminded of this when reading about the Daily Mail's latest campaign to try and get every Premier League football club to display a poppy on their matchday shirts during November.
As a result of their bullying, there are now only three of the twenty clubs holding out: Liverpool, Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers. As a spokesman for Manchester Utd not unreasonably said:
"We don’t think it’s particularly necessary. We sell poppies around the ground and all our officials wear them and we work with Armed Forces charities in a lot of other ways throughout the year."
Not good enough, apparently, and the Mail is continuing to try to bully them into changing their minds. Obviously, their readers are full of considered opinions on the subject. Here's lazzruss:
"Yes Yes Yes!!! It is beyond my capacity to put into words how this 'government' has ruined our once Great Britain by sytematically [sic] attacking our spiritual and historical heritage and culture and we have had enough! Banning poppies is the final insult to our nation as this shows a complete disregard and contempt for our Glorious Dead who gave everything including their very lives for the sake of the future of our Nation and every football team owes them their success and privileges - to display a simple poppy proudly on their shirts should be a moral imperative for anyone who loves our Country and what we (not the inept and shameful Labour Government) stand for."
Let's leave aside the fact that the majority of the players in the Premier League aren't even English, eh? Why let that get in the way of a good rant about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
Um, perhaps it's a statement of the obvious, but if you try to force people to wear a poppy, aren't you restricting our freedom to choose not to wear one? Isn't that the same freedom that "our Glorious Dead' fought for? Like it or not, that's the same freedom that allows a student to get so paralytically drunk that he urinated on a war memorial in Sheffield. Not very nice, for sure, but surely more a story about binge drinking than it is about any calculated disrespect for the dead, whatever the Daily Mail try to make of the story (flogging too good for him, naturally).
This "Poppy fascism" seems to be everywhere at the moment. Apparently the BBC are under pressure because the dancers on "Strictly..." weren't wearing poppies last week. All of the judges were, but none of the dancers. Not good enough, apparently, as everyone on the X-Factor was wearing one.... The BBC initially (and not very bravely) hid behind "Health & Safety issues" as the reason why the dancers weren't wearing poppies, but have now apparently changed their minds in the face of all this public outrage.
Where does this oneupmanship and assumed moral authority stop? Why are we only displaying our poppies for a couple of weeks of November? Does that mean we're being disrespectful and unpatriotic for the other 50 weeks of the year? Should we all be dyeing our hair red and tattooing poppies onto our cheeks so we can be displaying our gratitude and support for the sacrifices made on our behalf every single day of the year?
Of course, you can trust the good old Guardian for an alternative view, and Marina Hyde today has a good rant about this "phony poppy apoplexy":
"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle. Then accept the fact that media campaigns to foreground the poppies that are not being worn, as opposed to the ones that are, serve not as a memorial to the sacrifices made on our behalf, but as a reminder of our hard-wired one‑upmanship and infinite capacity to find ways to divide ourselves."
The commentators are even more strident:
"Forced wearing of the poppy to commemorate a fight against tyranny? Britain seems to get sillier and sillier, and more and more irrelevant every week."
One takes the trouble to remind everyone of the Daily Mail's support of the Nazis in the 1930s, when they praised Oswald Mosley ("Hurrah for the Blackshirts") for his "sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine", and the proprietor of the paper, the Viscount Rothermere, visited and corresponded with Hitler, culminating, on 1 October 1938, when Rothermere sent Hitler a telegram in support of Germany's invasion of the Sudetenland, and expressing the hope that 'Adolf the Great' would become a popular figure in Britain.
They don't talk about that so much, do they? Why am I now uncomfortably reminded of people being forced to wear pink triangles and yellow stars?
It seems that the spirit of Captain Black is alive and well and still busily hunting out people who won't sign his loyalty oaths.
"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you?"
Is that the Daily Mail's motto?
