Ryan Giggs for Manchester Utd (vs Chelsea), 5th August 2007

Given that we've just sat through the Community Shield and a new season is already upon us, I thought it was probably about time that we picked over the bones of my predictions for last season.

1. Chelsea [actual position: 2nd]

I said: "Boring boring boring. I’d love them to be astonishingly shit, but I can’t see them finishing anywhere but first. They’ve just gone and bought bloody Michael Ballack and Andriy Shevchenko."

Hmm. Actually they had a really difficult season (by their standards) and still nearly one. Ballack and Shevchenko possibly overrated..... by me and by Jose Mourinho anyway.

2. Liverpool [actual position: 3rd]

I said: "Getting better year on year under Benitez and looks to have added sensibly this time."

True enough, but another good run in the Champions League and slow progress in the league. was right about Craig Bellamy getting into trouble too! FORE!

3. Man Utd [actual position: 1st]

I said: "I thought they were rubbish last year, and yet they still somehow managed to finish strongly in second place. They look a striker short, but they’ll have Heinze, Solskjaer and Scholes back this season and Michael Carrick and (possibly) Owen Hargreaves are surely a much better bet than the Djemba-Djembas, Klebersons and Darren Fletchers of this world, aren’t they?"

... and I picked them to finish 3rd?

I'll get my coat.

4. Arsenal [actual position: 4th]

I said: "Ooooh. Get them in their posh new stadium. Twice the capacity of Highbury, but at what cost? £260m of debt and only one signing thus far (albeit a good one). They’ve still got Thierry Henry, mind you, and he’ll be enough to see them land a top 4 place."

Well, right about 4th... but they did it mostly without Henry.

5. Tottenham [actual position: 5th]

I said: "Martin Jol has done a great job here, hasn’t he? Unlucky to be beaten to that last European Cup slot last season and with a side packed with decent players".

obvious, but true. I was right about Defoe stewing on the bench too. With the signing of Darren Bent, why exactly is he still there?

6. Blackburn [actual position: 10th]

I said: "Ok. So now I’m going to start guessing. If the top 5 pick themselves, then I think it’s fair to say that the next 15 places are more or less entirely up for grabs."

So true.

I also said: "No Bellamy, but with players like McCarthy, Reid, Bentley, Pedersen and Roberts, should give most sides a good game. Solid defence too."

Perhaps I was a bit optimistic, but they did okay and I expect the same this year too.

7. Bolton [actual position: 7th]

I said: "If Big Sam can stop crying about the England job and the loss of Dietmar Hamann, then they’ll probably be alright in that not-very-pretty-but-undeniably-effective way."

Ha. Just ignore what I said about Nolan and Stelios being their main goalscorers, and I look like a genius with this one. Newcastle would be happy if Sam delivers this for them in 2007/8 won't they?

8. Everton [actual position: 6th]

I said: "Will no doubt be intensely dull to watch"

Yup.

9. West Ham [actual position: 15th]

I said: "Just how much will Alan Pardew rue England’s friendly with Greece? Thanks to his collison with the colossal bulk of Shaun Wright-Phillips, Dean Ashton will be out of action until November, and with him surely goes West Ham’s Plan ‘A’. Can ‘Marvellous’ Marlon Harewood cover for Ashton’s absence by continuing his barely believable Premiership goalscoring record? Surely not?"

I was right, but I certainly never saw their season coming.

10. Aston Villa [actual position: 11th]

I said: "Two words: Martin O’Neill. Post match interviews should get a whole lot more interesting, anyway. Surely not hard to improve on last year’s flirtation with relegation."

Well, we're still waiting. They were dull last year, albeit much improved. It should be interesting to see if O'Neill has moved them forwards much this year.

I also said: "Watch out for: The signing of a big lump to play up front for a more direct style of play."

John Carew anyone?

11. Newcastle [actual position: 13th]

I said: "Watch out for: Glenn Roeder to be under early pressure from idiot chairman Fat Freddie Shepherd."

Roeder went eventually, and finally fat Freddie has followed him out the door. Surely better things ahead?

12. Portsmouth [actual position: 9th]

I said: "I’m not sure that Harry Redknapp knows what to do with all that money. It shouldn’t be hard to improve on last year’s near relegation, but any defence containing David James, Sol Campbell and Glenn Johnson is going to have its comedy moments, isn’t it?"

Well, wrong on almost every count. They had a great season and their defence was magnificent.

13. Charlton [actual position: 19th]

I said: "On the face of it, Ian Dowie has an impossible job: how can he ever match up to Curbs?"

Yes.

14. Wigan [actual position: 17th]

I said: "A great first season in the Premiership, but they surely can’t do that again"

No, they couldn't.

15. Man City [actual position: 14th]

I said: "I’m bored now. Dull side. Won’t do much."

Yup.

16. Middlesborough [actual position: 12th]

I said: ....nothing of interest at all. But look at them. Can you blame me?

17. Sheffield Utd [actual position: 18th]

I said: "I have a confession: I quite like Neil Warnock and I look forward to seeing what kind of a swathe he can cut in the Premiership. The Blades have been one of the best sides in the Championship for the last five years, and it will be interesting to see how players like Michael Tonge and Phil Jagielka cut the mustard. I’d like them to stay up. I’m not sure they will, but I’d like them too."

So nearly right.....

18. Fulham [actual position: 16th]

I said: "Struggle – especially if they don’t persuade Steed Malbranque that he’d really like to stay another season."

Well, Malbranque left and they're still hanging on in there.

19. Reading [actual position: 8th]

I said: "Another side who have been good in the Championship for a number of years and who I would be delighted to see make a decent fist of the Premiership. As a Wolves fan, I’ll be very interested to see how Seol does, but if he’s their biggest signing, then I think they’ll struggle."

Wrong. They were brilliant and Coppell was justifiably manager of the season too. Seol did a job for them too...

20. Watford [actual position: 20th]

I said: "Whipping boys, surely?"

All too predictable.

---

If I get half an hour at work in the next week, I'll try and whip up my totally unscientific thoughts on this year's league too.

---

The actual premiership table:

1 Man Utd
2 Chelsea
3 Liverpool
4 Arsenal
5 Tottenham
6 Everton
7 Bolton
8 Reading
9 Portsmouth
10 Blackburn
11 Aston Villa
12 Middlesbro'
13 Newcastle
14 Man City
15 West Ham
16 Fulham
17 Wigan
18 Sheff Utd
19 Charlton
20 Watford

Jon Stead for Sheffield United (v Wigan Athletic), 13 May 2007

I know you shouldn't laugh, but this is the funniest football story I've read for a while.

Ex-Sheffield United manager Colin Wanker has claimed in his new book that Hollywood legend Sean Bean made his family cry with a swear-filled rant.

Apparently, after the Blades were relegated last season, Alec Trevelyan off of Goldeneye made his way to Warnock's office and confronted Mrs Wanker and their five year old son. "It's your f*cking husband that got us relegated. He's a f*cking w*nker" yelled the eldest son of Denethor II, Steward of Gondor and Minas Tirith.

Warnock claimed he "never really rated his opinion on football". Takes one to know one, I suppose.

Landon Donovan for LA Galaxy (v Chivas de Guadalajara), 29 July 2007

On the basis that I saw three Beckham LA Galaxy shirts at the second test today, do you think their marketing and merchandising policy might already be in full effect....?

Patrice Evra (for Manchester United) v FC Seoul, 20 July 2007

Taking up the excellent point made by United 113 in the last comments, I have today received an update from the Manchester United Supporters Trust (MUST) about the ongoing fight with the club over their controversial "Automatic Cup Ticket Scheme" (ACS).

United are clearly having difficulties because of the number of Season Ticket (ST) holders who have not renewed or who refuse to join the ACS. Numbers are hard to confirm, but we have it on good authority that over 6,000 ST holders have not renewed (and that more will give up their ST by refusing to join the ACS before the deadline imposed by the club). We don't doubt that there will shortly be an announcement of record sales and that all STs have sold out but the fact is that anyone can ring up the ticket office today (we've checked) and buy a Season Ticket while United have been claiming they have a huge waiting list.

Having claimed to have a waiting list of around 13-14,000 - in itself a 'stick' with which to threaten ST holders that if they didn't renew, others would be clambering over them to take up their ticket – we are now seeing the reality. The fabled waiting list a phantom one. United has already resorted to offering ST to all-comers on its website and even giving away free tickets in draws. As soon as supporters realise that there is not a huge excess demand for STs, and that it becomes easier to obtain matchday tickets, the whole carefully-nurtured edifice of exclusivity and unattainability comes crashing down. If that happens it should be welcomed by all supporters as it will bring some balance back to the currently exploitative power relationship between the owners of the club and its supporters."

United have now set a deadline of 27th July for ST holders to join the scheme otherwise their ST will be invalidated/cancelled. Interestingly, this is before the date of 2nd August when the club have to respond to the court claim made against them by disillusioned ST holder John Mayall.

