Marco Grandin for Italy (v Czech Republic), 25 June 2018

Well, it's back. I love this feature and this week we plod on through the alphabet to hear about what the wonderful letter "C" means to our crew.

The A-Z Of Football

C is for.........Cloughie (El Tel)

Brian Clough (1935 - 2004) - a 'character' of the game? No - Brian Clough - so much more than a character of the game. At a time long before the term 'sports psychologist' was common in professional sporting parlance, Clough Senior evidenced a simple, elegant guile (with the occasional clip round the ear) that was enough to lead Nottingham Forest to European glory.

Sure, there was money behind the success, but not to the (present day) extent that can eclipse the developmental work that is necessary to justify the word 'glory'.

As a youngster, I claimed that I supported Sunderland - the local(ish) team, though it was Clough's Forest that secretly captured my footballing heart. Aside from admiring the solidity of the likes of Des Walker, Stuart Pearce and Roy Keane, and the creativity of Neil Webb, David Platt and Clough Junior, Brian Clough's crisp analysis of the game and of life itself, always
made for entertaining and inspiring listening. But Clough's was not a tale of all-round romance.

In the latter stages of his managerial career, the suggestion of his receiving a bung or two, the acknowledgement of a drink problem, and the demise of Forest, all cast a shadow over Clough's achievements and over his finer qualities. But despite this, public affection for Ol' Big Head never waned. Right until the end, Clough's unique voice continued to win over audiences.

With son Nigel, in a joint interview for the BBC - ahead of Clough Junior's Burton Albion taking on Hartlepool in the FA Cup - a tired and ailing Cloughie showed that his rich candid shine remained intact. Asked by the interviewer, if he would take a place in Burton's starting line-up, Clough Junior chose to not answer. At which point Dad bluntly asserted: 'He's not - but he should be'. Nigel rolled his eyes, smiled, and there ended the interview.

For many years to come, the wit and wisdom of Cloughie will continue to entertain and teach in a way that is timeless and succinct. In such a fashion, Roy Keane recently shared Clough's advice, prior to the Irishman making his Forest debut. The old man's words:

'You get the ball, you pass it to a red shirt, you move'. And in my view, that's a team philosophy, and all that football need be about.

When it comes to football, C is for Cloughie.

C is for.......Cantona (United 113)

1966 was a good year for English football... Cantona was born

In 1992 after arriving for a £1 Million pound transfer fee, Dion Dublin broke his leg in only the third game of the season. United had just missed out on signing Alan Shearer from Southampton and popular forward Mark Robbins had just been sold to Norwich. Defeats by Sheffield United, Everton, Wimbledon and Aston Villa in the first third of the season had left a mood of pessimism around Old Trafford.

On Thursday 26th November, Martin Edwards the United chairman received a call from Bill Fotherby the Leeds United's financial director enquiring to the availablity of United's left back Denis Irwin. Edward passed this on to Fergusson who replied in the negative, but on a whim enquired about the availablity of Leeds's striker Eric Cantona. Suprisingly Leeds agreed and the next day Cantona and Fergusson met at a holday inn in Manchester. One and a half hours later, Cantona was a united player. Fee- £1.2 Million

Many described the transfer as a panic buy including former liverpool star Emlyn Hughes. There was also concern about Cantona's temperament. "If he's got a temper, wait until he's seen my temper!" joked Ferguson.

Cantona set the Premiership alight until 1997 when he retired. There was always controversy, the drop kick on Matthew Simmons a Crystal Palace fan got Cantona a 6 month ban from football.

144 appearance were made for United and led the team single handed to the double twice. Cantona's training methods and dedication were an inspiration to many of the games best players over the next 10 years including David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville.

He is the best player ever to play in the premiership. Many will debate this and say that Thierry Henry is the best player... What have Arsenal acheived with Henry playing? Do you notice the Nike adverts with Henry in? Who is also in them, 9 years after retirement?

You do have to feel sorry for Dion Dublin, who did return from his broken loeg, but was shortly sold to Coventry....

C is for…...chants (Skif)

How does one show their love for their club?

The scarf, of course, is always popular and a little more traditional, graceful at any age. Indeed, it is probably most useful when older so as to keep whatever body-warmth is left from seeping out over your collar. That’s a little passive though, as I guess is wearing a shirt. Some might say anyone over 12 doing this should be treated with great suspicion. I stopped wearing replicas when I got a bit fat, as sports jerseys painted over more rotund physiques are never a pretty sight. However, since dropping a few stone, I am back in the old-enough-to-know-better team-shirt wearing fraternity. A comedian once asked me whether those of us that wear replicas, do so in the hope that one day we might get a game. I imagine there are some who imagine that this is a very real possibility for non-league supporters such as myself. If so, I’m still waiting to be called off the terraces.

One way you can contribute, and give the players a lift, of course, is to vocally let them know you are there and with them. The lone voice is often one of criticism, stuff like “get it sorted”, “that’s shit” or “get up you fanny.” It probably drags this slightly off topic to tell you that I heard that last shout directed at a Barrow defender. It came from the Barrow goalkeeper.

Like ‘keepers, supporters like the opportunity to have a good moan, but also to use the media of shout or communal chant to pour scorn on, or wind up, the opposition and their supporters. One of the better efforts I’ve heard was directed at followers of former Conference side Dartford: “Where were you when you were good?” Ouch.

Chants can often be pretty oblique unless you’re involved with the club in question. I’ve heard a chant amongst Alfreton supporters that suggested someone or other was a freeloader and, apparently, “he eats his sandwiches.” I also once heard someone try to start the chant “He’s got a minestrone basin on his head.” Lesson? Chants can be baffling. I’m sure those who witness me and my fellow Havant & Waterlooville supporters in celebratory mood when we bang out Showaddywaddy’s “Under The Moon Of Love” would agree. Although to be honest, none of us are quite sure how that started either.

Now I’m a quiet sort of chap, but I’ve started chants. It is a special feeling, when people follow your vocal lead, although I imagine that is more impressive if you’re sat in the Kop, than if you’re marshalling a hardcore of about 30 on a damp Tuesday night in Folkestone. Mind you, the fewer the numbers, the louder you have to be, and there’s no point going in half-heartedly, it’s gotta come from the bottom of the lungs if you want to rouse anybody into lining up their larynxes in harmony with you. Also, to be honest, I’ve never ever experimented with ‘new material’ for fear of it falling flat. I rely on the tried and tested. It’s just as good though, in terms of what you’re trying to achieve with a chant anyway.

There are many different reasons why one is impelled to start a chant. You may be running through your starting XI’s names one-by-one as you wait for kick off; your side may have gone a goal down early on, and you want to show you still believe, or you may be trying to temporarily halt some in-bickering behind the goal (done that one once or twice.)

I must admit I’m not quite the starter motor I was before I quit drinking. On an away day beano back in the day, with four hours of pub-crawl in your bloodstream, your choral stamina can withstand anything. Nowadays, it has to come with adrenaline. When a goal is scored, or when you’re team is pressurising the opposition and a corner, free-kick or throw-in is won. You suck it up and bark it out.

So, what is at the heart of the chant? You chant because you want to buy into that sense of community, and also because you’re desperate for the rush of victory. You wish to contribute to that, and you want the same of the players, for them to want it as much as you. I tell you what too, I’m still a bit girlish when it comes to to the mutual appreciation society after the game too, the players applauding the singing end of the ground every week, and us applauding back.

If they’ve earnt it.

C is for......Championship Manager (Lord Bargain)

My relationship with Championship Manager is stronger than my relationship with Real Football. I have witnessed more matches, experienced more heartache, complained about more players and been excited by more signings playing the game than I ever will in my lifetime of watching football.

I first bought Championship Manager in 1996. In those days, it was a simple game where you bought players, picked a team and sent them out. A decent 4-4-2, some decent close-season free signings and you were pretty much guaranteed a high league finish.

I have followed pretty much all the incarnations of the game ever since. Championship Manager 3 was the only one I never really got on with, despite winning the UEFA Cup as Wigan Athletic during my tenure at Springfield Park. It was too difficult, and the only time I have ever taken up a 5-3-2 wingback system in an attempt to succeed in the game.

My favourite version was the one in and around 2000-2001 where they reverted to a similar look to the previous versions, albeit with the ability to play more leagues simultaneously.

When the games split in 2005, I mad a choice to ditch the Championship Manager series in favour of the apparently better Football Manager. The CM game may have taken the name, but crucially the Football Manager game took the player database which, certainly for me, was far more about the appeal of the game than fancy graphics.

My honours list with clubs as diverse as Manchester United, AZ Alkmaar, Roma, Burnley, Wigan, Brighton and Hove Albion, Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Wolves, Southport, Hellas Verona, PSV Eindhoven, Manchester City and Nottingham Forest is extremely lengthy. Reaching the European Cup Final in eight consecutive seasons, winning promotion from 4th to 1st divisions in consecutive seasons. Turning Kenny Lunt into an integral part of a successful top division midfield.

I have also managed to win the World Cup twice. Firstly as France, which players of the older versions of the game will know was always the first place you went for decent signings as almost all their players were genius. The second time was with England, and I won (I think) the 2018 World Cup. My friend Paul may confirm this, as I believe we both cheered loudly on coming from behind in the semi-final….

My single biggest success was when I took over FC Espinho when they were 10th in the Portuguese second division. After a couple of seasons I finished third and scraped promotion. Despite the board expecting a long hard relegation threatened season, we finished about half way. And the same the following year, even though the transfer budget was about £1million and the average crowd about 8000.

Then, the following year, I tweaked the formation into a narrow 4-1-3-2 and we started winning games. Lots of games. Going into the run-in we were top of the league, above the giants of Sporting, Porto and Benfica (bear in mind this is the league that has been won by no-one other than those three since 1946, bar that shock Boavista success in 2001).

The last game of the season saw me on top of the league on goal difference from Benfica. All I needed to do was win. I clicked on the fixture list and realised my last game was away at the Estadio de Luz. My heart sank.

The match day arrived and I played my strongest XI, the side that had brought me this far. Despite going behind, Espinho fought back to win 2-1 and won the Portuguese Liga Title as well as automatic qualification to the Champions League.

Magic.

Cited in divorce cases, impossibly addictive and genius in its simplicity. Utter genius.

C is for.….corners (Swiss Toni)

Whenever England go out of a major tournament on penalties, it’s never very long before we hear anguished cries about how this is no way to settle such important games, it’s a lottery, it encourages defensive play… and so on, and so forth. It’s always the same, but the simple fact is that no one ever seems to come up with a truly viable alternative for settling a stalemate, and so the shootout is very much still with us. As long as it remains, England will never win another tournament.