---
There's a bit in Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" where Captain Black runs something he calls the "Glorious Loyalty Oath Campaign", where everyone in the squadron finds themselves forced to sign oaths pledging their loyalty in order to get absolutely anything or everything:
"Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that "The Star-Spangled Banner," one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again"
Of course, anyone refusing to sign one of these oaths is immediately branded as somehow being disloyal to their country, to their flag and to their cause:
"Without realizing how it had come about, the combat men in the squadron discovered themselves dominated by the administrators appointed to serve them. They were bullied, insulted, harassed and shoved about all day long by one after the other. When they voiced objection, Captain Black replied that people who were loyal would not mind signing all the loyalty oaths they had to. To anyone who questioned the effectiveness of the loyalty oaths, he replied that people who really did owe allegiance to their country would be proud to pledge it as often as he forced them to."
Captain Black's rival, Major Major, is actively prevented from signing any of these oaths, even if he wanted to:
"What makes you so sure Major Major is a Communist?"
"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you? And you don't see him signing any of our loyalty oaths."
"You aren't letting him sign any."
"Of course not," Captain Black explained. "That would defeat the whole purpose of our crusade".Thus does Joseph Heller neatly skewer empty patriotism.
I was reminded of this when reading about the Daily Mail's latest campaign to try and get every Premier League football club to display a poppy on their matchday shirts during November.
As a result of their bullying, there are now only three of the twenty clubs holding out: Liverpool, Manchester United and Bolton Wanderers. As a spokesman for Manchester Utd not unreasonably said:
"We don’t think it’s particularly necessary. We sell poppies around the ground and all our officials wear them and we work with Armed Forces charities in a lot of other ways throughout the year."
Not good enough, apparently, and the Mail is continuing to try to bully them into changing their minds. Obviously, their readers are full of considered opinions on the subject. Here's lazzruss:
"Yes Yes Yes!!! It is beyond my capacity to put into words how this 'government' has ruined our once Great Britain by sytematically [sic] attacking our spiritual and historical heritage and culture and we have had enough! Banning poppies is the final insult to our nation as this shows a complete disregard and contempt for our Glorious Dead who gave everything including their very lives for the sake of the future of our Nation and every football team owes them their success and privileges - to display a simple poppy proudly on their shirts should be a moral imperative for anyone who loves our Country and what we (not the inept and shameful Labour Government) stand for."
Let's leave aside the fact that the majority of the players in the Premier League aren't even English, eh? Why let that get in the way of a good rant about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
Um, perhaps it's a statement of the obvious, but if you try to force people to wear a poppy, aren't you restricting our freedom to choose not to wear one? Isn't that the same freedom that "our Glorious Dead' fought for? Like it or not, that's the same freedom that allows a student to get so paralytically drunk that he urinated on a war memorial in Sheffield. Not very nice, for sure, but surely more a story about binge drinking than it is about any calculated disrespect for the dead, whatever the Daily Mail try to make of the story (flogging too good for him, naturally).
This "Poppy fascism" seems to be everywhere at the moment. Apparently the BBC are under pressure because the dancers on "Strictly..." weren't wearing poppies last week. All of the judges were, but none of the dancers. Not good enough, apparently, as everyone on the X-Factor was wearing one.... The BBC initially (and not very bravely) hid behind "Health & Safety issues" as the reason why the dancers weren't wearing poppies, but have now apparently changed their minds in the face of all this public outrage.
Where does this oneupmanship and assumed moral authority stop? Why are we only displaying our poppies for a couple of weeks of November? Does that mean we're being disrespectful and unpatriotic for the other 50 weeks of the year? Should we all be dyeing our hair red and tattooing poppies onto our cheeks so we can be displaying our gratitude and support for the sacrifices made on our behalf every single day of the year?
