David Mitchell for Australia (v Israel), 8 October 1985

There's a nice article on the Guardian website right now written by excellent and talented British comic David Mitchell about how he doesn't care for football all that much.

The reason I mention it is not for the content of the piece (as lighthearted and amusing as it is) but for the comments that the Guardian's fine readership have left.

I wonder why you'd bother writing an 875 word piece when amongst your comments you get:

"I like peepshow but seriously grow some nuts."

I laughed out loud when I read that, and I still can't wipe the smile off my face. It's possibly the least perceptive bit of commentary I have ever seen...

(a propos nothing the spectacularly surreal and genius Mitchell and Webb "Cheesoid" sketch is here)

Jo for CSKA Moscow (v Inter Milan), 23 October 2007

So, Manchester City have confirmed the club record £18m signing of Jo.

Rumours that Mark Hughes is planning to add £5m signing Bradley, £3m rated Hannah and £10m stunner Rachel to his Eastlands line-up have today been denied by the club. In a statement, a club official confirmed that City were assembling a squad to "reach for the stars" and they were hoping that Hughes would "bring it [their previous success] all back". Jo himself said that he had "never had a dream come true" before, that was was a "natural" goalscorer and that there "ain't no party like an Eastlands party".

More to follow.

Junior Lewis for Hull City (v Chesterfield), 1 February 2005

We may have commented on this before (here and here) but, hilariously, it has happened again and so deserves (yet) another mention.

Peter Taylor has once again signed Junior Lewis.

Lewis has now worked with Taylor at 8 clubs and the ex-England manager's regular signing of the (frankly rubbish) midfielder has gone beyond a joke. I like Ian's theory that Taylor's actually his dad (allegedly, clearly this is a theory/joke, don't anyone get upset) as I can't think of any other reason for this preposterous decade long faith....

[thanks to Ian for the link]

Fernando Torres for Spain (v Germany), 29 June 2008

OK,OK.

So I maybe once or twice stated quite categorically that Spain didn't have the mental strength or team ethic to win the European Championships.

Hmmm. It sppears they were much better than I expected. Well done to them - I don't begrudge them a win as there has rarely been a country whose international trophy haul belies the talent they have been able to draw on (except for Holland and to a lesser extent England, I suppose). Clearly they have some good players, and the introduction of (Brazilian) Marcos Senna seems to have been the glue that held the side together this time.

Was it a good tournament? I'm not sure it was any better or worse than previous Championships to be honest. There were some nice moments - the Turks "never say die" attitude was a delight, as was the Dutch's early promise but ultimately it petered out when the knockout stages began.

One thing I am in entire agreement with Martin Samuel about, though, is the format for the tournament. Sometime in 2002 (to accommodate teams based either in South Korea or in Japan) the format was tweaked so teams in the same half of the draw were able to meet each other twice before the Final.

For example, Turkey had to play Brazil in the group stages in 2002 and also in the semi-final. This time around Russia faced the Spanish twice in both group stage and semi-final.

There should be no way that a time has to face another more than once unless the trophy itself is at stake. Clearly it is possible two teams might face each other twice in any given tournament but this should never be allowed to happen until the final itself. Changing the format again to ensure this is the case shouldn't take much, and considering the tournament is about to be expanded to 24 teams anyway (a ridiculous idea which will dilute further the quality of the competition - when UEFA has 53 members it means that almost half will end up at the Finals) it should be near the top opf the agenda when the tournament schedule is designed.

In the meantime, congratulations to Spain - worthy winners.

Christiano Ronaldo for Portugal (vs Czech Republic), June 11 2008

The whole grubby "Ronaldo to Madrid" saga is taking all of the usual ups and downs at the moment (you know: Madrid whisper sweet nothings at a player under contract to someone else and insinuate that the move is on to the press; the press print stories and elicit angry denials from the club holding the player's registration; the player comes out with his desire to play for Madrid; Madrid innocently claim they have definitely not tried to tap up the player; other club threatens to let the player rot in the reserves for the duration of his contract... then sell him for the maximum amount of money. Everyone's happy?)

I was interested to read this piece in the Guardian by Daniel Taylor though. He tells the story of some petulant behaviour by Ronaldo at a press conference at the Manchester United training ground to commemorate the anniversary of the Munich air crash. The behaviour itself is probably not so surprising and the article is designed to reinforce your view of Ronaldo as a petulant little shit and generally unpleasant piece of work. The really interesting bit is when Taylor says:

"It was such an unpleasant scene the journalists decided not to write about it because we had been invited to the training ground to cover a far more important subject and, when you have sat with men as noble as Charlton, Foulkes, Albert Scanlon, Harry Gregg and Kenny Morgans and seen the hurt in their eyes, it felt incongruous to veer off-track."