There must be another way.

Personally, I think that when a game finishes as a draw after extra time, it should be settled on corners: the side that has won the most corners over the course of the game should be declared the winners. I know it sounds ridiculous, but just think about it for a minute: think about all those moments in the game when a defender chases down a ball heading out over the goal line and desperately shanks it to the touchline in an attempt to avoid a corner. That’s always an exciting little moment in any game, so just think how much extra frisson there could be if there was the chance that the corner saved could have a profound impact on the result of the match.

For some reason, the corner is held up as being a dangerous attacking opportunity. No sooner has the ball gone out of play than the big men are lumbering up from the back and the commentators are working themselves up into a frenzy in anticipation of the goal that must surely follow… but it’s cobblers. How often do corners really lead to goals? Well, it’s funny you should ask that, because I happen to have this season’s premiership statistics at my elbow:

13 goals from 733 corners. That’s more than 56 corners required per goal (although Arsene Wenger obviously considers this a vulgar and obvious way to score a goal – Arsenal have had 60 corners so far this season without scoring. Aston Villa are far more pragmatic – a third of all their goals this season have come from corners).

The simple fact is that13 premiership clubs have failed to score from a corner at all this season. Corners are rubbish – let’s give them a purpose.

Besides, if we have to watch Peter Crouch and Frank Lampard shanking the ball off a defender and away from the goal for the umpteenth time in a game, it might as well count for something, eh?

C is for.....Cardiff (Paul)

No, not the bluebirds of Cardiff City, but rather the Millennium Stadium. A national stadium, completed on time and on budget which is a magnificent arena in which to watch sport (imagine that...)

If I'd written this five years ago, Cardiff wouldn't have had a look in, but once Wembley descended into farce, and the FA were forced to take the later stages of its premier cup competition down the M4, Cardiff has taken it's place in the nation's footballing consciousness.

For me, personally, it was a glorious day when I was able to see Newcastle United fans thronging the streets of Cardiff, and kicking cheap plastic footballs against the walls of Cardiff castle as thousands of Geordies availed themselves of the local pubs and commented on the amusing name for the police (heddlu, since you ask).

Given the inclement weather, I had hoped that the roof would be closed, to really show what the acoustics of the stadium could do - I'd back thirty thousand geordies to give a stadium of welsh male voice choirs a run for their money any day of the week.

Unfortunately, the roof was kept open, despite the rain lashing down and Newcastle, having capitulated horribly in the UEFA Cup days before, with a team divided by poor man management (thanks Graeme), promptly turned up and played like arse.

However, despite the football (and as a veteran of two FA Cup finals in the late 1990's I've long accepted that Newcastle never win games like this) the day out was a real delight, made all the more special by the city which played host to us.

The FA Cup will eventually return to Wembley - a location seemingly picked on a whim by somebody who doesn't like travelling football fans (although granted the M4 isn't much better), and trips to Cardiff will become a thing of the past, but I'll always treasure my day in Cardiff, and the excellent job it did of displaying how a sporting stadium should be done.

C is for....Conversations about Football (Paul A)

I struggle with fan-dom. It's not something that comes naturally to me and I have to be honest and say that I really do not understand those fans who believe football (or any other sport for that matter) to be a life and death matter. I also struggle with the incessant need of some sports fans to show their true greatness as a "fan" through recall of endless facts and figures. This comes from both having a sieve for a memory and for really only caring about watching a good game of footie (i.e not an England match) and being entertained. Despite these points though, one thing I love about football is the ability to just chat to people about the game, and to have it as a common reference point. I have been lucky enough to travel to many different parts of the world and often, I have done so alone. Almost wherever I have gone, there has been someone to strike up a conversation with about the footie or a bar in the middle of nowhere showing the Premiership to go to. Some of my good friends now are people with whom my first words were probably football related in these circumstances. I am grateful for that even if the price to pay was the humiliation of admitting that I have spent 25 years of my life following the ups and, mostly, downs of the Hammers!

C is for......Cardiff Scum (Andy)

Of course, I'm sure that the vast majority of Cardiff City supporters are perfectly decent, honest, law-abiding citizens; but they aren't the ones I want to write about here.

Most of you will probably remember the shocking scenes that marred Cardiff's victory over Leeds Utd in the FA Cup, back in January 2002. Scenes which were no doubt incited by Sam Hamman's stroll behind the Leeds Goal (in front of the Leeds fans) accompanied by his
minder, (who turned out to be a renowned football hooligan).

Well, just one week prior to that game my friend Dave and I had made the short trip over the bridge to watch my team, Bristol City in a league one encounter. Given the intense rivalry between the two clubs, I knew that this was always going to be a risky trip to take, however the police had made special arrangements with the football league for this match with the fans'
safety in mind.

All 2200 Bristol City fans that made the trip were forced to go on official coaches, which left our home ground Ashton Gate on the morning of the game and met with a convoy of police cars and motorbikes on the outskirts of Cardiff. They would whiz us to and from the ground, thus inimising the risk of an ambush.

We arrived safely at the ground, and Dave & I made our way up the crumbling steps of the terraced away-end to the top corner of our section, separated from the Cardiff contingent by two fences and a two-metre gap. By the time the game kicked off the atmosphere was intense, with both sets of fans chanting abuse at each other, and making visual threats through the fences. The other corner of the away-end joined onto another Cardiff stand, and we could see that the real fighters were over there (from their skin-heads, lacrosse shirts and burberry caps). That group spent the entire game throwing coins, pies and cups of tea over the fence.

At halftime, it was 0-0. It has to be said that the football had seemed fairly irrelevant up to that point. The chanting and general missile dodging continued throughout the interval.

Two minutes into the second half, Graham Kavanagh shouldered Cardiff into the lead from two yards and the Cardiff fans went mental. There's always something haunting about the sheer volume of the opposing fans' cheers when conceding a goal away from home, and I got that sinking feeling.

For ten minutes we were pummelled with chants from every direction, not to mention the occasional cup of urine. Then came one of my all-time greatest five-minute periods in a football match, in which we scored three goals! By the time the third goal went in I had ended up about fifteen metres forwards of where I started. God only knows what happened to the people at the front. At some point in my tumble, my false front teeth, (which were originally knocked out aged twelve playing footy with a tennis-ball in a school playground, when I was thrown face-first into a wall), fell out of my mouth. Somehow, I managed to catch them and put them in my pocket for safekeeping.

The gap in my teeth though no doubt contributed to me slipping into the mindset of a yob for the rest of the match. I distinctly remember shouting "Kavanagh, Wank Wank Wank!" at the top of my voice when he skied a free kick towards the end. I also remember throwing some evil, open-mouthed grimaces in the direction of the Cardiff fans, who were just a few metres away
through the fences. I suppose I was lucky I didn't end up with a coin wedged into the gap.

All of this is very out of character for me, of course. I was just so caught up in the moment and the atmosphere that I slipped into that role. Plus, I was confident that the fences would hold and that we'd get whisked out of Cardiff safely with our police escort, so I could get away with it.

The match finished 1-3 and City fans chanted "Ooo arrr, it's a massacre" at the final whistle. Cardiff fans quickly replied: "Outside, it's a massacre" and ran to the exits in their droves. We were held back for about 30 minutes, and could hear some ominous roars from outside of the ground. I finally found Dave again, and slipped my teeth back into my mouth. Almost instantly, I returned to my more restrained, sensible, pre-morbid personality. At this point the reality of the situation hit me, and I shat my pants.

The fifty-metre stroll to the coach quickly turned into a sprint. Twenty metres to our right, there was a row of riot police linking their shields together to hold back literally hundreds of Cardiff fans, who were charging at them and trying to break through the barrier. Others were throwing rocks, many of which landed near my feet, and one smashed the back window of one of the coaches as we ran passed it.

We decided to run between the coaches and up the other side, and just as we approached our coach a group of five City fans ran around the corner of another coach towards us, and shouted "Leg it!" as they passed. For a few seconds, I was convinced that a heavily armed mob of Cardiff fans was about to appear from around the same corner. I have never been so scared in my 21
years of going to football games.

Thankfully they never appeared and with great relief we made it to our coach. We were among the last people to get there and were greeted by lots of concerned faces, and one guy holding a cloth to his bloody head, who must have been hit by a rock. The very next person to arrive on the coach had just been punched in the head by a Cardiff fan, some of whom must have made
it through the barrier or approached from the other side.

After a nervous wait where no one seemed to know what was going on outside, we finally started moving and joined the convoy of coaches on an express route out of the City. We were jeered from the pavements all the way out of Cardiff and many stones were thrown at the windows but they held firm, and we made it safely onto the M4. I have never been so pleased to see the
Severn Crossing.

The sheer scale of the aggression we faced after that game was pretty horrifying. OK, you could say we asked for it, after all we were chanting anti-Welsh chants throughout the game, and some of our fans were making threatening or aggressive gestures through the fence (ahem). However, surely that's all seen as acceptable in the context of a football match, especially
a local derby against bitter rivals?

I for one believe that it will be a travesty if Cardiff win promotion to the premiership this season. Perhaps more to the point though, I'd be gutted, because I'm hoping to go back to Ninian Park next season for a championship clash (after Bristol City pip Forest to the league one title). After all, that afternoon might have featured my most frightened moment as a football follower, but for that five minute period in the second half alone, it will also go down as being one of my greatest.

....................................

Interesting stuff, paricularly as I or United 113's contribution could have been C is for...Chelsea telling a similar story to Andy's from the 1994 FA Cup Final...

Brilliant. Contributions from all for "D" please!

Stewart Imlach for Nottingham Forest (v Manchester United), 22nd February 1958

[Predictions are here.]

I made a conscious decision recently to read more football books. Not your average rubbish Cole/Gerrard/Terry/Rooney autobiography, but some interesting books about individuals, eras or teams.

I am going to have trouble finding anything as good as the first one I picked.

"My Father And Other Working-Class Football Heroes" by Gary Imlach tells the story of his father Stewart's career. Whilst ostensibly a biography of his dad, it is more interesting for the way it paints a picture of the game during the 1950s and 1960s. Maximum wages, going to the World Cup with no team manager, life outside football in the 50s all come under the spotlight.

It is an emotional and brilliant read, even if you have never heard of Stewart Imlach or are no supporter of the teams he represented (Bury, Derby, Forest, Coventry, Crystal Palace).

In fact, I'd say it was the second best football book I have ever read (after Tony Cascarino's autobiography which is bloody brilliant.)

Indeed, Gary Imlach's book won the William Hill Sports Book of the Year award in 2005 which, I think, was probably richly deserved. Well worth a read.