Of course, you can trust the good old Guardian for an alternative view, and Marina Hyde today has a good rant about this "phony poppy apoplexy":
"So on Saturday, know that every late challenge, every sending-off, will be in the memory of those who fell in battle. Then accept the fact that media campaigns to foreground the poppies that are not being worn, as opposed to the ones that are, serve not as a memorial to the sacrifices made on our behalf, but as a reminder of our hard-wired one‑upmanship and infinite capacity to find ways to divide ourselves."
The commentators are even more strident:
"Forced wearing of the poppy to commemorate a fight against tyranny? Britain seems to get sillier and sillier, and more and more irrelevant every week."
One takes the trouble to remind everyone of the Daily Mail's support of the Nazis in the 1930s, when they praised Oswald Mosley ("Hurrah for the Blackshirts") for his "sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine", and the proprietor of the paper, the Viscount Rothermere, visited and corresponded with Hitler, culminating, on 1 October 1938, when Rothermere sent Hitler a telegram in support of Germany's invasion of the Sudetenland, and expressing the hope that 'Adolf the Great' would become a popular figure in Britain.
They don't talk about that so much, do they? Why am I now uncomfortably reminded of people being forced to wear pink triangles and yellow stars?
It seems that the spirit of Captain Black is alive and well and still busily hunting out people who won't sign his loyalty oaths.
"You never heard him denying it until we began accusing him, did you?"
Is that the Daily Mail's motto?
Monday, October 26, 2009
John Goossens for NEC Nijmegen (v ADO Den Haag), 17 October 2009
101 Great Goals #34 - John Goossens
It's not very often that my adopted Dutch club, NEC Nijmegen, appear above the radar. They are the very definition of 'mid table mediocrity' - sitting in the middle of the Eredivisie every single year, doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.
To include a goal that earned them a 1-1 home draw against ADO Den Haag also sounds like the dullest thing in the world, but this particular piece of brilliance from ex-Ajax kid John Goossens deserves to shine a light on the club...if only very briefly.
It's not very often that my adopted Dutch club, NEC Nijmegen, appear above the radar. They are the very definition of 'mid table mediocrity' - sitting in the middle of the Eredivisie every single year, doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.
To include a goal that earned them a 1-1 home draw against ADO Den Haag also sounds like the dullest thing in the world, but this particular piece of brilliance from ex-Ajax kid John Goossens deserves to shine a light on the club...if only very briefly.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Cesar Delgado for Lyon (v Liverpool), 20 October 2009
I can't believe the reaction to Rubin Kazan beating Barcelona in the Champions League. Rubin are the strongest side in a very tough and high quality Russian league and, as Zenit have shown in recent seasons, Russian club sides should be a force to be reckoned with in European football.
It's not as if the team that finished third in the weak French league went to a multiple European champions and won, is it?
Eh?
Oh.
It's not as if the team that finished third in the weak French league went to a multiple European champions and won, is it?
Eh?
Oh.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Darren Bent for Sunderland (v Liverpool), 17 October 2009
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
1. Goooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllll
It would be fair to say that Kelvin Koogan's 'love it!' rant on Sky was our nailed on Number One clip when we sat down to formulate this list. That was, however, until I was sent this cfootage.
It's impossible for me to add any insightful commentary or analysis to this clip. It is just one of those glorious, perfectly bizarre things that happens on a football pitch sometimes.
We hope you've enjoyed our countdown as much as we enjoyed compiling it, and we'll leave you with a goal of the most sparkling quality....from the most unlikely of sources.
1. Goooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllll
It would be fair to say that Kelvin Koogan's 'love it!' rant on Sky was our nailed on Number One clip when we sat down to formulate this list. That was, however, until I was sent this cfootage.
It's impossible for me to add any insightful commentary or analysis to this clip. It is just one of those glorious, perfectly bizarre things that happens on a football pitch sometimes.
We hope you've enjoyed our countdown as much as we enjoyed compiling it, and we'll leave you with a goal of the most sparkling quality....from the most unlikely of sources.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Keith Gillespie for Newcastle United (v Leeds United), 29 April 1996
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
2. "You Can Tell Him Now - He'll Be Watching It....."