I can kind of see what he means, but as the commentators on the post point out, are the football press pack really so complicit that they didn't think this worthy of comment and collectively decided to sit on it? What other stories are they sitting on?

The story doesn't make Christiano Ronaldo look terribly good, but neither does it do the press pack any favours.

Daniele de Rossi for Italy (v France), 17 June 2008

I know we shouldn't be surprised by the pundits on the BBC talking absolute nonsense, but Spain's penalty shootout triumph over Italy last night was twice referred to as "a victory for football".

I can see what they are getting at - Spain played almost all of the expansive attacking football when compared to Italy's defensive minded approach - but a vacuous soundbite of that stature surely can't go unpunished?

The whole point of football (and, some would argue especially international football) is that it pitches different styles and mentalities against one another. Italy are the second most successful international team in world football history and their success has, as a generalisation, been built on defensive knowhow coupled with a plethora of attacking talents. The Italian game is defined as careful, possession-led, organised and, I suppose, somehow stylish.

If, as Gary Lineker would have you believe, that Spain's win was "a victory for football" then we ought to be seeing Brazil win every World Cup from now on. Real Madrid would presumably be the European Champions every year and Arsenal would win the Premier League. The fact remains is that it doesn't work like that. History is litterered with triumps borne from tactical knowhow and organisation (think Greece in 2004), home advantage (think England in 1966) and, on occasions, luck (think Germany in 1996).

Teams who adopt defensive strategies that play to their strengths are as valid and as important to the game as those carefree attacking sides. Whether they are as easy on the eye is a different matter entirely, but they should not be criticised for adopting an approach within the rules of the game that suits their priorities. If I admire the organisation and defensive style of the Italians and the quality of their world-class goalkeeper (which I do), their frustration of a talented Spanish side for 120 minutes is as much of a "victory for football" as any.

Blaise Kufo for FC Twente (v Ajax), 10 May 2008

After some weeks of negotiation, it was today announced that hapless ex-England manager Steve McLaren has agreed to be the new manager of Dutch top-flight side FC Twente. An interesting career decision it is, but a good one, I think. Twente are a nice side, have just qualified for the Champions League and are in a league where the dominance of the top three sides is not as strong as it has been in previous eras.

It has been a bizarre managerial season in the Eredivisie in so much as the top six sides from last season will start the new campaign with a different manager. Ajax have replaced (temporary) manager Adrie Koster with the current national coach Marco van Basten. Bert van Marwijk quit Feyenoord to be the new national coach and Gertjan Verbeek left Heerenveen to replace him at the de Kuip. Norwegian Trond Sollied has joined Heerenveen and PSV appointed well-respected coach Huub Stevens to replace temporary coach Sef Vergoosen. McLaren has jointe FC Twente after previous manager Fred Rutten left to take up the Schalke job.

The oddest managerial change though came at NAC Breda. After finishing third in the Eredivisie - their highest ever league position - the club decided not to renew coach Ernie Brandt's contract. To say the fans weren't happy was something of an understatement after he fashioned a side including journeymen like Anthony Lurling and Joonas Kolkka that at one stage were challenging for the title.

I think McLaren might do an OK job in Holland. Twente played well last season and knocked Ajax out of the Champions League qualifying play-offs. In Orlando Engelaar they have one of the stars of Euro 2008 so far, and prolific Swiss striker Blaise Kufo extended his contract in April. It will be interesting to see whether McLaren turns to England for new signings (ex-Boro player Luke Wikshire already plies his trade at the Grolsch Veste) or whether his knowledge of the Dutch game is good enough that he can buy from rival clubs.

From my point of view, it just adds (yet another) reason to watch the Setanta coverage and I might even add Twente to my next Dutch excursion. Oh, and Steve - the Dutch for "umbrella" is "paraplu".....

Andrea Pirlo for Italy (v France), 17 June 2008

I can't make any particular excuses for the lack of biting analysis and stunning insight into Euro 2008 on this site of late. Such as that was likely, obviously.

The simple fact is that it is, as I predicted before the tournament began, the first World Cup/European Championships I haven't watched avidly in two decades. I simply can't get that excited about it. Some of the football has been good, and there have been one or two intriguing/exciting games but I somehow feel that I have seen it all before.