What to do? Under the terms and conditions, the club reserve the right to charge for my season ticket, cancel it and refuse to refund me my £722 if I fail to join the ACS before the deadline. The more likely route is for them to cancel it on 28th July and refund me my money. Clearly I'd rather not do that, and so my remaining option is to sign up for this ridiculous scheme and continue to lobby with the thousands of other fans to get this decision overturned.

Darren Fletcher for Manchester United (v Urawa Red Diamonds), 17 July 2007

So, following my letter to David Gill about this greedy nonsense I have had two responses. Both have succeeded in making me more angry than before.

Karl Evans is Director of Venue (what that means, Jesus only knows). He assures me that "...we do take a great deal of time and put a great deal of thought into our pricing policies". That made me feel much better, knowing that a double figure hike in ticket prices had at least been carefully considered. He then claims that "the club still offers a cheaper priced ticket than most in the league". I've been keeping an eye on this claim for a while, and it is nothing more than a clever bit of spin by United. A few years back, the general ticket prices were cheap in relation to other top flight clubs. Today, as Karl says, "...admittedly [the club] is in the upper section on higher price tickets". What this means is that the general cost of admission is significantly higher in relation to other clubs that it has been in recent seasons, but United maintain a small amount of low priced tickets (you ought to see how far back/high up you'd be in these seats, incidentally) in order that they can claim the nice PR of having low priced tickets.

Clever.

"With regard to the automatic cup ticket scheme, the club decided to make this compulsory to increase operational efficiency."

What a load of old cobblers. Not only is this a *completely* different answer to the one provided by David Gill in the other letter I received (see later) but it's also some absolutely groundless management speak. "Operational efficiency" = United make more money.

"In the case where tickets are not required there is always the possibility of utilising the Viagogo ticket exchange system..." I like the use of the word "possibility", there. He also ignores the fact that the Viagogo exchange system adds 20-25% to the face value of the ticket (with the charges involved).

And then we come to the letter from David Gill's office which is as rude as it is abrupt.

"Making the cup scheme compulsory affects around a quarter of the 57,000 Season Ticket holders." (a good argument to start with. The Government should try passing laws that make 25% of the populations life worse under that rationale). "By not including the Cup games in a higher priced season ticket..." (is making cup tickets compulsory not exactly the same thing?) "...the Club has rejected the policy of many other clubs who insist on payment at the start of the season for cup matches that may not happen."

Anyone else know of a club that includes cup matches in a higher priced season ticket that they buy up-front? Please tell me, as I'd love to know.

"This was a business decision made by the Board of Directors and unfortunately there can be no exceptions".

Nice.

So, let me recap. It only affects 14,000 people (coincidentally, this is the same number as United have claimed are on their waiting list for season tickets. If we all therefore sent them back they'd exactly replace us with the waiting list.) It is for reasons of "operational efficiency" (the club sell all their seats up front). There is an admittance the tickets are expensive in relative terms.

My favourite part of the responses however is this:

"....admittedly [the club] is in the upper section on higher price tickets but considering the quality of the entertainment I think this is reasonable to expect."

How dangerous is it to link the cost of the tickets to the "quality of the entertainment"? So, does that mean we can claim a refund for a dour 0-0 draw? If we finish 8th in successive seasons the cost of tickets is going to fall? If we lose a game do we get a full refund?

I have seen nothing in either of these replies that softens my stance on this - indeed I am less convinced now than I was before. The fight continues....

Wayne Rooney for Manchester United (v AC MIlan), 24 April 2007

You may have seen snippets of this story over the last few weeks.

Manchester United have implemented a new ticketing policy which makes it compulsory for season ticket holders to join the club's "automatic cup ticket scheme". This means that season tickets for the forthcoming 2007/8 season won't be released by the club to supporters until they agree to sign-up for the scheme. What the scheme does is automatically debit your credit or debit card with the payment and issue any home cup tickets during the season (Carling Cup, FA Cup and the Champions League).

So, despite a 14% hike in season ticket prices (compared with those clubs who under the new TV deal have reduced or frozen prices), United fans are now forced to shell out up to an additional £380 a season. (Interestingly, the news of the season ticket price increase was released the morning after United had beaten AC Milan 3-2 in the Champions League semi-final. Some Blairite tactics if ever I've seen them.)

The clubs defence of this policy is unsurprisingly arrogant. They argue that there is a waiting list of 14,000 for season tickets (which to me reads "take it or leave it".) They also argue that unwanted tickets can be sold on the Manchester United Ticket Exchange (true, but the fees payable for selling through the exchange add 20-25% to the face value of the ticket).

I wrote to David Gill just under a fortnight ago complaining about this ludicrous policy as often, due to work commitments I can't attend midweek fixtures. I also consider that the price of my season ticket rising from £475 in 2005/6 to £722 in 2007/8 is a steep enough increase without the additional cost of cup tickets (knockout stage Champions League tickets for example are more expensive than an equivalent league game). As yet, I have had no response.

Yesterday, I read that with the support of the Manchester United Supporters Trust (MUST) a supporter is taking the club to court over this policy. I am absolutely delighted that this is the case and I immediately emailed Nick Towle, chairman of MUST to offer my support. I understand from his response today that a class action is expensive although he expects further individual court cases to follow. He has added my name to a growing list of over 100 supporters who are prepared to challenge this policy in the courts.

United know full well that they have their loyal support over a barrel. If anyone fails to renew their season ticket in disgust at their increasing greed and arrogance, there are 14,000 waiting to take it off them. If I knew that I could send my season ticket back and tell them to stick it and then at some point in the future decide to renew, I'd do it. But I can't. So I am either be forced to accept whatever daft, unfair policy they introduce at any given moment, or kiss goodbye to watching them again for good.

I'm not surprised that long-time fans across the Premiership are turning their backs on their teams in favour of returning to grass-roots lower league football where you're treated like a supporter and not like a revenue stream. United might generate a stadium full of rich glory hunters now, but when the bubble bursts it's us they'll expect to fall back on...

Ariel Ortega for River Plate (v Quilmes), 18 March 2007

It's the 18th March in the Clausira title race. As the clash between Quilmes and River Plate meanders towards a 0-0 draw, a right wing cross is played into the Quilmes area. Expecting a challenge from the goalkeeper, Ariel Ortega closes his eyes and launches himself towards the ball. He misses the header but the ball deflects off his hand into the back of the Quilmes net.

Referee Daniel Giminez awards a goal and River win the game 1-0. "I saw the hand of Ortega, but a referee must judge intention and in this case, it was clear that he tried to head the ball and then it accidentally bounced off his hand. If it happens somewhere else on the pitch it's not considered handball, so why should it be in the area?"

This has caused some debate, even within FIFA. Michel Vautrot from their Referee Committee argued "A goal can never be scored with the hand. Intention is not relevant in that case." However, Jose Maria Garcia Aranda, director of FIFAs Department of Referees argued "A referee always decides if the hand has been intentional. And if he considers it was not, the goal is valid."

Intuitively, one's initial reaction is that a goal scored with the hand should be chalked off no matter what. However the notion of intent, and the fact that an unintentional handball in the penalty box by a defender should go unpunished does raise some doubt. What's your view?

(credit to June 2007's "Four Four Two" for the piece.)

Jose Antonio Reyes for Real Madrid (v Real Mallorca), 17 June 2007

It's a bit boring this summer with no football on. No World Cup, no European Championships. I've even tried watching some of the under-21 Championship (not that interesting, believe me).

Anyway, believe it or not the new season starts on Saturday as teams from as far and wide as Iceland, Slovenia and Andorra kick off the first-legs of their first round Inter-Toto cup matches.

Any competition containing a team called FC Honka is OK with me.
Here we go again, then....

Peter Crouch for England (v Estonia), 6 June 2007

Fortuitously, some would say, I missed most of the England v Estonia game last Wednesday night as I was flying to Bratislava for the wedding of fellow contributor Swiss Toni.

I arrived in my hotel room and flicked on the TV and after a bit of channel-hopping I happened upon the match on EuroSport (about 75 minutes in).

After a moment I realised that it had the benefit of German commentary and so stuck with it for a few minutes. Just as I was about to turn off and go out for some dinner, the commentator went very silent and the camera panned to a close-up of the English football pin-up and legend above.

Some silence. And then the German commentator broke the silence.

"DIE TOWER."

Glad it's not just us, eh?

Carlos Tevez for West Ham United (v Manchester United), 13 May 2007

The Cheer Up Alan Shearer 2006/7 Predictions League

And so, another long and tiring season draws to a close and whilst the last of the domestic football matters was decided on Monday, there is one large shiny pot left to present before we disappear into a summer bereft of any football whatsoever (apart from the Copa America. And the Inter-Toto will be back before you know it.)

And, despite scoring no points in a nervy last week, the mantle of CUAS Predictions Champion passes to the legend known only as: El Tel.