Gary Caldwell for Scotland (v France), 7 October 2006

Hello troops. After our European adventures we are back into the humdrum of domestic footie this week....

Arsenal 3-0 Watford
Aston Villa 1-1 Tottenham
Liverpool 2-0 Blackburn
Man City 2-1 Sheff Utd
Middlesbrough 2-1 Everton
Portsmouth 3-2 West Ham
Reading 0-2 Chelsea
Wigan 0-2 Man Utd
Newcastle 1-1 Bolton
Fulham 2-1 Charlton

and some wildcards of teams I have a wee soft spot for:

Scunthorpe 3-0 Brighton (both)
Macclesfield 0-1 Bury (come on you Shakers!)
Albion 1-1 Berwick (the mighty Borderers)

Gary Neville for Croatia (vs England), 11th October 2006

I'm sorry, but you have to laugh, don't you?

At least he has a good career waiting for him if he decides to hang up his gloves, eh?


Don't it make you feel good?

Robin van Persie for Arsenal (v Charlton Athletic), 30 September 2006

Predictions time again.

Perhaps we should have a gaze at where we are so far - the Grand Prix scoring system seems to be keeping it pretty close thus far. For reference, Paul A won last week's 10 points with a score of 13 (three correct scored and four correct results) - that is a bit lower than normal as most weeks a score of 15 or so wins.

The wildcard FA Cup results were:

AFC Wimbledon 3-0 Oxhey Jets
Folkestone 1-1 Welling
Hastings United 1-1 Met Police
Trafford 2-0 Glossop

OK, it's a completely random "finger in the air" European adventure, this week....

Croatia 4-0 Andorra
Cyprus 0-1 Republic of Ireland
Denmark 2-0 Northern Ireland
England 2-1 Macedonia
Greece 1-1 Norway
Italy 1-0 Ukraine
Scotland 1-3 France
Serbia 1-0 Belgium
Slovenia 3-0 Luxembourg
Sweden 2-0 Spain
Wales 1-2 Slovakia

wildcards:

Germany 3-0 Georgia
Kuwait 0-4 Brazil

David Beckham for England (v Finland), 24 March 2001

I have been thinking about this for a while now, and my opinion on the matter hasn't altered one bit.

David Beckham has been bloody harshly treated by Steve McClaren.

There. I've said it.

I'm not talking now about his celebrity status, or his daft wife, or his off-field activity. I am talking solely about his contribution to the England cause.

Yes, his form for England over recent months has been patchy at best. Yes, he is no longer a fixture for his club side and all of a sudden has some genuine competition for the right sided midfield role at international level. Yes, McClaren had different ideas about the way he wanted England to play, using Steven Gerrard in that position.

But of all his many faults, the things that I admired David Beckham the most for were his honour and his loyalty to the England cause. He has 94 England caps and during that time developed a reputation as someone that would give blood and sweat to the England cause. To consign someone like that to the dustbin of international football history (which McClaren has surely done) seems to me insensitive and unnecessary.

Yes, his form has dipped. But a fit David Beckham is surely an asset to a 23 man England squad. You really telling me that Kieron Richardson, Michael Carrick or Phil Neville are better options from the bench than Beckham? Youth will get you so far, but look at France as a great example of a nation that realised it needed the presence of its seasoned, experienced professionals (some of whose form was worse than Beckham's). They went all the way to the World Cup Final.

I also don't think McClaren's "I prefer Gerrard. and Lennon. and Wright-Phillips. and Pennant. and I have asked Tony Daley to come out of international retirement" attitude towards the situation was particularly well-advised either.

I'm not sure I thought I would ever say it, but I feel really, really sorry for Beckham. McClaren could have got away with not starting him, but I think it was extremely unwise to cast him adrift in this manner.

Lee Blackshaw for Glossop North End (vs Silsden), 19th September 2006

Predictions time again people.

Bolton 1-2 Liverpool
Charlton 0-2 Arsenal
Chelsea 2-0 Aston Villa
Everton 2-0 Man City
Sheff Utd 1-1 Middlesbrough
Blackburn 2-1 Wigan
Man Utd 3-1 Newcastle
Tottenham 0-1 Portsmouth
West Ham 1-1 Reading

And wildcards from FA cup qualifying…

AFC Wimbledon 3-1 Oxhey Jets
Folkestone Invicta 1-2 Welling
Hastings Town 2-2 Metropolitan Police
Trafford 1-3 Glossop North End

Frankly your guess is as good as mine, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

David Beckham for Manchester United (v Wimbledon), 18 August 1996

Well, it's that time folks. Time for the assembled masses to explain to the world what the wonderful game of football means to them via the means of alphabetic consecutivity.

ahem.

The A-Z of Football

B is for..... Boogers (Paul A)

Its time ladies and gents for a short trip down amnesia lane. Its 1995, Klinsmann has signed for Spurs and sets the Premiership alight. Sky money is starting to wash through the league, the Bosman case approaches a conclusion, foreign stars see the chance to earn a shedload of cash in the most exciting league in the world and rocketing prices for domestic players are putting managers off homegrown talent.

Into this footballing maelstrom steps England's favourite chancer and sometime football manager, Harry "Arry" Redknapp with a couple of quid in his wallet and no f*cking idea what he's going to do with it!

Traditional wisom has it that before buying a player, a manager or scout will actually watch them play and see if their skills will fit into the existing club structure, needs and wants. Undaunted by traditional narrow thinking like this, Harry opts for a night in with the TV. On the strength of putting the wrong tape in the video, 'Arry ends up writing a cheque for £1 million for someone called Marco Boogers!!!

The potted history of Marco Boogers spectacular Hammers career goes thus. Signs in 1995 and plays the grand total of 83 minutes for the club. Gets sent off 90 seconds into this second game for a "sickening" tackle on Gary Neville (and they label him a failure!). Disapears from sight and is found in a mobile home on a Dutch caravan site with 2 pencils up his nose, his pants on his head and a letter from his doctor declaring him "mentally unfit" to play football. Leaves the club!
'Arry's genius for mixing football management and comedy is the stuff of dreams and cannot be understated. His comedy foreign legion of such illustrious names as Raducioiu, Margas, Dani, Camara and Song have entertained the footballing world and it is gratifying to see the process
continue a pace at his new club, Portsmouth with the likes of Westerveld and Benjani. But, good readers, lets us not forget that it was "Mad" Marco Boogers who set the good ship Redknapp off on its rudderless voyage of foreign discovery.

I am always disappointed that Marco Boogers never seems to be at the top of the "worst signings in the Premiership" tree, although I must concede that the names of Brolin and Taibi represent the pinnacle of the art.

However, I feel that Marco Boogers deserves his place in Premiership history. The worst signing, maybe. The maddest person (this side of Duncan Ferguson) ever to lace a pair of football boots, yes....surely??


B is for.....the BBC (Paul)

7pm, Sunday 9th of July 2006. Football fans across Britain tuned in to watch the World Cup Final live on terrestrial television.

Of those who tuned in, does anybody know anyone who did anything other than watch it on the BBC?

Whilst it was shown by both ITV and BBC, there is only ever one choice for the discerning football fan - the Beeb.

To be blunt, they simply do football better. For a start, no commercial breaks mean you at least get some analysis and a build up which isn't ruined by adverts for cars, beer or body spray.

The BBC may have its flaws (Mark Lawrensen, Gary Linekar's smug delivery, John Motson clearly losing the plot, and the less said about Ian Wright the better), but consider the alternative: Steve Rider's bland delivery, the Kasabian cover of Heroes, Fat Sam Allardyce whinging about how he should be England manager, Gareth Southgate, Clive sodding Tyldesley.

Skinner and Baddiel once made a joke about showing something nobody would ever have seen, before putting on a clip of ITV's World Cup coverage. Only it's not a joke. It's true. Nobody watches ITV if they have a choice because, when it comes to showing live football, they always have been, and will always be, the poor relation.

The sad thing is that because the BBC have long since realised this, they get away with it, safe in the knowledge that it is much better than the alternative.


B is for...Peter Beardsley (Ben)

Like Clarence Acuna, my subject last time round, Peter Beardsley is a former Newcastle Utd player. Like Acuna, Beardsley must have cracked a fair few mirrors in his time, looking as he does something like Quasimodo with an Ann Widdecombe bowl cut. (All of which makes rumours he had an affair with a not unattractive local newsreader rather less plausible.)

But, like Ronaldinho, he could certainly play the beautiful game beautifully. I could never tire of seeing that trademark shimmy, sidestep and shot.

I was only nine when Beardsley left his hometown club for Liverpool in 1987, my only (very) vague memory being the phenomenal goal he scored against Brighton in 1984 in Kevin Keegan’s last match for the club to round off our return to the First Division in style.

But that move to Merseyside wasn’t to be the last we saw of Beardsley in a black and white shirt. Eyebrows were raised when, having returned to once again to the top flight, Keegan (now manager) opted to sell the two previous season’s top scorers David Kelly and Gavin Peacock. Even more surprising was Keegan’s decision to replace them with his former team-mate, who came back to Tyneside from Everton for £1.5m.

But if it was a gamble, it certainly paid off. The evergreen forward was instrumental in Andy Cole’s record-breaking goal haul in that first season back in the big time while also banging in a fair few himself as we earned the nickname the Entertainers. He formed a similarly lethal partnership with Les Ferdinand, one which came so close to firing us to the Premiership title in 1995-6, before taking up a more withdrawn but no less significant role following Alan Shearer’s arrival that summer.

That was to be his last season with us before a move to Bolton.

Of course I could wax lyrical about some of his goals and his brilliant twinkletoes footwork to create chances for others, but the moment I remember best of his second spell as a player on Tyneside didn’t come on the pitch.

Beardsley used to drop his children off at the school over the road from mine every morning, and inevitably found himself plagued by excitable autograph-hungry kids. So he struck a deal with our school: if he came into assembly one morning, everyone would stop pestering him. The morning came around, he was introduced by the headmaster and walked onstage – and got a standing ovation which must have lasted for a good couple of minutes before eventually dying down. Never able to close his mouth at the best of times, he was gobsmacked.


B is for......Brooking (Mike)

The word “avuncular” was invented for Trevor Brooking. He exudes warmth and humility and always seems very composed. People say he’s a bit dull. I disagree. As a pundit, I always found his faint East London twang rather soothing, particularly in comparison to Motty’s effervescence.

I don’t remember too much about Uncle Trev’s playing days. In fact, my only strong recollection is of him standing on the touchline waiting to come on in the 1982 World Cup. He was recovering from an injury, as was Kevin Keegan, and Ron Greenwood brought them both on at the same time. I can still picture them both, standing there on the touchline, like Cannon and Ball in tight shorts.