The one pleasing element has been the success so far of the maligned Dutch side. In England's absence, the Dutch (thanks to my love of their league game) were always going to be the side I would follow, but I (like many others) never gave them a chance. However, van Basten's change of formation (from 4-3-3 to 4-2-3-1) has allowed their talented attack-minded midfielders to shine and the two defensive midfielders (de Jong and Engelaar) have played brilliantly, providingthe platform on which the rest have played.

I predicted a Germany v Italy final and not much has swayed me from that view. Indeed, I backed the Italians at 20/1 after their draw with Romania and that looks like awfully good value all of a sudden. As I said a while back, I strongly believe that Spain won't prevail and despite them performing better than I anticipated, I still don't think they will be strong enough.

Perhaps it is football fatigue, England's absence (saying that, wouldn't we have been humbled and out already bearing in mind the quality we'd have faced?) or (as I said before the tournament) the prevalence of familiar faces but I can't really get terribly excited.

(Oh, and Gary Lineker becomes more smarmy and irritating every time I turn my television on. It is now at the point where I can barely watch him.)

Giovanni van Bronckhurst for Holland (v Italy), 9 June 2008

I knew this competition would be good for these...

"Did he just say he was making a "pasta di natale"?"

Luca Modric for Croatia (v Austria), 8 June 2008

I can see the European Championships being a rich source of these....

Mrs LB: "....did he just say that player is called Outhouse?"

Xavi for Spain (v USA), 4 June 2008

According to the bookies they are second favourites, but has no-one remembered the little-but-important fact that the second Spain get to a major football tournament that they are *utterly* rubbish?

I know they have Torres this time and Xavi and Iniesta and assorted other excellent players, but they have had top class players at every tournament they've ever been in. When Gary Lineker says he will plump for "perennial underachievers Spain to win Euro 2008" he seems to be ignoring the key two words in his analysis - the "perennial underachiever" bit.

The Germans are the clear favourites, although it should be remembered that their brand of un-German free-flowing attacking football came unstuck last time out against the Italians. Germany are putting (basically) the same XI out this time around and so whilst they would be a surprisingly popular (I think) winner, I just think they'll encounter someone who'll blunt their attack and take advantage of their slight weaknesses in defence.

Portugal could be brilliant or awful - they have spent a decade playing international football with one rubbish striker and that situation hasn't altered much. There aren't enough wings on a football pitch to house Quaresma, Simao, Nani, Ronaldo et al and so some square pegs must fit into some round holes. They'll have a good run, but short of a certain Madrid bound winger winning it singlehandedly I don't think they have quite enough.

So who does that leave? The French (average age 42) have a wealth of experience and one or two youthful matchwinners in Benzema and Ribery. Italy are always strong and come in as World Champions but the loss of Cannavaro is a blow and their current crop of players have been pulling up no trees in the Champions League of late. Holland got the worst of all draws as to have any chance they have to eliminate either France or Italy in the group stages, but if they do get out of the group it is an easier path to the final than you might think. Saying that, it wouldn't be a major international tournament without disharmony in the Dutch camp and with concerns over van Basten's managerial abilities, players leaving the squad and an acute shortage of talent in certain areas (Mario Melchiot is in the squad, for Lord's sake) they might horrifically underperform.

I've each way money on Sweden - always better than the sum of their parts and "only" Russia and Greece to contend with to escape group D. Croatia would have been a good outside bet also but the goals of Eduardo will be too much of a miss.

So, what's the conclusion of all that, then? Er, I don't know really. I suppose you'd just have to be brave to back the Spanish, insane to back the Austrians and don't underestimate the power of the home support in these events (the Swiss, clearly, are the pick here). Oh, and a Germany v Italy final, with the World Champions prevailing. That should guarantee Carlos Puyol holding aloft the trophy on 29th June, then.....

Marco van Basten for Holland (v USSR), 25 June 1988

So, the European Championships begins this weekend. Despite the BBC's constant badgering (they might as well have called their promotional campaign "Please Watch This Anyway!") I can't get terribly excited about it.

Clearly I'll watch it all, and clearly I'll blog about it incessantly (despite having absolutely no angle to take whatsoever) but for the first time in years I could happily let a major international football tournament pass me by.

I'm not sure why this is. On the face of it, the absence of any partial interest is probably unconsciously a factor. It's also the first European based football tournament I haven't physically attended in a decade. I think it's more straightforward than that, though, and I blame the Premiership and the Champions League.

When I was younger, and even into my twenties, I'd tune into the World Cup or European Championships to watch colourful fans and skills and players from far away lands of which I had no knowledge. I met a bunch of Slovenians in Amsterdam in 2000 and could name one of their squad (the mercurial playmaker Zlatko Zahovic) and yet got caught up in the atmosphere of that day precisely because they were "new" and unknown.