A majestic victory. Well done indeed.

Congratulations to everyone else also - the new scoring system certainly made things a bit closer than the previous season. Thanks to everyone who took part and, rest assured, it will be back for a brand new season in August...

Andres Vasquez for IFK Gothenburg (v Orebro SK), 7 May 2007

101 Great Goals #81 - Andres Vasquez

The thing with great goals is that sometimes you think you have seen them all. You've seen wonder-strikes, outrageous volleys and mazy dribbles leaving defenders on their arse.

And then you see something like this. This is just something very, very special.

Cristiano Ronaldo for Manchester Utd (v Manchester City), 5 May 2007

The latest instalment in the excellent A-Z of Football is here.

So, we're into the final week of the predictions league, and it looks very much like El Tel might wrest the Predictions title from, er, me. Barring an awful week, of course (no pressure, or anything....)

Blackburn 2-0 Reading
Bolton 1-1 Aston Villa
Chelsea 2-0 Everton
Liverpool 2-0 Charlton
Man Utd 1-0 West Ham
Middlesbrough 2-1 Fulham
Portsmouth 2-2 Arsenal
Sheff Utd 2-1 Wigan
Tottenham 2-0 Man City
Watford 0-1 Newcastle

and as a wildcard, name a country that finishes in the top 3 in the Eurovision Song Contest (for 3 points)

Serbia

Alan Hansen for Liverpool (v Dymano Dresden), 19 October 1977

The A-Z of Football

H is for....Havant-A-Clue Ville - (Skif)

I can handle anything from a chant, largely speaking. I can be sworn at, told that I’m not singing anymore or that my team has an inferior ground, and zero fans with which to fill it. None of it phases me, particularly the latter which taken (mostly) literally, suggests that, as I’ve feared since doing A-level philosophy, I do not really exist at all, but rather am an imaginational figment inside the swede of a drunk Tamworth fan. I’m sure we’ve all been frozen by that particular fear at one time or another.

However, despite my mallard-esque waterproof spine when it comes to opposition choral blather, this doesn’t apply when reading the inane rantings of cads of the most unscrupulous kidney (to borrow C.B. Fry’s phrasing, I’d call ‘em c**** myself) on that there interweb. It’s not even the vitriol spout from behind the cowardly cloak of anonymity that gets me the most, even though it does get me, but actually where a trite, playground insult appears from nowhere, in an otherwise rational missive.

It is perhaps sad that I should get wound up most by those refer to Havant & Waterlooville as ‘Havant-A-Clue Ville’. Taking a step back, it’s not the worst re-appropriation (although it’d surely have worked better had the tally of syllables matched), but like any of these insults that merely twist the name or just change a single letter, it may not hurt, but Christ they’re annoying when they’re used even by people who aren’t embittered by the grievances of local/historic rivalry.

Elementary research into this area this morning has thrown up Lincoln City’s ground as now being the rather benignly perverted sounding Sincil Wank, courtesy a Boston fan; Brighton & Homo Albion, which came, I imagine, from either a Crystal Palace fan (who may well inhabit “Smelhurst Park” of a Saturday), a big plank of a homophobe, or maybe both; and, of course, a Shitty for every City you can name.

Of course, less cerebral Newcastle fans will have gone down the Blunderland route over the years, while ‘Mackems’ is used interchangeably by the Toon and the Black Cats, apparently both positively and negatively. Indeed, fans of Hartlepool and Ipswich appear to have embraced Monkey Hangers and Tractor Boys, while Brighton & Hove have rebuffed nicknames such as those above by apparently being known to sing “1-0 to the shirt-lifters” when the situation permits.

With the really big long-standing hate-filled rivalries, the original team name will disappear from usage amongst the opposition to be replaced forevermore by the new name. Certainly, closest to home for me in that respect is the Portsmouth/Southampton rivalry. That Portsmouth call Southampton ‘scum’ was supposed to be due to its acronym for ‘Southampton City Union Men’ referring to Southampton dockers breaking a Portsmouth picket line in the 30’s. There isn’t much evidence for this and, besides, ‘scum’ appears to be the go-to insult in all derby day relations. Southampton’s rebuttal for ‘scum’ is ‘skate’, referring to Portsmouth’s Royal Naval history. However I’m not entirely clear whether this refers to Portsmouth sailors smelling like fish or due to their having regularly made the beast with two backs, a few gills and a plate of chips on the side with their friends from the sea. Under the law of football insults, I think I should assume the latter.

Me? Of course, I’m above such pettiness. You can ask anyone.

Except, maybe, the supporters of Aldershit.

H is for....Half Time Draw (Lord Bargain)

Being as I have a reasonably strong bladder and no desire for overpriced Bovril, I find myself at my seat during the half time interval at the vast majority of United matches. Despite Old Trafford's huge capacity, the mid-game break at the Theatre of Dreams is, and I am being polite, utterly dreadful.

If we are very lucky, we get a series of fat blokes who have won a competition on the back of Sugar Puffs who lumber on to take penalties against our fourth choice youth team goalie. Not that it's predictable, but if one of them scuffs both of theirs horribly, they get another go. If one sends a pinpoint spot-kick into the top corner, a chorus of "Fergie, Fergie, sign him up" rings around the stadium.

The other way the United staff have come up with to make the half-time break less boring is the Half Time Cashdash Draw. Tickets are on sale on the way into the ground for £1 with the chance of winning cash prizes up to £2,000. As the teams amble off the pitch, two blokes lug on a big red tombola drum in preparation for the draw.

But, and here's the thing, we get a Minor Celeb to draw the raffle. Now, to be fair, they are hardly Hollywood A-list. Mostly, they tend to be Coronation Street stalwarts or C-list "celebrity" United fans. I have lost count of the amount of times Kevin Webster or Russell "bloody" Watson have trotted on to draw the numbers.

The reason I mention this, however, is that the half-time draw on one occasion did provide one of my all time favourite Old Trafford moments.

Some years ago, the half-time whistle went during a Premiership game in which the home side had struggled. It was 1-1 and we weren't playing all that well. Out came the announcer and the red raffle bin and the spiel about today's "special guest" began. The announcer prattled excitedly about how he was one of the UK's leading sportsmen. How he was in the World top 10, the seven times Order of Merit winner etc etc etc. "Ladies and Gentlemen - Colin Montgomerie!..."

Monty, eh? Quite a top sportsperson. And more famous than Martin Platt, clearly. And so, as he made his way onto the pitch, he got some decent applause and a good, friendly reception. He pulled some numbers from the hat, and then the announcer decided to have a word.

"Enjoying the game?" he asked. "Oh yes," Monty replied. And then he did something which, to this day, I don't understand. "But it's not the best result for us right now. I'm actually a Leeds fan."

Why would you? In front of 67,000 people, why, when you are a bit of a sporting legend who has just experienced a pretty warm welcome, would you admit to being a supporter of our most hated rival?

Following the loud chorus of "booos", he left the pitch. To the loudest chant of "you fat bastard" I have ever heard in my decades of attending football.

Pillock.

H is for...Alan Hansen (Ben)

Time was when you knew exactly what professional footballers would do when they retired: either go into coaching and then management, or run a pub.

No longer.

There is now a new profession to which more and more ex-pros are drawn, one which has developed as a result of increasing numbers of games being televised. Yes, I’m talking about punditry.

The allure of a career in punditry is obvious: it enables ex-professionals to stay in the game and in the limelight, and flatters them into thinking that their opinions are inherently valuable and of interest to the viewing fan. To be qualified to be a pundit, it seems all you need is to have played the game, and not necessarily at the highest level possible – no matter whether you struggle to articulate yourself and whether, on those rare occasions when you do succeed in saying something intelligible, you prove to be about as insightful as a myopic mole in a sack.

Let’s examine the evidence.

Robbie Earle: has he ever said anything remotely interesting?

Ian Wright: over-excitable and incoherent, far better suited to being a children’s entertainer.

Andy Townsend: a textbook case of someone’s ego swelling to monstrous proportions through being invited to share his opinions / deliver his verdicts on a regular basis.

Our very own Alan Shearer, I must grudgingly admit, hardly sparkles, his monotone unlikely to illuminate much (even if I don’t think he’s as bad as is often made out).

And then there’s Garth fucking Crooks.

Yes, the pundits actually worth their salt are few and far between. But one man stands out as a shining example to the others: Alan Hansen.

As far as I can tell, Hansen’s been there pretty much from the beginning. He’d be well within his rights to consider himself the Grandfather Of Punditry. I am one of those football fans who, too young to have seen him in his playing pomp for Liverpool, know him far better as the man sat to Gary Lineker’s right, and one of the main reasons for the clear superiority of the BBC’s football coverage over that of ITV and Sky.