I doubt there's anyone outside the Newcastle United community who would deny that this now infamous television interview deserves its place in the annals of TV footballing folklore. It's football at its rawest - the very public display of a man fraying at the seams under the most intense pressure.
Lest we forget, the story goes back to the title run-in in 1996 when Sir Alex Ferguson accused Leeds United of 'helping' Newcastle to the title by not trying during their league game. Ferguson believed that teams tried harder against his United side than they did against Keegan's Geordies.
When interviewed for Monday Night Football directly after a 1-0 victory at Elland Road, Keegan seemed desperate to control his emotions before instead melting down in one of the most celebrated moments of the Premiership age. When Richard Keys asked if Ferguson's comments were 'part and parcel of the psychological battle' his response was, well - you know what his response was, right?
Oh, and Newcastle drew their next two matches and Manchester United won the title. If you needed reminding....
2. "You Can Tell Him Now - He'll Be Watching It....."
I doubt there's anyone outside the Newcastle United community who would deny that this now infamous television interview deserves its place in the annals of TV footballing folklore. It's football at its rawest - the very public display of a man fraying at the seams under the most intense pressure.
Lest we forget, the story goes back to the title run-in in 1996 when Sir Alex Ferguson accused Leeds United of 'helping' Newcastle to the title by not trying during their league game. Ferguson believed that teams tried harder against his United side than they did against Keegan's Geordies.
When interviewed for Monday Night Football directly after a 1-0 victory at Elland Road, Keegan seemed desperate to control his emotions before instead melting down in one of the most celebrated moments of the Premiership age. When Richard Keys asked if Ferguson's comments were 'part and parcel of the psychological battle' his response was, well - you know what his response was, right?
Oh, and Newcastle drew their next two matches and Manchester United won the title. If you needed reminding....
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Jairzinho for Brazil (v Zaire), 22 June 1974
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
3. Ilunga Mwepu
No disrespect to the intelligent, knowledgeable CUAS readership here, but I bet there's hardly any of you who know who Ilunga Mwepu is.
In the 1970s he played his club football for TP Mazembe and he now lives in Malta, where he is an assistant coach in the Adelaide Cini Championship with Girgenti Athletic.
Still no idea?
Right. Well, the clip we've chosen was selected at #17 in a Channel Four poll of the "All Time Best World Cup Moments" (quite how it was so lowly when it's our favourite World Cup moment, I am not sure).
If I were to say that he played right-back for Zaire in the 1974 World Cup, would that make things clearer?
Yes, he's that fella.
Brazil were awarded a free-kick about thirty yards from goal in their 1974 World Cup group match. Having ordered the defensive wall, the referee blew the whistle so the Brazilians could take the kick, but on hearing the whistle Ilunga came steaming out of the wall and lashed the ball down the other end of the field. To say it was a rather basic ignorance of the law would be an understatement, and his bemusement at receiving a yellow card only underlined how little he must have known about the rules.
Brazil went on to win the match 3-0, but Ilunga's genius will live forever.
I *love* this clip.
3. Ilunga Mwepu
No disrespect to the intelligent, knowledgeable CUAS readership here, but I bet there's hardly any of you who know who Ilunga Mwepu is.
In the 1970s he played his club football for TP Mazembe and he now lives in Malta, where he is an assistant coach in the Adelaide Cini Championship with Girgenti Athletic.
Still no idea?
Right. Well, the clip we've chosen was selected at #17 in a Channel Four poll of the "All Time Best World Cup Moments" (quite how it was so lowly when it's our favourite World Cup moment, I am not sure).
If I were to say that he played right-back for Zaire in the 1974 World Cup, would that make things clearer?
Yes, he's that fella.