Now, fed on a diet of Premiership football and the Champions League, most of the mystique has gone. In 1990, no-one outside of Italy (and many inside!) had heard of Salvatore Schillaci but half the wonder of that tournament was the emergence of this little, bulging-eyed dynamo. The stars of Euro 2008 are likely to be Torres and Henry and Ballack, players who we know inside out.

We'll be surprised, as ever, a dark horse will give us a good story (a la Greece in 2004) and a wondergoal will come from an unknown as surely as it has from a Vasily Rats or a Tomas Skuhravy over the years. Back in the day we were lucky if we got to see one or two world class players on "Match of the Day" and so we tuned in eagerly to these summer tournaments to see the others in action. This summer we'll pretty much have seen it all before.

Ryan Giggs for Manchester United (v Wigan Athletic), 11 May 2008

The 2007/8 CUAS Predictions League

Thank you once again to all of you who trot over here every week or so and input random numbers in the name of careful considered prediction. From Stoke to Sydney they come, and all of your input is much appreciated.

This years Predictions League was almost a foregone conclusion from early on, as last years winner Shane romped to a comfortable win and a retention of his title. Well done Shane!

A sterling effort from Swiss Toni took him to second, and well done also to Andy in third (who I believe scored the highest weekly total of the season).

More again in August? Oh, go on then.

George Best for Manchester United (v Benfica), 29 May 1968

At the risk of being partisan for one brief moment, I am really, really quite nervous. Eleven hours to go.

*bites nails*

[some re-hashed memories of the last time this happened are here]

Didier Drogba for Chelsea (v Liverpool), 30 April 2008

And so the European club football season moves towards its climax this Wednesday as England's very own Chelsea and Manchester United go head to head in the final of the 2007/8 Champions League.

Great for English football, best League in the world blah blah blah. This may all be true, frankly, and I can't begrudge either my fellow United or the Chelsea fans the excitement of the European Cup Final but I can't help feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with the European Cup Final being between two teams from the same nation.

Two teams from the same nation can't both be their league champions, can they?

I appreciate that this has happened before (in 2000 and 2003) and that the recent history of the Champions League is littered with winners and finalists who weren't the champions of their respective countries when they won the tournament. I also understand that there isn't a snowball chance in hell of this changing any time soon.

It just seems to defeat the whole object of a Champions Cup (which it effectively is) when the final can be between two clubs from one country.

Platini has the right idea by trying to open up the competition to more of the "lower ranked" countries. The beauty of a knockout competition is that there can be upsets along the way, but naturally the larger clubs want to keep these to a minimum (the league format will often see to that) otherwise they lose a great proportion of their precious television revenue.

Abolish the league stages, let the first round include every Champion from Bosnia to Belgium and remove the daft "you can't play someone from your own country" rule. Famously, Nottingham Forest beat reigning European champions Liverpool in the first round in 1979.

I don't much care how good an all English final is for the English game (all English clubs - a smattering of English players, of course on show) but I would like to say a Champion win the Champions League occasionally.

Stewart Downing for Middlesbrough (vs Manchester City), 11 May 2008

Like millions of other people, I've been playing in a Fantasy Football league this year. Although I do play in a league with some friends in the Telegraph's game, the main focus of my attention, as usual, was the office "friends and enemies" league we have on FantasyLeague.com. It's a squad game, and you have to perm your 16 players in such a way as to maximise your points scoring opportunities. It's great fun.

After a terrible start, I had been behind the pace for most of the season, but as we came into the final round of fixtures, I was only a few points off the pace and in with a real shout. The last set of games in the Premier League, of course, are all played at the same time, so every manager had to choose what they thought was their strongest side and cross their fingers that they players they had been forced to leave out didn't play a blinder. I had some transfers left, so I was able to replace some of my benched players with the cheapest goalkeepers and could beef up my defence with the addition of Petr Cech and Paulo Ferreira. My hardest decision was who to play in my midfield. I felt that Bentley, Ronaldo and Ashley Young were all shoe-ins, but the final place was a toss up between Jimmy Bullard, whose game against Portsmouth meant everything to Fulham, and Stewart Downing, who would be playing in a nothing game against Manchester City.

Do I need to mention what happened next?

My side did well.... but my decision to play Jimmy "2 points" Bullard instead of Stewart "8 points" Downing cost me dear, and Bolton's late equaliser cost me a further 6 points.