Sure, he has an occasional tendency to lapse into self-parody with those quick-fire assessments of players (“Power, pace, precision” etc) and the references to someone’s “left peg”, but he can be excused that for his frequently perceptive analysis of the match at hand. Rather than continually referring back to his own playing days (as others do), he brings his knowledge of the game to bear upon the present proceedings with greater subtlety.

If the objective of his profession is, at root, to explain and inform, then Hansen should be commended as the pundit who makes by far the most astute and enlightening observations on tactics and formations, observations which are always substantiated by clips. Listen to Ian Wright and you’re invariably bombarded with the jibberings of an idiot with ADHD; listen to Hansen and you’re likely to learn something.

There is, I think, a young pretender in town in the form of Gavin Peacock – certainly the best of the new breed – but Hansen should hold onto the throne for a good while yet.

H is for....hatred (Swiss Toni)

Anyone with even the most passing acquaintance with Sky Sports 3 will know that there are many sports in the world. I’m sure that speedway has many virtues and is, in its own right, every bit as good as football… but it doesn’t quite get the same crowds, does it? You might be able to cram 100,000 people into the MCG for the Boxing Day Test or for the AFL finals, but surely it is only football that can pack in the crowds in their thousands week in, week out. Relegation threatened West Ham are regularly watched by crowds approaching 35,000. Hell, even 6,000 people turned up to watch the dogfight between Wrexham and Torquay at the bottom of League Two. Whatever else it might be, football is certainly box office.

For all those people pushing through the turnstiles though, there’s one thing about football crowds that really disturbs me: the hatred. Take a snapshot of almost any football crowd at any game and tell me what you see. I’ll tell you what I see: I see faces contorted with anger and hatred, many frozen in a grotesque rictus, midway through hurling abuse at any or all of the referee, the opposition, or their own players. Think of the chants: many are undeniably entertaining, but how many of them are not at the expense of someone else? How many celebrate achievement without denigrating someone else’s failure? I realise that this is true of all sports crowds to some extent, but I cannot say that I have seen it to anything like the same extent when watching rugby or cricket as I have when watching football.

Perhaps the fans take their cue from the players. I know that the stakes are high, but how many decisions are accepted without a barrage of abuse at the officials? How often do you see the referee surrounded by screaming players all seeking retribution or to have a decision reversed that will never be reversed? Where does all this hatred and anger come from? Can it possibly be justified? Should we just shrug and accept it?

Of course I’m generalising. I know I’m generalising. After all, football is family entertainment now, isn’t it?

No?

H is for....haircut (Paul)

No sport in the world can boast a greater impact on the hairstyles of a nation more than football. In recent times, this has best been embodied by David Beckham - whose changing haircuts during his tenure as England Captain saw thousands of kids heading to school with a range of haircuts, some of which were downright ridiculous (Becks mohican instantly springs to mind).

However, whilst Beckham may be rightly regarded as a football hairstyle criminal, guilty of repeated crimes against sound barbering practice, he is by no means the only guilty party.

Who could forget the nasty perms which adorned Liverpool legends Souness and McDermott, the mullets of Hoddle and Waddle, the massive barnet of Columbian legends Higuita and Valderrama, and don't even get me started on the divine ponytail Roberto Baggio, or that stupid wedge that Ronaldo sported at the World Cup in Japan.

It may be a cheap shot, but mocking footballers for crap haircuts is something which is clearly part and parcel of the game. From Charlton's comb over to Rio's dreads it's clear that an ability to kick a piece of leather doesn't imbue you with an innate understanding of what makes a good haircut, and the fortunes that players are now paid only seeks to detach them from reality to the point where crap haircuts seem like a good idea.

That's all well and good - if players want to look like idiots, let them. But please, if you or anyone you know thinks that copying a footballer's haircut is acceptable in everyday society, stop, go and find someone whose opinion you trust, and ask them to slap you until you see sense. Just think of the money you'll save.

...................................................................

More excellent pieces, there. And more swearing than we have previously encountered. Never a bad thing....

Clarence Seedorf for AC Milan (v Manchester Utd), 2 May 2007

So, sometimes you just have to semi-grudgingly admit that you came up against a side that were Miles Better than you and get on with it. So, on that note, back to domestic business for the Premiership's top 2....

(is it me, or can you only really win the Premiership or the Champions League? If so, are Liverpool absolute bleeding genius for simply ensuring qualification by being marginally better domestically than Bolton and just playing 12 or so important games a season?)

Aston Villa 2-1 Sheff Utd
Everton 1-0 Portsmouth
Fulham 1-1 Liverpool
Man City 1-3 Man Utd
Newcastle 2-1 Blackburn
Reading 2-0 Watford
West Ham 1-0 Bolton
Wigan 2-1 Middlesbro'
Arsenal 1-1 Chelsea
Charlton 2-2 Tottenham

and seeing it's happening this week, why not lets have wildcards for (3 points each):

Chelsea 1-0 Man Utd
First goalscorer: Lampard
First booking: Scholes

Wayne Rooney for Sozzchester Academicals (vs Deleriously Dillusional), 28 April 2007

As the defending champion in my office fantasy league, this has been a difficult season for me. A succession of 50:50 decisions on team selection at the start of the season all landed the wrong way, and I have spent much of the year propping up the table. There has been a bit of a minor turnaround in my fortunes over the last couple of months and my team has made a concerted effort to reach mid-table respectability -- a turnaround, it has to be said, that was largely triggered when Lord Bargain took over as caretaker manager whilst I was away on holiday for 3 weeks in March.

Still. I never saw this coming. I finished 7th in the entire Fantasy League in the April Manager of the Month competition. I don't know how many players there are in the League in total, but given that I finished 22,527th in the November competition, I reckon that's pretty good going. It doesn't do very much for my overall league position, where I remain 8,739th in the big league and a very disappointing 5th out of 8 in the office league (where the leader is more than 100 points clear and pushing for a place in the overall top 50).

It's a funny old game.

And they say that the Premiership is the best league in the world....

Philip Cocu for PSV Eindhoven (v Vitesse Arnhem), 29 April 2007

After all that, an amazing day on the last day of the Dutch season saw PSV retain the Eredivisie title after all.

Leaders AZ, reduced to 10 men after just 19 minutes of their game, went down 3-2 to a last minute goal at Excelsior. Even a draw wouldn't have been enough, as second place Ajax won 2-0 at Willem II.

However, third place PSV not only overhauled the points total of Ajax and AZ but also the goal difference as they smashed Vitesse 5-1 at the Philips Stadion to win the title on goal difference by one goal. Their captain and inspiration Philip Cocu scored the vital and decisive goal in the 77th minute.

It's cruel on AZ as only the top two in the league qualify for the Champions League and so they will end up in the UEFA Cup again next season. Harsh too on Ajax who, with fifteen minutes of their game to go were all set to be Champions based on "goals scored".

(and it means we have Ronald Koeman's coma-inducing brand of "no strikers" football in the Champions League again next season...)

Wayne Rooney for Manchester Utd (v AC Milan), 24 April 2007

Predictions time again. I should (fingers crossed) have the table updated by the end of today....

*blames workload*

Blackburn 2-0 Charlton
Chelsea 2-0 Bolton
Everton 1-1 Man Utd
Man City 0-0 Aston Villa
Middlesbrough 1-1 Tottenham
Portsmouth 1-1 Liverpool
Sheff Utd 2-0 Watford
Wigan 0-0 West Ham
Arsenal 3-0 Fulham
Reading 2-1 Newcastle

and from the closer than close last week of the Dutch season:

Excelsior 1-2 AZ
PSV 2-0 Vitesse
Willem II 1-3 Ajax

*update*

Predictions tables updated, and it looks like a three horse race going into the last couple of weeks of the season (mainly due to an astonishing points scoring run by Adem over recent weeks). Also mention to Jonny who scored the highest ever weekly total last week (26 points) - bear in mind its 3 for a correct score and 1 for a correct result. Thats good going (although the 5 bonus points for getting Kevin Pietersen clearly helped....)

Didier Drogba for Chelsea (v Valencia), 4 April 2007

Proof if it were needed that where we lead, the others follow....

So I wrote about the Gary's and Terry's of the football world back here in March. Frank Keating in the Guardian writes almost the same piece today (notwithstanding Didier Drogba's hair).

You don't think they might be using our ideas, do you?

*gasps*

Shote Arveladze for AZ Alkmaar (v Heerenveen), 22 April 2007

After the Premiership, the Dutch Eredivisie is my favourite football league. I have been lucky enough to watch some Dutch football over the years, and whilst the quality isn't always terrific, the teams have great exotic sounding names and some lunatic shirt colours. There's some handy players around too.

PSV have dominated Dutch football for a few years now but this year a remarkable dip in form since the winter break has seen them overhauled in the race for the title. From being ten points clear at the turn of the year, next weekend the Dutch league is heading for the most exciting climax in decades.