A very brief biography of his career: he played the game “cerebrally” according to Wikipedia, which probably means he passed the ball well and did everything at his own laid-back pace. He only ever played for West Ham and had just under 50 games for England. He became a pundit and very rarely said anything stupid (which is perhaps why people found him dull: who wants a pundit who talks sense?). Uncle Trevor became Sir Uncle Trevor in 2004 for his work in sports administration with organisations such as Sport England.

The main reason why he’s my entry for B, though, is because of his success as caretaker manager of West Ham. Brooking’s brief reign as manager was hugely successful: probably a surprise to many people. I always thought he’d be a bit Sven-like as manager: dispassionate and unable to motivate. He didn’t seem the kind of chap that would be able to make tough decisions or give the hairdryer treatment. However, there are rumours from his Sport England days that he wasn’t always Mr Nice Guy.

His managerial record is brilliant: won 9, drew 3, lost 1. I know that 13 games isn’t much to go on, but his record definitely speaks of great potential. When he was interviewed after matches, particularly when West Ham were looking down the barrel of relegation, I was impressed with his dignity and honesty. On the touchline he was passionate and involved. He was respected by players and had real presence. I think it’s a great shame he’s not interested in being a manager.

If only Uncle Trev had decided to become a manager, he might have been on the England shortlist himself rather than on the selection committee. And he might have made a better job of choosing players than he did choosing a manager...


B is for....Blake, 60 - (Skif)

Welling United 1 Havant & Waterlooville 1, 04/01/03

I guess what this entry is really about how one tries to determine ‘my favourite goal’.

Considering it probably should be something that made you shed a few layers of living skin in excitement, it will probably have to be a goal scored by your team of choice. If choice ever came into it, of course.

Then does it count if you’ve not seen it live in person, although when you’re a non-league follower like myself, this is rather a moot point.

Whenever I think of this question, I always automatically picture tricksy, but lightweight, midfielder Dean Blake crashing in a shot from about 30 yards out, at Welling United. I was stood right behind the flight and for a bit of it slo-mo progress it looked as though it would sail over. Which itself brings that hit of adrenaline that comes when you think you may have to take evasive, or defensive, action (I have been known to head the ball back onto a field of play, but usually it has to bounce first and not have the rapidity of an Exocet). Then there’s that extra and more vivid burst when the ball flattens its trajectory and squeezes between keepers hand and he near post.

So that’s my knee-jerk, but once I’ve had that, I always think, perhaps the context of the match situation should play a part. Perhaps centre-back Gareth Hall crashing one in from 25 yards off the underside of the bar to beat Stafford Rangers at home 2-1. That was September 1st 2001. After the final whistle that almost immediately followed, we trooped into our club bar to watch England play Germany in Munich. Quite a good day then. On the same lines, David Platt’s goal against Belgium in 1990 would rank up there. The twelve year old me jumped over several occasional tables after that one.

Perhaps the seasonal situation is the key, in which case Jamie O’Rourke scoring against Grantham to keep us in the Southern League Premier Division at the end of a fraught first season in it in 2000. Or maybe it’s about the individual, in which case veteran and legend of the non-league scene, Dave Leworthy, scoring twice in a minute to win us a game at home to Tiverton Town in what was, almost, his last on-field appearance at senior level (but more about that when we get to ‘L’).

Then again, maybe we have to contextualise the opposition. In which case, Warren Haughton scoring twice to keep us in with a shout in our game in the first round proper of the FA Cup at Dagenham & Redbridge in 2002 would come into the equation, mainly I guess for his frenzied celebrations in front of our higher than usual, as you might expect, away support. How a player celebrates may be where it’s at. Not the baby-rocking bullshit so much, but maybe badge-kissing does it for you, or when a player barrels headfirst into the vocal hardcore behind the goal like a masked Mexican wrestler off the top turn-buckle.

Rivlary, though, that’s bound to be important. In which case, I’d go for our record goalscorer Jimmy Taylor, scoring the final goal of his hat-trick in a 3-2 home win over the despised Weymouth, after trailing 2-0 and having to hear “can we play you every week” coming from the away end. Technically not a great goal, as many of those described haven’t been, but with West Leigh Park’s Bartons Road End rocking like it never has before or since, it is possibly overqualified in the favourite goal stakes.

However, when I just typed the words ‘my favourite goal’, my mind immediately pictures Dean Blake’s finish, possibly because it took my breath away. Whether or not that was mainly due to me believing I was about to be hit in the face by it, I guess we’ll never know.


B is for......Banana (United 113)

The first inflatable banana appeared at Maine Road in 1987. A City fan called Frank Newton borrowed the banana from a friend and dressed it in a City shirt and drew a face on it, before long the inflatable bananacraze had began and Maine Road was full of them.

At the time City had a player called Imre Varadi playing for them who became known as "Imre Banana". Inflatable bananas started appearing all over the place, possibly the best use of blow up food items was by the Grimsby Town supporters who started taking inflatable fish with them to the grounds. Bury fans started taking inflatable black puddings to their games. Arsenal struggled a little trying to have inflatable cannons but life was easier for West Ham supporters who went with inflatable hammers.

By 1990, police were strating to confiscate the fruit from supporters at turnstiles and clubs had started banning them as people were complaining they couldn't see properly. There was even a suggestion that the inflatable bananas were racist.

I think we all agree it was a fun time for british football so shortly after the tragedy at Heysel.


B is for.......Stephen George Bull (Swiss Toni)

306 goals in 561 appearances. 52 goals in a single season (1987/88). 18 hat-tricks. 13 England caps and 4 goals (including one against Czechoslovakia that was voted the 37th best England goal ever). Not a bad return from a £65,000 purchase from your biggest rivals, eh?

Oh, I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me that almost all of Bull’s career was spent outside of the top division; that he never really proved himself at the highest level; that he was just a shaven-headed thug of limited talent….

Perhaps you’re right.

You know what though? I don’t give a monkey’s what you think. I’m a Wolves fan and Steve Bull is my hero. Darren Clarke may have just overtaken Zara Phillips as the favourite to win the 2006 BBC Sports Personality of the Year award, but I’ll be casting my vote the same way as I have every year since 1988.

I heard a story about Steve Bull the other day that just seemed to sum the man up: at the end of every season, fans are able to bid to play in a charity match against some of the legends of their club. One guy got the opportunity to play at Molineux and was delighted to find himself at the first corner with the responsibility of marking his hero. Apparently Bull was charming and made a real point of shaking the hand of his nervous marker and wishing him all the best as they waited for the corner to be taken. As the ball was launched into the box, Bull elbowed this guy in the face and banged the ball into the back of the net. 1-0.

Legend.


B is for.....Beckham From The Half Way Line (Lord Bargain)

18th August 1996 was a sunny afternoon. People went around their normal Saturday business as the start of another Premiership season got under way. I don't remember specifically what I was doing that day, but I do remember this.

About 4.30pm that afternoon, word began to get around from the radio that Manchester United's young right midfielder, David Beckham, had scored a wonder goal. "Better than Pele" they said. "Apparently, he has scored from the half way line".

It was one of those occasions where everyone wanted to stay up for "Match of the Day" in order to see this wondergoal for themselves.

And there it was. Indeed, Beckham had lobbed Neil Sullivan from the half way line, and thus a footballing icon was born.

Having watched this back, and notwithstanding everything that has happened to loveable little David (as he was then), this remains an underrated and exceptional goal. People have tried long range efforts since, but very few have succeeded and those that did (Xabi Alonso's recently) involved a goalkeeping error. This goal was pure and simple control, vision (see the keeper off his line) and execution (a perfectly weighted chip). Pele is celebrated for trying something similar, and he never hit the target!

It was pretty much the start of Beckham's disproportionate "skill to stardom" ascent and I like this goal as it also provides one of the iconic pictures of Beckham as a limited but talented footballer - the arms aloft and smile to the fans.

As Motty said "absolutely phenomenal".

**************************************

So there we go. I love this feature - fruit, strikers, a clothes-horse, a caravan, some non-league, a TV network and a Nice Man. Thanks to Swiss Toni, Ben, Paul, Skif, United 113, Paul A and Mike for their brilliant contributions.

Can I invite submissions for "C" please? Ta.

El-Hadji Diouf for Liverpool (v Sheffield United), 21 January 2003

After watching the Portsmouth v Bolton game last night I was glad I have never had to either play on an opposing side or be a fan near the pitchside when El-Hadji Diouf was involved. He epitomises so much I hate in football - his attitude, histrionics, temper and general demeanour make you want to punch his lights out.

Musing on this, I wondered if we could arrive at a Football Cocks Eleven. Not dirty players, not cheating players. In fact, no real criteria at all other than the fact that a given player seems like a complete tool.

Shall I start with an XI and we'll tweak it as necessary?

The Football Cocks Eleven

Jens Lehmann
Kieron Dyer Graeme Le Saux
Rio Ferdinand
Danny Mills
Ashley Cole
Lee Bowyer
Robbie Savage
El-Hadji Diouf
Jermaine Pennant Paul Ince (c)
Craig Bellamy
Nicolas Anelka Didier Drogba

sub: Cristiano Ronaldo (I can't quite find him as big a cock as those other four midfielders)

manager: Graeme Souness (I'd have Mick McCarthy, personally)

chairman: Sam Hammam

any advance?

*update*

The specific criteria here is not that players are cheating and dirty, necessarily (hence the absence of the Portuguese), just that they seem like a cock. I appreciate that it's not the most tangible criteria ever, but you know what I mean. Alan Shearer might be a dirty so and so that elbowed his way through an entire career, but I am not sure he is a cock in the way that, say, Bowyer is, is he?

Chen Tao for Shenyang Ginde (v Liaoning FC), 9 September 2006

Now then fellas, this has got to hurt....

from the Beijing News:

"Shenyang Ginde player Liu Jianye will miss the rest of the domestic Chinese Super League season after suffering a split scrotum during a club match, local media reported on Monday.
The 19-year-old midfielder's injury was sustained after Xiamen Lanshi defender Meng Yao kicked him after 15 minutes of Sunday's game. Liu's injury would require an operation and at least 10 stitches, the newspaper said."

It makes me wince just thinking about it.

Xabi Alonso for Liverpool (v Newcastle Utd), 20 September 2006

Predictions in the house, kidz. Totals updated also!

(last weeks wildcard results were: Sevilla 3-2 Betis, Halmstads 1-1 Helsingborgs, PSV 2-1 Feyenoord.)

