Who the hell is Ashley Cole trying to fool? Himself?
Hold on: who the hell is this Thierry Henry guy? Surely not Arsenal's record goalscorer, the man who has scored 215 goals in 239 appearances? Why on earth might he be considered more valuable than some short-arsed left-back who missed almost all of last season and then played every game for England in the World Cup?
"The club made Thierry feel wanted and special, wooing him, wining and dining him, speaking in public about how much they want him to stay, going on a deliberate charm offensive," he said. "But me? I didn't have one dinner, one meeting or one phone call from anyone. That's not sour grapes, it's just a sad truth. The truth is that the Gunners had done nothing all season to hold on to me.
"My worst fears were confirmed when, as Thierry and I sat in the centre circle after the final whistle, his name was sung from the rooftops while my contribution was recognised by a deafening silence. As his chants faded away we waited for mine. And we waited. And there was nothing. 'They're not bothered about me', I said, resigned to the fact. It was like I was the invisible man."
Every time I hear Ashley Cole whingeing about how poorly treated he was by Arsenal, it's everything I can do to stop myself vomiting. Poor Ashley was promised £60,000 per week by the Arsenal board, who then reneged and offered him a measley £55,000 per week. It's not about the money, you understand, it's about the principle. They never wanted to keep him. They questioned his commitment to the club.
Really? How dare they? Surely you are not the same Ashley Cole who was caught tarting himself out to Chelsea in June 2005? The same Ashley Cole who has shown absolutely no respect for his contract with Arsenal and has actively sought a transfer? Why on earth would they dare to question his commitment to the cause after that?
And does he really, truly believe that he will be well received by the Arsenal fans when he makes his first trip to the Emirates Stadium with Chelsea? Does he really think he has been the blameless victim in all of this?
Poor little millionaire.
He makes me sick.
No one comes out smelling of roses after this whole sordid affair. Not Arsenal (who are paying Gallas more than they refused to pay Cole), not Chelsea and certainly not Ashley Cole himself.
This whole sorry saga represents everything that is bad about football.
Oh hang on, perhaps it's just symptomatic of a sick game.