Louis van Gaal's AZ side, a resurgent Ajax and Koeman's PSV are currently all tied on the same 72 points with one match of the season to go. PSV have the easier tie on paper (at home to Vitesse) whilst Ajax travel to lowly Willem II and AZ must go to struggling Excelsior.

In the event of a tie, goal difference will decide the title and AZ are in pole position with +53 from Ajax's +47 and PSV's +46. Barring a miracle, an AZ victory should see the little Northern club celebrate only their second ever League title.

An AZ triumph would end the "big three"'s stranglehold on Dutch football in that only one team bar Ajax, PSV or Feyenoord has won the League since 1964 (AZ in 1981). (And you thought the Premiership was boring..!)

So, from 13.30pm next Sunday my eyes will be on the Dutch title race. One of these years, my team (NEC) might be involved. I doubt it, though....

Douglas Rinaldi for Watford (vs Blackburn Rovers), 18 April 2007

Here we go then: this week's predictions.

We're on the home straight now.

Bolton 1-0 Reading
Charlton 1-1 Sheff Utd
Fulham 0-1 Blackburn
Liverpool 2-0 Wigan
Man Utd 3-0 Middlesbro'
Tottenham 0-1 Arsenal
Watford 0-0 Man City
West Ham 1-0 Everton
Aston Villa 0-1 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea

Wildcards -- this week, top and bottom(-ish)

Colchester 0-2 Sunderland
Tranmere 0-1 Scunthorpe
Walsall 2-0 Bury
Plymouth 2-1 Southend
Doncaster 0-1 Brentford
Wrexham 0-1 Torquay

Bonus (5 points): Top run scorer in Saturday's dead rubber match at the Cricket World Cup between England and the West Indies. Ramnaresh Sarwan

Bryan McFadden for Westlife XI (v Malaysian Rockers United), 23 November 2002

101 Great Goals #62 - Bryan McFadden

OK, so it might not be exactly the sort of player you may expect to see in a compliation of genius goals from the history of football, but there is no denying that whilst a little bit Hollywood (and bearing in mind the opposition was made up of Asian rock bands) it's a great finish.

When he throws himself into the air, it's like he's flying without wings.... (sorry. couldn't resist.)

Patrice Evra for Manchester United (v AS Roma), 10 April 2007

After the Easter break and the rather excellent English success in the Champions League this week, we're back to the domestic predictions again...

from the Premiership

Arsenal 2-0 Bolton
Man City 0-2 Liverpool
Middlesbrough 2-1 Aston Villa
Portsmouth 1-1 Newcastle
Reading 2-1 Fulham
Sheff Utd 1-2 West Ham

from the FA Cup

Manchester Utd 3-0 Watford
Chelsea 2-0 Blackburn Rovers

squeaky bum time in the Championship

Birmingham 2-1 Southampton
Coventry 2-1 Preston
Ipswich 1-1 Derby

and three bonus wildcard points for naming a horse that'll finish in the top 3 in the Grand National:

Idle Talk

Michael Carrick for Manchester United (v Roma), 10 April 2007

I have been lucky enough to see some great United performances in my twenty odd years of going to Old Trafford. And whilst we've put six or seven goals past the likes of Barnsley and West Ham (and even Arsenal on occasion), I'm not sure I have ever seen anything quite like last night.

This is a Roma side with only two defeats in their previous 22 matches and who eliminated five times French champions Lyon in the previous round. Inter's nearest challengers for the Serie A title. With respect to the great Premiership Barnsley side, Roma are in a very different class.

And yet, that is probably the most exhilerating attacking performance I can remember seeing. I don't even think that Roma were particularly poor (although their keeper didn't look that stunning) but I think they just couldn't live with the effervescent and high-tempo game that United played. United's biggest win in Europe for forty years, the biggest winning margin in the European Cup at this stage since 1958 and a result that equalled the biggest ever European win at Old Trafford.

It's one of those incomprehensible results. A good Italian side defending a lead, United with a makeshift eleven (Darren Fletcher, I thought, was particularly impressive), a forward returning after 18 months out injured, the fact United have not overturned a first leg deficit in the Champions League in five attempts, their frankly poor form in Europe, the lack of goals from Ronaldo and Rooney - the list goes on. And yet here we are today applauding a magnificent 7-1 triumph.

I particularly loved the moment in the first half when we were 3-0 up with about 20 minutes to go until half time. Giggs had misplaced a couple of passses to gift Roma possession and the guy next to me turned to his mate and sighed. "We've gone all shit again", he complained. At 3-0 up. After 25 minutes. Of the European Cup Quarter Final.

Heh heh heh.

Football. Bloody hell.

Alan Smith for Manchester Utd (vs Roma), 10 April 2007

It seems slightly hard to believe now (and always looked a bit dodgy with a relatively slender 2-1 lead), but an Italian newspaper wrote after the first leg of the Champions League Quarter Final last week that Roma had taught Manchester Utd "a footballing lesson".

I wonder what they've got to say this morning.

Actually, I usually manage Roma in "Football Manager", and throughout the whole game last night, I was pondering what I would do to turn things around. Initially I thought about throwing on Gaetano D'Agostini to free up Totti and Vincenzo Montella to reinforce the front line. Then (and after some consultation with Lord Bargain), I decided I would roll the dice and throw on -- Roma legend -- Ian Stonebridge.

By the time the seventh goal went in though, I thought the only realistic solution was to reboot the PC and start the match again.

Sadly, this was not an option that Roma had last night, otherwise I think they certainly would have taken it.....

Chris O'Grady for Rotherham United (v Nottingham Forest), 9 April 2007

Do you know what the managers of the following clubs have in common?

Birmingham City, Bury, Wrexham, Sunderland, Rotherham United, Blackburn Rovers, Macclesfield Town and Peterborough United?

Yep, their managers all played under Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. Widen that search away from simply United and you include Alex McLeish, Gordon Strachan and Willie Miller. And then of course you can include those without a current managerial post including Bryan Robson, Neale Cooper and Mark McGhee.

Does it help playing under a great manager? Or do people like Fergie and Clough just stick around long enough that it stands to reason that a proportion of their players will go into management?

Hernan Crespo (for Inter Milan) v Parma, 1 April 2007

For those of you who have't seen it lately, this is the top of the Serie A league table.

Team P W D L F A Pts
1 Inter Milan 29 25 4 0 63 23 79
2 Roma 29 17 8 4 56 23 59

Inter are nine games away from emulating Arsenal's achievement in the 2003/4 season of going through an entire domestic season unbeaten. Some have argued that the points deductions following the match-fixing scandals have downvalued Inter's achievements this season but you have to remember that despite their points losses, Lazio, Fiorentina and AC Milan remain in Serie A along with other strong clubs including Roma, Palermo and Sampdoria.

Three years ago, Arsenal won the Premiership without losing a game. Two years ago, Chelsea lost one match en route to the title.

What does this mean? Are the major leagues getting more uncompetitive, or have there simply been a few "great" and dominant teams in recent seasons?

Alex Ferguson once considered that six defeats was the maximum a team could afford on their way to the league title. If you look across the major European leagues this season so far, the leading sides have suffered only a handful of losses. Lyon, Barcelona, Porto, PSV Eindhoven and Fenerbahce have all only lost four league games. Genk, in Belgium, and Manchester United have only lost three.

The only "competitive" league this season appears to be the Bundesliga where leaders Schalke have lost six games already.

Does this mean we should be lauding Inter's achievements or bemoaning the lack of competitiveness within the game?

Steven Gerrard for England (v Andorra), 28 March 2007

I am not sure why I invited Swiss to contribute here, to be honest. First he confessed to not actually being a football fan, then he preferred to post about cricket and then admitted to not liking watching the international side.

Heh heh heh. At least you get both sides of the debate, I suppose....

Predictions time again:

Bolton 2-1 Sheff Utd
Charlton 2-0 Wigan
Fulham 1-1 Portsmouth
Liverpool 1-0 Arsenal
Man Utd 2-1 Blackburn
Newcastle 3-1 Man City
Watford 1-1 Chelsea
West Ham 1-0 Middlesbrough
Tottenham 2-0 Reading
Aston Villa 2-0 Everton

and some wildcards from the Hamptons:

Wolverhampton 2-1 Southampton
Northampton 2-0 Brighton

David Nugent for England (vs Andorra), 28th March 2007

Is it bad that I’ve stopped caring about my national football team? There used to be a time when I would avidly park myself in front of the TV to watch any game they played in – friendlies just the same as qualifiers or finals games. It was an event, something to look forward to, something that would bring friends together over a few cans of beer and some salty snacks. We could all sit around before and after the game picking imaginary squads and trying to work out how to solve the perennial “problem” on the left flank, to wonder how successive England managers could pick players like Philip Neville but ignore players like Matthew Le Tissier and to generally chew the cud about football in general.