In the final analysis, I lost by a single point.

To be fair, the winner had left Downing out of his side too, and when Bolton's goal cost him another 3 points, he thought that he'd blown it too. Little did he realise that Matty Taylor's goal had actually won him the title.

Stupid game.

Incidentally, my mate who was second in the whole Telegraph Fantasy League competition with two weeks to go and £50,000 to play for.... he's now 18 points adrift with only the cup final to go. So close.... although his consolation prize is likely to be a couple of grand. I get a silver medal mousemat.

Gutted.

Erik Nevland for Fulham (v Birmingham City), 3 May 2008

You will be pleased/relieved/delighted/distraught (* delete as applicable) to know that this is the final week of the CUAS 2007/8 Predictions League. Results to follow in due course.....

Birmingham 1-1 Blackburn
Chelsea 2-0 Bolton
Derby 1-1 Reading
Everton 2-1 Newcastle
Middlesbrough 0-0 Man City
Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham
Sunderland 0-2 Arsenal
Tottenham 1-1 Liverpool
West Ham 1-1 Aston Villa
Wigan 1-3 Man Utd

and its the penultimate day of the French season, don't you know? (PSG still in the bottom three with 2 games to go....)

Le Mans 1-1 Marseille
Lyon 2-1 AS Nancy
Monaco 1-0 Auxerre

Titus Bramble for Wigan Athletic (v Liverpool), 2 January 2008

You know that sometimes real life just ends up being a million times funnier than anything you can write?

I was enjoying a pint in the summer sunshine today with a couple of colleagues when half the Nottingham Forest first team rolled in and enjoyed some beers and lunch on the adjacent tables.

After they left, I went to pay the bill and I asked the manager jokingly whether the Forest lads had tipped them well.

"Yeah", he replied. "We get all sorts in here, you know. We had Titus Bramble in here yesterday."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "He's a big fella, he is. He did knock his drink over, though......"

Mark de Bolla for AFC Wimbledon (v Staines Town), 3 May 2008

As the season draws to a close, four teams deserve a CUAS pat on the back for their respective promotions. (Clearly there are many teams who deserve a pat on the back - in fact pretty much anyone who has been promoted with the exception of the Milton Keynes Dons who I still hope implode and disappear, never to be seen again).

Still, I'd like to indulge myself by selecting four, if I may.

Firstly, to the team whose ground is less than a mile as the row flies from my front door, and whose fans I could hear jubilantly singing at 4.55pm yesterday afternoon from my back garden, congratulations to Nottingham Forest who finally escaped from the third division on account of defeating Yeovil 3-2, but more thanks to Cheltenham Town's 2-1 win over Doncaster Rovers. It's great to see Forest back in the Championship and I sincerely hope they can consolidate their position next season.

Secondly, and wholly appropriately in the season that fake franchise team the MK Dons achieved promotion, AFC Wimbledon escaped from the Ryman Premier League by beating Staines Town 2-1 in the play-off final. It's the Conference South for AFC next season, and I hope their eventual elevation to the Football League is achieved at the expense of their fake MK rivals.

Thirdly, and for no other reason than I drive past the Britannia Stadium an average of of ten times a month, congratulations to unfashionable Stoke City whose 0-0 draw against Leicester today not only relegated the Foxes to the third tier for the first time in their 124 year history but also secured promotion for the Potters after a 23 year absence. I like it when "new" teams reach the Premiership and I hope they do themselves proud. Similarly, good luck to the Cities of Hull and Bristol in the play-offs.

Finally, and from a personal perspective I'd like to congratulate FC United of Manchester who continued their meteoric rise through the divisions by winning the Unibond First Division North play-off final 4-1 against Skelmersdale Town. Next season sees them fight it out in the Unibond Premier which is where the real fight begins as that's not an easy division to get out of....

Paul Scholes for Manchester Utd (v Barcelona), 29 April 2008

Follow, follow, follow, cause United are going to Moscow!...... (assuming the embassy process their visas and they get a flight, that is)

Aston Villa 2-0 Wigan
Blackburn 2-0 Derby
Bolton 0-0 Sunderland
Fulham 1-0 Birmingham
Man Utd 2-0 West Ham
Middlesbrough 1-0 Portsmouth
Reading 2-1 Tottenham
Arsenal 2-0 Everton
Liverpool 2-0 Man City
Newcastle 1-1 Chelsea

and it's the Scottish League play-offs, don't you know?

Clyde 2-1 Alloa
Cowdenbeath 2-1 Arbroath
Stranraer 1-1 Montrose