Brazil were awarded a free-kick about thirty yards from goal in their 1974 World Cup group match. Having ordered the defensive wall, the referee blew the whistle so the Brazilians could take the kick, but on hearing the whistle Ilunga came steaming out of the wall and lashed the ball down the other end of the field. To say it was a rather basic ignorance of the law would be an understatement, and his bemusement at receiving a yellow card only underlined how little he must have known about the rules.
Brazil went on to win the match 3-0, but Ilunga's genius will live forever.
I *love* this clip.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Ashley Cole for Chelsea (v Tottenham Hotspur), 20 September 2009
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
4. All The Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
John Motson is 64, you know. If you'd ask me, mind, I'd have said that due to his increasingly inconsistent commentary he was nearer 75. We love a bit of Motty, but he's been gradually losing the plot as he has aged, and his increasingly hyperbolic commentary has led me to race into my living room at many a time only for someone to have won a boring corner.
Still, the man is a living football legend and my favourite piece of commentary from the overcoat-wearing loon happened a mere couple of weeks ago in the Chelsea v Spurs Premier League clash.
You have to fast forward this clip to 1 min 22 seconds in, and apologies for the Match of the Day 2 chortling in the background. Chiles may have it right, though - I do think Motty got his tackle caught in his Y-fronts as Aaron Lennon is bearing down on the Chelsea goal, here.
This has not yet failed to make me laugh out loud, this clip. God love you, Motty.
4. All The Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
John Motson is 64, you know. If you'd ask me, mind, I'd have said that due to his increasingly inconsistent commentary he was nearer 75. We love a bit of Motty, but he's been gradually losing the plot as he has aged, and his increasingly hyperbolic commentary has led me to race into my living room at many a time only for someone to have won a boring corner.
Still, the man is a living football legend and my favourite piece of commentary from the overcoat-wearing loon happened a mere couple of weeks ago in the Chelsea v Spurs Premier League clash.
You have to fast forward this clip to 1 min 22 seconds in, and apologies for the Match of the Day 2 chortling in the background. Chiles may have it right, though - I do think Motty got his tackle caught in his Y-fronts as Aaron Lennon is bearing down on the Chelsea goal, here.
This has not yet failed to make me laugh out loud, this clip. God love you, Motty.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Chris Brass for Darlington (v Bury), 22 April 2006
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
6. Broken Nose
The football video industry has been a rich source of income over the years as "celebrities" from Nick Hancock to Gary Lineker host their stocking-filleresque "Football Gaffe" DVDs. These variations on a theme generally feature utterly hilarious moments of people standing on the ball and scoring own goals. And the odd fight from a South American league match.
Hilarious. £15.99 to you, guv.
However, we at CUAS had to include this clip in our top Ten list as it never, ever fails to make me smile whenever I see it. Chris Brass, Bury FC's assistant manager, don't you know, attempts an overhead clearance against Darlington and breaks his own nose as he spectacularly fails to clear his defences. The fact the ball ends up in the back of his own net is a priceless bonus to what is already a brilliant clip.
Chris, we salute you. We're not laughing at you - as hapless amateur footballers ourselves, we're laughing with you.
6. Broken Nose
The football video industry has been a rich source of income over the years as "celebrities" from Nick Hancock to Gary Lineker host their stocking-filleresque "Football Gaffe" DVDs. These variations on a theme generally feature utterly hilarious moments of people standing on the ball and scoring own goals. And the odd fight from a South American league match.
Hilarious. £15.99 to you, guv.
However, we at CUAS had to include this clip in our top Ten list as it never, ever fails to make me smile whenever I see it. Chris Brass, Bury FC's assistant manager, don't you know, attempts an overhead clearance against Darlington and breaks his own nose as he spectacularly fails to clear his defences. The fact the ball ends up in the back of his own net is a priceless bonus to what is already a brilliant clip.
Chris, we salute you. We're not laughing at you - as hapless amateur footballers ourselves, we're laughing with you.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Jeremie Aliadiere for Middlesbrough (v Sheffield Wednesday), 15 September 2009
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Football Moments
6. "They've Never Heard Chris Rea."