As I’ve got older though, I’ve become increasingly jaundiced about the whole circus. I don’t know when the rot set in, but it’s now got to the point where I can genuinely take or leave an England international. There are several reasons for this:

1) The games are – almost without exception – astonishingly turgid. How many really good England games can you remember? Poland in 1986? West Germany in 1990? Holland in 1996? The 5-1 against Germany? That’s about it (and let’s not forget that we lost the most important one of those games). Long and bitter experience has taught me that this is 90 minutes of my life that would be better spend doing something else.

2) The relentless hype. Somehow the success of the Premiership and the high profile of our players leads us into the delusion that we are a great side; that we have a ‘golden generation’. On recent evidence, neither of those statements is remotely true. Yes, we have a squad packed full of very high profile and very highly paid players, but they are always less than the sum of their parts when other teams (like Northern Ireland at the moment) seem to be able to punch well above their weight. It’s largely the media that pumps this up and whips up a storm out of the smallest little thing relating to the national side. I’m bored of the fact that the TV and the papers are full of tiresome speculation and uninsightful comment pieces about the players and about the manager. Yes, England have been poor recently, but how much of the crowd reaction has been prompted by the press vultures hovering around Steve McClaren? How many of the journalists who question his competence would have picked a radically different team last night? How many of them really think that changing manager now would help England? How many of them have a constructive suggestion to make? The English Football press delights in pumping up our expectations in the national side by making them out to be world-beaters, and when they inevitably fail to live up to the stratospheric hype, they are pilloried. I’m bored of it.

3) The players. Footballers in general and English footballers in particular make me sick. They represent for me everything that is wrong with our society and what we aspire to. These are kids without much education who suddenly find themselves praised to the skies and earning hundreds of thousands of pounds a week. In a way, I suppose it’s not that surprising to see how they choose to spend that money: on stupid fast cars, on massive houses, on tasteless jewellery. That’s bad enough, but what really revolts me is the way that some of these people think that their money and status enables them to behave. Of course, footballers aren't alone in this, but how many times do we have to read about fights in nightclubs, or marathon drinking sessions, or roasting sessions in hotel rooms? Kieron Dyer, Frank Lampard, Joey Barton, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney.... how many of the current England squad do I need to name? Worse: this is the lifestyle that people aspire to. I saw an advert on the back of the bus the other day which offered people the opportunity to hire a Ferrari or a Lotus for the day. The strapline? "Have a Footballer’s Lifestyle!" No thanks. These grasping idiots and their vacuous, greedy girlfriends are all over the covers of magazines and the television (WAG's Boutique anyone?). They are sated and they are self-satisfied. The world would surely be a better place if they dropped off the face of the planet. They're obscene.

I flew back into the country on Sunday. I had no idea that England had been playing, but when I read the review of the game against Israel in the Observer, I was not in the least bit surprised. In fact, I was amused. How many times have I read a report like that? Enough to know not to bother watching England again.

Yesterday I went out to a gig and missed the game entirely. At about 21:45, word of the score began to circulate amongst the crowd. One bloke heard the news and immediately pumped his fist vigorously. “Get in!”. I had to shake my head. I wish I could generate that much passion for a feeble win against Andorra, but I just can’t do it.

I know I'm ranting and I know I'm generalising. I like watching football, but this has just become too painful.

Christoph Preuss for Eintracht Frankfurt (v Bayern Munich), 17 March 2007

101 Great Goals #12 - Christoph Preuss

Here's a wondergoal from last week's Bundesliga which is a deserved matchwinner if ever there was one. Bayern Munich dominated this match but were undone by this astounding effort which Mary Shelley's Oliver Kahn could only watch into his net.

Brilliant.

Paul Robinson for Tottenham Hotspur (v Watford), 17 March 2007

The 101 Great Goals series continues apace, and if you missed it, there's a bit of Platini magic here.

International Predictions this week:

Czech Republic 1-1 Germany
Greece 1-2 Turkey
Israel 1-2 England
Liechtenstein 0-2 Northern Ireland
Lithuania 0-1 France
Netherlands 3-1 Romania
Portugal 2-0 Belgium
Republic of Ireland 2-1 Wales
Scotland 1-0 Georgia
Spain 2-1 Denmark

It's wild enough already this week, I reckon....

Michel Platini for Juventus (v Ascoli), 2 December 1984

So, here's a little snippet from Europe's new premier footballing politician but who, lest we forget, was probably the finest midfield goalscorer the game has ever seen.

Platini himself blames his team-mate for this goal. "If he hadn't given me such a bad pass, with the ball slightly behind me and too high to be taken on my thigh, I wouldn't have been obliged to flick it over my head and the goal would never have existed...."

101 Great Goals - #47 - Michel Platini

Emile Mpenza for Manchester City (v Middlesbrough), 17 March 2007

So. Martin O'Neill. Experienced manager, guided Celtic to the UEFA Cup final, won titles in Scotland, cups in England. Well respected, well known and heralded as a saviour when he took over at a previously huge club suffering a downturn in fortunes.

Stuart Pearce. Great player, novice manager. Struggling with dressing-room division, a lack of goals and his career seemingly in tatters before it has hardly begun. Has one or two games to save his job at a previously huge club suffering a downturn in fortunes.

Have you looked at the Premiership table tonight?

Two teams have played 29 games and garnered 33 points.

You guessed it. Aston Villa and Manchester City.

Aaron Mokoena for Blackburn Rovers (v Manchester City), 11 March 2007

Predictions time again, folks. And no extra bonus points for correctly guessing the score in the penalty shoot-out assuming the match ends in a draw....

Blackburn 2-0 West Ham
Chelsea 3-0 Sheff Utd
Man Utd 2-1 Bolton
Middlesbrough 1-1 Man City
Reading 1-0 Portsmouth
Tottenham 2-0 Watford
Wigan 1-0 Fulham
Aston Villa 1-2 Liverpool
Charlton 2-1 Newcastle
Everton 1-1 Arsenal

and wild in the fields:

Carlisle 1-0 Huddersfield
Mansfield 3-1 Boston
Bury 1-3 Macclesfield

Cristiano Ronaldo for Manchester Utd (v Europe XI), 13 March 2007

There are days when I despair for the future of football. No, that's not strictly true - it is the idiots that run the game that I despair of.

The latest genius brainchild of the pillocks who run the game is to abolish draws.

What in the name of 140 years of the game would be the point of that? I know! Not content with fixture congestion (whoever decided to play the FA Cup replays on a Monday night before England fly to Israel for their most important game in months needs lynching also) we could make players play all night long until the small hours when someone dies on the pitch and the opposition score from the resulting error. A 2.30am finish, but At Least Its Not A Draw.

It is complete and utter nonsense. Our American cousins have tried to get their hands on football before (make the goals bigger! make all fans drink Budweiser!) but they had better not influence the beautiful game with this latest bit of lunacy. I know they aren't capable of understanding a draw (a TIE? you mean no-one wins?) but football is played in over 200 countries, not just theirs. Not even theirs, some might say.

So, I hope this idiotic idea is given the contempt it deserves. If it is agreed upon, we might as well just let players wear shoulder pads and giant helmets and twat the ball into the bleachers with a giant stick.

Trevor Sinclair for QPR (v Barnsley), 25 January 1997

101 Great Goals #76 - Trevor Sinclair

Remember this bit of magic from the FA Cup Fourth Round in 1997? It rightly won the "Goal of the Season", despite being scored by peculiarly-haired "yet another answer to England's left sided problem" Trevor Sinclair....

Roy Makaay for Bayern Munich (v Real Madrid), 7 March 2007

The latest edition of the brilliant A-Z of Football feature is here.

Go, have a look. I think this is the best selection of pieces yet....

It's a complete random selection of matches this week as there's no Premiership.

Middlesbrough 1-1 Man Utd
Hull 1-2 Preston
Stoke 1-2 Southampton
Scunthorpe 2-0 Nottingham Forest
Tranmere 2-1 Swansea
Barnet 0-1 Stockport
Notts County 1-2 Mansfield
Aberdeen 2-1 Hearts
Chelsea 2-0 Spurs
Plymouth 2-1 Watford

and some completely random wildcards:

who will be Australia's top run-scorer in their Cricket World Cup match against Scotland on Wednesday?

Shane Watson

who'll win the Canada v Kenya game?

Kenya

Matthew Henney for Gretna (v Morton), 3 August 2002

And so it's back. The greatest alphabet based football feature on the net, this time featuring odd Dutchmen, subjectivity, Scotland, Joleon Lescott, the 1997 Champions League and Loftus Road.

Without further ado...

The A-Z Of Football

G is for......Gary (Lord Bargain)


Scientists at the University of Grimsby (left) have recently completed a five month long study into England's ongoing failure at major football tournaments. This has long been the subject of saloon banter but a number of leading sports analysts have spent several hundred man hours arriving at their conclusions.

Their findings are interesting to say the least. Many of the long-held views about the national teams relative failure have been discounted by these academics It's nothing to do with the number of games, the lack of a winter break, the reliance on an old-fashioned 4-4-2 formation, the tactical ineptitude of a series of managers or the influx of foreign players.