Arsenal 2-0 Sheff Utd
Aston Villa 1-0 Charlton
Fulham 0-2 Chelsea
Liverpool 1-0 Tottenham
Man City 0-1 West Ham
Middlesbrough 1-1 Blackburn
Reading 1-1 Man Utd
Wigan 1-0 Watford
Newcastle 1-1 Everton
Portsmouth 1-0 Bolton

and taking a road trip north of the border:

Celtic 1-0 Rangers
Hibs 2-0 Falkirk
Aberdeen 1-0 Hearts

Rory Patterson for FC United of Manchester (v Silsden), 16 September 2006

For those of you who think non-league football (specifically the North West Counties League Division One) is full of talentless pot-bellied cloggers, have a gander at this. As good as anything you will see in the Premiership this season. Magic.

Paul Scharner for Wigan Athletic (v Everton), 16 September 2006

This makes for interesting reading. Apparently, a majority of Premiership clubs (already presumably as rich as they have ever been) charge kids who want to be their mascot on a matchday.

The worst club appears to be Fulham who charge between £300 and a whopping £995 depending on the opposition.

Spurs have eleven mascots for each home game - one for each player - and these pay between £95 and £295 each depending on the opposition.

Portsmouth charge £300 and Bolton £400 although apparently they do offer some free places during the season. Bless.

Unsurprisingly, Chelsea charge £176.50. Although I imagine that's actually cheaper than buying a kid a ticket for the match.

Charlton charge between £60 and £250 and Aston Villa charge £175.

The clubs justify this cost on the basis that the mascot scheme normally includes a package (replica shirt etc) but why not let's big up the teams that don't charge - step forward:

Arsenal
Blackburn
Manchester City
Liverpool
Manchester United
Middlesbrough
Wigan
Everton

Another example of greedy football clubs chasing every last penny...

Tiago for Lyon (v Real Madrid), 13 September 2006

Predictions again folks. I am updating the ongoing scores, by the way (I like our new scoring system. It makes everything a bit more exciting....)

Bolton 1-1 Middlesbrough
Charlton 1-1 Portsmouth
Everton 2-0 Wigan
Sheff Utd 1-0 Reading
Watford 0-1 Aston Villa
Blackburn 2-1 Man City
Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool
Man Utd 1-0 Arsenal
Tottenham 2-0 Fulham
West Ham 2-2 Newcastle

shall we hop over to the Continent this week?

Sevilla 2-1 Real Betis
Halmstads 1-1 Helsingborgs
PSV 2-1 Feyernoord

Lee Naylor for Wolverhampton Wanderers (vs Coventry), 16 April 2005

Look. No disrespect to the lad, but there's just something *weird* about watching Lee Naylor playing Champions League football....

How did that happen?

What's next? John de Wolf turning up as a spokesman for the bean farmers' cooperative of Ulan Bator at the United Nations conference on Pulse and Lentil farming in Extreme Climates?

Ashley Cole for Arsenal (vs Manchester City), 25 September 2004

Who the hell is Ashley Cole trying to fool? Himself?

"The club made Thierry feel wanted and special, wooing him, wining and dining him, speaking in public about how much they want him to stay, going on a deliberate charm offensive," he said. "But me? I didn't have one dinner, one meeting or one phone call from anyone. That's not sour grapes, it's just a sad truth. The truth is that the Gunners had done nothing all season to hold on to me.

"My worst fears were confirmed when, as Thierry and I sat in the centre circle after the final whistle, his name was sung from the rooftops while my contribution was recognised by a deafening silence. As his chants faded away we waited for mine. And we waited. And there was nothing. 'They're not bothered about me', I said, resigned to the fact. It was like I was the invisible man."

Hold on: who the hell is this Thierry Henry guy? Surely not Arsenal's record goalscorer, the man who has scored 215 goals in 239 appearances? Why on earth might he be considered more valuable than some short-arsed left-back who missed almost all of last season and then played every game for England in the World Cup?

Every time I hear Ashley Cole whingeing about how poorly treated he was by Arsenal, it's everything I can do to stop myself vomiting. Poor Ashley was promised £60,000 per week by the Arsenal board, who then reneged and offered him a measley £55,000 per week. It's not about the money, you understand, it's about the principle. They never wanted to keep him. They questioned his commitment to the club.

Really? How dare they? Surely you are not the same Ashley Cole who was caught tarting himself out to Chelsea in June 2005? The same Ashley Cole who has shown absolutely no respect for his contract with Arsenal and has actively sought a transfer? Why on earth would they dare to question his commitment to the cause after that?

And does he really, truly believe that he will be well received by the Arsenal fans when he makes his first trip to the Emirates Stadium with Chelsea? Does he really think he has been the blameless victim in all of this?

Poor little millionaire.

He makes me sick.

No one comes out smelling of roses after this whole sordid affair. Not Arsenal (who are paying Gallas more than they refused to pay Cole), not Chelsea and certainly not Ashley Cole himself.

This whole sorry saga represents everything that is bad about football.

Oh hang on, perhaps it's just symptomatic of a sick game.

David Healy for Northern Ireland (vs Spain), 6th September 2006

Predictions time again folks.

Arsenal 2-0 Boro
Bolton 1-0 Watford
Chelsea 2-0 Charlton
Everton 1-2 Liverpool
Man Utd 3-1 Spurs
Newcastle 1-1Fulham
Portsmouth 1-0 Wigan
Sheff Utd 1-1 Blackburn
West Ham 3-2 Villa
Reading 1-1 Man City

And this week’s wildcards – all the teams round our way:

Derby 2-2 Sunderland
Yeovil 0-2 Nottingham Forest
Notts County 2-1 Accrington Stanley
Mansfield 1-2 Hereford

I'd say good luck, but I wouldn't mean it....

Norman Whiteside for Manchester United (v Everton), 18 May 1985

Seeing as this feature seemed to get buried during the World Cup, now we are in the less frenzied league season, I thought I would begin it again. Enjoy (again)...

................................

Well, it's finally here. I am delighted to begin our brand new fortnightly series with the personal thoughts of long-suffering football fans as we plough through the alphabet in our A-Z of Football.

Thanks to everyone for their contributions, and I hope we can pick others up along the way. Without further ado, here's some conjecture on two Scotsman, two pundits, a Chilean, a centre half, three strikers and a pair of buttocks. That's what this great game is all about.

A is for......

...... Alex Ferguson – Lord B

Well, there wasn’t really anywhere else I could start, was there? Since his arrival in 1986, and his near departure in 1990, Sir Alex has become one of the most successful managers in British footballing history, and in terms of trophies, United’s all time most successful.

Most people dislike Ferguson whilst grudgingly accepting his success, and I fall largely into that category. The one thing that separates Fergie from your average punter, however, is his ability to make odd/difficult decisions that the more mortals amongst us find perplexing, but that ultimately turn out for the best.

Look at the transfer record. He has shipped out any number of players supposedly in the prime of their careers and in virtually every instance this decision has been vindicated. Ince. Hughes. Kanchelskis. Butt. Sharpe. Even Keane’s departure saw a newly unshackled United go on a fantastic run of results. The exception that proves this rule is the unexpected sale of Jaap Stam although the future of Ruud van Nistelrooy should provide an interesting topic of conjecture also.

Whilst in charge if United he has guided them to one European Cup, a European Cup Winners Cup, 8 Premier League titles, 5 FA Cups, 2 League Cups, an Intercontinental Cup, a European Super Cup and 5 Charity Shields.

Irreplaceable? No. Perfect? Not nearly. An impossible person to follow into the job? Almost certainly.

........ Clarence Acuna - Ben

Though not the finest player we’ve ever had at St James’ Park, Chilean midfielder Clarence Acuna was at least a real 110%er – more than could be said for most of our foreign imports, and many of the homegrown players too. He arrived in October 2000, established himself in the first team and scored some handy goals. Three years later, having fallen out of favour, he was allowed to leave, apparently so he could look after his sick mother.

But it’s not for his abilities as a footballer or a nurse that he’s remembered. It isn’t even for his name, which conjures up visions of him as a pipe-smoking moustachioed lothario from the 1930s: “Me? Clarence Acuna? In a lady’s boudoir? With my reputation?”

No, what springs to mind when his name is mentioned – and what makes that last vision impossible to sustain – is his phenomenal ugliness. It’s hard to pinpoint quite what it is about him that’s wrong, but his facial features are squashed together so that he seems to have a head as squat as his 5’7” stature. It’s no surprise that when you put his name into Google, the first page listed is on the Ugly Footballers site.

At least the Big Man Upstairs blessed him with footballing talent to compensate, though, eh? Just like Ronaldo, Gianfranco Zola, Nwankwo Kanu, er, Francis Jeffers, Phil Neville, Luke Chadwick… But then there are great players whose faces aren’t so upsettingly unpleasant – so does that mean Clarence sits at home bemoaning his luck and sticking pins into dolls of David Beckham, Frank Lampard, Jamie Redknapp?

.....Added Time – Paul

We all know the score. You're at Old Trafford, clinging on to a 2-1 lead as the clock ticks down and as the ninety minutes expires, up steps the forth official and holds up the board to signal the amount of injury time to be played. The whole ground holds it's breath (except Fergie, who keeps cheing his gum because he already knows what's coming):

20 minutes.

Surely some mistake? Then the fourth official holds up another board which says: "Unless Man Utd score, in which case we can go for a cup of tea"

I realise I'm over exaggerating slightly, but you can guarantee that if your team are doing the business against Man Utd then Fergie will have intimidated the referee to allow his team every possible opportunity to get a goal, and if that means playing on and on into the night, so be it.

...........Tony Adams – Swiss Toni

It used to be true that you knew exactly where you stood with Tony Adams: he was the talented but no-nonsense stopper who captained a boring but successful Arsenal side and sometimes played for England. He was ugly and ungainly. He was a donkey. You knew where you stood with Tony Adams.

And then it all changed.

It all started when he admitted that he was an alcoholic. Before I knew what was happening, Tony Adams had stopped drinking and had turned into some kind of poetry-reading, piano playing Renaissance man. Worse still: the archetypal English stopper had been replaced by some sort of free-spirited libero. I was horrified to see a rejuvenated Adams serenely sailing across the halfway line with hair flowing and the ball at his feet. He would glide into the penalty area and would calmly place the ball beyond the mesmerised goalkeeper.

It was a remarkable transformation, but it was also a terrible betrayal of our history and our heritage. I thought we lived in a world of simple truths, a world where centre-halves knew their place: to kick strikers into the air and the ball into row Z. If I could no longer hold onto those simple truths, then I didn’t know what the hell to believe.

I don’t suppose he’ll be opening a pub anytime soon either.