I can almost see the pitch at Sky Sports HQ now.
"Yes, I know we haven't got any live football that we can show on Saturday afternoon. But, what we can do is ask four ex-professional footballers to watch the games for us, and explain to us what's happening. Yes, someone like Charlie Nicholas. Well, I appreciate that it's a bit like you reading a classic work of literature and giving me one sentence per chapter about what's going on, but I think it can work. Jeff Stelling. Yeah, you know who I mean. Off of the darts. And a videprinter with all the latest scores...."
Oddly, it works. And it has made Soccer Saturday a sporting institution in this country, and a star of its charismatic host, Jeff Stelling. There are numerous Stelling clips we could have chosen, but this particular homage to the fine Teeside city of Middlesbrough is possibly his finest hour, if just for the part of his defence of the city that "Journey South come from there...."
6. "They've Never Heard Chris Rea."
I can almost see the pitch at Sky Sports HQ now.
"Yes, I know we haven't got any live football that we can show on Saturday afternoon. But, what we can do is ask four ex-professional footballers to watch the games for us, and explain to us what's happening. Yes, someone like Charlie Nicholas. Well, I appreciate that it's a bit like you reading a classic work of literature and giving me one sentence per chapter about what's going on, but I think it can work. Jeff Stelling. Yeah, you know who I mean. Off of the darts. And a videprinter with all the latest scores...."
Oddly, it works. And it has made Soccer Saturday a sporting institution in this country, and a star of its charismatic host, Jeff Stelling. There are numerous Stelling clips we could have chosen, but this particular homage to the fine Teeside city of Middlesbrough is possibly his finest hour, if just for the part of his defence of the city that "Journey South come from there...."
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Lee Sharpe for England (v Germany), 3 May 2006
Cheer Up Alan Shearer's Top 10 TV Footballing Moments
7. "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."
Rewind to May 2006 and a balmy night at the Madjeski Stadium. Two teams of ex-footballers, celebrities and other stars had turned out for a light-hearted charity match to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund bowel cancer charity and the Red Cross. Celebrities including Richard Ashcroft, Alec Stewart, Nigel Benn and Sean Bean all represented England in an entertaining 4-2 win for Germany.
The highlight of the evening for everyone (bar ex-German star Maurizio Gardino) was a ten minute cameo for London mayor Boris Johnson who took his position on the left side of midfield. His one and only contribution to the game was one of the most hilariously crude challenges the footballing world has ever seen. In a move that makes Harald Schumacher look 'a bit milky' England's number 10 utterly cleans out the German midfielder leading to some calming words from Ray Wilkins (who never tackled anyone, of course) and some reaction from the German bench.
Defending his, er, 'tackle', Bozza said, "I'm a rugby player really and I knew I was going to get to him and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice in my actions. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."
Brilliant.
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7. "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."
Rewind to May 2006 and a balmy night at the Madjeski Stadium. Two teams of ex-footballers, celebrities and other stars had turned out for a light-hearted charity match to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund bowel cancer charity and the Red Cross. Celebrities including Richard Ashcroft, Alec Stewart, Nigel Benn and Sean Bean all represented England in an entertaining 4-2 win for Germany.
The highlight of the evening for everyone (bar ex-German star Maurizio Gardino) was a ten minute cameo for London mayor Boris Johnson who took his position on the left side of midfield. His one and only contribution to the game was one of the most hilariously crude challenges the footballing world has ever seen. In a move that makes Harald Schumacher look 'a bit milky' England's number 10 utterly cleans out the German midfielder leading to some calming words from Ray Wilkins (who never tackled anyone, of course) and some reaction from the German bench.
Defending his, er, 'tackle', Bozza said, "I'm a rugby player really and I knew I was going to get to him and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice in my actions. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."
Brilliant.
object width="425" height="344">
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