No, it's more simple than that. The reason for the lack of success is all to do with the naming of players.

Let's look at the facts. In 1979, 8.42% of the players in the top flight of English football were called Gary. 9.21% were called Kenny. 11.23% were called Trevor, 4.25% Derek, 4.81% Geoff and 7.52% Brian.

And, tellingly, 23.8% were called Dave and 18.6% were called Mike.

Fast-forward to 2007 and it is interesting to compare the current Premiership players. Notwithstanding the 1.2% called Cesc, 1.4% called Gabriel and 3.8% called Didier, there are no Dave's and no Mike's. What you do find, however, is an 11.3% David and a 14.8% Michael.

The boffins have termed this the Reverse Cameron Paradox. Whilst it is acceptable for the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom to be monikered David, it is deemed unacceptable for him to be named "Dave" (despite his best efforts). The paradox works in reverse for footballers. The researchers postulate that England would have won the 1990 World Cup had they fielded Pete Beardsley, Dave Platt and Pete Shilton in the tournament. Similarly, the boffins suggest that England would have been beaten finalists in 2006 had they fielded Mike Carrick, Steve Gerrard, Mike Owen, Dave Beckham and Mike Dawson.

They continue with the theory that England will continue to underperform in tournaments until the current crop of players is replaced. They have calculated that England will struggle to reach even the finals of the next two tournaments fielding a team chock full of Ashley's, Rio's, Kieron's and Theo's.

Terry Butcher epitomised the strong English player. The current number 6, a John, may follow suit. His right back, Gary, is perfectly named and impressed the academics, as do the other Gary's, Lineker and Mabbutt. Other players with a high score on the Flogel-Micklethwaite Index include Geoff Thomas, Frank Lampard and Stanley Collymore. Low scorers included Joleon Lescott, Nigel Reo-Coker and Shola Ameobi.

Where are all the Martin's and Bob's? The Kevin's and Ray's? Nowhere to be found. And this is why, say the University researchers, England are destined to fail until something can be done about reintroducing properly monikered players to the international scene.

G is for.....Glenn Helder (Adem)

Glenn Helder was George Graham's last signing at Arsenal and in fact made his debut on the day the Graham was sacked for his part in the bungs scandal. The fact is it wouldn't have surprised me if George had been paid a tidy sum to take Helder from Vitesse Arnhem, but it was clear that this signing along with former Ipswich striker Chris Kiwomya were panic buys on his behalf.
I was actually hopeful that he could be a good player as he was much touted as a "product of the Ajax youth system", and had a lot of pace, but that was about it. He only scored 1 goal for Arsenal and from some of his shooting you can see why he didn't add to that tally. I remember him having quite a few shots that eventally went off for throw-ins which is never a good sign.

What I did like about him though was his hair! Do you remember the Eddie Murphy film 'Coming to America'? Do you remember the 'Soul Glo' adverts that featured in the film by that guy who was in ER? Well I bet Helder used that by the bucketload. He had great hair.

In all fairness he wasn't a bad player but left the club 2 years later and was replaced by the slightly more successful Marc Overmars. The end of an era.

(see more here)

G is for.....gambling (Paul)

There was a time when every football game I went to, I'd pop along to one of the Ladbrokes stands at St James' Park and place a bet on the outcome of the match. Nothing too flash, normally on a combination of final score and first scorer. I thought that it added a little extra frisson to the excitement of watching the match, and the chance of winning £50 for my £1 stake seemed to me to be a worthwhile gamble.

That all changed the night I saw Newcastle play Barcelona in the Champions League in 1997.

Having almost enjoyed success during the previous season's UEFA Cup campaign, thanks to Tino Asprilla's excellent European goal scoring record, I figured it was only a matter of time before I successfully combined that with the final score, and so backed Tino to once again open the scoring, and Newcastle to beat the Catalan giants 2-1. (Obviously I couldn't countenance the idea of betting that Newcastle would lose.)

The game started well, and before too long, Tino had done it again, opening his account for the evening, and scoring a brilliant goal at the Gallowgate end. By half time, he'd added a second, and with him and Keith Gillespie tearing Barcelona apart, it was looking like it was going to be a brilliant night. I remember standing at half time, and surveying the seen as St James' Park soaked up the fact that we'd just witnessed our team rip apart one of the greatest sides in the world. Contentedly I thought, Barca must be about to launch a bit of a comeback - probably nick a goal, and then we would hold on, and I'd be £50 better off. As the teams emerged from the tunnel I settled down to watch the Catalan revival which would see me collect on my bet.

Then Gillespie broke down the right, whipped in a blinding cross and Asprilla slotted home right in front of me. St James' erupted, as Tino went somersaulting into the corner to celebrate his hat-trick, and all I could think was "The bastard's just cost me fifty quid". I couldn't celebrate the goal with my usual enthusiasm, I couldn't share in the delight of everyone around me, all I could think of was the money that I might have won and which I thought was as good as mine barely ten minutes previously.

That Barcelona then started their comeback only darkened my mood and at 3-1 all I could think was that if we hadn't scored a third, I'd be spending the money now. Then the visitors added a second, and I snapped out of my malaise, and got back into the act of encouraging Newcastle to hang on to their now slender lead.

Thankfully they managed it, and I was as delighted as anyone to have been able to witness a magnificent result, and left the ground vowing never to bet on Newcastle again.

G is for.......Gretna - (Skif)

The squat nature of Raydale Park, with its pre-war bus shelter of a terrace along one side, the corrugated iron roofing and the dour wooden façade of the clubhouse betray its recent non-league history. However, the temporary stand recently rebuilt as permanent at the far end hints at their undoubted ambition. Indeed, plans have been submitted for a new 6,000 seat SPL-compliant stadium. With Gretna currently leading the Scottish Division One, at time of writing, by nine points, they will have to get a wriggle on. Whether they are pipped by St. Johnstone, groundshare or need one more season in the second tier, the rise of Gretna FC has been remarkable.

You might make comparisons to Wigan Athletic: former non-league club suddenly getting an unshackled hose of ready cash pouring in and rocketing through their leagues. Although the growth appears more at Wimbledon pace and one notable difference is that Wigan’s non-league days didn’t occur in a different country. Indeed not many clubs, let alone Scottish ones, can have once claimed their record attendance as having come against Rochdale.

This is only the 5th season since Gretna ceased to provide an east/west borderland balance to Berwick Rangers’ participation in the Scottish leagues. Prior to that the Black & White’s played their football within the English pyramid, being part of the first intake into a new Northern Premier League second tier in 1982 where they remained before getting elected into the Scottish leagues at their third application, after the demise of Airdrieonians (and then new club Airdrie United’s takeover of stricken Clydebank) left a spare spot in Division 3.

After a couple of decent seasons of consolidation, Gretna ran away with the bottom division the year before last, finishing 20 points ahead of second placed Peterhead, 47 in front of Cowdenbeath in 3rd with a fairly reasonable goal difference of +101. Last season they cantered through Division Two, winning by 18 points. In the same season, they also became the first third tier side to reach the Scottish Cup Final, losing on penalties to the twins-in-a-jar spectacle that is Heart of Midlothian.

For this they could thank their excellent squad of players, many of whom could easily be playing at a higher level. The fact that they are not is due to the input of Gretna’s managing director and 100-a-day smoker, Brooks Mileson, whose JP Getty-style philanthropy is centred on shooting this small town club through the Scottish leagues. It might be argued that should anything happen to their understandably illness-prone benefactor, Gretna’s fairly small crowds (they do, after all, share a catchment area with Carlisle United) could never sustain such a lofty status as the Scottish Premier League. His sponsorship of the Northern League in England is in perpetuity, guaranteed even after his death, but I’m not sure if the same arrangement applies with Gretna. You might also say that Premier Division football might be coming far too soon for them, especially if you consider their UEFA Cup humiliation at the hands of Derry City. Still, if you were a Gretna fan, you’d just lap it up, especially if you’d been there since before their new beginning.

I visited Raydale last season and saw them easily despatch Highland League Cove Rangers 6-1 on their Road to Hampden. The ‘Down Memory Lane’ filler-page in the match-day mag revealed a great deal about their paradigm shift. One year prior to that game (so two years ago now), they apparently beat Elgin 3-0 in front of a developing crowd of 661 (they average around 1,300 nowadays in Divison 1), while 11 years ago they were hosting Worksop in front of 82. They won 6-0 that night, as it goes. The one distinct link between that Northern League era and the Scottish Cup Final one was midfielder Derek Townsley, who played, and scored a brace, in that Worksop win. His inclusion in the starting XI for the final was romantic, but that he should miss one of the penalties in the shoot out was perhaps unnecessarily cruel.