..........Ron Atkinson - Mike

Bejewelled, huge-headed and orange-skinned, Big Ron was a class act. He was one of the game’s last real characters. He was the kind of man we would all want to be if we were a football manager-turned-pundit…

Until…

Until Big Ron made a racist comment about Marcel Desailly which was broadcast when he thought his mic was switched off.

I read an interview with him about 6 months later. Although still remorseful, sadly, he also tried to excuse himself. He suggested that when he had said “some schools would call Desailly a lazy fucking nigger”, the “some schools” bit referred to a particular person who he had worked with in the past. It wasn’t his racism, he argued, it was this other chap’s. In the article, Ron also wondered why it’s ok for gangsta rappers to use the word “nigger” when he can’t.

Oh dear.

This incident was a shock and a matter of great disappointment for me. I had loved Atkinson’s co-commentary. His “Big-Ronisms” were legendary and I used to discuss them with my students in my A Level English Language class. Whether he invented them or not, he certainly brought many new expressions to the public consciousness. I particularly enjoyed “he’s given that the eyebrows” to describe a flick-on and “Scholes has gone for the Hollywood ball” to describe an over-ambitious pass. According to my projections, if he’d carried on co-commentating for another ten years, he would have become the most prolific wordsmith since Shakespeare. Indeed, like Shakespeare, he even turned verbs into nouns, as in “that’s a great arrive at the far post” (although the “far post” was always the “second stick” to Ron). Ron was quick to pick up on poor ball control, too, once claiming that a player (can’t remember who, but it was probably Heskey) could “trap the ball further than I go on holiday.”

My feelings about him are mixed. In many ways, Ron Atkinson represents my feelings about the game in general: happy memories combined with disappointment, disgust and the feeling that I’ve been cheated and let down.

.......Andy Gray - Paul A

I consider myself to be a fan of football rather than a football fan. There is perhaps a subtle difference between the two. For example I would generally rather watch my team (West Ham) loose a great game than see them grind out a lucky and undeserved victory (a view that I held right up to Steven Gerrard's last minute goal in the Cup!). As a sometimes casual observer of the game, there are many things which
guarantee to ruin my enjoyment of a match and the one that comes top of the list is usually preceded by Richard Keys saying "so its over to our commentary team of Martin Tyler and ANDY GRAY".

I don't know how tough it can be to make a living as a "summariser" but given the generally appalling standards across the board, I assume it must be something of an intellectual challenge. Over the last decade, Andy Gray has raised the bar of commentary gibberish to a level that looked unsurpassable until the recent arrival on the scene of Graeme "he must be blackmailing the BBC'c head of Sport" Le Saux. Even the best efforts of Chris Kamara, David Pleat, Trevor Francis and Ian Wright have been unable to wrest the crown from Andy's head. In the interests of fairness, it has to be said however, that if anyone were ever stupid enough to allow Ian Wright anything more than his current 3 moronic comments per broadcast, Andy could find himself as yesterday's man!

I can only believe that Sky pay Andy by the word (with a premium for filling their "Scottish" quota) but have not included in his contract that repeating the same word or phrase over and over does not count. Andy does at least let his long suffering public have advance warning of impending "wisdom" by prefacing with "you don't need me to tell you......" before going in excruciating detail through whatever it was we didn't need to have pointed out to us. I don't know the details of
Andy's education but if degrees were offered in hindsight or the bloody obvious, never would a double first have been so rightfully awarded.

With all the technology at Sky's fingertips, can they please allow us the "Real" Fanzone which offers the same commentary but with dear old Andy blissfully muted and the old maxim of "less is more" well and truly fulfilled!

Searching on the web for Andy Gray related articles, i came across a biog on the "Celebrity Speakers" site. Whilst i could go through and list all of the supposed "strengths" that Mr. Gray brings as an after-dinner speaker i will content myself with this. Under the "Language" section, we are told that "He presents in English"...you could have fooled me.

.......arse - Sarah

Or more to the point, Souleymane Oulare's arse!

Who? You may well say...

Stoke City had been wallowing in the 2nd Division (now 1st Division, previously 3rd Division) since they moved into their new stadium in 1998. In a bid to avoid the continuing rot an ex Belgian footballer of the year, striker Souleymane Oulare, was brought in during the 2002 January transfer window. Alas, within days of his arrival and before he'd had a chance to feature in a first team game, he was rushed to hospital with what turned out to be a blood clot in his lungs. He was out for the whole season.

In his absence, Stoke somehow managed to improve sufficiently to find themselves in a playoff semi final against arch rivals Cardiff, where they found themselves entering the second leg at Ninian Park 2-1 down (agg). The recently recovered Oulare was brought on as a super sub and a 90th minute strike from Stoke forced the game into extra time – 5 minutes after the Cardiff PA had asked the celebrating Bluebirds to stay off the pitch for the home side’s lap of honour (snigger).

In the 115th minute Stoke were awarded a free kick on the edge of the penalty area, which was taken by Super James O’Connor. The Cardiff goalie read exactly where the ball was headed and was in place to easily stop the shot. Fortunately for Stoke, their Guinean striker also happened to be in place and, as the ball rounded the Cardiff wall, it fortuitously headed directly to his arse and was deflected into the net to provide the winning goal.

Stoke went on to easily win the final two weeks later and clambered back to the 1st Division (now Championship, previously 2nd Division), where they’ve been wallowing ever since. Oulare never played for Stoke again, but his backside has remained a club legend.

.................................................................

Thanks to Mike, Swiss Toni, Sarah, Paul, Ben and Paul A for their contributions.

If you would like to send me a "B is for...." I would love to receive it (I know some of you have already). I'll publish this every other Monday (or so) until we get to "Z"....

William Gallas for France (v Bosnia-Herzogovina), 16 August 2006

Predictions time again. It's International weekend (which I hate as it takes me blinking ages to sort out the scores). Anyway, finger in the air time, unless you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Lithuanian football....

Updated tables on the right. This new scoring system seems to be keeping everything quite close...

Czech Republic v Wales
England v Andorra
Georgia v France
Germany v Republic of Ireland
Italy v Lithuania
Latvia v Sweden
Luxembourg v Holland
Northern Ireland v Iceland
Romania v Bulgaria
Scotland v Faroe Islands

and some random alliterative wildcards:

Brentford v Bradford
Bristol City v Brighton
Basingstoke v Bedford

Stuart Rudd for FC United of Manchester (v Atherton LR), 26 August 2006

A propos nothing in particular, it may interest you to know that after last season's promotion, FC United of Manchester (the Man Utd supporters team) have taken to the North West Counties League Division One like a duck to water.

Played five, won five, for 21, against 1 so far.

This was on top of pre-season victories over Conference sides Halifax Town (4-2 at the Shay) and Leigh RMI (4-0 at Hilton Park). The Halifax game did have the downside however of the home side being so impressed by our best player Steve Torpey that they signed him in the days following the game.

However, FCUM are lining up this season with one R Giggs wearing the number 7 shirt - not that one but as close as you can get as brother Rhodri Giggs is patrolling the right wing (as Swiss Toni pointed out, there probably wasn't that much opportunity on the left wing in his house....)

Pedro Mendes for Portsmouth (v Manchester City), 11 March 2006

I didn't get to see the Ben Thatcher challenge on Pedro Mendes until yesterday. For anyone wanting to relive the horror, you can find it here.

I know there is a lot of hyperbole surrounding football these days, but having watched this particular incident a dozen times, it gets worse with every viewing. I have genuinely not seen a worse assualt (I am reluctant to even call it a challenge considering the ball was long gone and you can tell that Thatcher never gave that the slightest consideration anyway) in a long long time.

This incident has raised a few interesting points.

Firstly, the FA have charged Thatcher with "serious foul play" even though referee Dermot Gallagher dealt with the incident at the time by awarding Thatcher a yellow card. Referees are not allowed to retrospectively upgrade red cards, but the FA is calling the matter "an exceptional case" and has charged the City defender.

I agree with the fact that Thatcher should be sanctioned, but it strikes me as yet another instance of the FA's complete inconsistency in dealing with disciplinary matters. Surely we either use retrospective video evidence, or we don't. If Andy Todd can use video evidence to appeal successfully against a red card then surely the FA ought to be able to use video evidence to retrospectively award a red card?

Secondly, Greater Manchester Police received several complaints following the match about the incident. So far they have not launched an investigation as they have yet to receive a formal complaint from either Mendes, Portsmouth or the FA. Notwithstanding this, it raises the interesting question of whether the police should get involved with incidents that happen on the field of play during a game.

There have been several incidents where they have become involved (and I don't mean for breach of the peace offences) - one recalls Gordon Watson's successful court case against Kevin Gray and Huddersfield when he suffered a double fracture of his leg following a reckless challenge.

There is always an argument trotted out that "if you elbowed someone like that on the street, you would be arrested". Whilst I can see that might be true, it is also true that you don't slide tackle pedestrians, or stand behind them to stop them getting into Sainsburys, or grab hold of their shirt to stop them getting onto the bus. Real life is not a football match. And to some degree a football match is not real life.

In this instance, I would like to see Thatcher banned/sacked/thrown out of the game as necessary as whilst there is a judgement call to be made about what constitutes a tough challenge and what constitutes a physical assault, I think this was so far into that second category that it becomes indefensible. You only have to see the reactions of Harry Redknapp, Mendes himself, other players and Stuart Pearce (who has been magnificent, in my opinion on the whole matter) to see that there is a consensus that what Thatcher did was completely inexcusable.

The final issue this raises is one that has always puzzled me. Referee Dermot Gallagher who only awarded a yellow card to Thatcher is facing a demotion to the Coca-Cola League as a punishment for not sending him off.

I always find this a little bizarre. Surely the Coca-Cola Leagues deserve exactly the same standard of refereeing as the Premiership? If a referee is deemed unsuitable to be officiating in the Premiership, how does that make him competent enough to referee another league? To me, it reinforces the divide between the leagues and somehow suggests that the League is getting an inferior standard of referee. If I was rubbish at my job, they wouldn't just shift me elsewhere to do it for a bit, they would stop me doing it altogether for a period. I don't agree with the demotion of referees anyway - they make mistakes in their job sometimes like we all do - but if they are going to punish referees they should simply suspend them from all competition for a period for "re-training" or something rather than tell Derby or Huddersfield or whoever else that they have a ref officiating their game who was deemed incompetent.

Finally, you will notice that Mike Dean was so scared that he would be demoted to the League's that he sent two players off in the same match yesterday for apparent use of the elbow. Both Herman Hreidarsson and Kevin Davies saw red in the Charlton v Bolton game for this offence. You watch - the knock on effect of demoting referees for not awarding a red card for an elbow will see a flurry of dismissals for this reason. And that can't be good for the game either, can it?

Michael Silberbauer for FC Copenhagen (v Ajax), 23 August 2006

Predictions are here.

I don't know whether it is just me, but it strikes me that the balance of power in European football is shifting very slightly. Well, not even shifting, but that the standard is levelling out a bit.

Yesterdays Champions League draw whilst containing most of the usual suspects struck me as having a few more unlikely/different teams than in previous years. Levski Sofia, Werder Bremen, Spartak Moscow, Bordeaux, Shakhtar Donetsk, Steaua Bucharest, Hamburg, FC Copenhagen and CSKA Moscow. Clearly some of these have played in the tournament before, but I just think it makes the whole competition more interesting to have a greater selection of different teams than watching the same old sides year in year out.

Looking at todays UEFA Cup draw, I just love how exotic European football is. For any football fan there is something romantic about the names of these famous, historic far flung clubs all setting off in a continent wide competition. I think my favourite tie is Atvidabergs FF v Grasshopper-Club closely followed by AS Livorno Calcio v SV Pasching (incidentally, the story of Swedish minnows Atvidabergs is here). The names just seem to conjur up the randomness and vague familiarity that I love about European competition.

Clearly no-one will bother to turn out and watch, like every other season, but good luck to one and all. Particularly to Derry City who drew the mighty Paris St Germain out of the hat today. And to FC Metalurg Zaporizhzhya who have possibly the best, least pronouncable and most-useful-in-Scrabble name of them all. (The full draw is here and thanks to Paul for the link.)

Ole Gunnar Solksjaer for Manchester Utd (v Charlton Athletic), 23 August 2006

Predictions time again.

I hope we have sorted the issues with the scoring........(!)

Charlton v Bolton
Fulham v Sheff Utd
Liverpool v West Ham
Man City v Arsenal
Tottenham v Everton
Watford v Man Utd
Wigan v Reading
Aston Villa v Newcastle
Blackburn v Chelsea
Middlesbrough v Portsmouth

and some random away Counties:

Colchester v Derby County
Swindon v Stockport County
St Johnstone v Ross County

John Fitzgerald for Bury (v Sunderland), 22 August 2006

Just a brief mention to my "second" League team, the mighty Bury who dumped rudderless and now managerless Sunderland out of the Carling Cup tonight.

Two teams with identical records entered the match (played four, lost four) although Sunderland are freshly relegated from the top flight and Bury at the foot of the league.

Goals from John Fitzgerald and Andy Bishop sealed a 2-0 victory for the Shakers.

You watch, Bury will now crumple at home to Grimsby Town on Saturday but you do have to laugh at Sunderland, don't you? (especially as Kevin Phillips took one look at the Mackems offer and immediately signed for West Brom....)

Vincit Omnia Industria - "industry overcomes all things...."

Paul Scholes for England (v Croatia), 21 June 2004

So, the FA have upheld their initial decision and decided to ban both Wayne Rooney and Paul Scholes for three Premiership matches following their sendings off against Porto in the Amsterdam tournament a fortnight ago.

Ignoring the incidents which led to these red cards (Rooney's in particular) the decision to ban them is an absolute disgrace and yet more evidence of the lack of consistency the FA displays and their nonsensical desire to make examples of certain high profile clubs and players.

If you get a red card in an international match, you are banned for a number of international fixtures. If you get a red card in the Champions League, you are banned for a number of European games. So, someone explain to me how a red card in a meaningless pre-season friendly match, against Portuguese opposition, can lead to a three match domestic ban? Surely the most appropriate and logical punishment is a ban for a number of friendly matches? And seeing as the opposition was Porto, perhaps at a push a ban for some European games.

This is all notwithstanding the fact that, for example, Liverpool's Neil Mellor was sent off in the very same Amsterdam tournament in 2003 and received no ban at all. Or how Sheffield United's Ade Akinbiyi was sent off the day after Rooney and Scholes in a friendly match against Sparta Rotterdam and also received no domestic ban.

I am not sure that is is some sort of FA anti-United vendetta, and I am not sure that Rooney throwing his toys out of the pram with the FA is necessarily the best response but I just cannot understand the rationale behind this decision. It strikes me as yet another example of the bungling ineptitude of the FA who couldn't make a consistent decision if their lives depended on it. Sooner or later someone needs to take a grip of the rules of the game and starting treating clubs and individuals fairly and with consistency and not just making an example out of a big name player or club to make themselves look clever.

Andriy Shevchenko for Chelsea (vs Liverpool), 13th August 2006

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The Cheer Up Alan Shearer Premiership Predictions, 2006-7.

(predictions are here - don't miss the first round, for heaven's sake!)

This always takes bloody ages. Apologies if I lose interest before I get to the end....

1. Chelsea

Boring boring boring. I’d love them to be astonishingly shit, but I can’t see them finishing anywhere but first. They’ve just gone and bought bloody Michael Ballack and Andriy Shevchenko.

Watch out for: half of the first team squad going on a march and demanding regime change.

2. Liverpool

Do you think Peter Crouch wakes up in the morning and pinches himself? Has any player made quite the same transformation from sideshow freak to attacking lynchpin for his club and national side? Getting better year on year under Benitez and looks to have added sensibly this time.

Watch out for: Bellamy and/or Pennant getting into trouble on and/or off the pitch.
Inevitable headline: “Speedy Gonzalez”

3. Man Utd

I thought they were rubbish last year, and yet they still somehow managed to finish strongly in second place. They look a striker short, but they’ll have Heinze, Solskjaer and Scholes back this season and Michael Carrick and (possibly) Owen Hargreaves are surely a much better bet than the Djemba-Djembas, Klebersons and Darren Fletchers of this world, aren’t they?

Watch out for: Wayne Rooney getting booked for turning up.

4. Arsenal

Ooooh. Get them in their posh new stadium. Twice the capacity of Highbury, but at what cost? £260m of debt and only one signing thus far (albeit a good one). They’ve still got Thierry Henry, mind you, and he’ll be enough to see them land a top 4 place.

Watch out for: Theo Walcott. Fewer appearances for Arsenal than that Squirrel

5. Tottenham

Martin Jol has done a great job here, hasn’t he? Unlucky to be beaten to that last European Cup slot last season and with a side packed with decent players. Berbatov and Zokora should ensure that they hardly miss Michael Carrick and (ahem) Andy Reid at all. And they’ve got Aaron Lennon too.

Watch out for: Jermaine Defoe spending another season biding his time on the bench as Jol prefers Robbie Keane and Berbatov up front.

6. Blackburn

Ok. So now I’m going to start guessing. If the top 5 pick themselves, then I think it’s fair to say that the next 15 places are more or less entirely up for grabs. Blackburn gave Chelsea a right good going over towards the end of last season, and Mark Hughes is another manager making a name for himself. No Bellamy, but with players like McCarthy, Reid, Bentley, Pedersen and Roberts, should give most sides a good game. Solid defence too.

Watch out for: Robbie Savage. Rarely has a player of so little talent thought so much of himself (with the possible exception of David Beckham)

7. Bolton

If Big Sam can stop crying about the England job and the loss of Dietmar Hamann, then they’ll probably be alright in that not-very-pretty-but-undeniably-effective way.

Watch out for: the bulk of their goals coming from Nolan and Stelios in the midfield.

8. Everton

Hm. Interesting. Could Andy Johnson be the spark they need to haul themselves up the table? Will no doubt be intensely dull to watch, although the old “hoof it to Duncan” tactic will have to be consigned to history with Dunc’n’Disorderly’s retirement.

Watch out for: Jolean Lescott’s haircut – what’s going on there?

9. West Ham

Just how much will Alan Pardew rue England’s friendly with Greece? Thanks to his collison with the colossal bulk of Shaun Wright-Phillips, Dean Ashton will be out of action until November, and with him surely goes West Ham’s Plan ‘A’. Can ‘Marvellous’ Marlon Harewood cover for Ashton’s absence by continuing his barely believable Premiership goalscoring record? Surely not?

Watch out for: Anton Ferdinand’s increasingly excellent “mini-me” impersonation of his Gungan brother. I’m talking about haircuts, obviously.

10. Aston Villa

Two words: Martin O’Neill. Post match interviews should get a whole lot more interesting, anyway. Surely not hard to improve on last year’s flirtation with relegation.

Watch out for: The signing of a big lump to play up front for a more direct style of play.

11. Newcastle

Duff is a great signing, and the midfield has some real talent in the shape of Emre, N’Zogbia, Parker, Milner, Solano and…er… Nicky Butt. But who’s going score the goals?

Watch out for: Glenn Roeder to be under early pressure from idiot chairman Fat Freddie Shepherd.

12. Portsmouth

I’m not sure that Harry Redknapp knows what to do with all that money. It shouldn’t be hard to improve on last year’s near relegation, but any defence containing David James, Sol Campbell and Glenn Johnson is going to have its comedy moments, isn’t it?

Watch out for: Harry’s droopy face. It should be listed by English Heritage and maintained by the National Trust.

13. Charlton

On the face of it, Ian Dowie has an impossible job: how can he ever match up to Curbs? But then again, all he really has to do is to make sure that his side finish as strongly as they start, and he should be fine. Curbs did a brilliant job, but it’s time for the club to take the next step. Are Andy Reid, Jimmy-Floyd, Amady Faye and Djimi Traore the men to take them there? Doubtful.

Watch out for: A shirt big enough for Andy Reid

14. Wigan

A great first season in the Premiership, but they surely can’t do that again

Watch out for: Emile Heskey. The clown is back in town.

15. Man City

I’m bored now. Dull side. Won’t do much.

Watch out for: Kaspar Schmeichel’s nose. Like father like son.

16. Middlesborough

Southgate is a brave managerial appointment, but I think he might find it hard work this season. Julio Arca has always done well for me in Championship Manager though.

Watch out for: Viduka and Yakubu causing minor earth tremors as they lumber into the box.

17. Sheffield Utd

I have a confession: I quite like Neil Warnock and I look forward to seeing what kind of a swathe he can cut in the Premiership. The Blades have been one of the best sides in the Championship for the last five years, and it will be interesting to see how players like Michael Tonge and Phil Jagielka cut the mustard. I’d like them to stay up. I’m not sure they will, but I’d like them too.

Watch out for: Warnock making some misty-eyed remark about his tractor. Oh, and slagging off referees and opponents at every opportunity.

18. Fulham

Struggle – especially if they don’t persuade Steed Malbranque that he’d really like to stay another season.

Watch out for: Brian McBride of course – he is after all (according to David Pleat, who knows these things) pound-for-pound the best striker in the Premiership.

19. Reading

Another side who have been good in the Championship for a number of years and who I would be delighted to see make a decent fist of the Premiership. As a Wolves fan, I’ll be very interested to see how Seol does, but if he’s their biggest signing, then I think they’ll struggle.