Mileson’s money not only brings in good players, but also enables them to have a modern staffing structure, with well-known names coming in to take on roles from time to time. Former DR Congo and Huddersfield gaffer Mick Wadsworth is currently director of football, while until recently former Bolton man David Holdsworth was there, with a detail of ‘Diet and Fitness’ as well as overseeing the reserve side. He also seemed to be on hand to provide plenty of programme notes and moody portraits to go with them. Well, that was certainly the case when I went to see them.

His contributions to the matchday programme that day really were woks of art. His piece on the stiffs recent turn out against Arbroath were curved around a shot of ‘Reg’ (as he signed himself) wearing a leather jacket, shirt unbuttoned to reveal a cheeky hint of chest and thus seemingly about to film a promo for an unadventurous cover-version of “I Want To Know What Love Is”. Elsewhere he continued his A-Z of football series with Kenny Dalglish at ‘K’. Of most interest here though was another quality headshot of ‘Reg’, deadpan cool above a black polo-neck, which attempted to say “Because the lady loves…”, but actually suggested that he had, at that very moment, sat down too quickly on his bike saddle.



For that alone, I think I will always have a soft spot for Gretna.

G is for.....Grass (Ben)

When weighing up the relative strengths of two teams pre-match, it’s often the case that, on paper, one is significantly superior to the other. But, as smugly self-satisfied pundits and brainless footballers never tire of pointing out, football is played not on paper but on grass.

Well, mainly.

Last time out, I was writing about foosball, played on wood, and there’s also Subbuteo, played on a felt pitch laid out on a table or the floor. 5-a-side takes place in gyms and on knee-shredding sand-doused AstroTurf – and who, as a child, hasn’t enjoyed having a kickabout in the street, belting the ball off gable end walls and garage doors while all the while ready to scarper at the sound of a shattering window or a wailing car alarm?

Even “proper” football hasn’t always been played on grass. Remember the brief fad for plastic pitches in the ‘80s that saw them installed at QPR’s Loftus Road, Oldham’s Boundary Park, Luton’s Kenilworth Road and Preston’s Deepdale? (Thank Christ the FA saw sense and banned them in 1988.) And, as cursory examination of the ‘Match of the Day’ archives reveals, in the ‘70s football was played on mud, by improbably haired men in tight shorts who liked nothing better than slugging it out toe-to-toe and then laughing it off over a meat pie and a pint.

Since that “golden age”, the quality of pitches has improved dramatically. Groundkeeping has become both a science and an art, while technological advances such as undersoil heating and sophisticated drainage systems mean that, in the UK at least, top-flight football is generally played on immaculately slick and manicured grass surfaces.

I say “generally” because there are occasional exceptions – like the Chelsea v Charlton match in January 2003, dubbed the Battle of Stamford Beach. In the ensuing sandstorm, on grass”, adding that a Chelsea official had said the surface was “the base on which a new pitch was to be directly laid”. Hardly the sort of thing on which the Blues’ multi-million-pound talents and egos would be expected to strut their stuff.

But at least it was flat. Those who turn out for pub teams on Sunday mornings, already labouring under hangovers incurred as a result of the previous evening’s team-building session, have to contend with the constant danger of turning their ankles in potholes and on molehills – not to mention performing balletic manoeuvres just as they’re about to shoot, as a consequence of skidding in shit. When was the last time you tuned in to Radio 5 to hear Alan Green saying: “And it’s Ronaldo … Ronaldo advancing on goal … oh no, he’s trod on a dog egg”?

For us fans, the pitch at our team’s home ground is the “hallowed turf”. Restricted to cheering from the sidelines, we all harbour a desire to take to the field, feel the pitch beneath our feet and tread in the footsteps of our heroes. This curiously passionate attachment to a patch of grass is the reason why, when clubs move to swanky new stadia, they often seize the opportunity to make some money by portioning up and selling off bits of the turf. What I want to know, though, is what people then do with that square of grass and soil. Keep it on the mantelpiece? Add it to their own lawn? Answers on a postcard (or, alternatively, in the comments box).

G is for…. Greatness (Swiss Toni)

Once the dust had settled on his (admittedly spectacular) farewell to football, Zinedine Zidane was widely acclaimed to have ascended into the footballing pantheon as one of the true greats of the game.

“Great”. What does that mean exactly?

The culture of the superlative rides roughshod across the game and “great” is surely the most overused word in football. The English language is just another casualty of football’s relentless war of escalating hyperbole. In this world, a goal is never just “a goal”, it is “a great goal” or a “superb goal”; the pass that led to the goal is a “majestic pass”; the players are “fantastic” or “brilliant”…. And if Sky are to be believed, the Premiership is the greatest league in the world and the quality is so high that a game can happily be declared “Super” before a ball has even been kicked. It’s a Premiership game? Satisfaction guaranteed. No, you’ll be more than satisfied. You’ll be mesmerised. Gripped. Riveted. You are about to see the greatest game in the history of the world’s greatest game. And as if that excitement wasn’t enough - coming up next on Sky Sports 3 – Speedway! Don’t touch that dial.

But life (and comparative adjectives) cannot work like that. In order to have a superlative, you must have something that it exceeds. By the very definition of the word ‘superlative’, not everything can be superior to everything else. To have a great game, you must also have a long catalogue of average games or dull games (and I think I must have seen them all). And yet here we are: every game is better than every game that came before; players now are better than players have ever been before. It’s relentless, it’s stupid and it’s clearly not true. Great games are few and far between indeed. When was the last great game that you watched? I remember the Liverpool vs Alaves UEFA cup final as being an absolute corker, but I’m really scratching my head to think of the last really genuinely all-time-great game that I sat and watched.

Hmm.

But here’s the puzzler: in the discussions that followed Zidane’s retirement and the general acceptance that he had been one of the genuinely great players in the history of the game, I was struck by how few other players were universally hailed as greats. Zidane was apparently ascending into a select group that certainly included Pele and Maradona, and arguably included Alfredo Di Stefano, George Best, Johann Cruyff and Franz Beckenauer. You can argue until you are blue in the face about the merits of hundreds of other players, but basically that was it. That’s quite a select gathering indeed for over 100 years of the organised game. The selective use of the word “great” when applied to the very best players in the history of the game forms an interesting contrast indeed to its liberal overuse in the day-to-day coverage of football. Maybe I should just send Clive Tyldesley a thesaurus?

Of course, the pedants amongst you will already have noted that the word “great” is not actually a superlative at all. Where can you go from “great”? The answer is simple: “greatest”.

And that, dear reader, is where I throw the floor open to you for the perennial debate: who was the greatest player? And, more parochially, who was your club's greatest player? It’s subjective of course, but isn’t a subjective view of the world what football is all about? Nail your colours to the mast and tell me what you think.

......................................................................

Thanks as ever to all the contributors. And this time som questions that need answering. Who are your clubs/the world's great players? Do we need more Trevors? What do people do with sacred turf? Ever been denied huge winnings by a late goal?

The floor is open....

(and in an idea vaguely related to the Spine Line competition on "Four Four Two", the goal above was Gretna's first in the Scottish League, relating to Skif's article about the same team....)

Carlos Tevez for Argentina (v Serbia and Montenegro), 16 June 2006

Predictions are here.

So, West Ham United have been charged by the Premier League regarding the signings of Argentinian duo Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. The charge relates to irregularities regarding the third party ownership of the players with Media Sports Investment.

What amuses me today, however, is their possible penalty. Arriving in August fresh from an excellent showing in the World Cup, the transfers were seen as one of the biggest transfer coups in the games history. Two seasoned world-class South American internationals signing for West Ham United.

Mascherano played seven times before joining Liverpool in January. Tevez has played thirteen times without scoring.

Non-league side AFC Wimbledon are currently facing an eighteen point penalty for fielding ex-Wimbledon (!) player Jermaine Darlington without the requisite international clearance (there is an excellent article about AFC's plight here). He played eleven times for AFC Wimbledon and their penalty for a complete administrative oversight is deduction of the 18 points gained during those games.

West Ham's possible penalty for the fifteen or so games they fielded seasoned Argentinian internationals without the correct registration?

Five points.

It was hardly worth it, was it?

Didier Drogba for Chelsea (v Arsenal), 25 February 2007

Morning all.

For this first instalment of our new shiny 101 great Goals series featuring an absolute belter from God-botherer Glenn Hoddle (....."they say Hoddle's found Jesus. That must have been one hell of a pass....") go here.

Arsenal 3-1 Reading
Fulham 2-1 Aston Villa
Liverpool 1-1 Man Utd
Man City 1-0 Wigan
Newcastle 2-1 Middlesbrough
Portsmouth 0-2 Chelsea
Sheff Utd 1-0 Everton
Watford 1-2 Charlton
Bolton 2-1 Blackburn
West Ham 1-1 Tottenham

and shall we skip overseas for our wildcards this week?

Anderlecht 2-0 Charleroi
Sevilla 3-2 Barcelona
Alemania Aachen 1-2 Mainz