Watch out for: erm. Your guess is as good as mine.

20. Watford

Whipping boys, surely?

Watch out for: David Furnish. The thinking man’s WAG.

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It's hard this. Like I say - after the top 5, almost anything could happen.

Should be good, eh?

Theo Walcott for England u-21s (v Moldova u-21s), 15 August 2006

Good lord. Is it that time again, so soon....?

CUAS Premiership Predictions League

Well, as the remaining champion (!) it is time to launch the 2006/7 Premiership Predictions competition. Wahey. Wahoo. (etc). I would also like to extend this invitation to everyone to participate - the more the merrier. Come on, you know you want to.

Slight changes to this years scoring. The points remain the same - 1 point for the correct outcome and 3 points for the correct score - but in order to try and keep the whole thing a bit closer, and, more importantly, to not penalise anyone horrifically if they miss the odd week, I am going to implement a sort of Formula One scoring system.

Whoever scores the most points in any given week will get 10 points. Second scores 8 points, third 6 points, fourth 5 points, fifth 4 points and so on down to one point. Anyone lower than eighth will get a big fat zero.

I am hoping that this should mean the whole thing will not be so much of a "whoever plays every week will win" stroll as missing a week is only equivalent to having a bad week.

Make sense?

Without further ado, let's get this show on the road.

Arsenal v Aston Villa
Bolton v Tottenham
Everton v Watford
Newcastle v Wigan
Portsmouth v Blackburn
Reading v Middlesbrough
Sheff Utd v Liverpool
West Ham v Charlton
Chelsea v Man City
Man Utd v Fulham

Good luck, folks. And here's to a non-Chelsea dominated season.

Didier Drogba for Chelsea (vs Arsenal), 7th August 2005

With the new Premiership season only days away, and before we get down to the serious business of predicting who is going to finish where, I thought it might be nice to have a look back 12 months at last year's season predictions.... (which can be found here)

Here's the table I predicted (with their actual finish in brackets):

1. Chelsea (1st)
Right, but not a terribly difficult prediction to make. Did anyone get this wrong? Picking Wright-Phillips as the player to watch was a bit daft though, although I still maintain he's better than Beckham (who I hope will also be on the bench soon).
"England fans will be praying Lampard & Terry stay fit for summer" Hmmm. Terry anyway.
"I should hate them, but somehow I don't" I do now.

2. Manchester Utd (2nd)
This one was probably a bit tougher to call, and looking back at the table now I'm actually a bit surprised that they managed to finish this high.
"Fortune wears the #25 shirt." Tee hee. Not any more.
"Player to Watch: Alan Smith – is he really the new Roy Keane?" No.

3. Arsenal (4th)
4th was a good finish for them in the end and was only achieved right at the death.
"Leggy Leader lost to Old Lady. Can Gallic genius galvanise greatness for final fling before the Grove?" Oh God, it's Mystic bloody Meg.
"Player to Watch: Cesc Fabregas – filling big boots" And filling them with aplomb.

4. Liverpool (3rd)
Well, they're definitely getting better every season under Benitez, aren't they?
"Freakishly European Champions. Not so much luck in Europe this time, but surely a stronger showing in the league." That's not so very far off the mark is it?
"Player to Watch: Peter Crouch – hard to miss (good touch for a big man, etc.)" And I'm pretty happy with that too.

5. Tottenham (5th)
I'm quite pleased with this prediction. They did really well last year and were ultimately very unlucky to miss out on a place in the European Cup. Martin Jol appears to be doing an excellent job.
"More optimistic than usual with a young squad yet to taste the bitterness and disappointment that are their destiny." A bit harsh really. The future looks bright.
"Player to Watch: Michael Dawson – if he can stay clear of injury" Well, he did get injured a bit, but he was good when he played and is certainly one to watch this year.

6. Boro (14th)
Blimey. Miles off with this one. I obviously gave Second Choice Steve more credit than perhaps he was due (although to be fair he did make the UEFA cup final).
"slightly dull" Only slightly?
"Player to Watch: Gaizka Mendieta – occasionally one of the best players in Europe".... and last season, even less occasionally than usual.

7. Bolton Wanderers (8th)
Not bad. Big Sam's doing a good job up there. They should make the most of the good times whilst they last as surely he won't be there for much longer?
"Since Southampton’s relegation, Big Sam is now the undisputed king of the Used Car Salesman school of management".... and then Harry came back.
"Player to Watch: Stelios – goal-scoring midfield dynamo" 10 goals last year.

8. Everton (11th)
I'm not sure I can remember a single Everton game from last year. Not a single one. I don't think I can remember a goal either. Or who plays for them.
"Only 2 words are needed to summarise the disappointing season ahead: Phil Neville. Oh, and maybe four more for good measure. "Early", "exit", "from" and "Europe"." Fair enough on all counts, I think.
"Player to Watch: Phil Neville – 52 cap England legend" I was JOKING of course.

9. Manchester City (15th)
Only 15th? I thought they'd done better than that. Was Stuart Pearce really a candidate for the England job?
"Psycho Therapy, Psycho Therapy!" He is a very odd looking man though, isn't he?
"Player to Watch: Joey Barton – what will he do next?" Score lots of goals and look to get a transfer?

10. Newcastle (7th)
Started appallingly but Glen Roeder and Alan Shearer did a fantastic job in turning them around. Or actually, perhaps it was just getting rid of Souness that made the difference?
"This great club is being reduced to a laughing stock by the ineptitude of its board and management. Shame". Still true, sadly. Good luck to Glen Roeder though.
"Souness won’t last the season, but Freddie Shepherd has little to be proud of here." Souness is gone, but Shepherd is still there. How has he got the nerve?
"Player to Watch: Scott Parker – point to prove" Very much still true this year.

11. Birmingham (18th)
WRONG! What was I thinking? Bernard Cribbens took them down with something to spare.
"They play a bit like Steve Bruce’s nose looks: ugly, crooked, damaged and yet strangely effective… " Well, all except the effective part.
"Player to Watch: Jermaine Pennant – will he let his football do the talking?" Now to be seen plying his trade at Liverpool.

12. Aston Villa (16th)
Well, at least they have something to look forward to this year. O'Neill can't fail to improve on this, can he?
"Mid-table. Mediocre. Average. Uninspired and uninspiring." Not even that.

13. Blackburn Rovers (6th)
Fair play. Mark Hughes is doing a grand job. Not sure they can top this though.
"Guaranteed to turn any game into an undignified scrap. The wise man gives Premiership Plus a miss if this lot are on. Actually, I think the wise man gives Premiership Plus a miss full-stop" I think they actually belied their reputation for violence last season, but I stand by what I said about Premiership Plus.

14. Charlton Athletic (13th)
Another one that was fairly easy to predict. Good start followed by predictable fall away. Can Dowie make the step-up that Curbs couldn't manage?
"Outside bet for an early managerial casualty?" Not quite, but he knew it was time to go.

15. West Brom (19th)
As a Wolves fan, this was perhaps my strangest prediction. More of the same this year please.
"Should be easier this time around" Er, or perhaps not.

16. Portsmouth (17th)
Well done Harry. Certain relegation avoided thanks mainly to pots of cash. Genius.
"With no Yakubu, goals will be hard to come by and Laurent Robert will storm off in a huff" Did he actually storm off, or did he just flounce about complaining?

17. Fulham (12th)
Cookie Coleman did a brilliant job last year. Surely he can't top this performance.
"Struggle ahoy! If Malbranque leaves, relegation beckons." Well, in my defence, he's still there now, so does that make me sort of half-right?

18. Sunderland (20th)
Big Mick is still a management legend in my books though.
"They just popped up to say hello, and now they’ve gone back down below." Harsh but fair.

19. West Ham (9th)
oops. Nearly right eh?
"Nice to have them back, but I don’t expect an extended stay." And I was pleased to be wrong.
"Player to Watch: Anton Ferdinand – it’s in the blood (allegedly)" It was in the haircut, anyway.

20. Wigan (10th)
To be fair, I don't even think that Wigan fans saw this coming in their wildest dreams.
"Back to the Championship quicker than you can say “parachute payments”" Apparently not. Are they the new Bradford or Ipswich though? Confound critics last year only to slip below in their second season....
"Player to Watch: Nathan Ellington – goals at this level?" For West Brom, yes. Well... a couple.

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It's harder than it looks this. I'll have to have more than about a 5 second think about it this year. I'll get back to you before the big kick off.

Ruud van Nistelrooy for Manchester United (v Fulham), 19 August 2001

Time for one of these, I think...

Lord Bargain - Players I Love - Ruud van Nistelrooy

This man re-ignited my interest in being a Manchester United supporter. I have only ever had one players name on the back of my jersey in all my years watching football, and I shall continue to proudly wear my 2001 "10 - Van Nistelrooy" shirt as long as it survives my washing machine.
For me, he was far more than a prolific goalscorer. From his first game, the fans could tell that we had bought someone who was going to score us goals (two on his Premiership debut) but also someone who was prepared to roll his sleeves up and work hard for the side. His energy levels and capacity to run and run were exactly the sort of things to immediately enamour him to the United faithful.

His goalscoring record at United was immense. 150 goals in 219 appearances. 38 Champions League goals in 47 appearances. A Premiership record for scoring in eight consecutive games. Bear in mind also that for most of this time he was up front on his own with no partner as Ferguson attempted to put the square pegs of Juan Veron and latterly Roy Keane into the round hole of the centre of United's midfield.

I don't think I have ever seen a player as capable of controlling a ball instantly, irrespective of at what height it came to him and at what pace as the Dutchman. He could kill any ball stone dead on his chest or with his huge feet, with his back to goal. He is also blessed with much more pace and skill than you would be led to believe, and his penalty technique (save for one memorable miss against Arsenal) is also ice-cool.

van Nistelrooy also managed to largely achieve one of the most difficult things a United player can manage - that is the ability to be respected and generally tolerated by fans of other clubs. Most United players tend to be bitterly hated by opponents, but I always got the impression that van Nistelrooy - a model professional with integrity if ever there was one - was begrudgingly admired by other football fans. Sure, he had a tendency to go down a bit easily in the penalty area at cerain times, but his work rate and finishing were second to none.

And now, he's off to Spain with his name added to the list of ex-United greats who crossed Sir Alex. His recent performances for both United and Holland have not been up to his previously high standards (although remember he nearly ended up being the Premiership's top goalscorer last season having not played much after February) and so perhaps the timing of his departure was right. I will just always remember the committed, skilful and polished goalscorer that graced Old Trafford for five years.